Symptoms that disguise themselves and can be manipulated.

[Bermuda]

Some of my earliest signs of CPTSD are not things that anyone identified. I was born with a heart condition, nothing series, but my mother taught me it was. I was always told be mindful not to overexert myself, besides I was a young lady after all.

My first panic attacks were brought on by physical exercise. Running or jumping on a trampoline would trigger my flight response, and since my panic attacks don't ever trigger me to think I am dying, it was never diagnosed. I was in the hospital so many times with my "heart condition" from ages 11-18. At 12 I was diagnosed with high blood pressure and put on blood thinners. I carried aspirin with me everywhere, in case I felt my bloodpressure rising. I truly believed it was my heart because I would have intense chest pain that made it difficult to breathe. These were definitely panic attacks. Did my mother truly believe that it was my heart, or was she using me for pity? This is my first time ever reflecting on this.

Today I thought about this because I thought about what I thought was social anxiety. It was quite a buzzword at one point when I was young. Social anxiety, as if there was a chemical imbalance in my brain which was simply making me anxious to be around people. There wasn't. I was wrong. I was abused and traumatised. I had a reasonable expectation of negative outcome.

[NarcKiddo]

I strongly believe there are signs. Many signs. And the more stories I hear from people like us, the more my view is cemented. It would be so nice if the signs could be noticed.

These days I notice an excessive reaction from someone else, even a stranger in the street, and it makes me wonder. We all know small children have tantrums and meltdowns. My mother told me children are calculating and just want to gain attention for their own ends. I am the first to grit my teeth if a baby starts screaming or a toddler kicks off. But when I was conditioned to react as my mother had taught me I would get angry if the person in charge did not immediately do their utmost to shut it up. Now I find myself observing very carefully how the caregiver responds to the child. Are they simply trying to shut it up as quickly as possible or are they responding in a caring manner, trying to calm the child for the benefit of the child? The former response now triggers me a little.

I read recently (it might have been in Pete Walker's book that I am currently reading) that an "excessive" emotional reaction may on some level not be excessive at all. We may have every reason to expect the negative outcome, as you so rightly point out.

I'm also interested how your mother said you should never exert yourself. Lady, and all that. Mine was the same, although I had no particular condition she could pin it on. In my case I think it was that I might injure myself and then cause inconvenience to her. My mother recently wrote some family histories. There is not much of hers in there but as a child she was very much a tomboy, playing outside, getting dirty etc. She loved it, though I get the impression her caregivers did not. Her mother certainly didn't. And yet, with all of those supposed happy times messing around, we were never encouraged to do likewise.

It's kind of hard to know if our mothers believe what they are saying. I don't think they know themselves half the time.

[Bermuda]

TW: Got untentionally a bit dark. Religious abuse.

Our families must be related. How do so many of us grow up believing the same ridiculous things? Imagine a baby manipulating the emotions of their guardian, and for what? Imagine being a baby and already being told that crying out for help is wrong. Imagine being helpless, and being left helpless. It's so sad.

We learn not to ask when dinner is ready, or we will be sent to bed hungry. How dare we have needs.

I am triggered by crying. I am triggered by guardians. I am triggered by angry people who don't understand that the social pressure they put on parents, especially the bad ones, is not helping. Mine was obsessed with appearances, but not enough to change her behaviour. It would have always been taken out on us. Embarrassments.

You are probably right. I don't see my mother as introspective. She used her experieces to ironically justify her parenting practices. That has always seemed so illogical to me. Even though she probably had panic attacks, she didn't see me as a person like herself. The purpose of children is to help with the chores, that's what she would say. Why else would she have so many? So, she used us. Did she think that wrong? Probably not. We were hers. She brought us into this world, and she could take us out. 'Honor your father and your mother. Whoever reviles his father or mother must surely die.'

[Kizzie]

Bermuda and NK your M's sound so much like mine.  We were there for them, to use for attention or disparage when we wanted too much attention. I remember once having the flu, vomiting in the hallway because I didn't make it to the bathroom and my NM being really upset she had to clean it up.  She was angry with me. That doesn't make sense to me knowing what I felt like as a parent. My son's needs came first likely because of my upbringing and knowing how it felt not to have the care and concern healthy parents give their children. 

I've often wondered if parents who have Munchausen by proxy (https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/munchausen-by-proxy#1-1), are some extreme version of NPD given their children are objects to them, they crave attention and they often induce or inflate illnesses to get that attention. I've told this story before but my NM got a lot of attention from my having Ovarian cancer (and illnesses as a child as I am now remembering), and most certainly from my F being an alcoholic. She also got attention though from our successes too though (my NB was a jock, I got a doctorate, my F was a senior member of the armed forces). 

OK I'm rambling off into new directions here, but your point is well taken Bermuda and NK that your Ms were definitely not healthy and parented in a abusive/neglectful/traumatizing way.  And that's why we're here - sigh.