Bert's Journal

[Lakelynn]

Could it be that this forum is a coping mechanism for me, right now, rather than a gentle resource? Is that okay?

Bert, I can't speak for Kizzie, as she created it, but I can say I have used this space for YEARS to cope. And IT IS OK!

The reason I think so is TRUST. That's pretty big for most of us, and especially for "new people" who are going through intense dynamics as you are. The things I see are your coping through writing, in my book always a way to clarify and process. When the story finally comes out, it can be pretty scary to read it, know you've written it and then (GULP) put it out there for others to understand you and hopefully get some reassurance, comfort, feedback, whatever you want to call it. I know sometimes I feel faint after writing. It's as though there is an unseen (ancestral) censor which is going to strike you with lightning, IF YOU TELL.

One of the great things about recovery, awareness and connection with others who understand is that you are safe, you can tell, and KEEP telling. This helps everyone, because those secrets, shame, panic, guilt, are then able to be identified as the defenses that they are, rather than holding them close and mistakenly thinking they are an identity. They are feelings which are now in the light of day, able to dissipate (maybe) with some compassion and "logic," We can't do it by ourselves, because if we could, we would have already!

What is positive, is that eldest uncle spoke directly with my little sister and explain that under no circumstance whatsoever, she will not be returning to that household with them. When an unhealthy situation goes on for a long time, it's really * to "call it" and stop it. It feels like the world is upside down. But this won't last because eventually, her living elsewhere is going to be a new normal. And over time, the upheaval and those feelings of disbelief will lessen.

You're doing a great job, it is a rocky road, but you're continuing to walk it. We can help you stay with it. 

[NarcKiddo]

It is totally fine to use the forum as a coping mechanism. Journaling is a well known way to help process thoughts and emotions. Doing it here means you know you have our support and the possibility of feedback that may help you

 

[StartingHealing]

Could it be that this forum is a coping mechanism for me, right now, rather than a gentle resource? Is that okay?

Bert, I can't speak for Kizzie, as she created it, but I can say I have used this space for YEARS to cope. And IT IS OK!

The reason I think so is TRUST. That's pretty big for most of us, and especially for "new people" who are going through intense dynamics as you are. The things I see are your coping through writing, in my book always a way to clarify and process. When the story finally comes out, it can be pretty scary to read it, know you've written it and then (GULP) put it out there for others to understand you and hopefully get some reassurance, comfort, feedback, whatever you want to call it. I know sometimes I feel faint after writing. It's as though there is an unseen (ancestral) censor which is going to strike you with lightning, IF YOU TELL.

One of the great things about recovery, awareness and connection with others who understand is that you are safe, you can tell, and KEEP telling. This helps everyone, because those secrets, shame, panic, guilt, are then able to be identified as the defenses that they are, rather than holding them close and mistakenly thinking they are an identity. They are feelings which are now in the light of day, able to dissipate (maybe) with some compassion and "logic," We can't do it by ourselves, because if we could, we would have already!

What is positive, is that eldest uncle spoke directly with my little sister and explain that under no circumstance whatsoever, she will not be returning to that household with them. When an unhealthy situation goes on for a long time, it's really * to "call it" and stop it. It feels like the world is upside down. But this won't last because eventually, her living elsewhere is going to be a new normal. And over time, the upheaval and those feelings of disbelief will lessen.

You're doing a great job, it is a rocky road, but you're continuing to walk it. We can help you stay with it. 

 

[Lakelynn]

Doing it here means you know you have our support and the possibility of feedback that may help you

[blue_sky]

 
I hear you. It's okay to not be okay. Hoping you feel better soon.

[dollyvee]

Hi Bert,

I've just started reading your journal and am sorry that you're going through so much right now. Like others have said, you're doing a great job of being there for your sister, and it's great too, that you have someone like your uncle to bear witness to what is happening.

I grew up in a narcissistic family with all the enablers, flying monkeys and dysfunction. Like you, no one ever actually knew what was going on, and they did a very good job of trying to hide it. I know that if I talk about certain family members they won't see that they were actually an alcoholic, or how another tried to hide their temper (and these weren't even the narcissists). I just wanted to say that it really, really sucked having to go through that and I feel for you. I'm glad that you and your partner (congratulations!) are there for each other. You're also not alone on the forum either. To me, it's healthy to talk to other people who have been through similar situations about how you're feeling.

Sending you support,
dolly

[Armee]

 

It's a confusing sad and scary situation right now. The good thing is though that you no longer live with them and your sister doesn't either. Now you focus on helping both of you cope and heal. Coping is not negative. Coping mechanisms are not negative. Especially not when you are in the middle of a situation that requires coping. Sometimes dissociation is a magic tool we all developed, forged in pain just for these types of situations. I don't like dissociating when I should be not dissociating. But when a situation requires some distance to get through, it is not so bad.

And I think it is very healthy to have places like this to go to get it out of you, to create some distance. Distance allows you to breathe and see things in a less triggered light.

