Bert's Journal

[NarcKiddo]

I'm so sorry you are struggling, Bert. Especially at what should be a happy time for you. Congratulations on your wedding and I am glad to hear it went well.

It seems to me like you need to try to rid yourself of this feeling that your clients are authority figures who require perfection from you or they cannot manage. This simply cannot be true, although I know just how true it feels. They are clients and they require a good enough job delivered within the framework of any promises you make to them as to quality, time frame etc.

Have you been able to share any of this with your business partner? I assume they have been dealing with matters while you have been off, so I guess you have told them something. I am just wondering if maybe there is some more admin/back office type of stuff that you could perhaps do to help your business partner out and have them do more of the client-facing things as you find your way back in. This suggestion may not be ideal right now, since your latest post suggests to me that your struggle is currently with more than work. But maybe if there is some routine, relatively easy, work task you could have a go at it might be useful to you?

It sounds like you would continue to take time off in an ideal world, but as others have pointed out, that can be a double-edged sword and when you are self-employed perhaps even more so.

Wishing you the very best.

[Armee]

Sending supportive hugs. Bert. I've been there. Rock bottom is a place to rebuild from. It's going to be ok. You are massively triggered right now and this makes sense that you are feeling this way right now. Deep breaths, walking, talk to your wife as much as you can.

Inner voices. Yeah. I used to get really freaked out because they'd say things that are not my own thoughts...thinks like I need to die. Whatever thoughts are there they are likely protecting you from something else. For me I'd have horrible thoughts about myself when I'd start to feel any emotion at all. It was an instant automatic way to grab my attention away from the things I am not supposed to feel. Recognizing patterns can be helpful.



Hang in there. We are here. And we are either where you are right now or have been. 

[Blueberry]

Hang in there. We are here. And we are either where you are right now or have been.

  

[blue_sky]

Hang in there. We are here. And we are either where you are right now or have been.

Hope you feel better soon.

[Larry]

Hi Bert,  i would like to offer something helpful,  but i'm not very good at that,  just know that i am thinking of you,  i know how abandonment feels,  i hope you can find a healthy way to cope,  sending positive vibes your way 

[Bert]

Hi guys. Reading your words of support helped to pick me up a little over the weekend. Thank you. I feel like I want to say "sorry" for needing your words / help, but I know how ridiculous that is. Especially here.

Narc, things with work are taken care of for the time being and my partner is in complete understanding. In all honesty, should I be unable to resume. He will be fine and as will the clients I serve. I've tried to re-expose myself in the background to the smallest of tasks but sadly it has been phenomenally triggering and continues to knock me into a state of panic / survival. At the moment I'm just desperately trying to relax, calm and see my circumstance in the correct perspective so I can process it. I think I'm unconsciously spending a lot of energy rejecting it and expecting to snap back into my usual gear (which wouldn't be good anyway).

Armee, thank you. I'm trying so very hard not to lose hope, through this rubbish moment of my life. As sad as it is to confess - yes, those disturbing thoughts plague my mind also, at the moment. I'm consciously trying to change the language I use so as to recognise this all in the right perspective. The worst thing for me Armee, is that whenever I get a fleeting sensation of calm and togetherness, my mind fully attempts to believe that everything is okay and I am back to normal. Only then to be reminded by a flurry of hopelessness/helplessness that I'm on a horrible rollercoaster ride of my own debilitating emotions.

Larry, I appreciate the energy sent. Thank you and I hope you're keeping okay.

[Armee]

We all need it...the help, the words, the support, empathy, and understanding. It's brave to admit that.

We all experience those moments you describe, or have months of feeling good and then get slammed down for several months.

Healing is hard, Bert. Because there are those moments when you think "oh! I've beat it! I'm better!" And yes pretty much no sooner than that thought has arisen you are smacked down again. This happens to all of us here. At first it's depressing, then humiliating, then humbling...but eventually that shifts.

Healing CPTSD is like you are hiking up a long steep mountain carrying a boulder. After several trips up the mountain you realize you can carry the boulder with the other arm and switch back and forth and it gets minisculy easier to climb the mountain. Still a massive struggle, but a little easier. Then eventually you realize you don't need to carry the boulder and you leave it behind and it's easier to climb but still really hard. You get near the top but slip backward. Sometimes you slip all the way to the bottom of the hill and have to work your way up again. It feels like you made no progress but in reality all those previous trips up the mountain have strengthened your muscles and heart and it gets easier to climb back up when you slip.

