Healing journal (tw) Angering / strong emotions

[StartingHealing]

Nov 12, 2023

Closing went through There were several ways that the former spouse could have screwed it up.  I was was carrying some tension around that.  the physical relief after I found out that the closing happened without incident was tremendous.  Thing have been doing the hurry up and wait thing.  Went rental inspecting yesterday and there was a few that met the criteria.  Course my list was very short anyway.

Friday was a purge day.  Lots of emotions leaving, some were making sure that they were noticed on the way out. 

Waiting to hear back from the agent that is helping me with the rental search.  She's waiting on hearing back from the agent that had a particular rental that I'm really interested in.  Perhaps tomorrow.

Still grinding on school work.  Wasn't able to put it on hold but it's ok.  I'm back to a point where I can focus on it now.  There for a spell my noggin wasn't having it.  Couldn't focus for sh_t.  Not to mention that the current course is well, not really interesting to me , but it's one of those things that I have to get through.

dolly, I am starting to believe that our stories that we tell ourselves about ourselves has a great deal of impact on us.  Not saying that the crap that happened didn't happen. But, s.o.b. I not only survived but I kept my sanity (25 year marriage to a person with a personality disorder) not to mention that I also kept my sh_t together going through the events around adoption.  The stats around adoptees are brutal.  4x higher risk for self deletion, mental issues, being in club fed, let alone being dangerously anti-social.  back in I think the 40's? there was a thing called the adopted child syndrome. That was code for those who deleted the adopting people / adopting family.  Seriously, it was a thing. Still is but now there is drugs to keep those kids zonked out to a point where they are basically zombiefied. 

If I look at the events through the eye of an author. ( getting a different perspective) How do I write the central character?  What's the difference between a character that is a victim or one that is on the hero's journey?  Maybe it's not a hero's journey, maybe it's just a refusal to stay down, a refusal to accept the b.s., to simply continue to get back up and keep moving forward to an unknown with the belief that it's gotta be better than what came before.  Dang, that's a very american idea. Think about it. How many people got so fed up with where they were that they were willing to go to an unknown place to create their own dream?  What happened to that uummphh? 

I've received feedback from a person that is a mentor to me and they have said recently that yes, I get knocked down, sometimes I have to catch my breath, yet time and time again, I get back up stronger, wiser, better.  it's nice to get outside validation from a person who I respect wholeheartedly. 

That's another thing. Is there actually such a thing as true objectiveness? Hmmm

Wishing all the brave souls here, all the best.

[Armee]

To a fresh start, and rising again. 

[StartingHealing]

11-13-2023

Take 3.  This is the third time I've attempted to write something. Started going off into some weeds that I didn't need to. This space is to focus on self and healing.

Plus I started explaining why I was not engaging as much with a different site. Like I was seeking approval or perhaps understanding from others here to support my justification of my actions.  That's not a good thing. 

Had a nice long walk with the doggo this AM. Had my herbs and vitamins and need to get some breakfast here in a little bit.  I've noticed the dam_nedest thing, my senses seem to be sharper. I don't know if it's due to me keeping everything squashed prior and now I am relaxing into allowing things to flow or what. Food tastes way better, sniffer is sharper, I'm perceiving better with my peepers, etc.  Course the downside is that I'm also much more aware of discomfort. Chuckle. Yeah, there are socks that the elastic is a bit to tight for day long wear.  That's ok though since now I can purchase new socks and not feel guilty for self care.

Got a plan together on which credit cards accounts to cancel, which ones to keep. How best to utilize them, etc.
Haven't heard back from the real estate agent that's helping me with the rental search.  Found one that I really like, price point is crazy good, and hurry up and wait. The agent that is helping me has got calls in to the listing agent so fingers crossed. Course it's still early here. Not yet 8:00AM.

Passed the final of the last class and now into the next. I have bout 70 days to pop the new class. Then next session, only 3 classes till sheepskin. IDK if I'll travel to a different state to go through the graduation ceremony. A small drawback from going to university 100% virtual. Don't have to decide that now.

Did get back on social media in a limited sense. Using it intentionally. I'm starting to recognize how my healing path is such that as I progress I'll be removing myself from certain groups as I go along.  Not saying that these groups are "bad" or are not helpful to others. It's a simple matter of "is group XYZ serving my highest and best?" if no then drop it with gratitude for the assistance in my healing path as I move forward.

