Healing journal (tw) Angering / strong emotions

[StartingHealing]

Aphotic,

Metaphorically is one thing, the other, well, (insert cuss words here).  Me doggo took a turn for the not good. He is an older doggo 12, 13, , (When I got him the vet at the time said he was 8 or 9), and a pittie so.. not totally unexpected.  Still sucks though.  Has been pretty rapid decline and still working out what if anything can be done, at the same time, (insert more cuss words here) painless passing at home with me is definitely on the table at the moment.  My mentor has their hands full and perhaps tomorrow I can have a conversation with them about it.  Until then, lordy being caught twixt and tween sucks sooooooooo bad. I know what my emotions are saying but it's not about me.  What is going to be the best for him, emotions be d---ed.  I owe him that at least. 

Wishing all here all the best

[Chart]

Gotta be responsible and all when all I want to do is curl into a ball and cry. 

It sucks. 

Universes so parallel they could almost be the same.
 

[StartingHealing]

29 Dec 2024

I'm going to try my best to not cuss.  Being a fecal matter situation.  Not surprising that me doggo ... my emotional response to what is coming.  Well, peeing blood, and passing clots, yeah.        He's such a good boy.  Such a good good doggo.  He's helped a great deal with just being there with the ending of things with the former spouse.  He went through treatment for skin cancer a couple of years back which worked for a while.  I think that a node of cancer got cut and it spread.  Caught twixt raging and crying. Need to get #'s of the folks that provide at home services.  I'm torn emotionally.  On the one hand I'd really like it if he could stay around longer.  On the other hand, I don't want him to go through the suffering that would entail. 

Well, prior experience with doggos and the former spouse.  She couldn't bear the idea of peaceful passing at home and so there were a pair of doggo's that got to suffer because of that.  Course when it finally happened I was the one to blame for everything. 

Had been working on a long term project of gathering all the images of all the doggies that I've been lucky enough to have in my experience (there were copies of copies of copies of copies that had exactly the same image, different file names)  and when I mentioned this to my daughter, she wanted copies because she hadn't been allowed to say her farewells to them when they passed.  Kids and dogs you know?  Pretty evil to prevent a kid from saying goodbye.  Ran across images of the last pair at the end and how much hurt they had at the time the image was taken. 

Who would have thought that somebody like me that grew up on a farm where the circle of life was on full display, would still find it so hard.  I think that at the moment, I'm not gonna have another doggie for a while.  Maybe in a year or three.  Maybe I'm being selfish in that got a whole lot of things coming that are in the air and to me anyway, wouldn't be fair to the doggo, you know? 

Just hurts.  Hurts bad.  Anger at the unfairness to my doggo.  From what I've put together is that until me, well, the so called people that had him before me, when the lockdowns hit, took him to a park and abandoned him by tying him to a tree.  Not only that but they had a heavy hand. Trying to use anything with a handle, like a broom, shovel, cane, he would run from it.   

Small comfort is that my doggo is going to have really good company when he crosses.  I've been blessed with really great dogs through my experience here.

As of yet, the two folks that I typically talk to, one is stacked until tomorrow, and the other I haven't heard back from.  I know what needs to be done it's the human thing of talking it out to have confirmation of not being off the rails.  The at home services aren't open today.  I don't know if that is a blessing or not. 

hard to focus on things at the moment. 

Wishing all here, all the best. 

[Armee]

I'm so very sorry. 

I've recently been there with my best dog friend. I do wish that I had ended things before she suffered so much.

I'm sorry. It is really legitimately difficult to go through the loss of a pet.

[Chart]

So sorry SH... 

[Hope67]

Sending you a heartfelt hug at this sad time.   

[StartingHealing]

12-31-2024

Everyone,  Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Got ticked off after my last post, is unfair! you know? and the universe provided me with a treatment for my doggo's cancer. 

