Healing journal (tw) Angering / strong emotions

[StartingHealing]

12-12-2023

Today is another day where the emotions are very close to the surface.  Emotions will come out some d-mn how no matter what is going on.  Typical I guess.  I say that because of all the other events that I have been through and how my reactions to them fell smack dab into the typical range. I'm not attaching a story to the emotions as best as I'm able.  That is more difficult than it sounds.  As a human, the usual story creation aspect is there.  emotionally, there is a reservoir that needs draining. this is rather intense due that there are areas in my physical body that hurt.  And as the emotions get expressed then those areas hurt less.  That is not outside the pale of a typical human experience.

Now, in my current situation finally there is a safe space where I do not have to be concerned about any aspect of safety.  Allowing the healing to progress as it needs to.  Sometimes I think that I get in my own way in that regard.

Wishing all here all the best.

[StartingHealing]

12-15-2023

Interesting.  New phone came in.  Great piece of hardware and the camera system is phenomenal.  Future thinking when I choose it, I went with the best hardware I could get because I know it will be 4 years or longer before I get another one.  That's been my usual practice up to this point. 

Was reminded of something this morning.  On the dog walk this morning my noggin went weird.  The 4 cardinal directions were still there but the spatial location of my new place got flipped 180 degrees.  That point reminds me of the times in the past where my noggin would do something like this before as I was recovering from being severely concussed.  Makes sense to me that my wiring would be readjusting since I'm no longer in that toxic situation. 

There is a spot in my back that acts up pain wise when I get spun up emotionally.  However it has been getting better as in it hasn't been as tender. 

Looking like that I am moving towards health.   

Wishing all here all the best.

[StartingHealing]

Ahh the holiday season is upon the land and I'm doing well I think. (chuckle) Still have a bit of apprehension because honestly, I'm not used to the peace, the quiet, the not being beholden to another, that it's just me.  That I don't have to do X unless I want to.  Very strange going from the "have to" to eh, maybe I will, maybe I won't.

 There is still work but that is kind of a given.  Have to be of service of some sort to others to get the $ needed for the daily bread type thing. In my daily experience I don't think about the former spouse. At all. Where I do distinctly remember her being a large part of my thinking prior.   I do hear things occasionally from a 3rd party about her.  Now it's like eh, whatever.  Dam_edest thing though, she's having the exact same scenario happening but according to her I was the one 100% at fault. Truth does come out eventually I reckon.

 Have branched out and joined a FB group that engages in pen pal letter exchange. The preferred method is fountain pens and cursive writing.  there are some that use a manual typewriter.  That got me thinking    Perhaps in the future I shall acquire one and find a good service tech for it.  I'm discovering that while digital items are very handy, I mean crapola the device in my pocket has multiple times the processing power it took to land a person on the moon for Pete's sake, there is a fondness for analog, for mechanical things.  Typing was a mandatory class in high school.  The Royal 440 mechanical typewriters with the two tone ink ribbon was the devices that we had to use. My analog photography hobby brings me joy, and I prefer the camera that is 100% mechanical in nature.  The other one I have is a good camera but it has more electronics, and if the batteries go dead, so does the camera.  Both are using 35mm film.

Actually, my new mobile has a significant camera pack. Captures amazing images. yet, I still prefer the look and feel of an image that has been developed into an actual physical print.  It's amazing when I look through the negatives and that + light + paper results in a physical object that I can hold.  Not just pixels on a screen. Our thinking meat is hard leaning towards analog things. I think that at times digital is another level of abstraction that generally speaking we don't really know what the f is going on.

As the quiet and the peace seep slowly into the old woundings, many things get processed and the load of toxic shi-e is further reduced.  At times I wonder, as a passing thought how long it will take for me to return to a level comparable to where I was at the beginning of the marriage. 

To all the brave souls here, my wish is that you have a wonderful holiday season and a wonder filled new year!

[StartingHealing]

12-27-23

How weird.  My sense of time has become very mutable. I am attempting to remember the last time that was a happening thing.  Hm, to get so absorbed into something that the sense of time passing changes.  My feeling is that it has been many a year.  Strange how memory works. I do remember a time where it was so very important to me to have that elephantine memory. People, places, things, events, because then I would always know the truth about what happened.  Not really engaging in emotional content to the memories, rather more of a if you will detective style. on x date, at this time, person a said ________, person b said________, etc.  Perhaps that was an outgrowth of me wanting to be Spock from the original Star Trek series.