If we are stories that we tell ourselves about ourselves and the stories that others have told us about us, the question is what kind of story do I accept as truth? For now. I say for now because I'm healing, developing, changing into someone different than the who I was before.  Will it serve my highest and best to keep beating on the drum of something that may not be applicable to me at this point in my path?  For new to come into existence the old has to be released. For every start there is an ending. Such is the way this realm is set up. I know that when I release the old, the new better shows up really really fast. Almost like the universe was waiting for me to get off the pot. Chuckle.

Time to go make some breakfast.

Wishing all here, all the best.
 

[sanmagic7]

 

[StartingHealing]

11-14-23

I don't know why having a date in a journal entry is important to me.  I think that it's so there is a better sense of time passage than if I didn't have the dates.  Kind of like having a book that wasn't put together in order, you would eventually get the gist of everything but getting there would be a P.I.T.A. 

Found out that it will take a couple of days for the management co to walk through the application and to do the background / credit check. 

I really am putting out there that I get that house to rent.  Even if it's only for 1 year.  It had really good vibes.

The hurry up and wait is difficult to do.  I have school work, but it's one of those things.  Used to be able to like super focus on things, with the whole bit of starting to feel "safe" I've noticed that my attention is more apt to wander.  Chuckle, maybe it's me returning back to a baseline that I didn't know or forgot that I had.

Having a hankering to get into some emotional type stuff.  Could be a ragged mess by the end but why not?  Been looking at myself in a different light.  Well, objectively speaking, I have had other people tell me how they see my strength, my courage, my shear refusal to quit. I may be bleeding, I may have a limb that refuses to operate, but if I'm breathing, I'm going to go forward.  As long as there isn't substances that f with muscle control.  I'll take the pain, the discomfort, I'll take all of that.  Yeah went into physical comparison. I've got lots of experience in that so to me that makes more "sense".  There was a time, was banged up pretty good, nothing busted, bone / tissue bruises. bout 40% of body, western MD had given me a muscle relaxer + a narcotic pain pill.  The combo was nasty.  Couldn't even get out of bed to crawl to bathroom.  Yeah, I've had to crawl to the bathroom before, bad case of flu, was so weak that couldn't walk, but dam-ed if I was gonna mess the bed.

I took myself off the mix o pills from the MD. Like nah, anything that f-s with my ability to move not a fan.  Course if the MD had taken more than 5 minutes there could have been something else for the rx. 

I've been finding zen koans rather interesting in seeing what kind of answers my cognitive brain comes up with.  In some ways they seem to me a much smaller paradox than what this realm is.  At least when it comes to humans.  As an example.  To receive from the environment you first must find it within.  That is truth.  Seems like a paradox but it's not.  Depends on point of view.  As I have been healing up, and recognizing that I'm a decent human being, the way other people interact with me has changed.  I have a waxed canvas fedora (Indiana jones adjacent)  that I typically wear out in public.  I got a compliment from a person who was sporting a nice felt hat circa 1940's (kind of like what Sinatra would wear in that time frame) and even though the sticks and bricks store was packed with people, I got treated with respect and dare I say at times consideration.  It was like the kindness and consideration I was showing others was being mirrored back but it was happening at the same moment. if that makes any sense.

Language gets difficult to use when there are concepts that don't fit into the typical causal lineal concepts. 

I've also noticed that typically I receive a compliment from folks that I don't know from adam / eve. 

What is the universe's message on all this?  Hmmm 

[StartingHealing]

What a day.  Started rough as he77.  Stressing over finding a rental.  The roomy isn't being as johnny on the spot with the stuff needed for a rental application.  Dam-nedest thing is I'm the only one that is going to be financially responsible for the rental. the roomy will be paying me. Yeah, well the roomy has management issues with $.

Ended up hitting FB after the almost 2 hour dog walk this morning. Trying to get a bead on what the blasted emotional mix I was dealing with.  There are a couple of private groups that I am in, one about personality disorders and one about adoption. Asking folks who are further down the path what in the every living was going on. 

Basically it boils down to that I'm in the absolutely typical response of healing.  One person mentioned that it was me detoxing from the BPD abuse.  In both realms of things.

Well, d-mn.  At least knowing that I'm in the the typical response of healing that helps put everything emotionally in perspective.  I can roll with it and allow the emotions to flow, which is also healing.

