Healing journal (tw) Angering / strong emotions

[StartingHealing]

Hope67,

It really is cool.  I'm digging the snail mail pen pal thing.  It sure is a trip to read things I wrote in the past.    Hard to maintain that I was doing the best that I could at the time.  Now, holy %hit, the naivete, the blindness to the manipulations (all forms) that the former spouse was running, (insert favorite cussing phrase here).  You know? 

I know that my pendulum has swung really hard one way, yet at the same time, if a person believes the statistics, I think it's warranted because there are more of those running loose in society!  I've had more than enough of all that BS.  Soooooo, best defense is to not be there. 

rainydiary,

Seriously, what a mind job, you know?   

[StartingHealing]

1 Aug 2024

Where the did the year go?  Man, time flies. 

Over the last few days I have obtained more clarity on the reciprocity twixt me and "society" and there are some bitter pills there.  Nah, I'd rather objectively know what the real situation is even if it breaks prior assumptions that I've had than to be walking around with rose colored glasses on. 

Listened to a lot of podcasts and there was one where the idea that a country could also be abusive was floated out there along with the why are you staying in the country where you were born?  The combo really struck me. If I'm in a abusive relationship with the country / state, why am I staying in it?  How much of what I believe isn't based on objective facts but rather the propaganda that I was force fed as a child?

Taking the rhetoric out of it, what are the actual behaviors not of the front line individual that is the interface for the national / state government through it's tentacles that have grown till it's almost 1/2 of the GDP?   How much of what I do on the daily is done because it's codes of behavior that are enforced with the threat of deadly force?  Whether that force is physical or financial?   

Why is the idea that there might be a place somewhere in the world that would treat me better seemingly so foreign?  What is the malfunction in the logic? 

I don't mind paying for things via taxes.  The stick in my craw is that I have no say in where those monies go after they are collected from me via the threat of deadly force.  That there is a bureaucratic system that has no oversight, that has no responsibility to the citizens, that can make decisions arbitrarily and can completely fubar me.  One would think that it would be a good idea for a government to be for the safety and welfare of it's citizens, yet looking at the results, I've concluded that isn't the case.

Plus, to me it seems to be a bully not only internationally but also domestically.  I've never liked bullies.

I'm not blaming the individuals, however, after experiencing several take overs where I work, I think that just like company culture which is those unwritten rules of conduct that permeates, there is the same process in the bureaucracy. 

I don't know at the moment where all this will lead me.  I mean I'm a contributing member of society, I'm putting in more than I'm using, yet I'm the reviled replaceable carbon based revenue unit?  *.  I need to start considering what it would take for me to go to where I'm treated better. 

Wishing all here all the best. 

[StartingHealing]

4th Aug 2024

Thoughts on things:

As the scales have fallen off my eyes, I'm seeing more and more propaganda that has been intentionally embedded into the environment in which I currently live. That rubs my rhubarb the wrong way. 

Is the change of locale and being exposed to different cultures and environments is the trigger for the personal growth that traveling internationally provides?

Here is a question, is it a conspiracy if certain groups are out to manipulate you into a particular point of view?  If certain groups are actively pumping out propaganda to influence the people in the society in which I live, which is a historical fact, is that now a conspiracy? There is a certain 3 letter agency that has admitted to certain activities in the realms of not only propaganda but also in the support of certain ideologies that have proven very damaging to the very population that supposedly their mission was to protect.  Make that make sense please.

What about the proven censorship on the majority of social media platforms?  Isn't that a type of control mechanism on the free exchange of ideas?  Facts? Perspectives? I am not talking about pathological discourse obviously.  Yet simple basic facts are not only hotly debated, many times the discussion gets censored because it doesn't follow the agenda of the month. 

If a person decides to follow a path of action that isn't endorsed by the powers that be, and mentions it on any of the current typical social media platforms, then those people who have chosen that path are publicly demonized and shamed by the converts that have drank the kool-aid.  The question becomes why the fervor?  Why the extreme reactions from certain quarters?

 I do not know if using mind virus is a good way of describing it, or if there is another term that would be a better descriptor.  NPC's?  Brainwashed?  Is a puzzle.    Considering that words no matter the form mean something.  That they are not small mouth sounds used to fill the audio space.  Written symbols that is called writing, both audio and visual symbols, those mean something, there is expression of intent, emotion, thinking, yet to me it seems that this, what is taken for granted, has been weaponized against me in an attempt to manipulate me into taking actions that are ultimately not in my own self best interest that somewhere, somehow, another entity or group benefits from it. 

