Healing journal (tw) Angering / strong emotions

[StartingHealing]

July 3 2024

Really been considering so many things at the moment.  It seems like recently that as the scales have started to fall off my eyes in regards to so many things, kind of like the whole stack of propaganda has started to fall away when one of the supporting legs got kicked out from under it, I'm seeing more things, kinda like, the Randy Roddy Piper movie They Live, (good movie) and that has me on my hind foot a little bit.   The concept that to take appropriate action one much first know what the reality is.   I did ask to know.  Can't complain if I asked for it.  I reckon that since the former spouse was able to pull the wool over my eyes and then once that got corrected, it seems like it's ongoing.

Don't know where or when this process will stop.  At the moment I don't know if I want it to stop actually. 

Wishing all the brave souls here, all the best.

[StartingHealing]

7-9-2024

Last few days have been a bit weird for me.  Feels like a bit of cotton or perhaps it's that me thinking meat is reorganization.  Could be that something blew in and the immune system is engaged in it's purpose.  I've been reminded of late that in many ways I am blessed.  Lots of folks have gone through so much more extreme circumstances than I.  Sometimes I wonder what is the purpose behind it all.  Physically I was taken care of.  Emotionally? Mentally?  Not so much.  There were singular people that came along that did / was enough that I didn't go down the route of self deletion. 

Have not really revisited that in quite a while.  Was such a dark period.  The anger I had at the time was the fuel that kept me breathing, kept me moving.  I figured that as long as I was breathing, them ba5tards hadn't won. 

The logic of a teenager.  It worked.  I'm still here.  Still breathing.

Ever wonder where that drive to just keep breathing, just keep moving, even when it would be so much easier to stop. quit. give up. 

Anyways, have other stuff to do.

wishing all here, all the best.

[Papa Coco]

SH,

I feel you. That dark place is always there, hiding in the shadows. I've been there many times, and probably will be there again soon, especially as Holiday Season approaches in a couple of months.

If I can offer anything, it's friendship. Here on the forum. Nice, safe, anonymous friendship from someone who often feels similar things to what you're feeling.

I think Jung, or someone in the past, called this darkness our "shadow self." I have one too. I know how hopeless it can feel while visiting that shadow self.

When you say, however, that you feel like you haven't suffered as much as others, I feel that so often myself. For me, it comes down to this: Suffering is suffering. It doesn't matter what caused it. Two people in an ER waiting room, both suffering with broken femers in their legs. One broke their femer by saving a hundred puppies from a burning vet hospital. The other person broke their femer by falling while dancing drunk at a party. Which leg hurts the most?  Answer: Same break, same pain, same need for the same medical treatment.

The following is something I talk about a lot because I have suffered so many times by not feeling like I hae the right to complain about my trauma disorders: I'll say it again here

I had a former friend who got PTSD from being a soldier in Desert Storm. I got C-PTSD from being abused and neglected as a child and young adult. He never tried to end his own life, but I've been rescued from ending my own life 3 or 4 times now. When I told him that I had a trauma disorder, he very quickly responded, "My war buddies and I have NO respect for people like you who say you have trauma disorders when you didn't see what we saw."  That friendship ended that day, but the response it triggered in me went on for weeks, as I felt so ashamed of myself for having PTSD without having been on a battlefield.  It took a long time for me to say, "Screw it. I have PTSD whether I got it serving my country or being CSA'd at church and unsupported at home. I have it. It's real. I have since learned to not compare my story with others because it only makes me feel like I don't deserve to have C-PTSD. No matter what happened to any of us, we all ended up here, with eerily similar triggers and reactions. I respect absolutely everyone for what we've all been through. I know you do too. Your posts are always very kind and compassionate. You get it too. If I can offer any kindness today, it's that I respect your PTSD as much as everyone else's.

StartingHealing, you are a good person, and I am truly grateful to have you here supporting others and allowing others to support you.

We're stronger together.

PC.

[AphoticAtramentous]

Lots of folks have gone through so much more extreme circumstances than I.  Sometimes I wonder what is the purpose behind it all.  Physically I was taken care of.  Emotionally? Mentally?  Not so much.  There were singular people that came along that did / was enough that I didn't go down the route of self deletion. 

