Healing journal (tw) Angering / strong emotions

[StartingHealing]

the machine grinds forward
it can do no other thing
it's purpose
the last thing in the instructions
was find the place
to be made whole

the machine senses that
there are things
badly damaged
outside of his options
to repair

grinding forward
the machine patches
patches
so many patches
keeping moving

for the machine
knows
that if it stops
moving
it will never move
again.

[StartingHealing]

Once upon a time
long long ago
a soul came into
being

the soul being new
was naïve to the
material world
and asked if

there was a way for it
to advance faster
since the more
advanced it was then
the more others
it could help

Ah, the poor little soul
learned the hard way
that this material
existence is different
than the spiritual realm

the young soul fragment
wishing to re-unite
is learning
about loss and the pain
that comes from the same

I'm sorry little soul
I'm so sorry
I wish it could be different
I feel for you
I truly do

the only way is
through.

[StartingHealing]

10-20-2023

Nothing lasts forever, everything is changing, including me. Went a little sciencey and realized something,  pretty much every cell in this body has been changed out over time. Yes even neurons, don't know the exact rate but somewhere in the range of 7 to 20 years or so, so does that mean that I am the same being that was born?  Does it mean that I too can transform along with my physical body?  Why not?  What is stopping me from doing that?

I mean, I have the power of choice, right? 

[Hope67]

Hi Starting Healing,
I just wanted to say that I found what you wrote about the neurons and cells changing to be really uplifting and I think you have the power of choice too. 
Hope 

[StartingHealing]

Hi Starting Healing,
I just wanted to say that I found what you wrote about the neurons and cells changing to be really uplifting and I think you have the power of choice too. 
Hope 

thank you Hope.

For me, knowing that the very cells of this body changes, it renews, the idea that that force of healing, that push to put things right, why the belief that it doesn't extend to other things like emotions? beliefs? thoughts? Weird that is the consistent drum that is being beat? When it's connection to others, to 1 person that you feel safe with, to something larger than ourself, IE Universe, Spirit, the great I Am, awareness, or however you want to define it.

the event that happened, is the pain point, I've realized that the story that gets built around that pain point is where in my opinion the trauma gets created.  I'm not discounting any experience, my goodness no.  * I went through adoption.. being separated from my natural mother, then fostering, then finally placed in the family that did the legal * to claim me.  Then later on, based on the habitual patterns from childhood, I ended up in a 25 year marriage to a person that has a personality disorder. Using the walk like a duck logic, I've concluded she is borderline.

Recently, I have went through several books written by natural mothers and I now firmly believe that my natural mother loves me, she worried about me, she grieved for me, she never had any additional children after me, and she drank herself to death.

Realizing that I can choose to change the story that I tell myself about myself, and that is part of the healing, to change ones self concept, to know that there is choice, and yes there are aspects that do make themselves known as they are being released, is not fun, it's painful, at times it * hurts, but that energy has to be processed to be released, allowing the healing force to come in and renew, refresh, rebuild, bigger, better, and with much more wisdom.

Wish all here all the best

[StartingHealing]

6 FREEDOMS

Freedom to See and Hear what is here -
instead of what should be, was or will be.

Freedom to Say what one Feels and thinks
instead of what one "should"

Freedom to Feel what one Feels instead of
what one ought.  Or is told to feel.

Freedom to Ask for what one Wants instead
of always waiting for permission.

Freedom to take Risks in one's own Behalf,
instead of choosing to be only Secure or not
rocking the boat.

Freedom to say No without feeling the need to explain
in great detail.

NOTE: the answer No is a complete sentence.

This resonates with me so much at the moment.

[Hope67]

Hi StartingtoHeal,
Those freedoms are very positive.
Hope 

[StartingHealing]

Hi StartingtoHeal,
Those freedoms are very positive.
Hope 

Yes indeed they are Hope.  Funny how the path to self-sovereignty appears to be such a mess at times.  Considering that for a time, long time, I had the belief that I was behind the 8-ball in things, and that I had to strive harder than anyone just to get equal.  Looking at that belief that was rooted in the looking outside of self.  If that makes any sense.