Not to say that there isn't memory that has an emotional charge to them.  there are.

Maybe the shift is due to the stack of supplements that I am currently taking.  I've added supplements that help with homocystine levels in the blood. Homocystine is an in-between amino acid, everyone has a certain amount circulating in the blood. Come to find out that a high level of it can cause hypertension. Also found out that with long periods of stress (living with a person that is personality disordered counts) it is typical for the human body to decrease protein breakdown into amino acids, leading to high homocystine levels.  An interesting aspect of the stack is that if someone isn't on pharmaceuticals there isn't any negative interactions and it actually helps with neuro-plasticity, smooth muscle recovery, and heart health.  perhaps I have been taking the stack for long enough that the beneficial effects have gotten to a point where I am finally noticing them.

Speaking of, I need to go take my stack and get some food.

Wishing all here, all the best

[StartingHealing]

Jan 3 2024

It's a new year.  Looking back over the events of the last two years.. Holy 5h-t.  Huge amount of changes.  All for the better.  Got through the holidays, niftiest thing is that I'm smiling more. That in itself is really cool.  Oh I remember many holiday seasons where it wasn't anything else going on except just getting through it.  The loose cannon per se. 

I'm not going to go down that path this time.  I feel that I've spent enough time / attention / energy on the fecal matter.  Things that you put your attention on, gets bigger. 

I have added methylene blue to my stack.  The research on it has shown that it not only helps cognition but also the reducing of negative memories. Breaks up the neural net, and also helps reset the hippocampus.  I'm thinking that a holistic approach, you know?   

[Armee]

 

Congrats on a new and very very different start to the new year!

Hey...be careful with the supplements? I'm sure the doses are quite low of the things you take and its probably all good and you do your research. This one just caught my attention as I remember it from way back in the day when I got my degree in toxicology (like pharmacology but for non-medicines...environmental toxins and the treatment of poisoning etc). This one...methylene blue can cause toxicity esp when used in combination with SSRIs...same class of drugs as say Prozac. Not trying to lecture at all I think it's great you are taking your health seriously. That's great and better than me for sure. Just be cautious as you add supplements. There are lots of weird interactions out there you might not stumble across...either between supplements or with other medications or health conditions. Ok I hope I didn't offend in anyway. Keep on keeping on with recovery and with health!   

[StartingHealing]

Congrats on a new and very very different start to the new year!

Hey...be careful with the supplements? I'm sure the doses are quite low of the things you take and its probably all good and you do your research. This one just caught my attention as I remember it from way back in the day when I got my degree in toxicology (like pharmacology but for non-medicines...environmental toxins and the treatment of poisoning etc). This one...methylene blue can cause toxicity esp when used in combination with SSRIs...same class of drugs as say Prozac. Not trying to lecture at all I think it's great you are taking your health seriously. That's great and better than me for sure. Just be cautious as you add supplements. There are lots of weird interactions out there you might not stumble across...either between supplements or with other medications or health conditions. Ok I hope I didn't offend in anyway. Keep on keeping on with recovery and with health!   

No offense taken. I do appreciate your concern.  Sometimes the difference between health and harm is dosage. the amount of methylene blue is exceptionally low.
  .1 mcg per kilogram of body weight and that is at best a every other day single dose.  And not only is it USP grade it also has 3rd party testing per batch.  I am not using any pharmaceuticals of any type outside the occasional aspirin / acetaminophen. I realize that the common idea is to "fix ______ now" and that does lead to more problems. I am also not using skullcap, passion flower, Valerian, GABA, etc. I have checked to see if there are any contra-indicators for every supplement that I am currently ingesting. Other than the cautions with methylene blue and SSRI - MAO inhibitors I have not come across anything.

I'm also taking it slow.  You have to consider that it took a long time for things to get to where they are, and that means it's going to take some time to get back to a state like I was before all the BS.

Wishing you all the best.

[Armee]

Relieved I didn't offend and way to go doing your research!

[Papa Coco]

HI SH,

I'm glad the Holiday stress is behind us also. I'm glad you're feeling some holiday relief.

I'll chime in with the medication conversation just to say that I'm glad to hear you are cautious and keeping the dosages low.  Good luck with all that. I've made some dumb mistakes in the past with medications and have learned my lesson. I tend to be a "If a little is good, then a lot is better" kind of a thinker, which isn't a smart way to handle my intakes. I'm glad you're smarter than that.

