Healing journal (tw) Angering / strong emotions

[StartingHealing]

Aphotic,

Thank you for the kind words. IDK it wasn't that at least consciously I was expecting the worse. It was ... a weird a$$ mix of an expectation (don't want to be late) knowing that I'm capable.  I mean the things I have pulled off / survived is actually stunning when I think about it.  Some situations, totally on me.  Others, wasn't on me at all.  More of the adults did certain actions and I was caught in the consequences.

 Been wondering about the 'as the tree grows'.  It makes sense to a certain point but it also ignores that inner something that most things have that pushes healing and wholeness.  Yes, scars are part and parcel and the scars to me are the lessons learned from going through those experiences. 

 I'm starting to consider that perhaps there is a tie in to something back in childhood with 'getting lost / care giver lost me'.  This is all conjecture on my part because from birth till 9 months old is a black hole of info.  Feeling wise, momma was 'lost'.  I know that in the long term arc of my history I obviously survived, yet communicating that to the preverbal aspect of self, how is that accomplished? 

I wonder if due to the former spouses consistent expression of her madness if all of that got twisted round into something that I'm dealing with today. I suspect that it is actually that.

I think I need to start cultivating contacts for certain plant teachers.  I also need to start digging in and finding a informed hypnotherapist.  Not interested in past lives (yes that is possible with hypnotherapy) more interested if that inner something can be reached and triggered? negotiated with? to release healing at all levels.  Multiple rituals going to be happening here. 

 
Wishing all here, all the best

[StartingHealing]

Sept 3, 2024

Been wondering about a lot of different things of late.  The 'past' is one of them.  Where is what of the 'past' that has such a hold on me?  Worse than a gator with lock jaw.  Is it the emotional charge that maintains it?  Where are memories stored anyhow?  Are memories only a pattern of brain neurons firing together?  Are they stored in the body in some manner?  Or are they stuck somewhere else because consciousness is a non-local phenomenon as being suggested by them quantum physics folks? or is it D. All the above?

Could it also be the point of view in which the memories are viewed that maintains the emotional charge?  I have read up on hypnosis and one way that a hypnotherapist helps drain the emotional charge is to suggest that the color of that snap shot of the past drains away, and the snap shot is now only black and white.  I know for me, because of the preverbal events I went through, as I was able to change my POV on them, the emotional charge also changed.  For some reason I have a tendency to minimize my achievements.  Considering the cohort, I'm not in jail, yeah, addicted to caffeine and nicotine but nothing else, stable employment, stable friends, enjoy things, there is areas that are funky which I wonder how much of that is being driven by the crazy that modernity is.  When I stop and consider .. how many bureaucratic systems do I interact with on the daily?  this also feeds back into the question I had a while back of the reciprocity twixt me and 'society'. 

It's kinda strange to think about all the people that I'm dependent on for my daily life that I have no idea who they are.  Water, sewer, electric, food, fuel, payroll, banking, like that ain't normal considering the arc of history.

Other things need to be done so will end here.

Wishing all here all the best.   

[StartingHealing]

Sept 7 2024

Swung by here, don't know why.  Nothing 'bad', no stuff going on that I'm aware of.  At least consciously.  It's the weekend.  Waiting for laundry to finish.  had a good walk with my doggo this AM.  Had good food, ice water (yeah I'm one of those folks  ) coffee, ahhh what a wonderful brew. Slept well. have $ in pocket and bank, debating on opening the bag of unreal snicker candy bar clone.  Dark chocolate, no where near as sweet as snickers, highly addictive actually.  Have a acid jazz channel streaming music and things are pretty good at the moment.  I am grateful for this space.  I am grateful for all the brave souls here. 

Wishing all here, all the best

[StartingHealing]

Sept 15 2024

*?  Weird $hit going on the last few days.  ghosts of memories past have been coming up over the last couple of days.  Plus I'm fighting myself on doing the classwork for the class I'm in.  Ugh, the provided material ssssssuuuuuuuccccccckkkkkkksssssss.  I'm not the brightest crayon but I'm no slouch either, and the material is very frustrating. 

the ghosts of memories past, people, places, situations, yeah really odd in that it's not ... I have yet to discern commonalities twixt them.  Even on a emotional level, unless it's a general shedding of the past that I've been packing unknowingly.  Or is there some other level of common crapola tween it? 

Weird things like the dentist that the parents took me to.  The first chiropractor I ever went to. A flash of a 'good' time with the former spouse, an experience with one of the older folks that were around when I was growing up, being on a motorcycle and all the poop went away and I was there in the moment. 

Perhaps it's also a symptom that I'm changing into another phase of my experience here in this realm.  Rolling from one vibration level into a higher one, and to do that, wouldn't the past, which doesn't exist except in memory, which what the he77 is memory anyway? need to be shed like a snake shedding it's skin? 

My mentor has told me that generally speaking, when someone comes to mind that is spirit doing it for their benefit since the protocol is to "send" them strength, courage, peace or whatever 'fits' at the moment.  Then you can tell that thought to get out of the thinking meat.  I've been doing the same thing with the ghosts of memories past that have been coming to call of late.

Somehow or the other, I'll get through. 

Wishing all here, all the best.