Healing journal (tw) Angering / strong emotions

StartingHealing · September 24, 2023, 07:11:21 PM

9-24-23

I have noticed that I have a thing with time and dates. Maybe it has to do with all the crap that I have been through up to this point. Maybe not, not really certain of much right now.

I remember a time where I just "knew" somehow of when I needed to started heading back to the casa because chores would be starting soon. On a family farm, and there was acres and acres of open range. I'd go to the dry creek, the pond, hang out in an old elm tree, or whatever.

Today has been, well, first insomnia hit last night, there was part of my brain that just had to rehearse the possibilities of what I was going to say to a judge at the zoom hearing. I do not have a lawyer to represent me. I've had prior dealings with the judge and to say he's a loose cannon is putting it mildly.

Lots of anxiety around what the former spouse with undiagnosed BPD / NPD and

? did to me abuse wise. I'm still separating the mental illness and the abuse. I know in my head that i didn't deserve it, but in my heart.. Gotta get that convinced as well you know?

I'll call her B for now. I won't be putting any information that can be traced directly back to the individuals involved.

She's got this crazy idea that the residence is worth more in the market than it actually is and because of her disorder the inside needs lots of help. Neither one of us have the $$ to throw at it. Not that she cares. That's another thing. Did she ever care? Did she ever give a crap about me and my hopes, dreams, feelings? Or was that all smoke and mirrors to get me to attach to her for her "supply"?

I've done several youtube dives into Vanikin, Gannon, and folks like them and it's cold comfort that the relationship was going to fail no matter what I did. In a way it's also freeing because there was nothing that I could have done. The 3 C's. Didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it. Even so, even so. Even if it was some other swinging d--k, would have been the same result. Sometimes I think it would have been better for all involved if it had been a different dude. Not that I'm wishing harm on anyone. Heavens no! Still have that nagging thought every once in a while of "what if".

I loath this house. Not the physical house, it's been a good house, I loath the scars left in the drywall and paint directly related to her. I hate the echos of things past that remind me of the * that I survived. The effort and energy used in an attempt to mitigate her crazy. The total 100% drain she was on me. Even in the "good" days. The walking on eggshells, the always watching myself to not get open a can of worms, watching tone of voice, watching how I moved, how I breathed, watching every single thing and for what?!?! For her to come back and ask the court to evict me so she can move in because somehow now she has 10K for a fecal matter patch and paint job and piecework flooring?

At the moment, I cannot say with certainty if I have ill will towards her as another human. I do have a metric ton of ill will towards what she did though. Not only to me but to my daughter as well. Even her own child, she abused like she did me. My daughter is ok, now. She's spent multiple years in various therapies and is doing alright. Her own child is stuck and in his mid 30's, and I'm just getting my feet wet in allowing stored emotions to release.

I've been through some serious physical things in my life. I've forgotten the amount of times I lost it on a dirt bike, or got hurt in some way on the farm, been through several workplace accidents, overcame self medicating with alcohol, have been concussed many times, and somehow or the other my body knows how to make things right. I'm trying to have that same faith that it knows how best for me to release all the stored emotional energy. I'm trying to have faith that things will work out for my best.

If I could snap my fingers and have the situation change, I want free of the house. I want free from her. I want to be in a place that is new to me so the echoes of past injury are no longer around. And enough seed money to start my next chapter.

StartingHealing · September 24, 2023, 08:18:30 PM

This is a continuation because I've had myself a good cry, told myself that I forgive myself for not standing up for myself and acting out telling imaginary "b" where to stick it based on the emotions that were coming up at the time. Damnedest thing is that I've been not in her presence for well over a year. Strange how things work.

I grieve for what could have been and the never was. I do not grieve for her. I do not miss her presence in the least. In fact as I have been able to I have been replacing everything that has any kind of memory attached. next on deck is the clothes hangers. One of the first things I changed was the bed & sheets & pillows.

There is an inner part, younger, has been very expressive in his distaste towards "b". Understandably so, lets paraphrase and say that an unpleasant death with the weight of all the pain that was caused to others is experienced.