Happy New Year: Happy NO MORE holidays for a while.

[dollyvee]

Hi SH,

It sounds like you're getting some time to do the things you want to do after being in your new space. I'm sure it's helpful for the body to be able to relax like that and explore some new things.

I've had success in helping some of my cptsd anxiety by working with some body stuff that is/was going on (mycotoxins, gut health, good b vitamins) and can appreciate some of the benefits of supplements. You might have already read into it, but there is some research on the MTHFR mutation which affects homocystine in the body, which then in turn has an impact on neurotransmitters. There is of course debate about how much it is a factor etc, but might be of interest.

Sending you support,
dolly

[StartingHealing]

HI SH,

I'm glad the Holiday stress is behind us also. I'm glad you're feeling some holiday relief.

I'll chime in with the medication conversation just to say that I'm glad to hear you are cautious and keeping the dosages low.  Good luck with all that. I've made some dumb mistakes in the past with medications and have learned my lesson. I tend to be a "If a little is good, then a lot is better" kind of a thinker, which isn't a smart way to handle my intakes. I'm glad you're smarter than that.

Happy New Year: Happy NO MORE holidays for a while.

PC, I too used to be of the mindset of if a little was good then more is better.  Those situations didn't turn out well. 

 The holidays.. This may be a bit weird but bear with me,  I know that it's not the holidays fault that there is / was, hopefully reducing, negative connotations with dates on a calendar.  I've realized that it's not the anything to do with the wheel of the year.  It's the lived experiences of being in a relationsh-t with an personality disordered individual whose patterns of behavior were such that being around them during times of the year that are supposed to be primarily positive, was at times quite literally he77 on earth.

 There was no correlation to causation in that the same actions I took, depending on which jacked up movie she was attempting to play out, had any type of similar effects.  Then she would in a fit of rage, yell at me at why I didn't do certain things any more. As an example, I used to leave little notes for her to find.  I used to come home from work with flowers, or there were times I'd mail her a card.  After a long while of one time I would do these things, and it was appreciated, then the next 10 times it was because I was attempting to gloss over my shortcomings, if it was a 1 out of 10 split.  Thinking about it, it was more like a 1 in 20, maybe a 1 in 30 split.  I realize now that it was a great deal of projection on her part.  Yet her expectation that I would continue to do the actions that resulted in me getting accused of cheating on her, not giving a da-n, I'm just doing it to manipulate her, SMH.

 Not even animals would continue to do the same behavior with it weighted to negative consequences vs a minuscule amount of positive reinforcement. If you want more of a certain behavior, then positive reinforcement you know?  Such was not in case apparently according to her. 

I've self reflected on my wants, desires, what I was really looking for in the relationsh-t. I don't think I was requiring anything outlandish. Respect as a person, kindness, consideration, having the outlook that it's both of us as a team, each with their own strengths and weaknesses.  Two distinct individuals that could prioritize each other over themselves. Sigh.  That common baseline, I mean seriously, how much more could this be simplified?  Was to much for her. 

I'm a member of a BPD survivors group on FB and it is scary. The down deep level of OMFG! scary. I mean, when considering the possibilities that another person, in a different country (so this isn't a developed nations only issue), with differing genetic lines, differing societal influences, language, etc. To have the same patterns of behavior?!?!?!  Like what in the ever-living is going on here?  There is a member that has concluded that there is a overarching malevolent force that is responsible for the same patterns of behavior.  I mean even from a evolutionary viewpoint, what kind of survival benefit is there for a personality disorder?  Using the accepted metric of familial groups, tribal in a larger sense, one would think that natural selection on who could reproduce, would be a downward pressure, a push to eliminate these behaviors due to limited people in the group.  You had to depend on the other members doing their part in order for you to survive and get to a point in sexual maturity to reproduce.  Personality disordered people, IMO do not fit into that paradigm. I wonder what is driving the increase in personality disordered people.  Excluding the hunter-gatherer groups, is it because generally speaking humans have such a easier time surviving now than in prior eons? Or is it some sort of unknown manifestation due to abnormalities introduced because of the forever chemicals that are in the environment?  There is DDT, Teflon, PFSA's, I found out that the average american eats the equivalent amount of plastic that is contained in 5 credit cards annually. Like *? What is that doing to us? I'm not going to get into the broad-spectrum antibiotics, or the synthetic hormones that end up in drinking water from insecticides, or that for some reason testosterone levels world wide have been falling since the 1950's. 

