My Own Brain

[damagedfruit]

I am here to get well, to find peace, to achieve that self-actualization Maslow hinted at. 

My stuff was all prior to age 18, and going on to be a productive member of society doing good work, I thought I was over it.
Enter menopause, and a failure of repression, and everything has changed.
I recently weaned off of the anti-depressant I had been taking >25 years; it wasn't helping anyway.
I have lost years of time. I don't want to lose anymore.
I want to be well.

[Blueberry]

Welcome to the forum, damagedfruit

[Bewildered]

Welcome to the forum Damaged Fruit.  I am also new to the group.  Somehow we manage to live "normal" lives when we are younger.  But, as life adds to our list of burdens, it gets harder and harder to carry them. I am thankful for a group like this where we can be real.

[NarcKiddo]

Welcome.

I think menopause can be a huge emotional upheaval at the best of times with all the hormonal fluctuations. I also thought I was "over" many things, but all I had really done was store them in the attic of my brain rather than clear them out. I started therapy after what I now know to be EFs became stronger and harder to deal with. I initially assumed it was menopause but when HRT helped with many physical symptoms but barely touched the mental ones I knew I had to seek other help.

I wish you all the best on your path to recovery.

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome to the forum    It does happen as we age that physical and life changes can bring things to the surface we thought we'd handled or maybe didn't even know were buried. That happened to me last year as I wrestled with becoming a senior and the changes that come with that. It was a struggle but I am feeling better now.

Becoming older isn't actually something that is out there in any of the books and articles about CPTSD; that is, relational trauma over the lifespan and gender based changes (menopause). I'm glad you brought it up and I hope those of us who have gone through it can share and discuss this. It might be helpful to all of us who are experiencing age related changes and challenges.

[damagedfruit]

Pardon my ignorance. Can you tell me what you are referencing when you say EFs?
Thanks for any help.

Welcome.

I think menopause can be a huge emotional upheaval at the best of times with all the hormonal fluctuations. I also thought I was "over" many things, but all I had really done was store them in the attic of my brain rather than clear them out. I started therapy after what I now know to be EFs became stronger and harder to deal with. I initially assumed it was menopause but when HRT helped with many physical symptoms but barely touched the mental ones I knew I had to seek other help.

I wish you all the best on your path to recovery.

[damagedfruit]

My psychotherapist believes it's due to "failure of repression," which maintains that, as we age, our brain gets tired easier just like our arms, legs, and backs do. Apparently, it's a lot of work for the brain repressing things. 

Welcome to the forum Damaged Fruit.  I am also new to the group.  Somehow we manage to live "normal" lives when we are younger.  But, as life adds to our list of burdens, it gets harder and harder to carry them. I am thankful for a group like this where we can be real.

[damagedfruit]

Hi and a warm welcome to the forum    It does happen as we age that physical and life changes can bring things to the surface we thought we'd handled or maybe didn't even know were buried. That happened to me last year as I wrestled with becoming a senior and the changes that come with that. It was a struggle but I am feeling better now.

Becoming older isn't actually something that is out there in any of the books and articles about CPTSD; that is, relational trauma over the lifespan and gender based changes (menopause). I'm glad you brought it up and I hope those of us who have gone through it can share and discuss this. It might be helpful to all of us who are experiencing age related changes and challenges.

Thanks, Kizzie. I look forward to hearing from the 60+ crowd if they have anything to share.

I've read all about the correlation between CPTSD and the chances of developing heart disease, diabetes, depression, etc. What I haven't seen anywhere is anything about your body actually becoming frozen in trauma, 40 years after the fact, to the point of stiffness and having to remind yourself to breathe.

[NarcKiddo]

Sorry, didn't think you may not yet be familiar with the acronyms. Emotional Flashback. Check out the six major symptoms section, under re-experiencing trauma, for more info. I would link but am just rushing out the door.

Pardon my ignorance. Can you tell me what you are referencing when you say EFs?
Thanks for any help.

Welcome.

I think menopause can be a huge emotional upheaval at the best of times with all the hormonal fluctuations. I also thought I was "over" many things, but all I had really done was store them in the attic of my brain rather than clear them out. I started therapy after what I now know to be EFs became stronger and harder to deal with. I initially assumed it was menopause but when HRT helped with many physical symptoms but barely touched the mental ones I knew I had to seek other help.

I wish you all the best on your path to recovery.

[Papa Coco]

Damagedfruit,

Welcome to the forum. EF's is a term that comes from Pete Walker's book, Complex-PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving. It references our trauma reactions to life's triggers. An EF can last a few minutes or a few months. Whenever we think we're doing fine, and then someone triggers our trauma responses, and we go into a downward spiral of Fight/Flight/Freeze/Fawn, we say that we are in a period of EF. It will last until we come out of it.

As we are leaving Summer and coming into Autumn and our Holiday Season, a lot of us with CPTSD go into EFs because of the way the weather and the Holidays tend to revive so many bad memories of our upbringings. I've been quiet on the forum for the past two months because during the summer months, I have outdoor projects keeping me busy and I feel like I'm all better. But alas!  Fall is right around the corner, and as of today I can feel my annual depression coming already. I'm going into an EF because the Holiday season has too much of my past in it and it's throwing me back into a state of EF. Soon I'll start having dreams that I had to move back home with my parents and my nasty siblings. I might even have nightmares of Catholic school again, and that all happened more than 50 years ago.

For me, since Catholic school was so abusive, I probably go into my annual EF in early September because that was when school started when I was a lad. Now, just the date of the first day of school launches my EF for the season. I love the fall and I hate it simultaneously. As I age, I get better at handling the EFs, and as I now am a member of this forum, I have people who empathize with me because they feel the same way and, even though the feeling is of deep loneliness, the notion that I'm with other lonely people helps me feel less lonely. That's the part I love most about this forum. I can feel lonely with other lonely people and together we sort of hold each other up until our EFs subside.

Again: Welcome to the forum and I sincerely hope you find it a safe place to be yourself without having to explain why you feel how you do. We all have CPTSD here, and we all know what it feels like. I feel validated here. I don't need to make excuses for why I feel how I feel. My friends here already know how difficult trauma responses can be.

[Fraying]

My stuff was all prior to age 18, and going on to be a productive member of society doing good work, I thought I was over it.
Enter menopause, and a failure of repression, and everything has changed.
I recently weaned off of the anti-depressant I had been taking >25 years; it wasn't helping anyway.
I have lost years of time. I don't want to lose anymore.
I want to be well.

Except for the antidepressants (and not wanting to reveal my gender), this is pretty much me. There's something about getting on in life and losing out on all that time I used to have that makes me incredibly sad.