Well, I need to eat again and fold laundry.

Armee · September 25, 2023, 01:33:41 PM

Sending you wishes for a fair hearing with the judge and the hopes that out of this you get that...seed money and freedom.

B sounds similar to my mom which was BPD with flavorings of NPD and Bipolar Disorder. It was a mess. I'm glad your daughter is doing better.

StartingHealing · September 25, 2023, 05:18:41 PM

@Armee

I still shake my head at how common the patterns of behavior is with those types of folks. I do not wish those experiences on any being.

Peace

StartingHealing · September 26, 2023, 06:48:26 PM

9-26-23

Had a really good conversation with a person I consider to be a mentor yesterday. That's the biggest thing is having a connection to another human that you can connect with and that you feel safe with. Then the method comes after that.

From her point of view I'm doing pretty good, it seems the pattern for me was being "normal" in an abnormal situation.

StartingHealing · September 26, 2023, 08:20:47 PM

Adoption from the child's perspective isn't normal.

then 25 years with a BPD. Again not "normal"

I've decided tho, that this is my life and by gum, I would like to enjoy it. Have to definitely step up my self care more. And Self compassion.

Armee · September 26, 2023, 08:22:03 PM

That's right. All those things are true.

StartingHealing · September 27, 2023, 05:43:02 PM

9-27-2023

Yesterday was pretty good, was even able to work on some home work. Then due to the legal stuff that is going on, I was pulled into that. Trying really hard to treat myself with some self compassion and when a thought spikes the anxiety, I am attempting to catch the thought to then speak to it. That thought is from the past. The past is the past. I love that part that's trying to keep me safe. or That is a future thought. I understand that there is a part of myself that is really really worried about it. I understand how worrying it is.

Also have cut back on nicotine consumption. Healing crisis, going with what feels good.

Still getting used to the difference in timing between body, emotion, and thoughts. And then where am I relationally to those?

Wishing all the brave souls here, all the best.

StartingHealing · September 29, 2023, 01:36:55 AM

9-28-23

Last night was a blast from the past. Literally. Back when I was a teen, there were nights that I didn't "sleep" it was like the body turned off but the brain kept chugging. Lots of emotions being generated by a "part"? I guess. Wanted to war game on an upcoming legal hearing in the future. Then there was crap from the past, and back and forth, I was still able to function for work. Found out about L-theanine, an amino acid that works like a ssri. once daily type thing. Picked up a bottle from the store yesterday and with 2 doses it's been beneficial so far.

Feels like I was able to get through to the various parts and explain that "hey that's from the past" "uh that's in the future" then I would repeat that " In this moment I am ok." Didn't count how many but it was a large amount. Logically, there in this lineal time line we experience the now moment is all we have. That is also our point of power. Diaphragm breathing is also a wonderful thing as it massages the vagus nerve to help soothe.

Nicotine consumption is higher today than last couple days, figured it might be because of the night before. Caffeine still at one cup of green tea.

Also doing the self hug and telling myself that I love you, every single part of you. Your so strong and brave. Felt a bit odd in the beginning but it does help.

Well, if I am attempting to be a bestest friend to myself, what would someone like that tell me? If we don't advocate to ourselves for ourselves then what? The messages that we received, that in some part we believed, how to counter act those negative messages? Compassion, you know? All of us here have been through some fecal matter. And yet look at us, I am in awe of how courageous and loving we all are.

I do wish all here, all the best.

Armee · September 29, 2023, 02:26:35 AM

All things considered you are doing really really well.

Bert · September 29, 2023, 07:43:21 AM

Hey StartingHealing,

Whelp, your rollercoaster ride of emotions, thoughts and intellectualisation sound just like mine. I do hope you're managing okay. If your not, please allow yourself to not be okay - perhaps you can take my permission to feel not okay, and that might just inspire some self-compassion and the space you need. I often feel I need "permission".

It's funny how inherently compassionate we are to others. Yet, we're awful at turning that inwards onto ourselves?

It does sound like you're really practising that muscle of being self-loving. Please do not stop practising that. It is so crucial!