I know I got off in the weeds there.  Chalk it up to a stream of consciousness type of thing. 

Let me see, it will be 2 years in June of this year that I've been NC with the former spouse. Comparing my daily experience now, compared to the "best" (if one can use that term) of days, {excluding the love bombing phase} it is so much better.  My days are simple, the living space is calm, the food surprisingly tastes way better, I am more apt to smile and be social, I'm much more content without be complacent.  The dead weight that had been holding me back has been jettisoned,  and I can breathe freely and easily. 

Wishing all the brave souls here, all the best

[StartingHealing]

Hi SH,

It sounds like you're getting some time to do the things you want to do after being in your new space. I'm sure it's helpful for the body to be able to relax like that and explore some new things.

I've had success in helping some of my cptsd anxiety by working with some body stuff that is/was going on (mycotoxins, gut health, good b vitamins) and can appreciate some of the benefits of supplements. You might have already read into it, but there is some research on the MTHFR mutation which affects homocystine in the body, which then in turn has an impact on neurotransmitters. There is of course debate about how much it is a factor etc, but might be of interest.

Sending you support,
dolly

Dolly, I haven't read that particular study however, I have linked several things together. My birth father died from a heart attack when he was in his mid-40's.  I do not know if was related to anything in particular. The maternal side besides having a weakness to alcohol, there were several folks who did not eat well, and smoked the majority of their lives, lived to some ripe old ages.  Late 80's early 90's before leaving this realm.  Being adopted when it comes to medical history sucks.  Considering that about half of all high blood pressure cases that are diagnosed in the USA have no observable causes, and then plugging in that the body can and does modify gene expression (turning them on or off) based on environmental signals, then taking into account the high stress environment I was exposed to for 2 and 1/2 decades, then having high blood pressure readings a while back when through my entire life up to that point I consistently had low blood pressure, I thought that it was a very strong possibility that due to the stress I was going through, definitely possible that my gene expression changed affecting the ability to correctly process protein leading to a high level of homocysteine levels which can cause high blood pressure.   Then when researching the supplements for reducing homocysteine levels I discovered that there isn't a down side.  Yes there are specific forms of B vitamins etc which I haven't found at the local "health food" store. Amazon to the rescue.  Shoot, just the neural protective and antioxidant benefits are quite good.

Then a pod cast that I follow, former military, Army ranger, been through the wringer in many areas, PTSD, TBI's, divorce, etc. brought up Methylene Blue as a supplement.  Dug into that and while at extremely high doses there are side effects, at the lower end of dosages it is beneficial in overall neural function. I don't know if it's a placebo effect or not. Generally speaking, the benefits are better cognition, memory retention and the reduction of learned fear responses (that is from animal testing) Considering that our entire body is a neural net, one could extend the benefits of better cognition to every aspect of the human body that requires nerve impulses to operate. Just the fact that it has a reducing effect of fear responses?  Sounds like one heck of a good deal.

Taken together, my experience is such that my estimation of a beneficial synergistic effect has been born out. Again, I do not know if it's a placebo effect or not.  Even if it is a placebo effect, the results are what matters right?  Add that to my daily walks, spiritual practice, being a member of a group who has gone through the same crapola I have in regards to personality disordered people, etc. To me a fairly good holistic approach in my quest to heal.  I don't have an end point defined in my healing journey. Just trying to be a little better than I was before.

Wishing you all the best

[dollyvee]

Hi SH,

I'm on board with a holistic approach. I see the body mind connection as a circle - sometimes it's the mind influencing the body, and sometimes it's the body influencing the mind. I'm also on board with genetic expression, and differences, as what works for one, might not work for another. Of course, there is a degree of science behind explaining why this is so.

