Need help with jealousy

[blue_sky]

Hi fam,

I need your help/ advise/ validation/ assurance or even scolding if I am in the wrong here.

Quick background. CSA in childhood and teenage years. Difficult but functioning family. Met amazing boyfriend who is now husband (H). He unfortunately has to be my carer and at times gets carer's fatigue and gets quite affected. He is quite an introvert too so not many friends. Has a female friend, (A). H & A are quite close and have been there for each other during the best and worst of times. I have known and met A and she's nice, nothing wrong about her.

I have never been suspicious of their friendship. I know and trust my H 100%. I think I even trust A 100% that she would never do anything that would jeopardise my marriage. But why do I (or inner child/teenager me) feel jealous when H talks about A?

A little bit more background - Years ago, H told A about my past one day (without my consent) when H was extremely stressed and didn't know who to go to.
I found this out through their chat history (I checked H's phone. You can scold me for this). I think it shocked me because this was when I hadn't really started talking about it to anyone, probably hadn't started therapy either. I felt so ashamed, like I could never face A anymore.
Confronted H about it. Had a massive fight that I checked his phone  and I had the "if you have nothing to hide, why are you angry that I check your phone" ..blah blah... Challenging marriage times...   H also tends to give full attention to A when the three of us meet (which can be quite rare). That's when I feel neglected. I feel like I'm not important for him when A is around. I feel like I cannot be his best friend and he needs someone else to take that spot.

Again, adult me knows it's not true and that A is important to H and there is nothing wrong about that right? But why do I feel jealous when H talks about A? 
A apparently asked H "why doesn't Blue like me?" and it broke my heart 
It's not that I don't like her. I am not evil. There's just something that makes me (or inner child/teenager) jealous and insecure.

Fam please help!   

[Armee]

I think it makes sense that parts would feel quite jealous of their friendship especially if he pays a lot of attention to her when the 3 of you are together.

Because it sounds like she might be pretty understanding? And knows your past...that's not really ok that H did that without telling you  ....perhaps just straight up honesty about feeling jealous, with both, and why. It's OK to feel that way. You aren't laying down ultimatums. You'd just be telling them your feelings.

[NarcKiddo]

Of course you are not evil. And you would not be evil even if you utterly disliked A. We don't all have to like the same people.

I would be upset if my H told somebody something private about me without my consent. In fact he did so recently, when we were on holiday with his aunt. We were all at dinner and he shared something. I didn't actually mind him sharing, it was the fact that I had no warning and he did not ask me first. It upset me a lot at the time and the next morning when he asked me if he had overstepped the mark I could not explain the problem as it triggered an EF so we had to wait until we got home from holiday until I could bring up the subject and discuss it properly.

Your situation was obviously more emotionally charged because there was the element of you going through his phone.

It can be really hard to accept that we might not be able to fulfil every emotional need our life partner has. But the fact is that we can't. My husband feels somewhat threatened (still) by the fact I have a therapist. He sometimes wants reassurance from me that I am not complaining about him and that I will not turn round one day and leave him because my therapist judged him to be a bad husband. However, I have a T partly because he cannot fulfil every need I have, nor should he. It would be far too big a load. I actually feel like I sometimes carry too big a load in respect of my husband because other than work I am the main focus of his life. He does not go out with his own friends. (I rarely go out with mine but I have lots of online friends, which he does not.) So yeah, you cannot be H's "best friend". You are his wife. That is different. I know social media is riddled with the concept that our spouse should also be our best friend but I don't see how that can truly work. I'll be very interested to see what others think.

I agree with what Armee said. I personally would be reticent about telling A specifically that you feel jealous because you don't know how that might make her react or behave. She might try to solve the problem by only meeting H when you are not there and that could make it feel worse. I'm just thinking out loud here, not trying to advise because I have no idea what to advise. In your position I might choose to tell A and H that you feel a bit left out when the three of you are together. I assume H knew A before he knew you, so if they talk about shared interests that you do not share, or history from a time before H knew you then they would probably understand that might make you feel excluded. You could even say that you do not dislike A and are sorry she feels that way and you would like to get to know A a bit better (if you would like to), which cannot happen if A & H dominate the conversation when the three of you are together.

