Attracting Injustice

[healingme]

Hello beautiful community,
I've been struggling for the past few days trying to wrap my head around what I considered a discovery.

I've been working online for a year now in the the same company I've worked at full-time for 3 years in total. But I've been asked to spare a day once a week or every two weeks max to visit the office in order to interact with the team.

so I've been doing that, no pressure. However, when I went to office last time I greeted my colleagues and sat ON the desk facing them for a minutes when the manager saw me there.

I got up and went to my desk immediately. He sent me a message on whats-app saying he didn't like the way we were gathering, it didn't look professional and looked like we weren't working. I replied that I sensed that and I'm already at my desk.

I felt embarrassed even-though no one else knew, I felt he needlessly disciplined me & it's not fair.

long story short, this happened 3 weeks ago and I couldn't bring myself to go to office again & I concluded a few days ago that each and every injustice I have ever endured was the result of how vulnerable I feel due to the unjust upbringing I received in my childhood.


I am wondering now how to break free? stop extracting the worst from others ?

I told myself it's never personal,, & that how others behave has everything to do with them, not me

but I know deep inside that me lacking the sense of safety, feeling helpless & worthless is making me susceptible to all kinds of injustices.


I keep thinking about all the broken frind-ships, failed marriages, unsatisfying jobs. and the fact I've been treated unjustly every step of the way.


I appreciate your insights & would love to hear from you all.

[Kizzie]

I once had a manager shush me and some of my work colleagues who were chatting and it rankled so much. She was a micromanager and did a lot of things like that so I ended up leaving because I hated being treated like a child and often unfairly. I don't know that we (survivors) will ever tolerate people like the manager who texted you well, it's just so silly really. Workers who can take a few minutes to chat are generally going to be happier and more productive. 

I'm not recommending you leave of course, that's just where I was at the time. Maybe focus on how much that manager lacks in terms of people skills. They are not good at their job and while it's not particularly fair, it's on them and not you. It rankles yes, but there are people who do this kind of thing everywhere. Maybe keep thinking in your head something like "S/he sure behaves like a twat" or whatever.  You could also calmly tell them you were just chatting for a few minutes because you don't see your colleagues that often and it helps you to catch up on work related matters. That it isn't unprofessional, it actually helps you in your work.

Anyway, I totally understand that anger at injustices like this.  It's so understandable given what we went through and I'm sorry there are people who behave idiotically in this world, they really can be triggering.  So     if that's OK.   

[healingme]

Ooh dear Kizzie,
I really needed to hear that, thank you so much for taking the time to reply..
I would like to say that handling an isolated incident like that is doable, however things kind of pilled up in my head and I got disregulated, I also tried a few things to soothe my emotions but it's lingering still. 


  from me too

[Armee]

 

I'm sorry the past few days have been rough and your manager behaved so heinously. How maddening that he told you to come in to interact with the team and then got upset about...interacting with the team.

My sense a lot of times is we have been raised to take blame for all these things including feeling like we are attracting this behavior. But people who aren't traumatized just roll their eyes and don't take it personally in any way. They can move on because it hasn't been a matter of survival for them to manage all these things around us. We have had to try to figure all this out.

[healingme]

Good morning Armee,
I find this very insightful. I'm now trying to see it for what it really is.

The chain of mishaps was the natural result of the situations I've been in because of M's failures. While some of those events were due to magical thinking and desperation  which resulted in getting attached then falling out with people I assumed were my friends "when they weren't as invested as I wished they were". As for the heinous managers... well, it is time to roll my eyes and let it slide.

thank you so much Armee, I'm feeling better now 

 

   

[Bermuda]

I can relate to all of this so well. I don't really have much to add. I can just say that it does get a bit better over time. I guess my current coping strategy is accept that it feels personal, but try to understand that people's critiques are because if their own perception. It wasn't always work. I tend to be very emotionally sensitive to everything, but when people direct their shame toward me, it is not my shame. He was likely worried about how he looked, or he heard the voice of someone else who taught him how things SHOULD be. It's subjective. It's not you, but you can choose to agree or disagree without it being a shameful act.

[healingme]

Hi Bermuda,
That's a good way of seeing it... it must be his insecurities at play.
thank you 

[Kizzie]

You can always share these instances here with us and we will help you practice the eye roll response. A lot of us could benefit from cementing the technique too I'm fairly certain. 

[healingme]

that's going to be fun 

I have an update.. I decided to start fresh, begin a new chapter. Keeping whatever happened in the past behind me as much as I could. Focus on how to move forth with more resilience while barring in mind (it's only the previous programming kicking in, but I could redirect my thoughts back to neutral even if it toke some time).

thank you all for the much needed support 

[natureluvr]

HM, I completely resonate with this.  I, too, feel like I've experienced many injustices in life due to my CPTSD.  I also tend to be very sensitive to when people shame me for saying or doing something.  I believe that is is because my narc mom was an extremely abusive and shaming person towards me.  Because of this, I have a tendency towards avoidance of situations where this could happen.  I'm hoping that as I recover from CPTSD, this will gradually improve. I'm getting better about standing up to this type of stuff.  Occasionally, I'm able to ignore it, and not internalize it, which is really great, but I have to be in the right space to be able to do that.

It sounds like you are on the right track! 

I also believe that, at least for me, bullies and narcissist types can sense my vibe, (vulnerability), and this makes me an easy target for stuff like this.  I also believe this will improve with time as my recovery progresses.

[healingme]

Hello natureluvr,

Exactly what you said about having to be in the right space to be able to ignore things & not internalize them, I feel I need to take preventative measures in order to be in the right space as much as possible.

I believe self-care is the most important prevention method I could utilize. Whenever I'm hungry, exhausted, lacking sleep or exercise.. I tend to feel really low & naturally on the verge of loosing my focus on the good & unavoidably sink into self-doubt & victim-mentality.

This here is a written note to myself & whomever resonates, I am safe, I am capable, I am worthy

One step at a time

thank you for taking the time to read & reply

[Hope67]

Hi Healingme,
I like the roses you have on your name, and your name is really nice as well - makes me feel calmer.  I agree with you about the importance of self-care, and I like your written note 'I am safe.  I am capable.  I am worthy' - it resonates with me as well.

'One step at a time' that is really helpful.

Sending you a hug of support if that's ok 
Hope