After having gone through trauma my whole life and elevated states of stress, I noticed a particular shift at a certain time and no longer had "energy." It got worse over the years, and sometimes better, which was confusing until I saw a functional medicine practitioner who helped put the pieces together. I have an issue with mycotoxin, and most like have CIRS which is genetic. I'm pretty sure both my dad and gm had this. Dad's side for sure, m's side could be other factors. I went through a lot of ups, downs, and dead ends trying to work it out. Some were puzzle pieces that I didn't have the whole picture for (like bad gut bacteria, or hydrogen sulfide SIBO which I had, but was unaware that mycotoxins can be a root cause). It also rewires your nervous system and is a neurotoxin. It's been a year and a bit since I started treating mycotoxins (and microdosing which is also said to help). My weight has gone down since, roughly to the week, that I started, which was one of my only outward symptoms along with much less "body anxiety" as I call it. Probably from reduced inflammation levels and the md helping modulate the inflammation.

Anyways, a lot of doctors etc told me it was just in my head because my test results were normal. Sometimes it takes a while before things come clear. You just have to do what you feel like is working for you (I guess within specific reason of course). I always did a ton of research and sounds like you do too.

B vitamins are great, and anything you don't need is simply removed through the kidneys. I take a form of methylated folate (yeah online shopping!). At first, I had symptoms of "overmethylation," runny nose, feeling quite hyper etc. I read that sometimes when we first experience overmethylation it can be because our body is so low on these vitamins that it goes into to this state to "catch up." I stuck with it for a bit, keeping a close eye on it, and they eventually disappeared. I don't think that's the case with everyone, but for me it worked. A functional methylation cycle is also important for detoxing, creating neurotransmitters, and energy. All which can also have a direct effect on mood. For me, a lot of helpful pieces in dealing with cptsd came through dealing with stuff going on in the body.

Wishing you all the best too on your journey and if you're interested:
https://www.ahajournals.org/doi/10.1161/CIRCULATIONAHA.114.013311

dolly

[Papa Coco]

SH

The time you spent married to a BPD must have felt like living in a tornado that just kept circling you in unpredictable random flight paths, occasionally destroying what matters to you, and sometimes just near missing it. I can see how that kind of erratic, unpredictable behavior can bring on so much confusion and, I'll say it, even anger. My elder sister was the BPD in my life. She kept me and my entire FOO in chaos for the 50 years I knew her. It took a long time for me to get her out of my head after I went No Contact with the entire family. It took years to get myself to stop trying to predict and prepare for whatever erratic or violent reactions she would have to anything I might say or do. And I wasn't married to her, so I can only imagine that your BPD's unpredictable attacks were even more difficult to break free from than mine were.

I describe my BPD person as a monster, which, for me, is a precisely accurate word to use: A problem can be solved. A giant can be gentle. A beast can be harnessed. But a monster can't be tamed, or predicted, or used for good in any situation. We call our big trucks "beasts" because they're strong and big and with their help we can move mountains. But when we use the word "monster" we are usually describing an unpredictable, dangerous, untamable creature that has the power to do catastrophic harm, and often without justification, warning or reason. So, I call my BPD relative a monster. She had no legitimate reason to tell all the lies that did so much damage to my entire family for decades on top of decades. She only stole and lied and destroyed lives because she wanted to. She was a monster. She was compelled to harm others in order to feed her illness. She was a monster. An unpredictable, untamable monster. Period.

It's great that you have found a BPD survivor's group. I hope they can help you put some distance between what you've been through and what you want for future relationships. BTW, I LOVE your term: Relationsh-t! I'm going to start using it myself when it fits in conversations.

I share your theories about why the world seems to be going crazy. All your theories resonate with me too. The Chemicals, the plastic, the failing air quality and water quality everywhere, and, I can also comment on your thought that an easy survival isn't helping the world. To me, an easy survival allows the mind to make up dramas that weren't there organically. Maslow's hierarchy of needs has been addressed for a lot of people. Many of us are now reaching the Self-actualization phase, having no need to chop wood, or wash clothes in the creek with a rock and a bar of homemade soap. We have pretty easy lives now, and that brings to life that old saying that "Idle hands are the devil's playground." That ancient phrase seems to be playing out in the world today.

In one of my favorite TV Documentaries, Inner Worlds, Outer Worlds, the authors say that ancient religions often teach that our hearts are connected to good, but our thoughts cause all the problems mankind faces. If we just followed our hearts, the way nature does, we would live in harmony with the earth, with each other, and with the animals and plants. But our brains think, and invent, and worry, and blame, and seek revenge, and seek to compete rather than corroborate. Our brains start making goals, and every time we invent something, we create more problems than we solve. Wars aren't fought from the heart; they're fought over people thinking about how much they want other people's land or resources. (I'm currently learning how to feel the desires of my heart, as I've been living in my head for far too long).

