Healing journal (tw) Angering / strong emotions

[NarcKiddo]

I agree with Papa C that normal does not exist. I think it is a useful construct when used as a starting point for various things. Like, what range of blood readings is "normal". Also, what is "normal" for an individual? For instance, I started taking my temperature every day during Covid (no idea why, seemed like a good idea at the time) and have continued. This is actually kind of useful because I have discovered my "normal" body temperature tends on the low side. So a reading towards the high end of "normal" as per Dr Google is actually on the high side for me and means I need to watch that I am not getting sick.

I don't think it is at all a useful construct when working out whether our behaviour or reactions are "normal". Even if someone is behaving in a patently unacceptable way, such as going round attacking people, how does it benefit anyone to say "ooh, that person is clearly not normal", when what they actually should be doing is stopping the person from doing the attacking and finding out a way to help/prevent them doing it again?

I have often said to my T "is this normal?" or "would a normal person think/do this?" and she always pulls me up on it, asking me what is normal and why I think there is some sort of objective "normal"parameter to judge myself against.

[StartingHealing]

Hiya PC 

Thank you kindly.  I have been told I have a way with words, maybe I'll become a wordsmith when I grow up.  Maybe not.  I am working on a book though.

Mercy sakes, Before I go off on a rant, just look at the history of "public" edumication in the USA. Rockefeller and Ford had a hand in it.  Yeah. Need warm bodies for the assembly line that didn't create trouble for the business.   Anyway, interestingly there has been a longitudinal study done (its in the US, don't remember the state where it was conducted) on kids as they went through the process of edumication and the results are that it kills creativity, it kills thinking outside of the box, it's only for indoctrination,  Memorization and regurgitation, the fear of taking a chance on being incorrect. In other words it takes geniuses and turns them into non playing characters.  NPC's, 

I got into trouble with many math teachers because I would ask them how to apply something and they had no answers.  Geometry, Algebra, yada yada, no answers given.  Wasn't until I got into welding that the geometry, trig, and algebra being applied to this reality, then it stuck!

Like history. History with only dates sucks.  Take the dates out and dig into the real history, now that is d-mned interesting.  Fer instance, Revolutionary days in the US, John Hancock was an independent booze importer, wink wink. Washington used cannabis and no cherry trees were involved. Franklin was a "rolling stone" nudge, nudge.  The taxes the Crown imposed wasn't on tea, it was on anything and everything related to brewing / distilling hooch. Kinda like how Canada imposed a carbon tax on every step of the economic chain.  these fellas were basically cut off at the knees economically.  Add in that folks were also being forced to house and feed the British armed forces at the time along with forced conscription, personal property could be confiscated without recourse (that sounds familiar) and for profit prisons (also too damned familiar) kangaroo courts,  I can see how they would get pissed off.

The advertising industry is sheer evil.  It's a propaganda arm of various powers that be.  Seriously.  Add in the "entertainment" industry and the narratives that get pushed, meanwhile the 24/7 news cycle keeps folks in fear which places them into very high suggestive state.

Every era has it's sh-te that was put forward to be normal for that time.  What puts the burr under my saddle is all the agenda's that are going on now.  I'm like you PC. If you are an adult then laissez-faire.  What ever y'all want to do. Cool. As long as it doesn't target children and/or infringe on others. Now tho, when a parent speaks out at a school board meeting they get reported to a 3 letter federal agency as a possible terrorist because of the explicit material that's in the school library? 

I remember those growth spurts. I don't know about the sleep thing.  Growing up on the farm, there were chores in the morning and the cows didn't care. I think it's kind of like how nature does things you know?  load up on stored energy, minerals, etc, and when summer hits, the biological switch to grow quickly gets triggered.  Winter isn't a good time for that. Fall your loading up to get through the winter, spring your recovering from winter, and when it's right timing, boom. there was still growth during the other seasons, but far more measured and slow.  Saw the same thing with the critters on the farm.

I never had a growth spurt where I went through a shoe size in 2 weeks.  My fastest was like 3 months.  Course with the physical labor I was doing, that probably impacted my spurts.

I'm with you PC.  Happy is far far better than "normal" (whatever the he77 that means)

Wishing you all the best

[Papa Coco]

SH,

One thing that I've come to believe for my own healing is that any treatment I pursue that involves a blend of physical and spiritual concepts works. Any treatment that is only physical is just me spending money and time on chasing a carrot.