No I haven't been to a vet to confirm the internal, (blood in urine) he does have some spots on his underside skin that have been diagnosed.  in 2021? 2022? had him surgically treated,  The first procedure was done with a scalpel and usually there is a cyst like structure around the clumps and I think that one was cut open allowing the cancer to invade inside. Time line seems right to my sense of things.

 The second procedure with a different vet was a laser scalpel which prevents that kind of stuff happening. then went with a place that takes the mass, kills the cells, and then adds some sort of antigen into the solution which gets injected to teach the immune system that these types of cells are not good and to handle them. Since cancer cells release a hormone that makes the immune system overlook them.  The large masses have not returned. Figures that there would be different types.

The treatment is ivermectin, a weight dependent dose every other day for 3 months, then 15 days off, and then start the treatments back up.  Oral administration.  From what I've found that it has a multitude of ways it messes with cancer cells of all types while leaving healthy cells alone. Stops the reproduction of them, increases rate of cell death, doesn't allow growth etc.

No surprise that the studies are from outside the USA. 

Humans are also showing good results with ivermectin alone and in some cases the addition of Fenbendazole shows an increase the rate of shrinkage of the tumors.  Plus both are safer than aspirin. Along with going completely clear of any and all sugars of any kind.

Last ditch hail mary and I know that the ending will happen when the ending happens. Maybe its just me, i figure that an ending due to old age, being flat wore out vs the other possible, is preferable if that makes any sense.

My doggo did not like his first dose. Got some in my mouth and it does taste nasty as all get out.  However he ate some steak a few minutes after and that's a good sign.  Need to watch him, he doesn't have any shepherding dog in him so he shouldn't have any issues with the ivermection.  Blueheelers, collies, etc, the shepherding breeds have a sensitivity to ivermection that could be fatal.

Fingers and toes crossed.

Wishing all here all the best

[StartingHealing]

Jan 1 2025

Just back from a short, slow walk with my doggo.  Last night was freaking brutal for him.  All the fireworks going off etc.  I stayed up with him.  Sigh.  He's drinking and his appetite has returned somewhat.  At this point I'll feed him what he will eat which seems to be shredded cheese and steak/hamburg.  there has been improvement, Take what I can get I reckon.

Wishing all here all the best

[StartingHealing]

Jan 2 2025

My wish for all here is that this year is filled with good, with health, with great strides forward on the healing path. 

Things popping off in my thinking meat.. again.  (insert favorite cuss phrase here)  I think that is why I was such a huge motorcycle guy in the way back when.  You get forced into being in the moment, with the sights, sounds, smells, I miss that.  I miss having a motorcycle a lot.  Maybe one day I'll have another. 

Back to objective stuff.  Ivermectin does slow my doggo down which is alright because of the sleeping = healing thing.  Better energy this AM.  More pep in the step on the morning walk.  Appetite .. he felt good enough to use his nose to shovel the shredded cheese out of his bowl.  Weird, sometimes he will do that to a certain extent and then eat some either off the floor or out of his bowl.  odd and odd.  Then again he's always done that. 

Will cook up some beef for him and see if he's interested. 

Got something ... it blew in and will see if can knock it out with what I have on hand.

Wishing all here all the best

[Chart]

Thanks SH, you too. 2025 and healing... let it be. Soft pats on the head for your four-legged fellow traveler too.

[StartingHealing]

thank you Chart.  Much appreciated.

There is a forum site for cribmates (adoptees) been a member there for quite a while.  Was on it today and ..    Look, I get it.  People feel a certain type of way about things like the prez election.  I feel a certain type of way about certain things as well.  When did it become normalized for people to lash out at other people that are right there in the trenches and facing many of the same struggles as you are?  Seriously, I went to X and logged in to see some actual respectful discourse.  If you have been on X you know the deal there.  Yes.  It was that bad. 