When you say, however, that you feel like you haven't suffered as much as others, I feel that so often myself. For me, it comes down to this: Suffering is suffering. It doesn't matter what caused it. Two people in an ER waiting room, both suffering with broken femers in their legs. One broke their femer by saving a hundred puppies from a burning vet hospital. The other person broke their femer by falling while dancing drunk at a party. Which leg hurts the most?  Answer: Same break, same pain, same need for the same medical treatment.

Just adding on to this: everyone has different tolerances for pain, injury, and stress. Often times it is not something that can be controlled. It depends on so many factors, such as our age, what external support we have or lack, the stress we already hold, etc. Imagine a 5 year old who comes across a territorial barking dog, compared to a 24 year old. For the 24 year old, it's nothing but a barking dog. But for the 5 year old, that event alone can be quite stressful and scary, especially if nobody is around to comfort them.

Trauma is SO much more complex than just what type of abuse one went through. I know many folks presume that physical or sexual abuse to be the worst kind, but I've heard stories from those who have experienced all kinds of abuse, and some actually reckon that the emotional abuse was the worst for them. And that is something I think I can relate to as well. Objectively it is incomparable. It really comes down to the individual and how their brain responded. All types of stress and trauma should be treated seriously.

Have not really revisited that in quite a while.  Was such a dark period.  The anger I had at the time was the fuel that kept me breathing, kept me moving.  I figured that as long as I was breathing, them ba5tards hadn't won. 

The logic of a teenager.  It worked.  I'm still here.  Still breathing.

Ever wonder where that drive to just keep breathing, just keep moving, even when it would be so much easier to stop. quit. give up. 

I certainly can't judge that logic, especially since it worked! Life always feels so incredibly daunting, this immovable mountain that we dread to climb. But don't forget the breaks we must allow ourselves in between the steps we take. Life isn't a race. You can allow yourself a moment to sit down sometimes, not give up necessarily, but just give yourself time to catch your breath.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[StartingHealing]

Papa Coco,   July 11 2024

Thank you for your kind words. Thank you for considering me a friend.  that does mean a great deal. 

If memory serves, the shadow is all that wasn't acceptable.  Maybe I'm re-acquainting me with me.  You know?
 
You know been thinking about how much to I "owe" this society that I find myself in.  Interesting question, kind of an oblique vector to take but the answers are very illuminating.

Funny how memory serves up snippets of this and that.  Course with the entire reorganization of the thinking meat during adolescence, not to mention all the learning that happens.  I remember certain things, like crystal.  Others dim, murky.

 I remember not being afraid of the dark, I liked the dark, the stillness, being out of sight of that "god" who only judges, how all the other senses turned up to 12 to make up for the loss in vision. Felt like the next level of aliveness.  If that makes any sense.  Then, I think, I was convinced otherwise.  As a wee one I was fearless.  Absolutely fearless of anything physical.  Many a time, sick with the flu or whatever, roll out of bed, couldn't walk, belly crawl to the bathroom.  Like he77 I was going to have a mess in / around the bed. 

Multiple causes that results in the same f-ed up destination.  Mercy sakes this is a club nobody should be in.  Known many folks with the 1000 yard stare. The ones that were vets would always ask was if I served.  As they say "don't shake the net", never did, figured that attempting to savvy and just be "there" at the moment was something.  Maybe that's from Dad, a brother, a cousin, a grandpappy, who served.  Sometimes, I'd buy them a coffee and just sit with them.  Drinking coffee.  No conversation needed. 

PC I figured that adding to someone's load isn't a good thing.  I mean, same boat and all.  Right? 

Wishing you and yours all the best.  Go enjoy your grandkids, ok? You deserve it.

[StartingHealing]

AphoticAtramentous,

Interesting screen name. 

Just adding on to this: everyone has different tolerances for pain, injury, and stress. Often times it is not something that can be controlled. It depends on so many factors, such as our age, what external support we have or lack, the stress we already hold, etc. Imagine a 5 year old who comes across a territorial barking dog, compared to a 24 year old. For the 24 year old, it's nothing but a barking dog. But for the 5 year old, that event alone can be quite stressful and scary, especially if nobody is around to comfort them.

