Blue's blues

[blue_sky]

I have been thinking about starting my journal for a while but it still doesn't feel like a "Recovery Journal" so i kept hesitating.

Anyway, for now it's more of Blue's blue  thoughts and feelings.

I have an audit coming up at work and I am not dealing well. It feels like I'm getting judged by external auditors and my manager and it's weird.

[TW CSA]

It possibly stems from CSA when my B used to make me take a shower while watching me.

[End of TW]

I also have a gynae appointment tomorrow to discuss placement of IUD which has been making my anxiety go off the roof.

I have a baby and a teenager inner child in me who went through different kinds of CSA. Teenager had to face a bit more abuse/(harsh parenting?) and is quite difficult to befriend. Throughout ages 14 - 19, both the baby and teenager got suffocated so much that they have almost vanished.

So now I am trying to resuscitate them one at a time. Baby me likes to talk a lot  and sing and dance    and was always told I was "too much", "too hyper", "wanting attention all the time" etc. You are not too much little baby. You are exactly just you, a baby. And Blue Sky loves you for who you are.

That's all for now. Maybe I will write again after the doc visit.

[Armee]

Aw I would have adored baby you. My daughter, now 11, has always been "too much" and she is absolutely lovely that way.

[Ghost]

Aw I would have adored baby you. My daughter, now 11, has always been "too much" and she is absolutely lovely that way.

I love that!!

I think our little selves are just who they need to be and it's lovely to love them! <3

Lady appointments are so *shivers*. I hope it goes easy and smoothly and you feel heard and respected.

[blue_sky]

My anxiety was off the roof today because of the gyno appointment. My partner couldn't join me either so I was not ready at all.

Baby and teenager both were nervous too. I kept feeling physically sick. It's quite amazing how your physical body can communicate what's going on mentally.

I tried some deep breathing and promised both baby and teenager that if we get through this appointment together nicely, I would buy us a LEGO set.

Went to the appointment. Got nervous to find parking. Got lost in the mall after parking the car and then had to run to the clinic.
By this point I was breathless and almost trembling.

I lost words when I was speaking to the doctor. It felt like I couldn't make sentences in my head. But she was so calm and patient with me.
She explained everything nicely and told me that they could put the IUD under anaesthesia in the OT and she could do the cervical screening also at the same time so I wouldn't have to worry about undressing and being in pain. It was a win! 

I called my partner after the appointment because now I was confused whether I have to keep my promise of buying a LEGO or not (since we didn't have to do a cervical screening). But my partner thought I still deserved a nice LEGO.



I got the Wall-E and Eve LEGO set. Teenager selected it. [A bit of background: In our early stages of falling in love, my partner gave this movie to me and recommended that I watch it. We hadn't told each other that we liked each other. This movie was almost like a spark/ a conversation starter to our amazing love story]

Anyway, I feel good today. Now back to assignments and still stressing about work audit   

[Ghost]

I'm so glad it went ok!!!
And your partner is right, you totally deserved the Lego set. (Your partner sounds very sweet)

[Blueberry]

I agree, you totally deserve the Lego set. Because, you, Baby and Teenager all got through that appointment! And maybe something about one of you three communicated somehow to the doc that she should give you a bit of a break and do everything under an anesthetic.

I have Littles who like to sing and dance too

I wanted to write a while ago that imo anything we write on here at least for ourselves is a step on the road to recovery. That includes your Journal too, even if you might not see it that way yet

[blue_sky]

Thank you Blueberry for the hug. I really needed it.
I haven't been able to go to my T as much as I would like to. We both have such a busy schedule and due to finances as well. So it gets difficult for me to notice my recovery at times. Then I get stuck in a vicious cycle of self critiquing that I'm not good enough 

[blue_sky]

Did EMDR yesterday with the teenager.

Teenager had been grounded in the house for "loving" a guy when I was just 14. He was more like a really really good friend rather than a "boyfriend" and was the only one who knew about CSA at that time. Teenager was grounded for a month with no phone, no TV, no school, no talking to any outsiders. Teenager was sent to a different school in the middle of the year for a month. It was horrific and teenager was so lonely. And finally when teenager was settling-in slowly in new school, teenager was taken back to old school to be humiliated again. Lost respect from teachers and peers, was the "talk" of the school.

[TW]

Teenager self harmed a lot. CSA was at its peak. B was stronger than before and  was now F & M's fav child instead of teenager so his ego was off the roof.