I probably started using this forum as a coping mechanism too in the beginning, but then it became a resource as I realized these are real people here. Responding to me. Helping me.

[Bert]

Hey everyone, I've been away for a short while enjoying a break with my now-wife. I want to thank each and every one of you for sending your support and help. I'm going to write a short update as my next post as I'm certainly in need of picking this back up - it helps a lot.

[Bert]

So, I've just spent roughly 11 days in France celebrating mine and my wife's wedding ceremony with a bunch of close friends and select family. It actually went very well. I didn't struggle really... I genuinely afforded myself the space to just "be", and felt no pressure to do anything other than just enjoy the trip and the event.

I'm back now, and I'm finding it so so difficult. I thought that perhaps my nervous system had finally started to relax, and assume a position of stability to tackle getting my life back in order.

I shared a call with my business partner this morning as I try plan a gentle way back into my work. A 45 minute call that had me so anxious, panicky and afterwards, profusely crying. The call was mostly reassuring and under usual circumstances, nothing to worry about.

But I'm struggling. I haven't worked now for some 5 weeks as I have been in no fit state to deal with anything really - I needed a break from stressors and triggers to get me back to a semi-functional state. Early on in this time, as it is documented here, I also explained many of the details of my situation to my wider family and have decided to close-off my relationship with my parents as they too are extremely triggering (obviously).

As I aim to resume my work today, I'm experiencing the worst of it once again. Hardly slept last night. Constant shakes. Sensations of panic and impending doom. Can't keep anything down. It's quite evident that my work, or at least the clients and people I work with, I see as authority figures in which I feel totally responsible to help and that nothing short of my excellence is required in order for them to be happy, and for me to feel remotely validated and worthy.

Consequently, I am now terrified of the idea that perhaps I cannot face my work at all, for god knows how long. I'm so upset. I can't cope with feeling this broken     I'm going to try my best to expose myself to what I possibly can (which isn't a lot) in the hope that my confidence may begin to build. But I'm feeling defeated already and as though it isn't hopeful.

I could really do with some wise words from somebody who has experienced something similar. To tell me everything's going to be okay regardless... My wife tells me and it comforts me immensely. I love her so much.

Thanks for reading - I hope you are doing well.

[Armee]

 

It will be ok Bert. The break does zap some confidence and I'm guessing perhaps once you dip your toes back in you'll readjust and it'll get easier to manage than it feels right now.

On the other hand, these feelings are definitely trying to communicate something to you, that something about work is not working for you and perhaps when you are in a better space it will be clearer what type of change is needed to be ok for you. Changing jobs is ok to do.

Right now cut yourself a lot of slack because you are in both a difficult situation present moment and it is also stirring up trauma from the past. It's hard to navigate. I can't recall if you've mentioned if you're in therapy but that would be extremely helpful if you aren't.


I don't know that I have words of wisdom, what I have to say may be a bit demoralizing but I'll share it just so you know you aren't alone...

I had a fantastic career as a scientist for 18 years. I was loved at work, I was considered a star performer. I was constantly (literally) praised for my work. Sounds great but because of the nature of my trauma that was massively triggering. It was becoming unbearable. I didn't realize at the time how deeply connected...literally a trigger.. it was for a severe trauma but I did know it felt like I needed to run away and die every moment at work.

In the meantime at home things were also bad...I was a caregiver for my mom for 6 years some of this overlapped with pandemic homeschooling for my kids who have also been handfuls in ways that are triggering for past trauma. Taking care of my mom was also deeply triggering till the day she died.

When she passed I decided I needed to take a month off work to recover. After a month it was clear I needed 3 months off and got a doctor's note. After 2 months it was clear I wouldn't be ok in 3 month's time either. I gave notice and returned to work to wrap things up, file things etc. I could barely function.

I've been out of work for almost 2 years now. While I am doing better...recovering, healing etc...my confidence in myself and ability to work has drained from zero to start with, to deep in a hole.

So I guess my caution is that stopping completely is a mixed bag. I've had space to heal and rest, but it also has knocked me on my butt confidence-wise. I'll pick myself up eventually and certainly part of it is I have kids and being a mom is already quite a lot of work. But it makes sense to me that pulling away from work for 5 weeks would have some repercussions and I do bet once you put yourself back in it will not be quite so overwhelming. But do listen to those symptoms because they are saying some stuff needs fixing.

Hugs, if that's OK, as you navigate all this. 
And congratulations on your wedding. Your wife sounds like a wonderful support for you. That makes all the difference.

 

[Hope67]

Hi Bert,
I just wanted to wish you and your wife Congratulations on your recent Wedding.

I know your having some anxieties regarding work and confidence - I really hope that you can maybe find someone helpful at work to discuss things with, or maybe things will work out ok, as you get back into things again.  Being away is a difficult thing, I know.  Hard to return to stuff sometimes, but I hope you will be ok.