Very true.  as a wee one, recently hatched, annndddd no more mother was around. Unknown if I was with same care-giver till I was placed at 9 months or not.  Closed adoption.  It counts. 

Trauma is SO much more complex than just what type of abuse one went through. I know many folks presume that physical or sexual abuse to be the worst kind, but I've heard stories from those who have experienced all kinds of abuse, and some actually reckon that the emotional abuse was the worst for them. And that is something I think I can relate to as well. Objectively it is incomparable. It really comes down to the individual and how their brain responded. All types of stress and trauma should be treated seriously. 

Generally speaking, most folks that went through adoption, trauma.  The survival fear, you know?  As a wee one, how in the blazes is a baby is supposed to deal with that? 

I certainly can't judge that logic, especially since it worked! Life always feels so incredibly daunting, this immovable mountain that we dread to climb. But don't forget the breaks we must allow ourselves in between the steps we take. Life isn't a race. You can allow yourself a moment to sit down sometimes, not give up necessarily, but just give yourself time to catch your breath.

I've rested off an on through my life.  I'm currently healing.  The hobbies are currently more than enough along with being in uni.

Wishing you all the best

[StartingHealing]

7-15-2024

The question circled back around again.  What do I owe to "society"?  Does "society" owe me?

What is "society" anyway?  the definition goes like this "the community of people living in a particular country or region and having shared customs, laws, and organizations".

 So what is community?  the definition is "Social unit of human organisms who share common values".

A Social unit is : a unit (such as an individual, a family, or a group) of a society." 

I'm struck by how circular the reasoning is.  Am I missing something here?  Maybe it will make sense after a dram or 3.  Yeesh. 

Could be wrong here, but isn't there supposed to be a fair exchange between the singular person and society (multiple people)?  What happens when that is no longer the case?  When the {I use this term loosely} benefits don't match the contribution to society?  I'm a dude so getting the short end of the stick is what I grew up with. 

Now though... feels like I'm expected to keep on keeping on so I can be a good little replaceable carbon based revenue unit. 

I'm not anti-social.  Just picky on who I allow into the inner circle.  I don't have ill will towards other people, the person is smart and decent, generally speaking.  Get a group of them together though it's a different ball of wax. 

Then again I've always felt like a stranger in a strange land.  Lot's of things I don't grep. 

Hopefully soon, I'll come to a conclusion on how reciprocal it actually is twixt me and society.

Wishing all the brave souls here, all the best

[StartingHealing]

July 22 2024

Home after the shift and fussing with the post office.  Today wasn't "bad".  Was some good stuff in it as well.  Created an account with them to have the informed delivery.  They scan all mail anyway so it's not like it's a "thing" that cost untold millions to implement.   I do the pen pal thing in IRL.  Actual snail mail letters.  I do have to say my longhand is better now then it was as a child.  Have a few international pen pals and the informed delivery thing indicated that a letter came in from one of my international pen pals on Sat.  Wasn't there on Sat.  Figured that maybe the place that scans stuff is at a sorting center not the local post office.  Checked today.  Still not there.  Sigh.  Waited in line to talk to a clerk.  Take a guess how that went.  You only get 1 chance though. 

With the differing mail processes in various places.. Sometimes it will take 6 weeks (one way) or longer to have letters get to where they need to go.  Is frustrating because it's a letter from a pen friend that I hadn't heard from in a long while. 

Before I logged in here, hit the "dashboard" for mail and in little bitty letters at the bottom of the page under each image there is a check box and the text "I didn't receive this" 

I really don't know what is happening with USPS.  All I can say is after all the "modernization" it's not what it once was. I remember when the post master of a post office like "knew" what was going on. The clerks same thing.  Now? ... (razz-berries)

I know it's a minor thing.  It just hit weird.  You know?

Wishing all here all the best

[StartingHealing]

7-23-2024

The clarity I'm seeking isn't here yet.  I wonder if my expectation of clarity on the reciprocity of the current social contract that I'm currently aware of is a bridge to far right now.  I really don't know at the moment.  I don't think that I have rose colored glasses on concerning the past.  It's possible.  Yet, the feeling? the splinter in the mind, that it's not balanced persists.

