Bert's Journal

[NarcKiddo]

You're incredible, too. I'm glad you are feeling hopeful for your future and that your therapy is helping you make progress.

[blue_sky]

The feeling of inner connectedness when that happened was incredible.

[/b]

I feel so happy for you. Welcome back.

We all have been through the "i dont need this therapy/group/medicine/(insert anything)" phase.

  Waiting to hear/read more from you.

[Papa Coco]

Bert,

It's good to hear from you again. I can't count the number of times I have felt like I've worked through everything, and then spent some weeks or months feeling victorious, only to end up triggered again, and surprising myself by the fact that the trauma responses are still there.

It's great to hear that your therapist is one who brings your inner child and inner critic together for a group hug. I read a lot of books about PTSD and trauma, and during these days, it seems that a lot of experts are finding that bringing us back together with the little parts that live within us, (currently called IFS therapy), is proving to be one of the most successful treatments to helping us find some peace within ourselves again.

Welcome back, and I look forward to more interacting with you.

[Bert]

Morning guys,

Thanks for warmly welcoming me back - it's fantastic to have a little supporting community on here.

You know, over the past 4-5 months I feel as though I've unravelled this to the core. You know the stages... Denial, bargaining, depression, grief, etc. It's been very painful as I'm sure you all know to well.

Papa, you point out a very true thing. The inconsistencies in my mind are crazy-making. In the whole PD / dysfunctional family system, I'm certainly the Hero child. So I've developed this mindset of portraying ultra-confidence, ultra-competence, ultra-togetherness, etc. So, in my case, it's debilitating to have a mindset (or a part) that is super "ahh, we've got this, this is nothing, we're on top of the world" to literally being cocooned under the sheets in complete despair.

I fully accept that I'm going to need to be able to let go of the super-achiever perfectionist, or at least cut him some slack. Bringing him closer to my inner exiled child, who is terrified. I'm going to need to manage countless emotional flashbacks in the future, I'm sure. Perhaps in accepting this and willingness to work through and to keep trying, things will get better over time?

Loads of love to you all

[Bert]

A tough morning this one. Not debilitating, and I'm managing through fairly well.

Avoiding doing my resume and applying for work despite having agreed with myself that we're ready to give it all a go again.

Up until 6 months ago, I was running quite the successful business. I've a decent name for myself in my local area and have spoken to a couple individuals I feel that may be interested in employing me. The resume/cv that I'm to put together, I know will be a compelling one as I've many accolades for that "success" thing.

However... I'm quite scared. I don't want to go for a high-responsibility job that my resume and history would suggest. That'd be catapulting me right back into the high intensity relational atmosphere which triggered me in the first place. I want to take it easy, and find joy in a relatively lower-responsibility role where I'm support by a good line-manager and a few team mates. But I fear many would see me as over-qualified for such a position. I don't care about the money. Just want to get myself working again, in a good-enough job that I can manage.

I hope that employers would understand that desire? It's so strange in this "rat run" society where everyones chasing more and more and more.

Therapy in an hour which I'm looking forward to. And afterwards, I might just take myself out to a quite cafe and update that resume of mine.

[Armee]

I think a lot of people would understand and respect that desire to step back into a less stressful role. I'm doing the same with my job and my previous position wasn't even stressful. They are kind of confused of course but just want to get me back to the work force. Hopefully you are met with the same kindness and can get back to work in a way that keeps the triggers low.

[Bert]

Thanks for your words Armee. I hope you too find the right role that suits your needs 

[Bert]

Sorted my resume. The process itself was fairly enjoyable once I had gotten myself started. I actually took myself out to a local coffee house, sat at a quiet table with the sun shining in. Was the perfect place to get something like this done.

It truly is mind-boggling how a part of your psyche just refuses to believe that you are worth anything / completely incapable. Updating my resume was the perfect opportunity for myself to sit with my inner critic and my inner child and show them that we aren't completely incapable.

I've a couple of conversations lined up with potential employment opportunities. Not expecting a great deal, but I'll cut myself some slack. Having those conversations is a far cry from where we were at just a couple of weeks and months ago.

Also dealing with estate agents as we are selling our home to downsize. Plenty of house work to tie-off in preparation for visitors.

Hope everybody here is having a positive day.

[NarcKiddo]

It sounds like you are making really good progress, Bert.

