Hello!

[Goosey]

Hello everyone! I'm Goosey. I wanted to join a space like this because, now that I'm basically picking this wound every week in therapy, it's been on my mind a lot. Processing everything, I mean. I figured having a community would be helpful. So thank you in advance for having me.

I'm in my twenties and a survivor of CSA and emotional abuse. (The former one is hard to say, and I don't think I truly "believe it" when I say it. I'm still learning to be okay with saying it and not feeling like an imposter or like I need permission. But I'm getting there.) On a lighter note, I love to draw. I'm just a hobbyist, but I've been drawing since I was very young, and it's my main outlet. I wanted to share at least one thing about myself that was more casual in tone.

I received a sort of "informal diagnosis" of C-PTSD when I was in my late teens, that basically consisted of my psychiatrist at the time saying "if I could diagnose you with this, I would." (I don't think it's a formal diagnosis you can receive where I live.)

I've been doing a bit better over the years, to the point where I'm in a place of peace regarding the emotional stuff, but I recently had to re-refer myself back to therapy to tackle the CSA. (It was never a focus of previous therapy, I was in-and-out for most of my teenage years due to depression and anxiety. I'm still fairly anxious, but my depression is luckily in remission and has been for many years.) A particularly bad nightmare was the straw that broke the camel's back, for me, that made me realize I've just been running from it and assuming it'll "heal on its own" somehow.

I'm currently working with a therapist to unpack a lot of the core beliefs it taught me and untangling the web of how it impacts me today. It feels like it affects me in a way that is not obviously connected at first glance, in a sort of insidious way. I'm not sure if that makes sense. I could go months without thinking about it sometimes, but it taught me so many things about the world and my self-worth that it affects me even when I don't realize it. It feels like an ick I can't shake, if that makes sense. And when it did rear its head fully, it wasn't pretty.

Hopefully this wasn't too long or rambly. I hope everyone's having a nice day (or night, if it's night where you live.) Thank you for reading.

[NarcKiddo]

Hello, and welcome. I am sorry to hear of what you have been through but I am glad you have found us. I'm also glad to hear you are working with a therapist again. That sounds like a good decision.

I've recently come back to art as an outlet. I loved it as a child but dismissive comments from my mother ruined that for years.I've been astonished just how therapeutic it can be so it's nice to hear you like to draw.

[Moondance]

A warm welcome to you Goosey,

Your post makes perfect sense.  I can relate to not feeling it when I say or even write about much of it, whether it be CSA, emotional abuse, neglect and abandonment.  In definitely am detached from myself when writing or speaking about it.

I'm so very sorry for what you went through Goosey. You didn't deserve it or cause it.  You deserved soooo much better than that.  We all did.

I hope you find all of what you need on this empathic, supportive, encouraging forum.  This has been my experience here. 

Wishing you well Goosey. 

[Papa Coco]

Goosey,

Welcome to the forum. Thank you for sharing all that you shared about yourself.

Like you, I've suffered both CSA and Emotional abuse. I can also resonate with you, that the emotional abuse was a more difficult pill to swallow. I accepted that CSA did some damage, but I still felt loyal enough to my family that I couldn't quickly accept that their treatment of me was abusive.  At first, I felt like a fraud for having CPTSD, and I continued, for a while, to loyally make excuses for why my family had treated me how they'd treated me for my whole life.

One day I realized that I would never treat my own children or grandchildren with the manipulative, blaming, dishonest words that were used on me when I was their age. That's when I realized that if wouldn't say that to my own kids, why did my family feel right saying them to me?

I finally rationalized that human beings don't build lifelong trauma disorders from nowhere. That's like saying nobody painted the house but it changed color last week anyway. No. If the house changed color, it's because someone painted it. And likewise, if I have a trauma disorder, it's because someone caused it. Trauma disorders are the result of traumatizing experiences. And, speaking only for myself, the CSA I endured caused a lot of pain, but it didn't cause all of it. There had to be more, and after really exploring how I would never treat my kids how I was treated, I came to finally drop my loyalty to the family, and look at them for who they really were to me.

I'm glad you found this forum. I joined two years ago. It's one of the best things to happen for my healing journey. The people on this forum are so kind and compassionate. It's a good place to share at whatever pace you feel comfortable sharing in.

