Bert's Journal

[Bert]

Good morning my friends at OOTS,

I hope you've all been well. Again, it's been a little while since I've posted as things have generally been going well.

The main reason I wanted to write into my journal again is because I'm 3 days into my new role and I am sensing that I need some support to help me with getting myself back into work.

So far, I can't raise any "red flags" with my new job. I've been very much looking forward to getting myself back into work (and this time, in employment as part of a team rather than self employed all on my own). The people seem absolutely fine and I approach this with the mentality of not becoming overly emotionally invested into relationships, etc. To treat work as a means to earn a living and to stimulate myself.

I have joined this team to lead on one of the agency's larger clients. All seems well. It is a large account with many moving parts. And already I'm feeling some slight emotional disregulation as I am probably expecting myself to need to provide value from day 1... It's like I'm uncomfortable in not being able to help immediately (because i don't know anything yet!? Right...). I can feel myself, or should I say, my unreasonable self / critic, wanting to be a hero and to sort everyones troubles out - and that is translating into overwhelm and stress.

Basically... I need to be way more patient to myself and to try not to get disregulated too badly.

Any comments on this would be hugely appreciated.

Hope you're all well!

[GoSlash27]

Bert,
 Good morning!
 I can tell you from decades of personal experience: One of the most frustrating things I've dealt with as a worker is a manager/ supervisor who implements changes before they even know what's going on.This can crash an entire program and increase stress for everyone. People adapted to the existing mode of operation for a reason.
 The best managers always observed first. They asked questions, got a good feel for what the needs/ challenges were, and only *then* acted.

 The best thing you can do for your team is also the best thing you can do for yourself: Resist the urge to jump in and save the day immediately. That's far more likely to do harm than good.

Best wishes,
-Slashy

[Armee]

I hope you can keep posting here and there Bert as I'll be in the same boat in less than a month, returning to the workforce with a reputation that proceeds me as a super performer but needing to keep things manageable and "just a job."

If someone new were coming to my team I'd rather they ask me what tasks I could use help with than have someone new try to solve my problems. So kind of like Goslash27 I'd probably avoid trying to save the day too soon and instead try to be mildly helpful. What can I help you with in the short-term while I learn more about what I can do for the team long-term?

[Bert]

Morning guys,

Thanks Slash and Armee for your insight and advice. I'm completely behind the words you have shared.

Unfortunately, the weekend has been quite tough. I am dealing with very intense emotions and EFs. Of course it's normal to feel overwhelmed in a new job, perhaps a slice of imposter syndrome is expect also. But these feelings are exceptionally triggering. I've shared a few tears and have had to combat a self-deprecating mind over this weekend so far.

Though I have a much better understanding of the condition that I possess, and by extension I'm a little more compassionate and understanding of my behaviours etc - I have to admit I am struggling.

I feel like I'm different... Pre CPTSD diagnosis, to now. I fear that if I can't hold this job down, I really am hopeless, you know?

Perhaps I cannot cope with the stresses of the industry I work in any more. Is my body telling me to change? Or is this a deeper desire to avoid and run away?

PS: Slash, it's nice to make your acquaintance. And Armee, I wish you the very best as you re-enter your working world - I feel proud that you're taking that step!

[Hope67]

Hi Bert,
I just wanted to say that I think it's good that you got through your first week at your new job, and I know you're experiencing some intense emotions and EFs over the weekend, but I hope that you are managing today - and that you are ok. 

I think it's good that you're more compassionate towards yourself.

Take care, and wishing you the best for today and tomorrow.  I hope it goes ok, and maybe better than you anticipate even.

Hope 

[Bert]

Good morning OOTs,

Thank you for the kind words Hope, it means a lot. I hope you're doing well 

I've something quite important to say. I decided to resign. I've decided that I need align my career goals to more of who I really am. Despite the work I had done, and the excitement I felt on Day 1 of this new job, from Day 2 onwards I could feel myself slipping into the pits of despair, loss, and all-round miserable-ness. I think I've realised that this industry that I've contributed to for the past 8 years has been a product of my CPTSD. A coping mechanism if you will. The nature of the work in this career (advertising/marketing agency) is never-ending deadlines of utmost importance and with no "thank you's" or smiles along the way. Effectively, it's like me pandering endlessly and frantically to my abusive M & F and not knowing what or how I can help them or get a sense of positive feedback.

I've been far more in touch with mySelf over the past 3-6 months as I had to take a break from work, and have learned how deeply I care for people, I care about their smiles and joy, I like to enrich peoples lives and as I'm sat behind my laptop in my "new job" (that's the same old heartless and joyless graft) - I can feel my inner parts screaming "what are you doing?".

I resigned yesterday, incredibly respectfully and explained that I now know that I need to change career and align it to my values. They took it... meh. It doesn't help that the primary resource on the account I was going to lead had also resigned that day... (red flag right).

Regardless, my EFs and inner world are back at peace knowing that I'm on their side. That I'm listening to them, and they do not want us to carry on in this line of work.

What I do next? I'm unsure... But I'm not terrified. I've a few ideas... I could set-up a dog walking / dog-sitting service in my neighbourhood, I've an idea to consider being a luxury car salesmen, perhaps an estate agent? I've a bit of searching around to do. But I kind of feel like this is absolutely what I need to do. An element of "lightness" about my body.

My fear of course, is I'm giving in to avoidance. I don't know... I don't know how to discern what is what with this, but I kind of know that I can't continue as how I was before. My body simply refuses it (and boy does it get in a very bad way, quickly).

Have any of you guys experienced something similar? Let me know.

Love to you all

[Armee]

 

Way to go listening to yourself!

I'm really proud of you Bert.

May I suggest only for consideration...

There are ways to put your current set of skills to good use helping people, too. For example in the US at least there's the ad council and they do advertisements for the greater good...public health etc. Or if you are willing to deal with bureaucracy...government agencies...you could find one who's mission aligns with your values and help with communications, social media, etc. For example I worked in a federal agency and we were always trying to design what we called "public outreach" to get out info on how to protect yourself and family from things like wildfire smoke. Greater good. BUT we were all scientists and engineers and had no idea how to market things. Just a thought. There are state, county, city, federal agencies who could use your skills. I don't know if you are in the US but there are agencies who focus on mental health for instance. All I'm saying is your skill set can actually help people if you wanted to keep using it. Government can be frustrating but rewarding and the worklife balance is good too. Just an idea. Dog walking also sounds really nice.