To clarify: I am not religious. I believe spirituality is more a sense of believing that I'm connected with others in a bigger picture than I can see with my eyes. I personally don't profess to know what "god" is, but I do feel some sense of connection to all things. So I sometimes call it God, but only as an umbrella term that means: I don't know what the energy is, but I feel it, so I focus on it. It brings me peace. It teaches me how to love instead of fight for power or ego.

That being said, I have read and reread The Seat of the Soul about a dozen times now. The author, Zukav, has a chapter on power that has helped me to see through all the advertising and corporate and abusive power that I witness every day in real life and TV and movies. People who choose to obtain power on the horizontal (Physical) path can never get enough of it. They're on a treadmill that goes nowhere fast. They get what they think they want, which is to control others, but then discover that it didn't make them feel safe, so they try a little harder to do it wrong again. And then again. And then again.

They succeed to destroy the lives of others, and create servants out of creative thinkers, but in the end, they die miserable and unsatisfied. Physical power only lasts as long as you're breathing. In the end, we all die alone and take nothing with us past the deathbed.

I've been learning that while these abusive physical giants take what they want from me, I have a choice to join them on the horizontal path, which only sends me into anger and frustration, or to learn the ways of spiritual thinkers and look for my power on the vertical path, which feeds my soul more than my body.

I don't connect with religions, but I do read about the ways that some of them teach how to let go of things that I can't control, and to find my bliss within myself and any connection I have with any higher level of consciousness or existence. To me, spirituality is simply believing that what's happening in the physical world is not all there is. It's a sense of connection to energy that's bigger than myself. It's a connection to Love rather than to fear. Corporate greed is driven by fear and competitive thinking. It's a treadmill. Nobody ever wins that game. It drives the monsters crazy in the end.

Yesterday I started reading a book I found online called Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender, by David R. Hawkins. It's not religion based, he's a Psychiatrist who has discovered that letting go of emotion heals the body and the mind. I'm already a third the way through and its proving to be very helpful for me to find the way to letting go of my anger at the world. My stomach is so sick because of my lifelong stress that I'm at a point where it's do-or-die. Sadly I sometimes need to hit rock bottom before I'll reach for help. I think I'm at rock bottom with my ulcers and digestive system. If I don't learn to let go now, I don't know how much longer I'll be around.

Narcissists are known for being miserable people who pretend to be proud of themselves. The more they hate themselves, the more they treat us with cruelty. They are said to be insanely jealous of the fact that we are able to be loved and they are not. Some of them are coming out and writing books now, telling the world how miserable they are because they know they can't feel love and they wish they could. They admit that they do harm because it's the only emotion they can connect with.

They mistakenly believe that horizontal power is what they need to feel like they are in power. They tend to become more erratic and out of control as they age, in part, I believe, because they can't stop running on the treadmill of trying to fight their way into happiness. I think that's part and parcel to the old saying "Power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely." Because, like a gambling addict who keeps thinking the next roll of the dice will be the one, they keep thinking the next person they take something from will be the victim to finally make them happy. The more they fail at finding joy, the more they believe they need to try harder to hurt their way into happiness with just a little bit more stolen power.

And with the explosion of billionaires on the earth now, those sorry souls have more power to hurt more people in their search for stolen happiness. What they think is their advantage is just a longer rope to hang themselves with in the end.

As the world becomes more and more dangerous, I am being driven more and more to letting go of it, and finding my peace in moments of quiet meditation, and feeling gratitude for who I am and for having been blessed to not be a narcissist. I can see how some narcissists are born and some are created by circumstance, so I feel like I can thank whatever power I feel above me, for allowing me to escape that horrible affliction of trying to find happiness by hurting others.

I would rather be a nail than a hammer because in the end, nails keep the house together while the hammer is eventually tossed aside and forgotten. I find more comfort in reaching for power on the vertical path of life and letting the hammers have the horizontal path. In the end, even the billionaires will die alone and broke.