I've let it lie for now with the idea that perhaps one day the clarity will come.

Wishing you all the best.

[Hope67]

Hi StartingHealing,
Clarity is a difficult thing to find, I think.  But I very much hope that you are able to experience clarity one day, as you hope you will.

I have also noticed that snail mail seems to be taking longer than it used to do.  It's frustrating when you're waiting for something - I hope that you get your mail from your pen-pals soon.

Hope 

[StartingHealing]

07-24-2024

Hope67,
The letter showed yesterday .  It's really cool since the letter is from S.E. Asia.  Depending on where the mail is going / coming from, there has been "issues" with various sorting centers.

The clarity may come.  It may not.  It's one of those things.  So much has become clear yet there appears that there is so much more to come into focus. 

Some of what has gotten into focus is the chinks in my armor that the loose cannon was able to exploit.  Also, the MO of loose cannon. There has been some very interesting nuggets from a FB group of BPD abuse survivors.

Some insights have been coming about the reality that exists on the ground in the country in which I currently reside.  That has been brutal in all honesty. So much smoke and mirrors.  One has to wonder who is profiting from the continued propaganda ...

Wishing all here all the best.

[StartingHealing]

27 July 2024

I believe that I'm well on my way to complete indifference to the former spouse.  Am still in process of cleaning up digital archives, and cleaning up the email accounts that I had used for the legal proceedings and I was able to get through the email accounts, saving certain items on a dedicated external hard drives {This is more for a just in case of future foolishness on the former spouses part.} deleting the emails, and also being able to go through more pictures and de-duplicating them and deleting certain ones as well.  No lie the heart rate did go up a little but I didn't go full triggered in both occurrences.  Didn't need a dram, didn't need chocolate, didn't need to overeat {still re-learning body sensations related to that} didn't need ______ after.  A few belly breaths and I was good. 

Yay me!    It will be glorious indeed when that day comes where I can truthfully state: " oh her?  yeah she's someone I used to know"

Wishing all here, all the best

[StartingHealing]

29 July 2024

Over the weekend I re-read the majority of the posts I had done on a forum for folks that are / were dealing with people with personality disorders.  In various capacities. Family, co-worker, SO, etc.  Wasn't like I had intended to do it.  One of those things that just happened. 

I really need to come up with a non cursing way to make an exclamatory statement...

It was surreal.  So surreal that I double checked to see if that account hadn't gotten cracked.  I remember posting on that forum, being emotionally wound tighter than a 2$ watch, and then while reading the words that I had put there, punch! right in the solar plexus.

Mercy, it was like a totally different person had written them.  The pain, the hurt, the seeking, the hunting for an answer, the slow realization that he/me was a typical human in regards to love, respect, reciprocity and the supposed life partner was nowhere near that. 

What I read also ties into some old journals that I found while cleaning out a storage box.  A pair of Mead 5 subject notebooks.  One circa 2012, and one circa 2015. I glanced through them and the same surreal feelings. There will be a pyre for those in the near future.  The pain, the hurt, the seeking, the hunting for an answer, seeking solace in spirituality, the doubts that how could it all be his fault? The cycle of it all that kept repeating, over and over.  Like a nightmare Ground Hog day (the movie) where when it reset, it kept increasingly became worse and worse over time.

Then the me now, recognizing on reflection how far back the abuse went.  The questioning of why so long until the going separate ways. There were exit points from the relationship prior to the one that was taken.  What the he77 was going on in my thinking meat to have not taken them? 

Would I like to have an SO?  That could be a good thing.  At the same time though I'm not looking.  I could go deep into the risks / rewards calculations, however, sufficient to say that the current situation I see in the dating market at this time, the math don't math. Not even on a casual basis.  Maybe one day in the future, in a different locale that has a different culture.

Need to go do other things. 

Wishing all here all the best.

 

[Hope67]

Hi StartingHealing,
I related to what you said about it feeling surreal to re-read things you'd written - i.e. I have felt that way when re-reading things that I've written too. 

I am happy to hear that your letter from S.E. Asia arrived - that is cool.   

Hope 

[rainydiary]

StartingHealing, I also resonate with re-reading old things and noticing a difference.