Letter to Aunty C

[Saluki]

I've written this to you in my head for so long. Not sure if there's any point in sending it. I learned about flying monkeys, and it seems you are one. So it would probably only hurt me to read your reply.

There's a reason I didn't send you a letter before. It was because you never took the time to listen to my side of the story: you never even asked.

How dare you parrot my mother's cruel words at me when I called you, begging for help? I was living with a violent abuser. He beat me, he raped me, he hurt me in so many ways.

I begged you: he's hurting me, I said: please could I come to visit with my children?

How dare you turn me away in such a cruel way? How dare you!

I used to love you so much. My kind aunty, I used to call you. The only one I thought I could trust.

Your behaviour towards me back then disgusts me. But it wasn't the first time you treated me badly.

All of you let me down so badly.

You knew my mother has severe untreated undiagnosed mental health problems yet you didn't even bother to ask me if I was okay at my cousin's wedding. You just talked behind my back.

I loved you so much. So very very much.

I wanted you to be my mum.

Did anyone ever tell you I was being sexually abused by a paedophile from a very young age until I was fifteen, or is that one of the family secrets? Am I one of the family secrets? If in doubt, blame my dad, right? Wrong. He wasn't perfect. But he was the kind one. I always loved him because he respected me for who I am, always, even when he didn't agree.

My mother and all of you tried to crush me into their pretend perfect mould. When I didn't fit, all of you shunned me and discarded me.

My expectations on you receiving this letter will be that first you will deny, then justify, then make excuses, then blame me and say what a terrible cruel person I am. My expectations are that you will parrot my mother's words at me. Tell me how I destroyed her life.

Do you remember when you took me to live with you? I do. I must have been two years old, if that. Do you know why? Do you remember why you took me? I do. Because my mother couldn't cope with me.

Do you know how old I was when I first remember my mother shouting the words you parroted at me, when I begged you for help to leave my violent, psychopath husband?

"You destroyed your mother's life".

"You destroyed my life!"

I was tiny. I might not even have been two yet. I remember. I remember because those words, along with "I wish you'd never been born", "I should have aborted you" and other abusive language was repeated over and over and over again to me.

My mother had a difficult childhood. That's not an excuse to abuse me.

I don't want to tell you any more now. Writing this is exhausting. Living with the voice of my mother and your echos of her is debilitating.

I actually don't love you any more. I feel desperately sad not at losing my favourite aunty, but at being fooled into thinking you were the kindest person in the world. You're not. You're just another person who gets it wrong and doesn't understand the consequences for others of your actions.

You hurt me. So deeply.

Goodbye Aunty C. I hope you sometimes think of me and worry that you might have hurt me. But I doubt it. I would never treat another human being like you treated me.

Why would you do that?

I don't even want answers.

Just to get rid of your hateful voice from my head.

[Saluki]

Letter to Uncle

Hey lovely Uncle,

I hope you are still alive and if you are, that things are getting easier for you. You were always so kind to me. It broke my heart when you told me you would have looked after my boyfriend, hidden him from his abusive family. I wish I'd called you sooner. Before he died. We were just children, only teenagers. Losing him broke me and I know you would have helped if you could.

I wish it had been you who'd picked up the phone that day when C told me I couldn't visit with the children. You are a kind understanding person. You would have listened. You would have told me to bring my children and flee my psychopath husband. I know you would and I'm sorry I didn't feel strong enough to ask to speak to you that day. I was so lost. So hurt. Did C even tell you I'd called?

My mother's family have been very cruel to me over the years. My grandmother was kind, J was difficult but I loved her nevertheless. I used to think C was the kindest person in the world, but she let me down by not listening, not asking, just parotting my mother's abusive words back to me.

I hope C has treated you kindly. You were always so happy to see me. You have the kindest eyes and you always made me feel safe and cooked me delicious food.

I want to know my cousins. I miss you and them so much but I was treated like a pariah, hurt so deeply that I didn't feel wanted or welcome. I just wanted to tell you that I was never angry at you. My mother's family are difficult people and I don't think I can cope with ever seeing them again, but I don't feel like that about you, or my cousins (your children), or B. He was a pariah too, but maybe it was different for him.

Thank you for always being kind to me.

[Saluki]

Dear Uncle B,

I don't know if you're still alive. I hope you are okay if you are. I never got to know you, only met you when you were drunk.

I'd love to ask you the truth about why my mother is so abusive. Maybe you have some answers. Maybe I don't want to know.

[Saluki]

Letter to Aunty J,

You've been horrible to me. So cruel. You were vile to my mother too. I don't know why she didn't cut you out of her life. Your husband used to be kind to me, but that changed when I last called: he was as cold as you always were.

I need to know what happened to J. She was mute like I was. What happened to her? Was she abused like I was? Did you all rally round to shut her up like you all did to me?

I don't even have the energy to waste on trying to explain anything to you right now, but when I do, when you read the abusive letters my mother sent me, along with evidence of her lies and severe coercive control and abuse that went so far as making me homeless, whilst she was pretending I made her homeless (I have evidence that she wasn't) maybe you'll reassess who to blindly support.

I don't know if I'll bother. My ideal closure would be to sue my mother for damages, get back what she stole from me, but that's probably not going to happen so my alternative closure is to get you and your sister and my mother and her cousin and anyone else who blindly supported her and shunned me out of my head.

PS your saviour knows what happened to me. What kind of "Christian" are all you hypocritical converts? The type who turn abuse into further abuse it seems. That always upset me about you: how little me and my mother meant to tnose of you who converted to Christianity. Seems you didn't read the bits of your book you needed to.