Take good care of yourself

StartingHealing · September 30, 2023, 03:23:33 AM

Quote from: Armee on September 29, 2023, 02:26:35 AMAll things considered you are doing really really well.

Thank you. Some times it sure don't feel like tho..

StartingHealing · September 30, 2023, 03:42:57 AM

Quote from: Bert on September 29, 2023, 07:43:21 AMHey StartingHealing,

Whelp, your rollercoaster ride of emotions, thoughts and intellectualisation sound just like mine. Yeah, my childhood kinda pushed me into my head a lot I do hope you're managing okay. I'm hanging in there. I've found a stack of herbal supplements that help keep functional while not numbing me out. If your not, please allow yourself to not be okay - perhaps you can take my permission to feel not okay, and that might just inspire some self-compassion and the space you need. I often feel I need "permission". I'll gratefully accept your permission if you will accept mine good sir. I know that it's not a forever thing. It sometimes feels like it when I get caught up into the emotional storm.

It's funny how inherently compassionate we are to others. Yet, we're awful at turning that inwards onto ourselves? Paradox of human-ness yea?

It does sound like you're really practising that muscle of being self-loving. Please do not stop practising that. It is so crucial! Been wondering where the "standard" of expectations of self comes from. Is it from society? FOO? or Or is it all BS propaganda that was fed to us when we couldn't tell the difference?

Take good care of yourself Thank you. You be good to yourself as well. [color]

StartingHealing · October 01, 2023, 01:57:27 AM

9-30-23

Today was a pretty good day. 4 hours of solid sleep!

Got rid of more stuff that had a "taint" from the former spouse. Plus, I know that I will be moving at some point this year and there was lots of duplicated bits and bobs that I don't need, haven't used in a couple 3 years. It feels really good to get rid of unused / unneeded stuff.

It seems that my current stack of vitamins / herbs / tinctures has really been in that sweet spot of being able to function without being numb.

In the AM, first thing is the amino acid L-thianime while water is boiling for a cup of green tea. May try coffee tomorrow IDK yet. after 15-20 minutes, then I take 6000mg B3, a 8 mushroom mix cap, a iodine + selenium, and a ashdawanga
before going to work say about 30 minutes before I then take 15 drops of skullcap and passion flower.

I have noticed that as long as I stay in a 4 dose per day of skullcap and passion flower my nicotine use is greatly reduced.

ashdawanga is about 3 or 4 per day.

I wish all here all the best

StartingHealing · October 01, 2023, 09:31:44 PM

10-1-23

Wow, 8 hours of sleep last night. I had forgotten how that felt. Somewhere or the other the 3 things, I had forgot. Eating, exercise, and sleep.

There was a purging session last night before bed. Mirror work, being compassionate to the self, crying, then sleep, still was awakened twice to go to the bathroom, once from the shot of adrenaline that the body produces to start waking up from sleeping.

Had food this AM, had a good 2 hour dog walk, and with hand on heart, I had done a good hour or better of giving myself love / good vibes / compassion for the inner parts? aspects? neural nets? that have been carrying such a heavy load, "listening" to those inner(s) and feeling the emotions, letting them know that I understand because they are me and I am them. When got home from the walk, some emotions came up and I allowed them to flow, crying, and then did more mirror work, seeing the pain in the face in the mirror, the longing in the eyes, something changed in me, I cannot allow that any longer, I can't. It hurts to bleeping much. I will treat that person in the mirror with love, respect, kindness and compassion. I may not always be 100% at that but it is a worthwhile goal I believe.

There are physical things that I could be doing. I have chosen to not do them and have watched several podcasts about health / wellness. I'll be, there is some interesting things with the gut biome and mental health. I'll give it a go why not? Appears that not only does the proper prebiotic / probiotic / postbiotic but does also help with blood sugar, weight loss, sleeping, mood, energy? I'm down for that. Shoot fire, if I can get some supplements and / or ferment my own? If you do a general web search on Super Gut PDF there are resources that have it available for offline reading.

Wishing all here all the best