Have acquired a notebook and will start journaling in IRL. there is growing evidence that human brain / body interface has a huge impact, even to the point where school districts are mandating cursive writing again.  According to what I have read, the act of writing increases retention, and emotional regulation.  Guess the older ideas around writing were spot on.  I could go down that rabbit hole about the hubris that humans generally appear to have concerning things that worked from the past. 

As an example, in tribal villages, if a member gets ill (from whatever the case may be) then the medicine person has a ceremony in which the entire village is at, the ill person is brought into daylight, they receive support from the entire community, and in this the ill person feels safe, they feel supported, they are recognized as being valuable to the community.  Yet here in the so called 1st world, where does that happen?  You have to think that humans developed in tandem with community, family groups that developed into tribes, how many thousands if not millions of years did humans successfully continue?  In the modern age, where is our tribe?  Where are those that have a similar experience IRL? 

Been thinking about mindfulness as well.  Why is that such a benefit to us?  Having a group that are being mindful at the same time in a location is even more beneficial to not only the individual but also to the group as well! Holy S! Yet in the hubris of modernity these simple things have been discounted and poo-poo'd  and I'm starting to question why?  I mean, who benefits from having humans scared, feeling isolated, feeling wounded?  In other words ... is it power? money? control? Who benefits from our illnesses?  When did health care morph into illness management (any ill that befalls us humans / companion animals) ? 

Humans do not exist in a vacuum.  there is some kind of reciprocity between the individual and society.  Who is driving the narratives of "modern" society?  Who or what is driving the manipulation? Again who benefits?

Musings of a person that is on a healing path.

[dollyvee]

Hi SH,

I just wanted to say that I'm reading what you're writing and going through. I have also read that group healing is very beneficial to people. Well not necessarily healing I guess, but having people bear witness to that healing. This is something my t and I have talked about, how good or different it would be if I had a witness to things. For me, growing up in NPD household was dealing with other peoples' dysfucntional realities. So, as an adult I was/am usually trying to reality "test" my own ideas and feelings. There was no "healthy" backdrop to springboard off of.

Sending you support,
dolly

[StartingHealing]

10-26-23

dollyvee,

Indeed.  Getting to a place where we know that our version of reality is within the pale is something that I have struggled with for some time. Having a another witness the healing is a very powerful thing.  Have you heard about the 100 monkey phenomena? It supports the concept of a shared unconscious IMO.  There is evidence that our personal magnetic / energy field impacts others, shoot there have been blind studies in which folks that could be called high level meditators have placed intentions into a non-active device and when said device is exposed in a different location, again this is totally blind experiment, the results are not only striking but repeatable.  The one that I am most familiar with involves the intention of raising the ph level of distilled water. 

I say all this to get to the point of having a group of people with the same basic intention of healing, or growth, or whatever, reinforces the effect of a single individual intention of healing, which also impacts the effects felt by others of the group.  We are truly not separate from the realm we find ourselves in.

I do not know how it works but there is enough evidence for me to accept that it does work. 

You know, folks with a personality disorder will get into their feelings and mess things up that are of a benefit to them.  The final orders on the divorce has me paying a monthly alimony amount divided up by paycheck. I have been paying it voluntarily.  Just got off the phone with the clerk of court for the family court to verify if the garnishment on my wages to pay alimony was 1. legit, 2. enforceable and yes it is.  sigh. 

They went and complained about how long it was taking to get the $ and such and so they pushed the issue through the courts.  Even though there was no arrears, no lates, nothing there, all I can figure is that they got into their feelings and due to the lack of money management on their end, got themselves into a bind and thought that having a garnishment would be a good way to go.  Their expectation would be that they would be getting the $ on the same day that I get paid. 