[StartingHealing]

I agree with Papa C that normal does not exist. I think it is a useful construct when used as a starting point for various things. Like, what range of blood readings is "normal". Also, what is "normal" for an individual? For instance, I started taking my temperature every day during Covid (no idea why, seemed like a good idea at the time) and have continued. This is actually kind of useful because I have discovered my "normal" body temperature tends on the low side. So a reading towards the high end of "normal" as per Dr Google is actually on the high side for me and means I need to watch that I am not getting sick.

I don't think it is at all a useful construct when working out whether our behaviour or reactions are "normal". Even if someone is behaving in a patently unacceptable way, such as going round attacking people, how does it benefit anyone to say "ooh, that person is clearly not normal", when what they actually should be doing is stopping the person from doing the attacking and finding out a way to help/prevent them doing it again?

I have often said to my T "is this normal?" or "would a normal person think/do this?" and she always pulls me up on it, asking me what is normal and why I think there is some sort of objective "normal" parameter to judge myself against.

NarcKiddo,

If you think about it, using the word "normal" is a falsity.  "Generally" or "typically" has a clearer connotation doesn't it?

Good example with the body temperature. 

Yet, how many decisions are made by a misguided idea of what "normal" means?  I agree that there isn't a external standard / parameter to judge oneself against in that regard. There is perhaps social feedback that could be considered a loose, non-objective, generalized, vague, hint, that varies depending on which group of humans your interacting with. 

In your example of a person running around infringing on others physically, that would take physical intervention to stop it at that time.  Problem being that now, unless your a part of the "state" a private individual is at risk of lawfare if they step into that situation.  Even if it is on video.

[natureluvr]

StartedHealing said

"Anyway, interestingly there has been a longitudinal study done (its in the US, don't remember the state where it was conducted) on kids as they went through the process of edumication and the results are that it kills creativity, it kills thinking outside of the box, it's only for indoctrination,  Memorization and regurgitation, the fear of taking a chance on being incorrect. In other words it takes geniuses and turns them into non playing characters.  NPC's, "

I couldn't agree more.  That explains a lot of things for me, too.  I did read the first few posts of your journal to get your back story, and just want to say that I wish you lots of healing and recovery from the toxic ex that you are recovering from.  I also enjoy your style of writing and sense of humor!  That speaks a lot to your recovery.

Papa Coco, you have some amazing insights into narcissism.  It really helped me, so thank you. 

[StartingHealing]

 natureluvr said " I couldn't agree more.  That explains a lot of things for me, too.  I did read the first few posts of your journal to get your back story, and just want to say that I wish you lots of healing and recovery from the toxic ex that you are recovering from.  I also enjoy your style of writing and sense of humor!  That speaks a lot to your recovery."

Natureluvr,
thank you for the best wishes.  Not only the toxic former but also the closed adoption. Typical kid, put into a jacked situation, and from there, all the twisted strands ended up in me getting into the situation with the former loose cannon. 

Wishing you all the best

[StartingHealing]

May 23 2024

I was asked why I make sure to place dates into the various journals I write.  It's for seeing the progress, at least generally speaking the Georgian calendar is a somewhat accurate way to measure the amount of solar returns, and to mark events that are of import.  Course the current calendar is all kinds of messed up since nothing really relates to anything astrophysical in nature.  What's so wrong with months that follow the moon?  that's a pretty da-ned consistent way to tell the passage of time.  Solstices, equinoxes, nah.. won't go down that rabbit hole today, except to say that humans been trying a loooonnnngggg time to break free of the cycles of nature and now in the developed world, we have basically done that and generally speaking, in the 1st world, people are miserable. 

