Bert's Journal

[Armee]

This is indeed a very tough moment in time. We're here with you as any fallout comes down.

We had similar moments with our mom, but less stressful because no minors were in the home with her. It's a lot to brace for.

What happens to your sister if your parents are found unfit?

(For what it's worth, in case it's helpful...my aunts have been very important in my adult life and I got a similar response as you...that they wish they had known how bad it was...I noticed I had a lot of heartbreak around that statement and even a little anger even though I love them deeply. Just thought I'd share that in case you were having stronger feelings than you'd expect from your uncle saying that)

[Bert]

Hey Armee,

Thank you for being there for me. I'm doing okay.

My sister is currently with me and my partner as we rescued her last night. As the feathers have been ruffled, so to speak, that environment in my parents home is now a hurricane...

She'll likely spend her days between me, and my uncle's for the time-being as things unfold.

I don't have much hope at all with the services - but I have managed to create some momentum with my wider family.

I shall post my mind here again soon.

[Armee]

 

For you, your partner, your sister, and your uncle.

[Papa Coco]

Bert

Bless you for caring so much about your sister. Some people admit today, that while 99% of their lives were under severe duress, they remember that one uncle, or brother, or neighbor, or teacher, who proved to them that they weren't completely alone in the abuse. So many people credit that one person for keeping them going when the rest of the world felt like a war zone. I trust that you and your uncle are giving your sister that gift right now. What you're doing by caring about her is no small thing.

I hope Social Services does the right thing. They're an overworked and overly scrutinized agency. If they make a bad call and remove a child who shouldn't be removed, or don't remove a child who should have been removed, they are crucified in the media later. I hope and pray that they take on the courage to make the right call in this case.

My prayers are with you and your family. This situation tugs at my empathy, because I have been through some similar things. not exactly the same, but along the same lines. Same pain. Same hope. So I feel it with you.

What I know for sure is that the ONE thing bullies hate the most, is when their victims stand up to them. I hope that your parents don't take their anger out on her. Meanwhile, your sister has the gift that you and your uncle can see her and validate her pains. She's not alone.

I sincerely hope for the best possible outcomes for all of you. Keep us informed.  And, again, BLESS you for being on her side. It means more than most people really know.

[Bert]

Thank you guys. Papa C - thank you for pointing that out. You are absolutely right. Through my hardship, I can't help but feel this selfless force that just wants to be that shining beacon for my sister. That has been there ever since she was born into the world. I think a part of me knew that that would become my role. To help her navigate parents and to be a role model for her. A sanctuary.

[Bert]

Don't where to begin with this entry. So much is going on.

My sister continues to live with me. And I've caught myself in a form of "auto-pilot" whereby I disassociate from my own emotions and feelings for the purpose of being what would look like an unfazed rock through this very difficult time indeed. A sort of parental instinct perhaps? As I said, She's much younger than I, and I've effectively played the appropriate parent role in her life.

Thing is, I recognise that that part of me is so profound. The "brush it all under the carpet, and keep going. It's not that bad" part. While it has it's value, I understand it comes at a great detriment to everything else going on inside of me. I think as part of my childhood, being gaslighted, being told that I should be this, be that, and that what I feel and experience in my life is vastly less important than my parents - it makes sense that I've basically lived my entire life so far in that state of being.

But given the world-collapsing anxiety attacks I've been experiencing, this mentality mustn't carry on.

Unsure where the social-services are at. But the wider family are actually intervening. Properly. They know of some truths, and I'm sure they will (some already have) witness first-hand the depth of denial and illusion that my parents have built. Sadly, I've witnessed the disbelief and sorrow of some, as they themselves realise how dire the situation is.

I'm really not sure how I'm doing at the moment. Whether I'm doing okay. Or whether I'm in that self-protection mode. Apathetic.

Meanwhile, self therapy with IFS is going very well. I'm learning so much about myself. So many "a-ha" moments and connections being built. It makes me feel hopeful and as though I'm productively working through myself.

