Healing journal (tw) Angering / strong emotions

[StartingHealing]

Well, fecal matter.

This legal stuff is stressful enough without the added crap of me being without a lawyer and I get to deal with the former spouses lawyer over selling the marital residence.

I get to call tomorrow some time and I'm really nervous about it.

Peace

[Bert]

Hey StartingHealing,

To me, you're being exceptionally brave and courageous. I hope things go in your favour.

My thoughts are with you

[Bert]

Oh- I didn't catch the entry you wrote "10-1-23". Reading that put a smile on my face. The optimism and sense of self-care really touched me. Keep up the great work and be kind to yourself   

[StartingHealing]

10-3-23

Yesterday was a trippy day.  had the call with the other sides lawyer and it became apparent that they are in la la land.  Sorry, not sorry, but they don't have any impact on the real estate market.  Bout 1/2 way through the call something shifted inside of me, and there was a certain sense of inner peace? hard to explain.

Anyway, did get a solid 6 hours of sleep before I awoke to go to the bathroom.  Was able to go back to sleep right after.

I don't know if it was the probiotics or the increase in niacin.  Don't really matter as long as I get that restful sleep. 

Gotta focus on the big 3.  Eating, exercise, and sleep.

Nicotine and caffeine consumption is all over the place.  Not to worried about it since all the herbal support / tinctures / etc is a short term thing.. And then after I'm free of the marital residence that is the last cord connecting me to that person.  My target is currently to get free with enough seed money to start my next phase.

Wishing all the brave souls here, all the best. 

[Papa Coco]

StartingHealing,

I've learned that healing begins after abuse ends. Those of us who try to heal while remaining in the abusive relationship can really only hope for daily survival at best. There really is a stop/start moment. I used to liken it to a train crash. Some train crashes go on for several minutes and the cars first begin to run aground, then tip, then push each other into ditches, and rivers. Fires start, smoke, etc. I used to say, you can't start healing from the crash until after the train stops crashing.

I had put up with my family's abuse for 50 years. During those years I had 7 different psychologists at different times, who were able to make zero progress with me. They'd get me to be strong enough to endure the ongoing abuse, but it was temporary strength. It wasn't until I walked away from my abusers and felt convinced they were finally gone for good that my last psychologist was finally able to help me get past it and grow as a healthier person.

As I read your story, I feel great connection to the turmoil you've been in, and I'm also feeling hope that you are on your way to the end of your train crash.

As you talk about your nicotine and caffeine consumption, I feel like you will have a lot of success cutting it down, or even eliminating it, once your separation becomes a thing of the past. Once the stressor is gone, you can focus on your nicotine and caffeine. It's really hard to move forward until the abuse stops. After that, the world can feel like a beautiful place. After I left my family for good, I felt like I was walking 6 Inches off the ground for weeks. The trees were more beautiful. The air smelled sweeter. Food tasted better. And my healing began to get traction.

Keep up the good work. When this is all finally done, I hope to hear that you are finally free to work on your secondary issues, like your nicotine and caffeine. Until then, be kind to yourself. You deserve it after what you've been through.

[StartingHealing]

StartingHealing,

I've learned that healing begins after abuse ends.I savvy that Those of us who try to heal while remaining in the abusive relationship can really only hope for daily survival at best.I've been NC from the former spouse for over a year There really is a stop/start moment. I used to liken it to a train crash. Some train crashes go on for several minutes and the cars first begin to run aground, then tip, then push each other into ditches, and rivers. Fires start, smoke, etc. I used to say, you can't start healing from the crash until after the train stops crashing.Makes sense

I had put up with my family's abuse for 50 years. During those years I had 7 different psychologists at different times, who were able to make zero progress with me. They'd get me to be strong enough to endure the ongoing abuse, but it was temporary strength. It wasn't until I walked away from my abusers and felt convinced they were finally gone for good that my last psychologist was finally able to help me get past it and grow as a healthier person.The marital residence is the last cord. Bout ready to have some lightening hit to change the situation

As I read your story, I feel great connection to the turmoil you've been in, and I'm also feeling hope that you are on your way to the end of your train crash.Well said

As you talk about your nicotine and caffeine consumption, I feel like you will have a lot of success cutting it down, or even eliminating it, once your separation becomes a thing of the past. Once the stressor is gone, you can focus on your nicotine and caffeine. It's really hard to move forward until the abuse stops. After that, the world can feel like a beautiful place. After I left my family for good, I felt like I was walking 6 Inches off the ground for weeks. The trees were more beautiful. The air smelled sweeter. Food tasted better. And my healing began to get traction.I've had moments like that already

Keep up the good work. When this is all finally done, I hope to hear that you are finally free to work on your secondary issues, like your nicotine and caffeine. Until then, be kind to yourself. You deserve it after what you've been through.  I'm trying to treat myself with kindness and compassion.  My thanks for your wonderful way of expressing things and your kindness towards me.  It is appreciated deeply

[StartingHealing]

The can got kicked down the road some more.  Have an evidentiary hearing on the 26th of this month. In person. Sigh. My 1987 Dodge truck needs some front end work and then an alignment.  Another kink to work out.  Lots of emotions right now.  Anger, fear, exhaustion (course that could be from the amount of herbal support that I have taken today) and .... D-mn.  (insert your favorite cuss phrase here) not to mention the amount o stuff at work.  Sheesh.