I can totally understand the attraction of wanting a job you are possibly overqualified for that is not too taxing and where you don't have to take the stresses of work home with you. That is a fairly easy ambition to "sell" to an employer if you are getting closer to retirement age. But I think you are significantly younger than that so I guess you may need to be prepared to be more open with a potential employer about why you are going for the types of jobs you are. A good manager would absolutely love to have a really capable employee who is happy just to do a good job and is not trying to take over the world. I wish you well in finding the right fit.

[Papa Coco]

Bert,

I resonate with a lot of what you're saying here. I worked in a very high stress job for many decades, and used my off hours to do more stressful stuff like community service and taking college course.

Being busy was better than being depressed. But during my fifties, that all started to unravel. Being "too busy" became being "too stressed" so I started easing back on after-work activities. The job was still very stressful, and it became all I could handle.

At age 60, during the first year of COVID, my employer of 42 years went into financial distress, and cleaned house. I was laid off. I was able to turn the late-in-life layoff to an early retirement.

But that didn't end the stress, it only changed it. To go from being too busy to being discarded was a shock that I almost didn't survive. My own problems were all I had to focus on and I wasn't taking to that too well. I'd hide in bed, or isolate for weeks on end. Lost. Discarded. Terrified of what might come next.

I eventually had to do some radical things to keep myself alive. At the very last thread of my last rope, of my own sanity, I started Ketamine Infusions. I also searched the internet for a good support network. That's how I found this forum. Between this forum and Ketamine, I survived.

Well I'm settling into retirement now and am getting bored. I need to be needed. Like you, I want to find some sort of meaningful work that's not too stressful, but this world is so full of anger and distrust now that I can't think of a job that doesn't have angry customers, greedy narcissistic management, or just plain high stress.

So I'd like to just offer you a fist-bump to say that I feel a bit of what you're describing and I truly want to wish you good luck finding meaningful work that doesn't stress you out. I'm pulling for you.

[Bert]

A little update to my journal.

Narc, Papa, thanks for your words of encouragement. The past week or so have been fairly okay- scratch that, in the scheme of things, things have been very good.

The job hunting aspect is coming along nicely. I seem to be at the deeper end of a conversation which might have me returning to work as a part-time employee (3d/w) for the first 3 months and then full-time after that. It happens that that is mutually beneficial and so I'm waiting to hear back. The hiring manager is a person I worked closely with 4 years ago and established a good professional bond with. A bonus is that they are empathetic-enough to understand my situation (I disclosed a little about what's been going on). Anyhow, I look forward to seeing if this opportunity comes to fruition. If it doesn't that's okay too, I'll continue to take my time looking for the right kind of work opportunity.

I've successfully handled a few minor EFs which previously may have caused me to regress big-time. I think the therapy is really starting to get through. Here's an interesting note... I've worked with a trauma-specialist therapist who is proficient with EMDR and IFS techniques for over 2 years now. And only recently have I felt genuine trust towards her which I think has been a real turning-point.

Our house is going up on the market imminently. My wife and I are both looking forward to nesting in the next place- especially as we're now expecting a child (she's 9 weeks pregnant). I'd have thought this would have really weighed up on me in terms of pressure and more ammunition for my critic to launch attacks about how pathetic I am / unprepared I am. But it's been the opposite actually. Exciting.

Trying not to fall into the habit of kidding myself / portraying over-confidence. I'm completely accepting that challenging moments and triggers will present themselves. But I do feel a bit more robust in handling myself through them.

Hope that my OOTS family are all doing well. 

[Armee]

Congratulations Bert!!!

It'll be a gift to you, your wife, and child for you to have a less stressful career so you can share in the day to day of raising a child and get to enjoy that beautiful bond.

And congrats too on the job hunt amd the promising potential for 3 days a week to full-time.

[NarcKiddo]

What a lovely update. The 3 day week job sounds great so I hope that works out for you. But, like you say, if it doesn't then there will be other things coming along.

And talking of things coming along...congratulations on the pregnancy. 

[blue_sky]

We're so happy for you Bert 
 

[Papa Coco]

BERT!

Things sound so positive. Congrats on the new baby, and it sounds like you're pretty satisfied with the new job prospect.

Also the Therapist you've connected with is a blessing in itself.

I hope to hear more about all the changes and how you're doing with them. I know how those EFs can come on us, even when the changes are positive. Stay in touch with the forum. And enjoy that new baby! Gads, I loved it when my kids were born. Such a special time.

We're here to support each other always!