The spiral has come back around to me wondering if I should delete everything off that other site.  I'm trying to find the words, there are some on that site that are doing the work and healing, then there are others that say that they are doing the work, yet their communications with others shows otherwise. And then there are some that are intentionally placing themselves into a victim space and lashing out at others for it.  IDK, Could use groups on FB but those get weird as well.  I do know it's going to be a while before I log back into that site. It's not that ALL or MOST folks on the site lash out, just a few. Maybe I can ping a admin concerning the posts. Thing is, over the time I've been utilizing the forum it's gradually become more of the last two instead of the first listed.  If I can find a different place on the interwebs for cribmates, I'll more than likely be migrating to that new resource.  That is one of the reasons I haven't moved on from it.  Trying to find a "place" where folks savvy.  Like here, people here savvy.  One of the many good things about this space. 

I savvy where the people lashing out are coming from. I do. I remember being in a similar place emotionally.  Now though, I mean the verbiage wasn't even directed at me and I'm shaking my head at the vitriol being spewed.  What's the point?  What is so ideologically important that the leap to "you are against me" happened?  In comparison to the general population there ain't many cribmates out there you know?  Why attack people that are fellow cribmates?  Makes no sense to me.

Anyway, need to go do other things and I wish all the brave souls here all the best

[Chart]

I hear what you've written. I think the hardest thing for humans is understanding. Especially things we don't understand. And it seems nearly impossible to understand that we don't understand.

Personally I try to "see" and then move on from situations I perceive as "blocked".

I don't know what else I can do.

Sorry your dealing with this human kunumbsphlit... (invented word :-)

[StartingHealing]

Chart,

I do understand what you are saying. I thought long and hard about it since it wasn't my monkey / circus.  I did ping an admin because the inclusion of politics and religion, both verboten under the by-laws of that forum, unless it is specifically related to adoption, has been increasing over time.  Most cribmates don't want to confront, and if I use the "how many roaches" approach, if I'm disconcerted with the posts being made, how many other users are put off by it and just don't post, don't engage, or like I was thinking of doing, move on down the road to something else?  100?  1000?  It's a decent space and to have a few unstable folks jack it up for the rest.  You know?  Did get a PM back from the admin saying they would look into it. 

It appears that certain, I call them mind viruses, can and do infect people to a point where for them, any opinion outside of the "approved" message is taken as an attack on themselves.  When in fact the opposite is actually true.  The amount of projection, the amount of reading into the text so much that wasn't there.  Meanwhile maintaining multiple victim statuses while attacking someone that came up with an idea, just an idea, based on what they know, and that idea somehow turns into an attack on the person's "claimed" identity?  Seriously, one poster went on a rant about how _____ political group is going to take my rights away, I'll need to leave the USA if I don't want to die, and then ending with "no I must fight this tyranny" meanwhile being completely complicit with all the systems that are truly working to remove your rights as a human being.  I mean, where does the "approved" messages come from?  At least here in the u.s. propaganda against the population is legal now although that never stopped them previously.

yeah

Sad to say, I'm starting to wonder if the toxins in the environment, toxins in the food, EMF, propaganda, and this "reality" called the internet, have come together in some sort of perfect storm that results in poor health all way around.  Mental, physical, and spiritual, for the developed countries.  Even taken with a large grain of salt because of the medical / pharma / psychology industries pressures, all mental health issues are on an increasing % of the general population.  I'm not talking about CPTSD or PTSD, I'm talking about stuff like bi-polar, personality disorders, schizophrenia, etc. The reason that I know this is because during the time period where I was attempting to understand about personality disorders since the former spouse is such.  That turned into a real rabbit hole.

Anyhow, got some pet cams coming, will let me peek in and see what's up with him while I'm at work. 

Wishing all here all the best

[Chart]

Just a thought: Maybe the whole point of existence is to actualize "energy evolution" which is best done when faced with "people crazier than ourselves". How do we change when faced with pain (of all sorts)? And the "test" applies to everybody... hence everybody thinks everybody else is nuts...

(My daughter's up...)
Once again, I hope my insanity isn't "too far" and does not ruffle.
Love the idea of the dog-cam

[StartingHealing]

Chart,

Perhaps?  I really don't know.  guess it depends on what is 'crazy' right?