Perhaps I'm developing an adversarial mind set.  The type that doesn't accept XYZ at face value. I've done that before and have paid a heavy price in time, failure, soul wounds.  Stick a fork in me, because I'm done.  One size does not fit all when it comes to mental, emotional, spiritual health.  The idea that a one size fits all is also a control.  Viewed from the vantage of biology, the wiring is different.  How can an approach for one set of wiring be successful with a different set?   

Wishing all here all the best.

[rainydiary]

StartingHealing, I am resonating with you on how I can't believe it is August.  This year has felt exceptionally fast to me.

I also relate to questioning and feeling a lot of things about things we are told in a culture/society versus the reality of it.  I also feel like I am becoming more agitated about that.

[StartingHealing]

StartingHealing, I am resonating with you on how I can't believe it is August.  This year has felt exceptionally fast to me.

I also relate to questioning and feeling a lot of things about things we are told in a culture/society versus the reality of it.  I also feel like I am becoming more agitated about that.

rainydiary,

I don't know for certain however it seems to me that as we do the work on healing, we work our way out of the mind jobs we were subject to.  With that comes a more objective view of not only ourselves but also of the environment in which we live.  Plus, as we heal, we have more energy to notice things and our brain is re-wiring along with it.  Developing boundaries, and the being protective of same plays into it as well.

As I have worked on myself, and found the areas in me that were chinks in my armor that the former spouse { definitely has a personality disorder } was able to use as a threat vector to manipulate me not only at the beginning, then the patterns of her abusive behavior, and how she manipulated me to a point where I let it continue leading to 25 years of the worse h377 I've ever been through.  I will die on the hill of "never again" no person, organization, whatever, I refuse.  there are things that I do that I do because I am currently forced to because of the threat of lethal force from certain powers that be.  Usually associated with either state or national bureaucratic organizations.  However, with having an objective assessment of the reality I find myself in, now I can plan accordingly. 

To that end I have canceled streaming services, put in ad blockers on browsers, got extremely picky on what I do watch / read, considering employing a vpn,  have started to look into options I have regarding financial matters and along with that possibilities of not remaining in country.  Not well heeled as it were, yet there has got to be something I can do to be able to go to a place where I'm treated best.  The trends that I am aware of, highly unlikely that they will stop or reverse course, unless something really bad happens.  To many entitled ideologs spouting nonsense at the top of their lungs, trying to increase the numbers of their particular cult.

Wishing you all the best

[StartingHealing]

Aug 16 2024

Ohhh, the spiral turns again.  Peeling another layer off. Less hurt this time.  More anger.  Feeling that I have been manipulated into getting the short end of the stick on so many areas.  This feeling has also grown to encompass the financial system of the country in which I live.  How can they un-print all the money that they created out of nothing?  Also trying to get a rough idea on my path forward trying to get an idea of which direction to go. 

Wishing here all the best.

[Hope67]

as we heal, we have more energy to notice things and our brain is re-wiring along with it.  Developing boundaries, and the being protective of same plays into it as well.


[/quote]

I related to what you wrote here, StartingHealing - I've also noticed this since beginning to re-wire my brain. 

Sending you support as you peel off layers and experience more of your feelings.  Wishing you support with this.

Hope 

(I was attempting to quote you - but think I missed out the right thing to do it properly - sorry!)

[StartingHealing]

Thank you Hope.  Appreciate it.

Another day, a nice gentle rain happened overnight, cleared the air, the leaves are somehow a more vibrate green when walking the doggo this AM.  The cycle of weather continues, I hope that this is a indication of how this monsoon season will go.  Need the rain, getting it slowly is good, softening the ground, allowing the water to soak in, instead of sealing off and having floods. 

Anger, frustration is running high, memories of 5hit skipping through the mental landscape, sub-routines seeking commonalities, pattern pattern where is the pattern, changing the pattern I must for never again, never again.  That hill that I have planted my flag on and will die defending.

Then I have found out that my personally identifying information has been compromised in the NPD data breach.  Judas.  I'm putting the link to the site where people can check here:  https://npd.pentester.com/  For those who see this, please pass it along.  Take the steps needed to protect yourself. 

Fer f-cks sake.

Sigh

Wishing all here, all the best.