My wife and I travel to the south of France soon for our wedding celebration/ceremony. We married in the UK in a registry office to get the legal stuff out of the way, but the social and celebration aspect of it is in a couple of weeks. Naturally, my parents are not welcome to attend. Not even sure it was a bitter pill for them to swallow. The family are in complete support. Cheering me on in-fact.

I'm looking forward to it now - nothing to look over my shoulder about. I won't be in a state of depersonalisation as I always am when I'm anywhere near my parents. I help describe that to others by offering the following; imagine a young deer in the woods, with two prowling hyenas. Nothing at all will stop the deer from experiencing chronic distress, vigilance, and the rest of it. Then imagine that the deer is only confound to a inescapable perimeter. It can only then feel "nothing" in order to bare the circumstance. Complete apathy and disconnect. I think that somewhat describes the feeling of DP to others.

Anyhoo. Thank you for reading. I hope you're having a good day.

[Lakelynn]

Hello Bert,

Doing the right thing for your sister is one of the ways you are showing the highest possible love. All the strength you have within is still there and just as strong for her, as it was/is for you. The problem, as you've said, is auto-pilot.

When in emergency situations such as this, perhaps auto-pilot is not such a bad thing. You are aware of yourself and the way you've chosen behaviors to survive. That's different from being unaware and still figuring it out.

I like the way you've described the deer amidst the hyenas. Protective strategies are the first choice when threatened. In a way, auto-pilot is protective. It allows you to function, even though that functioning is not necessarily the way you'd like. 

We don't know each other, and all we have is what we share  here. Reading what you've written shows that you are courageous, kind, protective, strong, respectful, empathetic and altruistic. That's a good foundation which shows capacity. Take a moment to fully appreciate yourself. 

[NarcKiddo]

I am glad to read that your sister is now safe with you. I am also glad that your uncle is on board because you may need some help and support from him. Much as you love your sister, it is hard work taking on an extra person at short notice, especially if they are traumatised. I have personal experience of this with my stepchildren.

I believe your sister is 16? As far as I know she can decide where she wishes to live; Social Services and your parents cannot override her choice. Again, I have personal experience of this (I am in England so rules may differ slightly in other areas). You might want to check this, but if your parents should start threatening to take her back you may be able to reassure her and yourself that they cannot do so.

I wish you all the best as you navigate this turbulent period. I hope you have a wonderful time in the South of France.

[Papa Coco]

Bert

I'm not going to clutter your recovery journal with my story, but I do want to tell you that I once had a little sister. Today I see any man who loves his little sister with even half of the heart I loved mine with, is a hero in my world. An absolute hero. When I write that I'm impressed by you, please don't take that lightly. I would give almost anything to have my little sister back. Being a big brother who steps in and protects his little sister is an honor worthy of great self-respect. I hope you can feel that honor. If she's counting on you, and you're there for her, then, as far as I'm concerned, you're one of the world's greatest heroes. On behalf of all the big brothers in the world, thank you for showing us how it's done.

[blue_sky]

Bert I just wanted to add a bit more to what Papa Coco just said. As a sister who never got the love and support from the big brother, instead was a perpetrator in CSA, you really are a hero and sisters like me pray everyday for brothers like you guys. Thank you for protecting her, for being her saviour. You are doing absolutely fantastic from what I read. Don't forget to take care of yourself too and be kind and loving to yourself too. Also thank you for sharing.

[Bert]

Good morning,

I wanted to say thank you to all of you. Your words are so moving and your encouragement is truly felt.

Lakelynn, thank you very much for pointing those qualities out to me. I have that chronic habit of thinking and feeling as though I'm never doing enough, coupled with the need for external validation and permission means that until somebody points out that what I'm doing is "right" or "good", only then am I able to appreciate myself.

Narc, I'm in complete agreement. My entire psyche has been turned up-side-down and I do recognise that adding the responsibility of my sister's wellbeing at such a delicate moment is tough. My wife sees this and I believe that arrangements are being made for my sister to spend a few weeks with our Aunt. I'm pleased, as she is great fun and my sister has a pleasant relationship with her. Thank you.

Papa C, similarly to what I responded to Lakelynn; I thank you for spelling that out to me. Please never feel as though you need to withhold from sharing a personal story with me. I can feel from your words that she was very dear to you. My heart goes out to you my friend.