Might it be possible for you to arrange a meet up with A at a time when you and H are coming from different places, say after work? And suggest that you and A meet a tiny bit earlier so the two of you can chat without H there? You might need to make it clear that you are not looking to become close friends with A as such, and will not be suggesting outings with just you and A, but a small amount of time one on one could be helpful, maybe. Again, just thinking out loud. I think this is something to talk through with your therapist first, so you are sure on how you feel about it, which parts of you are jealous, and why those parts are jealous.

[Keirshy]

I really like NarcKiddos advice. It sounds well rounded. I think it's hard for us to tell why exactly you feel jealous - that's something only your Parts (and to some extent your therapist) can truly tell you.

What I can do is say that what you're going through sounds absolutely understandable. Especially because A is a woman, you might feel threatened. This sense of complete absorption from your partner might have unfortunately been fostered in an abusive way during your CSA. Just an idea, see if your Parts react to that idea.

Regardless I think even people who haven't gone through such a traumatic experience would likely feel jealous. You shouldn't have gone through his phone, but you asked for forgiveness and you were probably very stressed. As long as you don't do it again, I think it's alright!

I think A isn't thinking poorly of you. In my experience, most people outside the FOO are very sympathetic. That's the normal response. They probably blame your abusers and just want you to be safe and healthy. And if she doesn't do that, well, honestly it will show, and then and only then would it be time to think about this situation. Otherwise, it's safe to assume they want the best for both of you.

Take care, keep us updated!

[blue_sky]

So yeah, you cannot be H's "best friend". You are his wife. That is different. I know social media is riddled with the concept that our spouse should also be our best friend but I don't see how that can truly work.

This is so important for me and my inner selves to hear! I am his wife and I don't have to be his best friend.

Thank you Armee, NarcKiddo and Keirshy for the validations.

I kept thinking a lot yesterday and I am wondering if I could write down a letter to A. She lives abroad and is getting married in another country in 6 months. H and I are going there for the wedding as well as holiday (Holiday will be just me and H so I'm looking forward to that ). So I can't meet A one-on-one and I don't want to drop such heavy topic few days before her big day. I thought maybe a letter would do justice. I am also a big fan of letters personally (esp handwritten ones) so I hope I can come clear in my letter and explain the jealousy and that I don't hate her.

But jealousy just feels like such a negative emotion and it makes me feel very negative about myself. I want to believe that I am not evil for feeling jealous.

[Armee]

You are not evil for feeling jealous. Period. It's a feeling. It's appropriate to feel it. It doesn't mean H is doing something wrong or that you hate A. 

[jimrich]

Hello:
I can only say what I learned in therapy about my jealousy.  It all came down to my own sense of insecurity or inadequacy which was a byproduct of early emotional damages from my parents & some others.  I felt like a scum-bag and had very low self worth so just about anything could easily trigger my shame-based feelings of jealousy, competition, resentment, fear, hostility, animosity towards just about everyone around me.  In therapy, I was taught how to recognize these ego damages and find some healthy self worth/respect and, once a little self love and acceptance entered me, I STOPPED feeling jealous of or threatened by the behaviors or actions of others and even learned how to confront misbehavior or offenses of others in healthy, assertive and NON JEALOUS ways.  All my wives had some jealousy issues and I was able to help my 2nd wife GET OVER her jealousy of other women by helping her raise her own self worth so that she was no longer threatened nor intimidated by other women.  It happened when we went to the beach and I convinced her to NOT BE jealous of the other women in their yummmy bikinis and that I would not act like a stupid HOOTER when at the beach.  We even got to where we could both LAUGH at & enjoy the exposed bodies of other beach-goers since jealousy and fear was NO LONGER in either of us.  High self worth, respect and love is the only way out of insecurity and the jealousy that it produces in a frightened, low self worth person. It may take some work to be convinced that we don't have to fall into insecurity & jealousy but well worth the effort, IMO.