[StartingHealing]

20 Aug 2024

Last couple of days been .. good and yet at same time, meh.  Work, school, walk doggo, from my own perspective it's soooo much better than when I was dealing with the abuse streaming from a person with BPD +.  I think there is a + because of her genetic history.  I get that she has her own version of he77 that she's living through.  That still don't excuse the vile actions that she did all the while saying that she not only loved me but was in love with me.  More manipulation.  Anger rolling under the surface at the moment.  Another layer of it.  Pretty certain there will also be a layer of hurt under the layer of anger.

Lots of thoughts zipping around. The big thing I think is being "stuck".  That feeling of stuckness.  Clarity of steps to take ... not there yet.  Got some mind map apps installed, need to start messing with them.  Find the one that is the simplest to use, maybe that's not it either.  I wonder if there is a 3d type of application... Tried hand drawing things out, didn't go to good. 

Debating on going on a rant.. Maybe I need to go touch grass more than just walking my doggo every day.  Maybe I should attempt to find some sort of video entertainment to watch.  Will say that currently, hyper aware of manipulation / persuasion embedded into a lot of the environment which I find myself in. 

Blagh, not getting no traction at the moment.

Wishing all here, all the best.

[AphoticAtramentous]

Another day, a nice gentle rain happened overnight, cleared the air, the leaves are somehow a more vibrate green when walking the doggo this AM.  The cycle of weather continues, I hope that this is a indication of how this monsoon season will go.  Need the rain, getting it slowly is good, softening the ground, allowing the water to soak in, instead of sealing off and having floods.

That gentle kind of rain is soo nice, I absolutely love the smell of the grass and trees after a rain like that. And yes, like a lot of things, having a balance is important - water to keep the plants happy and fed, but not so much that they drown in the soil.

I get that she has her own version of he77 that she's living through.  That still don't excuse the vile actions that she did...

Hear, hear.

Sending you well wishes in return, StartingHealing.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[StartingHealing]

AphoticAtramentous
Indeed, the smells after a rain are wonderful.  Where I am currently, the soil has a lot of clay in it which is good for water retention if the rain falls gently.  If the rain falls hard and fast the clay seals off and floods result.  I'm thinking that living for a while in a place with more water generally speaking would be a good thing for me.  Have always had a 'thing' for seashores.  Which is weird because I was land locked growing up. And I have a density issue.  I don't float, even in sea water.  Makes things... interesting. 

Me wetware has been bringing forth memories of things past, unrelated except for the emotional content, the sticky icky thread that connects these ghosts of the past.  Realized even more chinks in the armor that was exploited.  Hm, thought occurred, if "typical" people that are on their square can get snookered into the BPD he77 relationship, and spend years there, then what does that imply about me?  I know I had {stuff} from the circumstances around my formative years, which perhaps allowed a greater attack surface and yet, here are these "typical" folks going through the same 5hit?  Perhaps I'm not as jacked up as I have been led to believe.  Another area I have considered is that at the point where I came to the realization that the former had BPD, there was co-dependent traits I had.  the question is now did I have those traits prior to the relationship or did they develop due to the conditions I was in as a attempt at maintaining the relationship? 

Generally speaking, I'm a independent cuss. Family members opinions never really had a impact on me as a child.  However, I can see that with the love bombing / glamour at the beginning of the relationship that opened up a vector that she exploited.  Even at the point of her attempting to refresh the love bombing.. like when i had the flu, There was also something inside that had me looking askance at it because somehow I could tell that it wasn't "real" that it was something that would then be used against me. 

Hm.. much to consider.

Wishing all the brave souls here, all the best

[StartingHealing]

Quick note..

languaging and how humans use symbology as a map to the real and confuse the map as the real.  As the quote goes "the word isn't the thing".   How much does this contribute to what I've been through / am going through?

[StartingHealing]

25 Aug 2024

I think that as a general rule I store emotions in my back and shoulders.  Considering the amount of crapola that I've been through, no surprise that as I am healing up they be a hurtin'.  Hurting at times where silent tears do fall occasionally. Also not lost on me is the allegory.. Hurting back, getting stabbed in the back, betrayal.  That's a pretty good shorthand for what happened relationship wise with the former spouse, 1st mother, 2cd mother, (she was desirous that I turn my back on my true nature)   

I think that perhaps after the degree is obtained I'll do some micro-dosing or perhaps a heroic dose. Kick neurogenesis - neuroregeneration into gear and obtain some re-formatting.  That is the basic idea of why humans lose a lot of childhood memories because the neural nets get disrupted. Then the question, the d-mnable question of who I am without _________________?  For me lots of identity built on the events that I have been through and the labels of such events.  If the memories of these events become disrupted, who am I?  Or with the help of the plant teachers if I see myself from a different perspective? Hm, perhaps micro-dosing would be of benefit now?   