But now there are more hands in the mix and so, all they ended up doing is pushing the timeframe longer on when the get $.

Chasing down the courts, ensuring that it was legit, not to mention the impacts this can have on my credit report, all for what?  For somebody else's feelings that don't have a single thing to do with a shared reality?

Judas.

Anyway, I had been thinking that I would have let that sleeping dog lie, just pay the stuff and go forward.  Now, I'm reconsidering and depending on what is available to me, when I am able (the US state I am in has 1 year hold on anything the court orders as far as divorce decrees) I will now probably push for modification on the alimony, the monthly amount and the time frame.  I understand that we were married for 25 years but how does that equal me paying alimony for the rest of her life?  Or mine for that matter?

To me if you can spend 8 to 12 hours on your butt, doing social media, you can f-ing work part time as a remote customer service person. If you can LARP as a mermaid, then you can get paid for that. If you are crafty, and have the raw material and tools to make things (which she does) you can get paid for that.

Unless you are so into being a victim that you are sabotaging yourself, which she does do on the regular.  I say that because I doubt that tiger has changed it's stripes. 

Sigh.

Ah well, with the garnishment all I have to do is keep track of the amounts withdrawn (keep a paycheck stub)  and if anything comes up I have proof that the $ was taken out of my paycheck.  If the dept of economic security fumbles getting the $ to her, not my problem. 

it does piss me off in a way though.   

getting hit with the splatter from others when their situation hits the fan sucks. Thank goodness that I'm not directly in her presence.

peace be to all the brave souls here.

[Papa Coco]

I believe all of it. I believe that our shared consciousness is a real thing. I believe that the power of "prayer" or energy or whatever we want to call our intent focus on good and love, is exponentially stronger when we work as a team. I also believe that the reason mindfulness meditations are so peaceful is because they are the only time each day when we stop focusing on the past and future and only focus on the exact moment that we are in. That moment has no beginning and no end. I like to call it "the Eternal Moment." And eternity is where peace and love are found. So I think of my mindfulness meditations as a chance to remember that I'm part of eternity, and part of peace and love and kindness.

That's just my two cents.

[StartingHealing]

I believe all of it. I believe that our shared consciousness is a real thing. I believe that the power of "prayer" or energy or whatever we want to call our intent focus on good and love, is exponentially stronger when we work as a team. I also believe that the reason mindfulness meditations are so peaceful is because they are the only time each day when we stop focusing on the past and future and only focus on the exact moment that we are in. That moment has no beginning and no end. I like to call it "the Eternal Moment." And eternity is where peace and love are found. So I think of my mindfulness meditations as a chance to remember that I'm part of eternity, and part of peace and love and kindness.

That's just my two cents.

PapaCoco, the endless now.  Which is the who? what? that we really are I think. 
I haven't written much of late.  Been attempting to focus on school work. Juggling work, school, moving, yada, yada, yada.. and trying to fit in some journal-ling and maintaining some sort of regular spiritual/mindfulness practice.

Wishing all here a good evening.  For which ever practice you follow.

Peace

[StartingHealing]

Nov 3 2023

Been an intense couple of days.  The old adage of you must first release the old to allow the new space to come in is definitely the truth.  Well, beliefs, thoughts, thinking patterns, and then the world around me changes.  Over the last couple of days, have been going through a spell where my emotions are running high, more sadness, grief, anger, and they were sure to make themselves known as they were leaving. 

For me attempting to disentangle the various strands of trauma... Well, first off, is that an absolute requirement?  I don't think so for a few reasons. 1. If to heal every strand would have to be untangled then how does EDMR does what it does?  How does hypnosis be as effective as it is?  I'm starting to think that there is a mind virus that has been intentionally embedded into the commonly accepted ideas of what "has to happen" to heal on emotional / mental level.  For me that idea comes from profit motive.  Just like modern illness management.  If I have to take a pill or 10 a day, and constantly have to have checkups.. Am I physically healthy?  Hmmm,

I ran across an article, don't have the link on this device, anyway, it was from a author from the Cree Nation, and he was discussing how we are only story.  Thinking about it, stuff happens, and we create a story around it, we feel a certain way and we create a story around it.  We are story creating beings.  Add in quantum mechanics observer effect and we could have a universe because we have a story that we do.  That is one aspect of the stories we tell, is how much gets left out of the story?  That right there is why I think reframing is such a powerful technique.  How many times have I thought a particular way, felt a particular thing, but then more information comes to light and son of a gun, my thoughts, feelings about that particular situation changes. A different perspective has been achieved.

