Often thinking of Uncle

[freelancebaby]

Hi All,

I'm mostly estranged from my large family. When my caregivers passed away, an uncle was put in charge of the estate and supposed to distribute it to my brother and I. Since then, my brother has developed mental illness and is often homeless, and I believe my uncle is overseeing his whereabouts. I haven't spoken to either of them in years.

The last time I spoke to my uncle, he was offering me backpay for my grad school as part of the estate money he has (which I've only seen a few of hundred dollars of). I think he might have been in the habit of occasionally using meth. He'd called out of the blue but then played it off in a way like it was not unusual that he contacted me out of nowhere. I hadn't attained my career job at the time, and he said I sounded dobutful that I would attain it (a quite competitive field) and suggested that I move 300 miles- away from my partner- and live with him and work for him. He also said that if I wanted that grad school money I'd have to take a plane and visit him in person that weekend, and that he'd call me back with details (which he never did).

Since then, I've attained my dream job, but I often think of this uncle, hoping he'll give me info on my brother and either berate me or... I'm not sure what other outcome I'd expect from him. But I realized today that I don't actually even like him as a person, so I shouldn't give him so much mental space in my head, and the fact that I often fantasize about being contacted by him is a dysfunction of my psyche, since I think he is unreliable and unsafe.

Sigh. Anyway, I quit social media and feel I have more mental bandwidth to come to these kinds of realizations. Hope everyone is having a nice day.

[Armee]

Hey I relate to this...almost an addiction to think about people in our life like this. 

[freelancebaby]

Yeah, in the sense that it's unhealthy! I hope to move my mind to more helpful things. 

[Armee]

It's definitely possible with small changes and patience.

[freelancebaby]

Thanks, Armee

[Kizzie]

This may or may not be important to you FLB, but have you considered getting a lawyer? If your uncle is supposed to be overseeing your inheritance and isn't doing that it becomes a legal matter to my mind.  I know you don't want to have contact with him but you may not have to actually see him I don't know.

He may be taking up real estate in your mind because he has tried using coercive control via your inheritance - not on! The courts do understand coercive control these days so it might be worth looking into.  Getting what you are owed from him may move him out of your head by giving you control and power. Just my thoughts - plse ignore if not relevant. 

[Bermuda]

I second Kizzie's thoughts. Sometimes people are intentionally invading our brains. It's a bit of a hypocrisy for me to offer advice, as I would certainly do nothing, and have thought this scenario through so many times myself...

If your brother is someone you want to find and you think may want to find you, and if you are interested in what is rightfully yours,  then you can weigh that against dealing with your uncle or any legal proceedings. It may or may not be worth it to you, and both are fine.

That makes it easier to identify if the intrusive reminder of this uncle is because of missing closure that you desperately need, or because he is, as Kizzie pointed out, using coersive control. It can also be both.

I think how I would handle those intrusive reminders would then differ depending on the cause.

[freelancebaby]

Thank you, Kizzie and Bermuda, for these thoughtful responses. Lawyers have been brought up to me before- an old therapist of mine suggested it. But, I don't have any money and I definitely don't want the stress of it being a legal issue.