Anyway, as I am getting closer to my solar return, I've been having more insights.  Don't know if they are bubbling up from me or if they are coming from the All there is.  Either way, it's stuff that helps explain a lot of shi-e.  Pattern, Pattern, where is the f-cking pattern, which has been made clear.  Lot's of threads going back to genetic parentage, the patterns of each of them FOO, and how that played out in their behavior, set against the morals in the location of that time that resulted in me being here.  You know, it has been posited that the present influences the past as well as the future, spooky action at a distance basically from the quantum physics folks, and that has me a wondering on what kind of ritual do I need to do to get the inner most me, the soul if you will, to flip the switch and I'm the being that I was intended to be.  Granted much of this is based off my own perception and as such I know it's biased.  Being in the space where one can see the threads, hooking, attaching, distorting, existing through the experience of time, influencing me to do or not do certain things. Meanwhile, also being cognizant of the propaganda that I accepted as truth at the time.  Maybe it is because I'm on the back nine as it were, and no lie, I have feelings of anger towards the grand societal bu775hit propaganda that I was indoctrinated into. Realizing that the PTB are not stopping with it, it's that with the distributed nature of the 'Net it allows others to share the 'cracks' in the facade that they have ran across.  I've been a bit skeptical about "official" narratives anyway. Kind of hard not to since the "official" narrative concerning adoption is one of happy happy joy joy and yet my lived experience is at best not that.  Yes there were good times, yes there were happy times, yes, growing up without genetic mirrors f-cks with a person very deeply, yes, not being genetically related does cause a difference in treatment in the adopted child VS natural born.  The adoption industry in 2020 cleared something like 2 billion in revenue in the US alone.  Best interests of the child my buttocks. 

Same thing with the $ situation.  Inflation is a slow tax.  He77's Bells, even if the yearly rate is "only" 2%, that's minimum of a 20% reduction in value in a decade.  The fed govmt, even with cooking the books, and using those numbers, sigh.  Here is a link if anybody wants to see.. https://bls.gov/data/inflation_calculator.htm  Warning, it will piss ya off.  BTW they don't include food or fuel in that calculator.

   
I don't remember if it was Plato or Socrates, and the parable about the cave.  I have to say that as a society, been watching the shadows on the wall, the kabuki theater, rather than seeing what is really going on.  A more updated version of that would be the movie "They Live" with Roddy Piper. 

Listen, I get it.  As a genetic male, my existence isn't really necessary for the continuation of the human race, male disposability and all that. It would be nice though if while I'm still engaged in my air addiction, I could be considered to be a bit more than a replaceable carbon based revenue unit. Being single, I'm already in one of the top tax brackets, and I've been hearing rumors that the PTB are thinking about having a bachelor tax imposed as well.  Annnddd at the same time, people are leaving the US, not coming back, on top of being below replacement level birthrates since the late 1960's early 1970's.  If everything was great like the media mouthpieces keep saying, why then are people leaving? why are people not having children? (outside of the fact that Divorce Inc. happens 50% of the time)

In many ways I feel that I have been betrayed.  I did what I was supposed to, work hard, develop yourself, get edumicated, marriage, kids, vote, pay taxes, all the tropes that were being pushed and d-mnit, the rules of the game keep changing, they keep changing them, and don't tell anybody that they did.  Nah, I'm not bitter.  it is what it is.  Now I gotta figure what is going to be best for myself, decide if I am going to continue playing the games, and if I'm not, how am I not?  I'm already boycotting corporations because some are simply evil, some I don't cotton to their business practices, and some have a agenda that I don't agree with.  How can I not play the game with the PTB?  That's the big question that I'm exploring. 

Wishing all here, all the best.

[StartingHealing]

May 24, 2024

Getting close to my solar return.  FB is pissed at me since I shut off the external data gathering.  If I post more than 2x, like more than 5 posts, etc.  Account Restricted!  Chuckle, annnnddd I wonder why their profit / stock price is going down? 

Did get to a milestone yesterday.  Took a while, been pecking at it on and off since oh Nov last year.  Going through all the digital photo archives.  The former spouse never once requested a copy of anything while she had the info to do so.  Weird sh-t though, it was like I had to have "permission" to finally finish the de-duplication (it was horrible. Ex. Same image, labeled 20 different ways, across 30 different folders.)  I was hung up for some dam-ed reason on erasing the data.  As a work around, I burned the images / documents that directly pertained to the former spouse on DVD's then erase on all hard drives.  I'm old school enough that I have 2 at a minimum, external hard drives that I back up data to.  Usually on a weekly basis. Still DO NOT trust the "cloud".  It's just a server somewhere, and good luck getting access, retrieving, or deleting that data if something hit the fan, or if you go to new hardware.  Besides that, if you look at the ELUA agreements, the "public" clouds, MS, Google, Amazon, Apple, they can data mine the he77 out of it and sell your info to whomever they choose.  Besides that they all are cooperating with 3 letter agencies.  No warrant required. Along with the US based social media companies who are in the same agencies back pocket.   

