Self torture or false hope?

[Saluki]

Why do I do this to myself? So every once in a while I will look up my cousins online. I don't even know if I miss them or not. I barely knew them growing up. The only reason my cousin got in touch with me (after only meeting her a couple of times during childhood) was because she needed some backup on something. Which is lovely because obviously she saw an ally in me, but not so much because it would have been nice to have been contacted just because we're family, no?

So I started getting to know her a bit.

My ex was very violent, controlling and abusive. I turned to my cousin when my mother made me homeless but I couldn't be fully honest because my abusive ex was present.

My ex manipulated me coercivity controlled me to stop speaking to her. After I escaped I tried and tried to get in touch, to no avail. They'd moved home but she and my cousin in law never responded to my numerous messages on Facebook. I had an account under a pseudonym, no photos, so they might not have checked. I no longer use Facebook anyway.

But I was doing my usual today of searching for them online and I found them... and their kids... and it just broke me.

Because my kids missed out on having cousins their own age to hang out with. Because I missed out on having them as family. I do love them but I realised after my kids told me they're not interested in getting in touch with their cousins (why would they? They're just random people to them) that if I tried and was rejected I would feel awful all over again.

I try to be optimistic but they must have seen my messages. Surely? My mother has laid down so much poison about me that I know I'm sn outcast and I don't want to risk being treated like one, or worse, having my mother or her flying monkey relatives hurting me again.

Their cruelty, to them, isn't cruelty: it's perfectly justified.

I don't see why my cousins would be any different. They're doing very well for themselves and I'm struggling and hurt.

I don't know why I suggested to my kids to try to contact their cousins.

I just think that their generation has the right to start again but I don't want my kids to walk into a trap set by the elders.

So I'm going to try to forget them.

But I'll probably just carry on looking them up and wondering... do they even care?

[marti.325]

Sounds very difficult and yes torturous. When I'm being tortured inside by CPTSD conditioning I find no peace. I focus on everyone else not liking me, not caring, I hate them all. Like today, I've been really underwater, couldn't focus, feel heavy, could've gone out but didn't. It's all CPTSD and the feeling in my body, which for me then translates to my thoughts, that I am in shock. It's a hard road but I don't stay here. I worked with a Somatic Experiencing therapist for 5 + years and got better at engaging with the world. I hope you find a way to do one small thing for yourself that makes you feel better: a hot shower alternating with cold can be good; a cold pack on my diaphragm is something I learned from Marty S. docs, being my own best paramedic. You are not alone. CPTSD makes it feel that way.

[Saluki]

Thanks Marti.

That's exactly it: underwater. no focus. heavy. I picked something up in my kitchen yesterday and it felt 10 times the weight it usually does. That was so weird. I have the old electric shock pains running down my arms and legs again. Can't work out if it's the new meds or just the usual coming back because the weather is turning.
Thanks for your advice. Will try the cold pack on diaphragm. Scared of showers currently. So dizzy don't trust myself not to slip over.

[marti.325]

Sorry for the late reply. I've read what you wrote. I'm glad I was able to validate what you were going through. Did the cold pack help? For the first time ever, I am letting a website alert me to any responses, so hopefully I can keep in touch with all of this. It helps.   

[Saluki]

Hey Marti, sorry too- I'm very bad at remembering to reply. I have a confession that I was freaked out by the thought of cold on my skin when I went to do it, so I didn't in the end. I always think I'll try things then I don't. I'm putting tiger balm on instead which I guess is probably more scary because once it's there you can't get it off but it's actually very comforting. Thank you for your reply and it's nice to get replies later as it reassures me it's okay to be slow or late 🤣

[Blueberry]

I have a confession that I was freaked out by the thought of cold on my skin when I went to do it, so I didn't in the end. I always think I'll try things then I don't.

I often plan to try things and then don't. With time I've noticed that's a good thing because it either means it's not the right time for me (for example too early in my healing journey - something else needs to heal first) or it's a healing or soothing tool that's not right for me, ever. This year in inpatient T, I learnt that there's no one grounding tool or get-back-in-body tool that works for everybody. In fact some tools are not just unhelpful, they may actually be contraproductive for a particular person. My inner wisdom (aka intuition I suppose) knows things my head doesn't. Maybe some of this above applies to you too.

[Saluki]

Thank you Blueberry 🙂