I think I will get some food and watch something.  If I can find something that is worth watching that is.

[StartingHealing]

10-4-23

Was able to sleep which is good.  I'm getting better at interrupting the thoughts so I don't go into freak out mode again. Still waking up with a jolt. 

The heater valve blew out on my way to work.  Got there ok.  Got a piece of copper pipe and I'm going to use that to replace the heater valve.  It's the time of year that it won't matter if the heater is on.

Hard to stay there tho.  It's like there is part of my noggin that intentionally wants to overthink the crap out of everything. 

Sigh.

I may write more later.  I may not. 

[StartingHealing]

10-5-23

I decided to ignore doing some things yesterday since I wanted to do something different.  Something that I haven't done in a long time. Years in fact.  I actually read a book for pleasure.  Even had a bit of chocolate for dessert and I bought my inner kiddo a little wolf plush toy.  Even with being engrossed in the book, there were still occasions where a flash of a memory, or a what if of the future, came into awareness and I had a physical reaction to things that are not "real" the past is the past, the future isn't set, and yet it's like I'm ... IDK .


Trying to have the faith that things will work out for the best, have to say that there are times where that faith isn't that strong.

Maybe it has to do with the old pattern that was around when I was living with the former spouse with her personality disorder.

Another busy day at work.  Gotta go.

[Papa Coco]

How cool that you let yourself read a novel for joy and enjoy some chocolate.

Building up faith is a tall order, but I see it as one of the most important quests we can devote our time to. I spend a lot of time working on faith. My work is paying off. Slowly. But every year I can look back and see that I'm happier and have more faith in myself and in my spiritual connections than I had a year ago. Forward motion is forward motion. I call it a win.

I hope you have a nice long string of days where you feel like giving yourself some joy. More chocolate. More good novels. More forward motion toward faith and release.

[StartingHealing]

10-5-23

On break at work.  I've been realizing that I have a conundrum. The various parts are still hazy and much isn't clear, however it seems like I have a need to figure out what a purpose is for me.  I realize that I must work to live but, perhaps, it's the fact that it's basically down to just me and a doggo, and there isn't someone outside of me, counting on me.

I guess I'm a old school guy.  Yeah, thinking about it there hasn't been very much time in my life where I was living for just me, and what I wanted to do, etc.

D_mn. 

At the moment, the level of possibilities that are open now are kind of spooky for me.

Still have to grind through the crap and get the marital residence sold. But after that.. Hmmm

[StartingHealing]

Oh- I didn't catch the entry you wrote "10-1-23". Reading that put a smile on my face. The optimism and sense of self-care really touched me. Keep up the great work and be kind to yourself   

Thank you kind sir for your kindness and consideration.  Do appreciate them a great deal.

[StartingHealing]

Nicotine and caffeine are all over the place but they are reducing in amounts.  Not due to any intent on my part, it's going with what "feels" better physically.

I have heard that B3 does reduce the cravings for nicotine and I am consuming about 8000mg daily. (It does help with depression)

Healing crisis.. Multiple irons in the fire all at once.   

[StartingHealing]

How cool that you let yourself read a novel for joy and enjoy some chocolate.  Yeah, unfortunately the books and chocolate both ran out

Building up faith is a tall order, but I see it as one of the most important quests we can devote our time to. I spend a lot of time working on faith. My work is paying off. Slowly. But every year I can look back and see that I'm happier and have more faith in myself and in my spiritual connections than I had a year ago. Forward motion is forward motion. I call it a win. I am moving forward but damn it's tough when the other side is intentionally using the courts to F with me.

I hope you have a nice long string of days where you feel like giving yourself some joy. More chocolate. More good novels. More forward motion toward faith and release.Roger that

[StartingHealing]

10-6-23

Well, I do not know if my current course of action will bear any fruit that will be of help to me.  I wrote letters to my state representatives and senator. It's a load of BS that the other side can use the courts to bully and attempt to punish me even more than I already have been. 

I realize that I have a great deal of anger inside.  I feel that it is a righteous anger because to me this is a continuation of the abuse that I suffered at her hands for so many years.

At least the anger keeps the anxiety and fear down and my mind at the moment is very clear.

I am wondering if there is other things that I have overlooked in my fear. I have been thinking of this in a very one dimensional manner. 

Wishing all here all the best