Sending you a hug, if that's ok 
Hope

[blue_sky]

Hi Bert,

A huge congratulations to you and your wife and a big hug if that's okay 

I definitely experience similar to what you feel. Lots of anxiety and panicky moments before work, even on the way to work, sometimes even while at work. I also do understand the "authority figures and that i need to constantly give my 100% to keep them happy" feeling. I think every Sunday evening I get an anxiety attack. Some Sundays they're bearable, others can be quite bad where I call in sick on Monday. Yep I'm one of those people who constantly call in sick on Mondays.

In my previous job (same role), my manager was thick skinned lady and wanted everyone around her to be thick skinned too. She would call us a weakling or a princess if we called in sick for (and i quote her) "small issues like a fever or just a bit of flu". She would constantly say "cheer up buttercup" if I was having a low day, despite knowing some of my history. It became too much for me and I had to decide to quit. I talked to my husband about our finances and we knew that 3-6 months was easily affordable for me to be unemployed.

Luckily I got offered same role from another company so I was unemployed only for 4 weeks. (Although secretly I did want to enjoy my freedom a bit longer). At this place, I haven't told anyone about my history. I go to my "medical appointments" without giving details and I call in sick without giving the "exact" reason. It feels scary because I feel like I need to justify to my manager but I am slowly learning that a sick day is a sick day, I don't have to explain why I'm sick, what is hurting etc.

At work, I have to constantly validate myself that I am good at what I do. Even if nobody validates me, I try to believe in myself. It's incredibly difficult on days when my emotional mind is in charge... When my boss is hovering around (rarely), I tend to almost freeze. Recently we had an audit for a department which I am responsible for. I was constantly on the edge for weeks, once ending up in ED. But I am glad to say it's now over and I congratulate myself so much for going through it.

Sorry about the long reply, but as Armee said, being out of work can be a mixed bag. In terms of wise words, take a step back, breathe... let the wise mind be in charge... I like making pros-and-cons list when I have to make decisions, i write them out and see where things go. Changing jobs might be an option if its particular people that are triggersome but if it's authority figures in general, maybe option B would be therapies like DBT where you might learn skills to navigate the situation accordingly.

Your wife sounds like an amazing person, Bert everything will be okay. Believe in yourself, you are a good person. We are humans, we are allowed to make mistakes or have difficult days. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

Blue Sky

[Bert]

Thank you Armee, Hope and Blue for your responses. I certainly accept all of your hugs.

It seems I can't face my work yet. I'm in a really awful place once again. I'm so very confused and feel utterly defeated. I was so hopeful that when returning from the trip away, given how joyful the occasion was, I'd find some strength again.

I can't seem to catch a minute's worth of a break from emotional flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, and those feelings of doom and gloom. The worst thing is that my sleep and eating diminishes to almost zero...

When my wife heads off to work in the morning, I seem to panic a lot. While I'm in her company, I feel safer. When I'm alone, it seems I abandon myself greatly. I really want to be free from this 

[Blueberry]

Bert, I don't have any wise words because once I finally realised I needed help badly, I was never able to get back into the normal working world. That was in 2000. I started out the year getting sick (mostly tonsillitis, then lots of different pains in addition, and finally complete and utter exhaustion) every couple of months, then it was every month, then about every 2 weeks, then weekly, then I was able to work either 2 days a week or 3 days and always flat out on the weekend. Eventually I more or less crawled to my GP on my hands and knees (I exaggerate a little but you get the picture) and said "You have to write me off sick, I cannot continue!" which she finally did. It has taken me a long, long time (years) to accept that deep in my soul, so I can really resonate with feeling utterly defeated and sad. I also get and therefore understand the non-stop EFs and intrusions.

ime inability to manage at work is also something that is often not really understood or acknowledged, not even by lots of Ts or by the afflicted themselves like me   I hope your road to recovery gets you back at work in some form that feels good to you, but if you were never to get back on the normal job market, there are some silver linings in that cloud too though in my case NOT "all that spare time" that some people irl are so envious of. I manage a little work for money and for food but nothing like enough to support myself.

It seems I do have a few words and thoughts after all

I can't access it for some crazy computer reason but under CPTSD and Others there should still be the sub-board Employment where you might also find some support, and where you will most definitely find tons of posts from me :roll eyes:

Congratulations on your and your wife's wedding! Good job on just letting yourself be, that's a big recovery step imho. Easing back into work will come if it's possible and unfortunately if it's not possible due to your degree of cptsd, it won't come. At least that's been my experience. No amount of pushing and slogging and self-berating and even medication heals these huuuuuge things. But as I say, I wish for you as for anybody else that your ability to work and support yourself isn't this badly affected even though that might of course mean that something else will be really difficult for you and easier for me. 

[Bert]

I have to be honest and say that I'm possibly experiencing the darkest days of my life.

I can't seem to get much control over my fear and self abandonment. I'm utterly convinced that I'm about to lose everything. I'm feeling quite scared of myself. My inner voices.

I'm struggling to function and do the most basic of things.

I'm thankful to everyone here for their continued words of support and the stories you share with me.

I feel that I'm not far away from being at my rock bottom and I am terrified.