[End of TW]

By the end of the session, i had three thoughts/rules for myself:
1. Teenager me is still allowed to stay angry at M&F.
2. Adult me acknowledges F for being a good* F but doesn't respect him for being a bad spouse to my M.
3. Adult me will try my best not to be a mediator in their relationship whenever possible.

*Terms and Conditions follow in F being a 'good' F

[blue_sky]

Haven't updated anything for the past 3 weeks. Teenager was very tensed from EMDR work and digging horrible stuff from that time.

But the "good" part is that teenager and adult me together knew that we are in a troubled state of mind and went to the ED to get help. That's the first time we have done that.
It was scary, it was extremely difficult but we did it. We also managed to slowly catch up on missed work and uni lectures/ assessments.

Another thing that had been troubling me was the upcoming accreditation audit at work. It kept giving me anxiety attacks almost everyday at work as I was working through the actions required. Yesterday was THE day of the audit and we actually did good 

There were fixable minor issues, one of the findings was my mistake solely and that shook me quite a bit at that moment but today I feel like I can accept my mistake, I can accept the fact that I am a human and I am allowed to make mistakes too.

This is Blue Sky today.
You cannot view this attachment.

Next hurdle now is getting IUD placed under anaesthesia in the OT. I feel relieved I will be under anaesthesia but it's still so nerve-wrecking 

[NarcKiddo]

You've done very well. Particularly in handling the small mistake you made, realising you are human, being able to see and accept that the audit as a whole was a success, and that you contributed to that success. Accepting we are not perfect and cannot be perfect, and getting over it, is so hard for us CPTSD people so kudos to you.

I hope the IUD procedure goes smoothly. I don't know if you have been under anaesthesia before. If you haven't, be aware that anaesthesia can make you feel nauseous when you wake up. It does not affect everyone this way but if you find yourself feeling nauseous then tell the medics, because they have anti-nausea drugs on hand which work very well. I had a general anaesthetic when I was six, and all my life I have vividly remembered the vomiting afterwards.  When I had an operation last year I mentioned this to the anaesthetist. This meant he was able to give me extra anti-nausea drugs while I was under and I knew I could ask for more if I felt bad when I woke up. I am not particularly bothered about vomiting but it is not fun and the surgery last year was abdominal, so I didn't want to be straining my stitches.

[blue_sky]

I had my first group therapy yesterday. It's a similar version of DBT.

There were 9 of us, I was so anxious beforehand.

The first task was to talk to the person next to you and introduce them to the rest of the group. It was so scary to speak out loud but I did it.

We also learned about what emotion regulation means for us and what we hope to get out of this 8 week program.

Ended the class with a short mindfulness breathing exercise.

It felt peaceful. It felt warm. Group hug baby Blue and teenage Blue and adult me 

[Armee]

Good job. 

[Bert]

Hey Blue,

I'm so happy for you that this session possibly surpassed your expectations and that you felt connected and "warm" to the group.

I also wanted to make a comment that you seem in a more positive spirit more recently - I hope my judgement is correct. I'm so happy to know you're healing.

Do keep journaling - I'd love to hear more about how you're getting on.

 

[Blueberry]

That's wonderful blue_sky! I'm so happy for you

P.S. I hope you don't mind me writing out your name in full because Blue is the name of one of my Inners and it feels just too strange atm to address somebody external as blue. Tho baby blue and teenage blue are fine, don't feel strange.

[blue_sky]

Thank you Bert, I have been feeling more positive than negative for a couple of days now.
And Blueberry, you can call me Blue_Sky, i have no problem with that 

I had my IUD placed yesterday. Reached the hospital on time and waited and waited and waited for hours. Then my husband went to pick up his neice from school and I realised I forgot to bring the IUD with me  Had to call my husband and ask him to go home and bring it to the hospital. That's when the nurse also says "we'll be ready for you soon".

The inner critic in me was in rage. Oh my god did I jump into telling myself so many bad things that I am such a loser, I am so irresponsible, I am this I am that. I had to take a moment to step back and tell myself "Hey, I'm human and I'm allowed to make mistakes".

The next hurdle was internal fight between being scared to go under general anaesthesia for the first time vs. wishing that I'd never wake up again. My mind was working so much that I was exhausted physically. I remember crying so much after the procedure and telling the nurse about my sibling and the abuse and God knows what else.

But, I did it!  It did hurt when so many people questioned why I needed to go under general anaesthesia just for IUD but they don't know me.

Next hurdle is diwali, brother's day ughhh  But it is also going to be almost 3 years of NC with the sibling aka the abuser of CSA. So I will instead be celebrating Blue's Independence Day for the 2nd time.