Too Tired to Argue

[gcj07a]

My icr has lately been doing a lot of the driving. He is feeling very protective and trying to defend me from any potential threat. Unfortunately, his ways of doing this is to flip on the anxiety around situations that have hitherto been no big deal. And each time I let him get his way, things calm down for a bit. But then he goes after something else.

Lately he has been systematically isolating me. He continuously suggests that my friends actually dislike me or my wife just married me for pity. He has also suggested that my young children will reject me just as soon as they get to know me better with older brains. He would like me to quit my job to protect myself from those relationships, but that is a non-starter. I need to work in order to pay the bills. He is ingeniously suggesting ways to isolate from people at work--just in case.

Problem is, I am too tired to argue with him. To resist. To reason with him. I have written an inner dialogue with him over on the recovery journal thread. It is like that nearly all the time. I feel like I have a little terrorist living in my brain. And when he doesn't get what he wants he can be so vindictive.

I don't know what to do. Part of the problem is that I at least half believe the doom and gloom scenarios he paints for me. My T says I should figure out what he really wants. She thinks I need to give him a new job where he can continue to protect me without being a jerk. I have no idea how to do that right now.

Moving alone to a cabin in the woods sounds nice, but I know the icr will just blast me for abandoning my responsibilities. It really is a darned if you do and a darned if you don't sort of situation with him.

Thanks for reading!

[dollyvee]

Hi gc,

I always found that Pete Walker's concept of the ICr didn't make a ton of sense to me, or was difficult to connect to, which is probably the more apt way to put it. As I was doing some IFS, I learned that we can take on parts of people that aren't ours as ICrs. So, the part is not actually mine if that makes sense, and I think is maybe why I had a difficult time connecting to it. There's a chapter in Jay Earley's book on the inner critic about this, as well as a portion in Innovations and Elaborations about legacy burdens which can be connected to ICrs.

I also wonder about your feeling tired with the ICr. One of my responses is to go into freeze, or shut down mode, and it could be that the ICr is giving you a similar response. Perhaps this was familiar to something that happened growing up? For me, I also had the experience of not knowing the how to proceed and always felt that nothing I did would affect the situation when I was a child, so I just shut down.

These are just my experiences, so take and leave as needed. It sounds like you are trying hard with this and I hope you find some respite.

Sending you support,
dolly

[Kizzie]

GCJ, it could be that because you are talking more here (and with your T?) your ICr has gone into overdrive. The message may be as simple as getting you to slow down a bit because that part of you perceives too much threat at the moment.

Whatever tactic you take to deal with it - Pete Walker's fighting back and telling the ICr to take a hike or IFS of befriending and integrating it, it may just be that you need to slow down and rest a bit more, relieve some of the pressure?

Just my thoughts of course.

[gcj07a]

Dolly,

Thanks! I am definitely a flight type. So, the icr has many running scared from anything that smells like intimacy. I learned early on that I could not be vulnerable because whatever I said could and would be used against me later. I have long isolated and have very few friends that are on the inside, so to speak. The icr has generally accepted them in the past given their long track record of genuine love and affection for me. But he is jumping at shadows now (which means I am jumping at shadows) and I don't entirely know why.

Kizzie,

That is an interesting thought! In my last session, my T talked to the icr for awhile with adult me as the intermediary. He seemed to warm up to her some. But, after I left, he instantly regretted all of the vulnerability and sharing he did. He is expecting the other shoe to drop, to find out I've been had. In IFS language, my manager and my icr are merged. That is, my manager mostly helps me avoid danger my pointing out all of my flaws and suggesting ways to mitigate my inevitable failures. It is all on me.

Slowing down may be the right call. When I visualize the icr, he seems to be running backwards, trying to find a solid wall to rest against where he knows nothing will get him from behind. He is frantic. My manager tries so hard to keep me out of danger because he is especially critical of the actions generally taken by the firefighter when stuff gets tough. My firefighter mostly suggests alcohol, YouTube videos of various sorts, or food to soothe me. If I have stumbled into a situation where conflict is inevitable and I can't escape, however, the firefighter takes over and I become either ingratiating (fawn) or, more commonly, verbally dominant (fight).

A couple of other factors: 1) I stopped consuming alcohol about three months ago. 2) I am a teacher and we just started back at work after the summer holiday. I expect things to settle down sooner or later.

[Kizzie]

Whoa yes, that would all have the parts, especially the ICr on high alert leaving you feeling frantic. It's like  in there from the sounds of it.  I hope you're able to lower stress somewhere somehow. 

Taking small bites in therapy might be one area; most T's get it when you tell them you need to slow down. 

[dollyvee]

Well done on quitting drinking  it makes sense if there's nothing to take away the feelings of an exile which could be bubbling up to the surface that the critic would become more frantic as those are the feelings they want to conceal.

My impression too of what you described - the isolation, not trusting people, wanting to be harsh with yourself for being vulnerable - reminds me of fearful avoidant attachment. IFS acknowledges attachment theory but tries to look at it in terms of parts I think. Attachment wounds are usually learned very young, my t tells me they're probably preverbal. Perhaps the ICr is trying to manage the feelings of a part like this, or there is another part that is polarised with the ICr but hadn't made itself known yet.

What I've been learning recently is that parts can have "multiple reality disorder" where they live in the past and can't take in the information because they are not aware you are an adult and think you're still a child. Perhaps you could ask the ICr how old it thinks you are and whether it's aware of some of your resources as an adult or finding out more about what it's scared might happen?

These are just my thoughts and might not be relevant to you, so please take as needed. I'm learning more about my own IFS experiences recently and they can be many layered. So, it's good to write it out here. Hopefully the more I talk about it, the more it helps me understand too.

Sending you support,
dolly

[gcj07a]

Dolly,

Thanks! I hadn't really looked into attachment theory before, but I think you are exactly right about me being the fearful-avoidant type.

I also really love your "multiple reality disorder." It is so true. I am thinking of it like the different parts have different sets of VR goggles on but are all moving around the same room. No wonder things are confusing! I see my T again on Monday and my psychiatrist today. Hoping to get some clarity and make a game plan.