[StartingHealing]

11-18-23
Got approved for the rental.  Signing paperwork on Monday. Then can start moving stuff.  I'll get charged a prorated thing for the days before the 1st of Dec. 

At least then I can be out of the space that I have been in, that has so many connotations to negative sh_t.

[Hope67]

Hi StartingHealing,
That's great that you were approved for the rental.  Hope that your moving process goes smoothly.
Hope 

[StartingHealing]

Hi StartingHealing,
That's great that you were approved for the rental.  Hope that your moving process goes smoothly.
Hope 

Thank you Hope.

Honestly it's a freaking mixed bag emotionally right now. Happy, nervous, excited, and at the same time angry, sad, grieving, pissed off. 

But none of that is going to move stuff.

Guess I'll have to see how it goes.

Did get a decent pickup load to the rental yesterday.  Gonna shoot for 2 loads today and also to get the utilities active at the rental today as well. Plus getting an internet provider going.  Already got electrical power transfer in process. Got the other utilities for the former marital residence scheduled for shut off by the 30th. 

The emotional bag I figure is typical.  Sigh.

Wishing all here, all the best.

[StartingHealing]

11-27-2023

What a week.  Found a rental, signed paperwork on 20th, first load went that day. Final walk through on the  25th.
 Kinda missed T-day but in the big scheme of things didn't even miss it.  Had other things to fuss with.
 
Energetically? Vibe wise? it's about 20 mile distance wise, however for that it's sure a huge difference in emotional content.  At the former location, I never really felt, need to fire up the thesaurus because the usual words are some that the former spouse would use, repeatedly for her manipulations.  There is always a certain amount of risk involved in being alive.  For goodness sakes, a body could slip and fall in the shower you know? I'm also a capable person so my threshold is a fair bit higher than others.  All that being said, in the new to me place, I'm much more settled, more certain if you will.  Not to mention the .. I don't know if it's because of my vibe I'm putting out but damn, the folks are way more friendly, a lot easier to get along with, and seemingly a much better attitude generally speaking. Seriously, I've gotten more 'good mornings" "have a good one" "have a nice day" and even more cool is that the restaurant staff / owners seem to be truly appreciative of my business. Unlike my usual experience in the old location and it's environs.

Additionally, I feel a lot more "supported" in the new place.  I know that part of it is that with the move, and it's a rental, and very very few people know the address.  The ones that know it, have nothing to do with the former spouse.  that fact that she doesn't know my new address, so the low grade concern of a possible drive by, or that she would send someone to f with the house, is gone.  And since it's a rental, my name isn't showing up on the county clerk and recorders website of real estate owners. The last couple of things is new email addresses, and then after that a new cell #.  Then I'll have gone pretty much fully incognito from her and her crew of flying monkeys.  Another interesting thing is that although the new location is deeper in a metro area, the average cost of living is way less.  If memory serves it's 2% less expensive overall. I know it doesn't sound like much but 20$ per $1000, that adds up quick.  Big box home improvement store is 1.25 miles away. Local grocery is 1/2 mile away, gas station is 1/4 mile away, everything is so much more convenient.

I've slept deeper than I have in a very, very long time.  The neighborhood is working class, the folks there keep the houses up.  And it's quiet. Surprisingly quiet for being a stones throw away from a major thoroughfare.

I got enough of the critical things handled to where can live without to much hassle.  Still digging into boxes and the like for dry goods etc.  Have to configure where things go in the kitchen, etc.  Sometime this week I should be getting a washing machine.  One of those top load, basic, white enamel over steel ones.

Wishing all here all the best on their healing path.

[StartingHealing]

11-28-23

Oh mercy. I reckon that I'm still going through decompression.  IDK what kind of expectations I have of myself.  I mean, since late June 2022 till late Nov 2023 has been one * of a ride.  Strange that the actions were grouped together.  Maybe I needed some time to "play".  there is this game app that I'm currently playing that captured my focus yesterday, like hard.  Easy couple of hours "poof" but I did get through many levels of the game. 

Perhaps today after work, I'll be able to focus in on configuring the house some more.

Wishing all here all the best

[Armee]

It was a wild ride for sure and it'll take a good amount of time to fully shake it all off. But you've gotten yourself to a safe space now and that will make healing all that much faster.