I've been looking at the story I tell myself about myself.  How much have I left out of the narrative?  If I was reading this in a book, what would be my conclusions about the main character? (Me) 

This is a ever shifting thing which is ok.  I mean I'm not static as a person, my physical body isn't static, nothing in the whole blooming universe is static, so why as humans do we have static stories?  to follow that thought, if trauma is not the event(s) but the response to said event(s) isn't that a story?  Why do I get caught in telling the same thing over and over that basically eviscerates myself on an emotional, psychic, mental level(s)?

Much to integrate.

No, no whitewashing or denial. *, I have the paperwork proving that certain events did happen at certain points in my past.  What stories did I create that are no longer serving me around these events?

Hmmmm,

Wishing all the brave souls here, all the best

[StartingHealing]

the holidays:

All Hallows Eve is behind on the wheel of the year,
 other holidays are coming up and perhaps it is
from all my experiences and my interpretation of such,
 even now ghosts of memories past come to call,
 nostalgia tinged with grief,
attempting to cloud what is yet to occur. 

Former situations not totally good nor bad,
strange mix indeed,
 learned way to early the graduations,
everything shades of grey.

I sigh, accepting as my shoulders square
attending to breath
seeking the endless now
allowing the emotions to be
seeking the root

A small hope, a small desire
fueling, burning,
driving forward
for that is not yet here

I will, come what may
celebrate with abandon
those markers left
by those that have come
before.

[dollyvee]

For me attempting to disentangle the various strands of trauma... Well, first off, is that an absolute requirement?  I don't think so for a few reasons. 1. If to heal every strand would have to be untangled then how does EDMR does what it does?  How does hypnosis be as effective as it is?   

I think this is a very valid point. There is a Tibetan teacher I follow who says that we are addicted to our pain bodies, which I guess is another way of saying misery loves company. Sometimes people are only about the trauma and use it as an identity instead of the releasing it and undergoing the very important act of healing. No judgement, I just don't think it's the only thing, or the most important thing about us. On the other hand, I think feeling emotions and expressing negative emotions is also something very cathartic for people who were never given a chance to do those things in the first place, and is probably a necessary step to healing. Borrowing from something I'm ready now, she says that at a ceertain point we have to decide to move on from healing and it becomes about becoming whole and the integration process you're talking about (Sandra Ingerman - Coming Home)

Thinking about it, stuff happens, and we create a story around it, we feel a certain way and we create a story around it.  We are story creating beings.  Add in quantum mechanics observer effect and we could have a universe because we have a story that we do.  That is one aspect of the stories we tell, is how much gets left out of the story?  That right there is why I think reframing is such a powerful technique.  How many times have I thought a particular way, felt a particular thing, but then more information comes to light and son of a gun, my thoughts, feelings about that particular situation changes. A different perspective has been achieved.

What stories did I create that are no longer serving me around these events?

Yes  I used to do this a lot and jumo right in to what I assumed were peoples' reactions or feelings about why they did what they did and what it must mean. I still do this to a certain degree, but I don't take it on as much, or necessarily jump to the worst case, I must have done something wrong scenario. An exercise I like from Dzogchen meditation is to "find out where a thought comes from." So, when a thought comes into the mind trace it back to where it originated. Everything else is just layers we put on top of it. I think haha. That's my interpretation but it's more of an exercise in trying. 

Sending you support,
dolly