At first in healing the progress is so slow. Every 2 steps forward you take 5 steps back. But eventually the math evens out more...2 steps forward, 2 back. But eventually when you fall 2 steps back you can take a giant leap forward and then when you fall back you don't fall all the way to the starting point. Eventually the steps backward become more like just being pushed back a little by a gust of wind. You stand firm, weather the storm, don't lose much ground, and then keep pushing forward.

At first I started going to therapy for not trauma. I thought it would take 3 months. Then it had been a year, and then 2. I was ashamed because every year mark in therapy I thought I was *almost* done...just a couple more months. And then I tick off another year. I stop telling myself I'm almost done because it's clear whenever I do another surprise comes and wallops me. I don't play that game with myself anymore. It's been five years. I can look back now and see how far I've come from those early days and years. That's good enough.

And those thoughts about needing to die...they aren't real...they are just distractions. You can start to gently think about what was the thought process happening just before those thoughts showed up and you'll start to see a pattern about what those thoughts about death are protecting you from feeling. You don't need to feel them yet, just see what's under the hood. That took the fear of those thoughts away for me. It's pretty normal to have them. You don't need to be scared of them. They are just thoughts and they are thoughts that serve a purpose and really have nothing to do with death.

 

I'm glad you're here

[Bert]

Thanks armee for sharing some love

it feels like my world is crashing around me at the moment. it is looking likely that i'm going to need to leave my work. my business partner isn't understanding and is behaving quite terribly towards me and my wife at the moment. I'm realising that I've perhaps done what many with cptsd do, and have entangled myself with a character that resembles my abuser. I'm holding on right now.

I'm in half a mind to check myself in somewhere as I'm so frightened of myself and being alone.

My wife is being so rock-hard with it all, supporting me so well and carrying on with her responsibilities at work.

I'm terrified of what is going to happen next. I need to prioritise my health as it is very dire at the moment.

[NarcKiddo]

I am very sorry to hear that your business partner is no longer being supportive and now seems to be doing the opposite. You have to prioritise yourself and your health. If your business partner cannot deal with that then so be it. I am glad your wife is able to be such a good support to you.

 

[blue_sky]

Even though we can't be physically there with you, please know that we are all here together, rooting for you Bert 

I second what NK said, definitely prioritise your health and your life. Work will come and go. It's not worth it to work for/with someone who is not supportive of your wellbeing.

If you need to check yourself into a hospital, do not hesitate to do so if that's what would keep you safe. I dreaded going to the ED when I had SI but that was a very wise decision I made and although I'm not proud of the SI, I am proud that I did what I needed to do, to keep myself safe. And it might also be helpful for your wife as she would know you're safe.

Please keep updating and lots of love and positive energy and strength to you!!!

[Armee]

 

Wise words from Blue Sky. Survival comes first. I'm so sorry you are going through these things with your business partner. 

[Blueberry]

I second NK, Blue_Sky and Armee. 

[Bert]

Hi guys,

It's been a while since I've journaled here, or engaged with the forum at all actually. If I'm being 100% honest, I oscillated between thinking I don't need this, I'm just being really silly (rejecting my reality) and cautious that my monologuing was just re-traumatising me. Add in also, that I felt untrusting towards the kind words you all have shared with me.

A number have months have passed and I would say that my attitude has changed. I believe have accepted my childhood, and the condition that I'm in as a result. I have revisited the loving words you have all shared with me and I now *feel* your support, rather than just say that I do.

Thing is... I realise I've spent my life running away from negative emotions. Sadness, despair, abandonment, the feeling of just not being good. My vice(s) haven't been the more stereotypical types like drug misuse, alcohol, p*rnography, etc. I see that I've spent my adolescent and adult life running from feelings of abandonment, by achieving and that has been my vice. A type of left-brain disassociation as described by Pete Walker for those of you who are familiar with his books.

My body has collapsed on me and has forced me through this painful journey. I am thankful for it, as I am now hopeful of my future. Despite how challenging my life has been recently.

I've actually really started to *feel* the less-than-desirable emotions, which is kind of new to me. As like I said, the minute I feel any such emotion I would activate a busiholic flight response to escape. I think this is what the last 6 months of therapy has been trying to achieve. I'm virtually always "in my head" rather than "in my body" feeling the saw emotions and realising that infact, I am safe. I will not die.

I think I've really started to grieve for my inner child. A real turning point was when my therapist managed to get my inner critic to give me (mySelf) and my inner child a group hug. The feeling of inner connectedness when that happened was incredible.

I really hope you've all been well. I just want to say that I love you all. You're all incredible people for fighting through this and standing by yourself.

[Bermuda]

This is all so relateable. I am also guilty of just keeping very busy. It's the CPTSD version of "Don't look down."

Welcome back, and congrats on your breakthrough.

[Armee]

Welcome back.