Becoming less of an extension of disease

[Widdiful Falling]

I am tired. Generally, when people are tired, they need sleep. Not me. If I'm tired, it's because I'm lazy and useless. How dare I sleep when there is so much to be done? I must exhaust myself before I deserve to sleep.

The same when I'm hungry. I don't really need that food until I'm well on my way to passing out.

I don't think normal people feel this way. In this way, I feel like I am an extension of my M. I keep applying her philosophies to my life, and until I stop, she will live on.

I was really confused the other day when I said I was tired, and even though we had things to do, my SO suggested I sleep. I protested, because who sleeps with things left to do? My SO said that doing things can wait, because if I'm tired, I clearly need sleep. I realized that tiredness is my body's way of telling me to sleep, not a sign that I am lazy. In fact, I bet that if I slept every time I was tired, my productivity would increase, if anything.

I am also trying to wrap my head around crying as a healthy self-expression rather than as a sign of weakness and lack of control. I want to get to the point where it's not shameful for me to be seen with tears in my eyes. I've always been told by M that I'm ugly when I cry, so I try not to inflict my ugliness upon other people.

Can anyone else relate, or share advice?