[StartingHealing]

It was a wild ride for sure and it'll take a good amount of time to fully shake it all off. But you've gotten yourself to a safe space now and that will make healing all that much faster.

Very much so Armee. 

[StartingHealing]

12-3-23

Been a while since I have written here.  Took a while a couple of days back to read my posts here and also on outofthefog.  I have come a very long way from a year, year and 1/2 ago.  Weird how the processing of emotions goes on.  Currently I have a huge mix of emotions that there isn't like a "primary" emotion.  Guess the good thing is that I'm having them. Could be a movie title "The Man who Emoted All At Once" chuckle.  In all seriousness though, being in a new space, getting it set up, having plans for the space in the future.  Well, for many years I couldn't have "art" on the walls. Even if it was a calendar that had attractive to me images of nature, or the ocean or whatever. Now I have lots of wall space.  Don't want to fill fill it but to have some images that I could change out to new ones, or been thinking about getting a digital picture frame, are those still a thing?  I looked at a blue ray player and crap did those things get cheep.  The last one I bought was around $250 and the one I was looking at was like 60$.  Course it's been a few years.

AS I have been organizing, configuring, problem solving for workable solutions for things around the new place, I've made up my mind to reduce the amount of {fecal matter} I have.  Gotta say that some of it was really d-mn tough to part with.  That's the other thing that I have noticed, I have a tendency to hold on to things, tools, etc. even after I've moved on to something new.  I was going through a box and came across personal protective equipment from way way back.  Some pieces were from when I graduated high school. (USA) Most were from when I was working as a welder in the late 90's.  Nuts that I carried that across the country and never used it again.  I think the last time I welded was back in 2005 - 2006? if memory serves. I know why I kept that stuff.  It was something that I was good at.  Made a living doing it.  Something that was interesting to me.  D-mnedest thing, I was pressured into changing careers by the former spouse.  And now I'm letting the stuff that has meaning to me, I'm letting that go. 

I let go of the signs that a power sports mechanic vocational school gave me as well.  Another thing that had meaning to me. Something that I was good at, interested in, made a living at, until the little town had a huge economic shock because of nafta or cafta. The primary employers there had fabric / wire mills and within 90 days they had shut down the plants.  Hard to convince someone to spend money on a motorcycle, ATV, personal watercraft, when they are worried about bread and beans on the table.

I know I need to clean all this (fecal matter) out.  To let it go.  With letting it go then there is space for something new to come in.  For me anyway, having something physical that was like a touch stone for past achievements was really good because I could go touch and feel and 'remember' that I was that dude at one time.  That I achieved 3rd in State competition for stainless steel TIG welding, didn't die or break anything at the skiing celebration that happened a month after, and actually had fun doing it.  The dude that graduated not only at the top of the class, but also with the schools highest ever recorded GPA for powersports.  I do not have the words on how those touch stones helped me maintain my self and sanity while going through the marriage to a BPD.  But now, now I don't need them.  Least that is what it "feels" like at this point. 

I don't have the walking, talking, chaos generating, negativity spewing, black hole around to beat on me with her words, behavior, attitude, put-downs, (y'all know the usual litany of things personality disordered people do)

No lie, grieving, a ton of it, anger, happy, contented, etc. "The man who is emoting all at once"  Kinda wearying in a way.

Then again, Nov 2023 was one he77 of a month.  And it's only the 3rd of Dec.  All things considered, I think I'm doing mighty fine I reckon.  Wishing all here, all the best.

[StartingHealing]

Dec 10 2023.

Hm, was 7 days ago that I last posted here.  Perhaps I am reading to much into it but it appears that the better I am the less need I have to post?  or at least there isn't the "pressure" of needing to get something expressed.

Expressing, that's a rather large elephant * in the middle of my metaphorical living room.  There is the social programming because I'm a dude, then there is the adoptee programming, and then there is the typical processing which I have found to be usually thus for males. Event -> instinct -> reason -> emotion.  I wonder if I have always been more stoic by genetic inclination or is it from the events and programming that I have been through?  Growing up on a family dairy farm definitely provided experiences that gave me a different perspective of things. As an example, blizzards. Outside your control. You can feel whatever you feel but it doesn't change the fact that with the wind chill it's still -70 degrees F.  Which also meant that a long, hard, slog to get things operational again was coming.  Or on the other hand, floods.  Outside your control.  Gonna be a long hard slog to get back to operational status.  Cows don't care. They expect to be milked at least twice a day. And by the gods, you bent everything possible to make that happen. Plus feeding them, and ensuring that they had water to drink. 