The word isn't the thing.  Pinging across my mental screen.  The word isn't the thing. Perhaps this is the same quandary others have fallen into. I have chased word definitions until ultimately they come back to the original word. Ahh english. Even among languages of the world it's jacked up.  How many words sound the same?  Yet have different meanings? morning vs mourning.  Which meaning gets transmitted? The former or the latter? 

Language use impacts me.  there was a time where I repeated to myself that I am a survivor, multiple times a day, for I think it was two months or more, that did bring me into a survivor mind set.  Lots more confidence in self and abilities.  Lots more trust in self. How to go from survivor to a$$ kicker? (chuckle) Perhaps not those words exactly       

Am doing something different to forestall the doing the same thing but expect different results besides uni.  I hope that what I am doing at one point could be turned into a book, 1st of a series, that I can self publish for extra coin.  Draw upon the thousands upon thousands of books that I read.  Was usual for me to go through 3 -4 books a week, every week. By 4th grade I had read every book in the school library.  Usually was reading them concurrently. the book for the bus ride to school, the book for the bus ride home, the book for after homework, the book for the weekends, the book for when the family was watching t.v. usually in the 300 - 500 page range. 

Other things need attention.  Ending for now.

Wishing all the brave souls here, all the best.
 

[StartingHealing]

27 Aug 2024

Had an interesting experience last night that showed me a few things.  the restaurant where my daughter works comped her a birthday dinner which after discussion she decided on doing last night since today is one of her days off work. Since I have vacation days to burn I took today off as well figuring that would be a good thing since the usual sleep schedule would be knocked cattywampus. 

 I had never been there before, and it was in a part of town that I usually don't go to.  then the dining was a experience as well.  Fantastic food, cocktails that were really really good (included in the comp), wait staff attentive without being hovering, really a good experience all round. Not used to that level of fine dining at all. Not to mention that the staff knew my daughter and it was such a relief? to see how much the other employees cared for and liked her. As 'dad' that really was a good thing to witness. 

 The nervousness? anxiety? some d-mn thing like that was trying to have me get all worked up over what ultimately turned out to be very small things.  First was the dress code which I don't have much in the way of business casual to formal attire.  What I did wear turned out to be sufficient. Was able to pull off a golf look.  The GPS guidance was funky.. ended up parking in a spot that I had to walk to the restaurant(less than 5 minutes), and the terrain wasn't updated in the GPS mapping on my mobile.  Come to find out that the complex in which the restaurant is located has it's own parking and to access it you have to turn in a driveway that the only sign is for valet service.  Yeesh. Trying to remember where I parked and the landmarks I passed going to the place and then retracing my steps (had gifts in the trunk of my car for my kiddo) didn't pin where I parked in the map / gps app in my mobile.. yeah

Was in a heightened state from leaving my casa to the time that I returned some 5 - 5.5 hours later.  Being at a heightened state in expectation of good things is a usual thing right?   It took a couple more hours after getting back until my back unknotted to a point where I could go to sleep. Muscles were so tight that stretches etc barely made a dent.  Had to wait it out.  Objectively speaking retroactively there wasn't anything about last night that was such to elicit such a response.  I don't know what the f.  I don't at the moment.  I remember pre former spouse that experiences like that.. Going to a new place, different food, picking a road to just see where it went,  all of that I relished.  It was fun for me.  Now?  I don't know if subconsciously the threat detection sub-routine was cranking in high gear, or if there were some sort of expectations I put on myself, or what. 

It was a great experience overall.  I'm saddened that I couldn't settle into the moment and have enjoyed it more.  Maybe my responses are typical for what I've been through in regards of the events I've been through and where I'm at in my healing journey. 

Wishing all here, all the best.

[AphoticAtramentous]

Hey StartingHealing, how unfortunate it is that our anxieties aim to tarnish these experiences. I hope that maybe with enough recognition of "Hey, I was so worried about X and Y, but X and Y were actually fine!" we might learn to relax for future occasions. I suppose that's the thing about a lot of new experiences, they're unknown and that unknown is what makes us go into assuming the worst. But for every experience we endure, we build up our own mental tolerance. So I want to commend that you went there in the first place and encouraged that experience.

I'm glad the dining experience was pleasant though.

Wishing you well in turn.

Regards,
Aphotic.