Get out of my head, hypocrite: you never knew me.

[Saluki]

Dear cousin J,

I always loved you. I know we never said a single word to each other, but I loved you so much and I always will. You're not ugly or plain like those vile abusers called you. You are beautiful, You are lovely. You were always understanding of me because we were the same. You have such beautiful, kind eyes.

The first time I met you, your sister ran up to me, kicked me hard in the shins and pushed me over. She was always the golden child, wasn't she? Was she cruel to you too?

Why were you mute like me, J?

Who hurt you?

You don't have to tell me, but I can tell you mine. But not now. Only if you want to know.

I know you're not okay.

I know no one took you to the doctor either. We were always called "shy" or "quiet as a mouse", told the cat's got our tongue, weren't we?

I'm sorry you felt so afraid for all those years.

I miss you so much, but I'm too scared of our family to make contact. I hope I will find you one day. I love you so much, cousin. And the truth is, I wish I had an allie in this saccharin family of ours, where if you're not perfect, you don't survive.

[Saluki]

Dear Cousin X,

Did they lie that you died? I have a sneaking suspicion that they did. First they told me you had been disowned because you were "a drivelling junkie" then years later, I was told you died in Spain. I don't believe them.

They probably said I was dead.

[Saluki]

What I have got out of this so far:

A need to find my cousin J. I know and have known since we were little that she was abused too. Maybe we share similar experiences. Maybe she's on this forum now. If you see this, lovely J, know that whatever they did to make you so frightened that you couldn't talk to anyone for your entire childhood and adolescence and perhaps beyond, I believe you. I heard your pain when we sat together in silence at the roller rink and I heard your pain when everyone fussed over your sister and either ignored you or mocked you for not being able to speak.

You can talk to me. I will listen and I will believe you. We share a great grandmother, your namesake, and I feel close to you even though we haven't seen each other for 20 years or more.

[NarcKiddo]

Your letters are heart rending. I was particularly affected by the ones to Uncle B and to your cousins. So much collateral damage. I'm sorry you had to experience all that.

[Saluki]

Thank you NarcKiddo.

It's crap being the child of an undiagnosed untreated mother who denies or justifies everything she ever did, then blames you for everything. It's sad and at the same time comforting that others have similar experiences.

I will probably never know what's wrong with her.

She has different personalities with different voices. She's a perpetual victim and when it's not my fault it's my dad's fault, when I said it's not my dad's fault then it will be my fault again. One of her personalities is an outrageously egotistical narcissist, another a poor old victim, another a strict disciplinarian, another trying to be kind. It's impossible to know what you are going to get. It always was and I am terrified of her.

[Saluki]

Letter to cousin C

Hey C,

I tried and tried to message you and I on Facebook. Since my account was under a pseudonym with no photos, I never did know if you ever opened my numerous messages. I would have told you that I was so sorry for what I replied on the phone, that I didn't want to be friends. I did want to know you, but my ex was poking me and prompting me what to say. He sexually, physically, emotionally, psychologically and financially abused me for years. He controlled every aspect of what I did, who I saw, what I wore, where I went. You and I were allies: he had to get you out of my life and he succeeded.

I don't know if you've been privy to my mother's cruelty against me. Aunty C and Aunty J certainly have so your mum and dad most likely have too.

No one ever bothered to ask for my side of the story.

I have been looking you up online for years now, every so often. Every time I do it my heart breaks a little bit more because I'll never be "good enough" to be a part of my mother's family. You have no idea what my life was like: none of you have. My mother was cruel in so many ways. She had severe untreated mental health problems which she denied. She wouldn't even come to counselling with me when I asked, to try to heal our relationship. Instead, she told me:

"You're the one with the problem, not me."

Everything I tried to do, she took from me. She lied and lied and lied and I have proof of her lies. I have nothing as a result. She took everything my grandmother wanted for me, for herself, and blamed me.

I am the proverbial black sheep.

I don't even know what I hope to achieve by writing this. I don't think I will be believed or listened to or understood by them but I hoped you were different. I honestly don't know. All I know is that I was never wanted, that my mother has successfully turned her entire family against me and so be it. So be it.

I don't even know if I hope I'm wrong.

Everyone always thought I was shy. I wasn't shy: I was terrified. My mother was unable to love me because she never wanted me. She tried: oh, she tried. But I think she's the family secret, isn't she? The mad one with all the money: get the daughter out of the picture and the vultures circle.

That's how I feel when I get stone cold responses from family members, or stone cold silence.

All I ever wanted was for my mother to love me. I never wanted any of your fing money. Aunty C is a cold hard woman. What she did at yours offering a deposit for a flat and then laughing and saying "You didn't think I'd give you any money did you, you junkie?" That was nasty. I was genuinely homeless, had been drug free for years and was pregnant. I just needed a home.

I hope you are different.

[Saluki]

I shouldn't have written that last one. I shouldn't have looked them up. It's cursed my attempt at getting any glimmer of a reasonable sleep pattern. Awake all night in a state of worry and insomnia. At least I didn't have nightmares but thinking about these C words (appropriate that so many of them actually have names starting with C). I'm so angry I could scream, so sad I could cry but my stupid meds won't let me. Aaaaaggghhhhhhh!

Maybe these particular people aren't awful people but I am going to trust my instincts that I shouldn't trust them or contact them. Better safe than barrage of DARVO.

[blue_sky]

Saluki, gentle  if that's okay.

If not, I can just quietly sit next to you, you're not alone.

[Saluki]

Thank you. Hugs are always welcome when offered with kind intention 🙂