Bluesky, as I read your words, I couldn't help but picture you as my sister. As I am there for her, please know I am here for you also. I hope you are getting on okay. And thank you for reminding me to take good care of myself.

Much love to you all 

[Papa Coco]

Bert,

You are one heck of a nice guy. I can see it in every response you give to each person who interacts with you on the forum.

I know how it feels to have to be reminded of any good thing I've ever done. I can't write a resume' for myself because I've never accomplished anything. I'm not good at anything. I can, however, remember every single mistake I've ever made. My therapist keeps a running list of amazing things I've done in my lifetime. Every few sessions he has to run down that list to remind me that I actually DO have list of accomplishments. Each time he reminds me of my accomplishments, I feel like I've never heard the list before. My brain completely discounts any good thing I do for anyone.

I say that I overachieve because I feel like I have to work 4 x harder than everyone else just to keep up and be allowed to live another day in their world. I could save the entire planet from destruction on Monday, and then wake up Tuesday morning feeling like I'm the biggest loser on earth and I have to save it again today just to feel like I'm not a complete loser.

It's the trauma. We were raised by narcissists who made sure we knew we were worthless and we owed them our undying loyalty. Among its many purposes, Trauma is a teaching tool. It's meant to teach us to never repeat a disastrous mistake. It's a very good teacher. Feeling good about myself was a punishable offense in my childhood, so trauma taught me to never feel good about myself again. My own teaching tool was used against me instead of for me. I assume you might resonate with some of that.

Well, if you trust me, then trust that I see some real good in you. I like reading your responses. You're respectful to the people on the forum. That's a sign of a good person.

Take care, and much love right back to you.

[Lakelynn]

I could save the entire planet from destruction on Monday, and then wake up Tuesday morning feeling like I'm the biggest loser on earth and I have to save it again today just to feel like I'm not a complete loser.

This is so relevant! Thank you Papa Coco for saying it exactly like that.

Bert, that constant need to "prove",  to yourself and others is a legacy of cPTSD, but it doesn't have to endure. You are doing "enough", "plenty", "wonderful things" TODAY. You know it, your wife knows it and your sister knows it.

I'm sending thoughts of STRENGTH to you today.

[Bert]

Papa C, Lakelynn, I had myself a little chuckle this morning reading 'saving the world on Monday and feeling like a fraud on Tuesday'... It's so damn true isn't it. Thanks both. I'm going to log another entry below.

[Bert]

Had a couple of okay days. This morning so far is tough.

Sister is now living at my Aunt's for the next couple of weeks, which is a good thing. I can take it easy knowing she's safe and nurtured there. Albeit, she's no doubt beginning to understand that gravity of her situation.

I hear that my eldest uncle (father's older brother) wrestled my father out of his home, forcing father and mother to spend time apart to put a stop to their toxic codependence in the hopes that some time apart may help them to think reasonably. He (eldest uncle) is distraught. He rang me yesterday to share some words. He is in disbelief at the level of disregard that parents have for my sister and I - and is furious with his brother. I can only surmise that he is experiencing first-hand the degree to which parents are neglectful, and pressing that we are the problem and not them. Quite humorous, really... He was trying to contain himself I think, but I could hear the sadness and pain in his voice.

Sadly, this makes me believe that really, not a lot will change. It's only a matter of time before parents return to each other (when eldest uncle no longer has the patience or energy to hold father back), and their ways. What is positive, is that eldest uncle spoke directly with my little sister and explain that under no circumstance whatsoever, she will not be returning to that household with them.

D'you know... It feels like I'm typing this out for whoever may read this, to read, as a dissociative behaviour. As though if I'm sharing this with you, then it's like I'm creating a distance between the things that are unfolding (which are very triggering) and myself. To cope. I'm not sure how I'm doing. I'm really tired of not knowing how I feel. Emotions being so unpredictable. Because it feels like I'm always just seconds away from breaking down once again, and experiencing a flood of panic attacks.

Could it be that this forum is a coping mechanism for me, right now, rather than a gentle resource? Is that okay?

I'm really confused, lost and scared.