Your last paragraph is awesome! It's nice to see that in barely a year and a half, you are already enjoying calm, and that food tastes better. On the day that I realized my sister was out of my life forever, I felt like I was walking 6 inches above the ground. Food tasted better. The colors of the world were brighter.

Thank you for sharing your story. You've helped me remember how much I have to be grateful for now that my own personal BPD drama-queen is gone.

Wishing you all the best in return.

[StartingHealing]

Hi SH,

I'm on board with a holistic approach. I see the body mind connection as a circle - sometimes it's the mind influencing the body, and sometimes it's the body influencing the mind. I'm also on board with genetic expression, and differences, as what works for one, might not work for another. Of course, there is a degree of science behind explaining why this is so.

I also include spirituality in the holistic circle with body / mind. There is an interesting thing as well, what really is mind?  Is it some sort of quantum effect?  They did studies on people that meditate on the regular and holy crap, their physical measurements were in the range of up to 20 years their younger. :O

After having gone through trauma my whole life and elevated states of stress, I noticed a particular shift at a certain time and no longer had "energy." It got worse over the years, and sometimes better, which was confusing until I saw a functional medicine practitioner who helped put the pieces together. I have an issue with mycotoxin, and most like have CIRS which is genetic. I'm pretty sure both my dad and gm had this. Dad's side for sure, m's side could be other factors. I went through a lot of ups, downs, and dead ends trying to work it out. Some were puzzle pieces that I didn't have the whole picture for (like bad gut bacteria, or hydrogen sulfide SIBO which I had, but was unaware that mycotoxins can be a root cause). It also rewires your nervous system and is a neurotoxin. It's been a year and a bit since I started treating mycotoxins (and microdosing which is also said to help). My weight has gone down since, roughly to the week, that I started, which was one of my only outward symptoms along with much less "body anxiety" as I call it. Probably from reduced inflammation levels and the md helping modulate the inflammation.

Dolly, I think that there are many things that have come up recently as far as causes for human illness.  The industrial food system in the "developed" countries has created many a problem.  May I ask what you are micro dosing? There is a growing thing where certain psychedelics are micro dosed to increase the healing factor within the human grey matter. There are very interesting results coming out in that some studies indicate that they are effective in treatment of PTSD, CPTSD, TBI, even up to people reporting spiritual experiences.
 There is also a theory that psilocybin containing mushrooms were the trigger that pushed the rapid development (in evolutionary terms) of the homo superior superiors cerebral cortex. There is also the concept that every human ill can be healed / cured with plants.

Anyways, a lot of doctors etc told me it was just in my head because my test results were normal. Sometimes it takes a while before things come clear. You just have to do what you feel like is working for you (I guess within specific reason of course). I always did a ton of research and sounds like you do too.

I am not suggesting a deep dive into the history of modern medicine. I did that and it really put everything into a context where the current practice of a synthetic molecule is for a singular issue.  My wake up call was many years ago where the broad spectrum antibiotic was not being effective in a sinus infection. I then started researching into herbs, vitamins, etc.  I found this site in regards to vitamins. http://orthomolecular.org/  Worth the read.

B vitamins are great, and anything you don't need is simply removed through the kidneys. I take a form of methylated folate (yeah online shopping!). At first, I had symptoms of "overmethylation," runny nose, feeling quite hyper etc. I read that sometimes when we first experience overmethylation it can be because our body is so low on these vitamins that it goes into to this state to "catch up." I stuck with it for a bit, keeping a close eye on it, and they eventually disappeared. I don't think that's the case with everyone, but for me it worked. A functional methylation cycle is also important for detoxing, creating neurotransmitters, and energy. All which can also have a direct effect on mood. For me, a lot of helpful pieces in dealing with cptsd came through dealing with stuff going on in the body.

I don't remember the exact studies but it's starting to look like methylated B vitamins are processed differently and are more effective in the human body. One thing that I have learned is that the RDA is not for health, it's the minimal required for approximately 80% of humans to not acquire the typical "diseases" associated with nutritional deficits.   Hope that what I have put here can help you in some manner. 

Wishing you all the best too on your journey and if you're interested:
https://www.ahajournals.org/doi/10.1161/CIRCULATIONAHA.114.013311

dolly