Did you know for every gallon of milk a cow has to drink something like 8 gallons? 

I have figured out that there is a spot in my back, that first hinge point directly behind the bottom of my sternum, that really acts up with pain when I am not attending to my emotions.  Makes sense to me, considering that the bodies innate intelligence is way smarter than our conscious mind.  As such, it came up with a means to get me to pay attention.  When it starts sending signals of discomfort or pain, I start doing the belly breathing and then verbally speak the emotions that I am having at that moment.  For quite a while I didn't "get it" I didn't get the tie in from physical to emotional.  Really though, after really considering it, our bodies are reacting to emotions all the time.  It's the long term negative that f-cks us.  Stress, stuffed feelings, etc. 

I know that there are other factors like genetic disposition, physical weaknesses, etc.  yet, if you take all those variables out, looking at the results, high blood pressure, adrenal burnout, cognitive issues, etc. there is common ground there.

I have been finding myself smiling more of late towards holiday decorations.  I will say that there is a fair dose of the sad(s) attached as well.  Grieving still I think.  I remember the sh-tshow that would happen with the former spouse when decorating for the upcoming holiday. Did not matter which holiday it was.  I'm not going to get into Valentines day either. Yeesh.  That was ... ugggghhhh.

I've dropped off visiting 7cups. I could be totally mistaken here.  To my perception, it appeared that many members were not actively working on their program for recovery, health, healing, call it whatever.  That somehow 7cups was being used to maintain their victimhood.  If that makes any sense.  Listen, if I want to go down that road, I have a bunch of events that I could point to and go that route.  Being an adoptee is up there in terms of severe events.  Did you know that folks that have gone through the same event are represented at 4x normal distribution in various populations? Those that self delete, in jail, drop out of society, drug and alcohol abuse, cognitive disorders, and so on.  Add in that typically adults that adopt are not really looking out for the best interests of the child. there is a personality thing or something going on with them.  Meanwhile, the industry keeps up the propaganda of happy adoptee BS.  In a way the selling of humans hasn't stopped. They have changed the mask is all. 

Then physical trauma, I've been in shock so many times I know what to do, and that I'm in shock. I know the symptoms of being concussed. Lightly to severely. I know the difference in feeling of a bone bruise compared to a bone break.  What cuts or injuries are gonna need stitches and ones that don't.  I have places on my hands that have gonna barked so many times they don't even bleed anymore.  The difference between the flu that could kill you and the strain that won't.  And how to keep moving when every fiber in your being is so damn tired that you fall asleep standing up. How to keep the 5 senses grounded when your noggin is trying to create hallucinations because of lack of sleep.  Car accidents, motorcycle accidents, construction accidents, I like to say that me and life are in a full contact mode. Perhaps I'm very lucky or I have one he77 of a healing system because after all the physical, mental, emotional, mind you that the mental and emotional are ongoing, incidents? Events? I'm healing from all that mess.  Just need to get outta my own way.  Help the processes along instead of hindering it. 

Been considering some things.  Like for instance.  There is a process that happens when our bodies get injured to restore the body.  Where did the idea come from that process is only the physical?  Attempting to think holistically.  Certain foods affect mood, certain substances affect cognition.  Certain moods affect the body. So where does one stop and the other start?  Or is the idea that mind is separate from body and emotions are also separate a handy fiction or what?  If mood and emotion are truly separate then why does exercise help elevate mood and cognition? Even getting sunlight helps elevate mood.  If the thoughts we think affect our emotions which also affect the body then.. Do you see what I mean? Perhaps in this so called modern era, there has been a wee bit to much reductionist applied. 

Think about the hunter gatherer ancestors that we come from.  Think about what they would have experienced.  We are not that far removed from them. Being us, how did they handle things?  They didn't have the daily modern crap but there still was politics, interpersonal relationships, warfare, and so forth.  They didn't have the "knowledge" that we do yet they thrived for hundreds of thousands of years. Perhaps, the so called modern era is what is messing with us on a far larger scale that encourages behavior that runs counter to what our ancestors (us) was adapted for?   

Wishing all here all the best