Here's a hint: I spend most of my time in the Recovery Journals section of the forum. The recovery journals are found in about the center of all the topics, in the block of Treatment & Self Help. Its' the fourth link under the heading Treatment & Self Help. There, we are okay to write as long or short a story as we want. We respond to each other, and any topic fits in the recovery journals.

Welcome to the forum.

[Goosey]

Hello, and welcome. I am sorry to hear of what you have been through but I am glad you have found us. I'm also glad to hear you are working with a therapist again. That sounds like a good decision.

I've recently come back to art as an outlet. I loved it as a child but dismissive comments from my mother ruined that for years.I've been astonished just how therapeutic it can be so it's nice to hear you like to draw.

Thank you! I was going to say that I've been "enjoying it" but that's probably not the best phrasing, aha. More that it feels like difficult but necessary work. It's definitely been a drain on my energy but I know that's a natural part of the process.

Art is very fun for me, I'm glad you've been able to come back to it. I've noticed through the years how much my mental state comes through in my self-portraits. I've been drawing myself happier and happier looking as I've gotten better, and I still have a ways to go.

A warm welcome to you Goosey,

Your post makes perfect sense.  I can relate to not feeling it when I say or even write about much of it, whether it be CSA, emotional abuse, neglect and abandonment.  In definitely am detached from myself when writing or speaking about it.

I'm so very sorry for what you went through Goosey. You didn't deserve it or cause it.  You deserved soooo much better than that.  We all did.

I hope you find all of what you need on this empathic, supportive, encouraging forum.  This has been my experience here. 

Wishing you well Goosey.

Thank you for the welcome. And it means a lot to hear that. I haven't read too much yet but the energy here is very comforting so far. Wishing you the best as well!

At first, I felt like a fraud for having CPTSD, and I continued, for a while, to loyally make excuses for why my family had treated me how they'd treated me for my whole life.

One day I realized that I would never treat my own children or grandchildren with the manipulative, blaming, dishonest words that were used on me when I was their age. That's when I realized that if wouldn't say that to my own kids, why did my family feel right saying them to me?

I can really connect to what you said in this part. I also endlessly made excuses for the people who hurt me, which often included blaming myself for reacting to it rather than them for doing it in the first place.

One of my biggest personal breakthroughs when it comes to feeling genuine anger about what happened to me was when I imagined it happening to anyone else. How would I feel if I had a child and one of my family members behaved the way they did towards them? That was one of the first times I felt genuinely angry about it, and it was a wake-up call for me that I should stop trying to excuse it. It was a good step in my personal healing. I'm glad it helped you realize something similar because you didn't deserve to be treated that way, either.

And thank you for the recommendation to the Recovery Journals section, I'll definitely check it out, and maybe make one if/once I feel comfortable enough.

Thank you for the warm welcome!

[Bermuda]

Hey there, welcome to the forum. I didn't find it at all long and rambly. Sharing can feel difficult but we are all here to listen. 

[Kizzie]

Hi Goosey and a very warm welcome to OOTS     

[Goosey]

Hey there, welcome to the forum. I didn't find it at all long and rambly. Sharing can feel difficult but we are all here to listen. 

Hi Goosey and a very warm welcome to OOTS   

Thank you both, it means a lot!

[Blueberry]

Hello Goosey, welcome to the forum

I resonate with various things you write. I know a mbr recommended you try Recovery Journals. In addition to that reading in more specific topics can also be very helpful. Like if you ever feel up to it, if you read in the CSA board https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?board=159.0 you might discover other mbrs for whom it's difficult to say they're survivors of that kind of abuse. That's the case for me too. Or there's General Discussion of Causes of trauma in childhood: https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?board=170.0  For myself I find it very validating to read how similar other mbrs' stories are. Mbr Journals are sometimes long and long-winded (incl. my own!) and so you may find more specific information if you go looking for it by topic on the forum. I kind of presume, possibly mistakenly, that your cptsd is childhood-onset. If not, there is a board for Development in Adulthood too. There is in fact a TON of information on this forum.

If you have any questions on navigating the forum / where to find xyz, just ask since it can be a bit daunting at first. Hope to see you around the forum!