Before the big push to get everything done, I did speak with my spiritual mentor, who laid it out straight.  Burn the stuff to DVD's, don't send them. (yeah there was another situation where I ended up with #, email, snailmail addy for the former) If you send them then that will only cause her to give you more heart ache because she will start demanding more stuff from you. Even if it went through a 3rd party.  How f-ed in the head do you have to be to act like that?  Oh he77, went logical there for a minute.  My bad.

My mentor gave me permission to go forward with it.  Now I have burned DVD's with stuff specifically related to her, that data erased (gotta love linux based OS. No hope for recovery ) all the other data de-duplicated, removed all images, words, etc of her off the hard drives, even the legal proceedings data got moved to a different pair of external hard drives (small ones) and that data got erased off the main and related external storage. Still have some clean up to do with pictures of pets that were / are part of my life.  It's about 412 gigs for that one folder, unlike the 2.5 terabytes of all the other images, videos, etc.  Another thing that I noticed is when I did see an image of the former spouse, now I can see behind the facade to the madness behind the "smile"

Feels like that was a big step for me. 

Doubt she will ever come back for any of the data. She forfeited any legal, enforceable, dare I say ethical? claim to it almost a year ago. Plus in the 2 or 3 years leading up to the big event she decided that all of her surviving family was persona non-grata to her.  From what I've gathered that common with folks with BPD.  I did send her brother images that he should appreciate.  He's done with the former spouse.  She laid into him about this thing, that thing, etc. and he yelled loud enough that I could hear it over her mobile " I'm done! Do not contact me again! I am blocking you and if you call, text, email or other wise contact me I will file that you are harassing me."   Course to her that never happened and she was the one that blocked his number.   Aunt's, Uncles, Cousins, pretty much all of them have exnayed her.  Both parents are passed, she had intermittent contact with one child she gave up for adoption (that she twisted into that I was responsible for that) and the other child, has no use for her either. Once I got it through my thinking meat that the former is "adult" in the eyes of the law, and that she has every right to live her life the way she see's fit.  Even if it only brings chaos, trouble, trauma, extreme difficulties. 

Maybe that is part of the healing journey as well.  No, she abused the living sh-t outta me.  No chance on any level of he77 that I'll take her back.  F!!!!! that.  I can "see" though, the he77 that she's in, and with 25 years of exposure, I saw the trends and in my estimation, none of them go to a good result.  I'm slowly gaining more and more indifference.  Perhaps in a couple more years it will be like that one song lyric "there was somebody that I used to know".



Wishing all here, all the best.

[natureluvr]

In many ways I feel that I have been betrayed.  I did what I was supposed to, work hard, develop yourself, get edumicated, marriage, kids, vote, pay taxes, all the tropes that were being pushed and d-mnit, the rules of the game keep changing, they keep changing them, and don't tell anybody that they did.  Nah, I'm not bitter.  it is what it is.  Now I gotta figure what is going to be best for myself, decide if I am going to continue playing the games, and if I'm not, how am I not?  I'm already boycotting corporations because some are simply evil, some I don't cotton to their business practices, and some have a agenda that I don't agree with.  How can I not play the game with the PTB?  That's the big question that I'm exploring. 

I can relate to this deeply.  I will admit, I have become bitter and jaded to a degree.  I was completely betrayed by my FOO, and also by the larger community.  It's frustrating when you do all the "right" things (as I did), and yet life still isn't happy happy joy joy like they promise. 

[natureluvr]

I'm old school enough that I have 2 at a minimum, external hard drives that I back up data to.  Usually on a weekly basis. Still DO NOT trust the "cloud".  It's just a server somewhere, and good luck getting access, retrieving, or deleting that data if something hit the fan, or if you go to new hardware.

I'm the same way.  With an external HD, you have complete power over it, unlike the cloud, so it's a smart thing to do.  I assume you are getting rid of all pics/vids of former spouse? 

Maybe that is part of the healing journey as well.  No, she abused the living sh-t outta me.  No chance on any level of he77 that I'll take her back.  F!!!!! that.  I can "see" though, the he77 that she's in, and with 25 years of exposure, I saw the trends and in my estimation, none of them go to a good result.  I'm slowly gaining more and more indifference.  Perhaps in a couple more years it will be like that one song lyric "there was somebody that I used to know".

She is probably living with the consequences of her own abusive and toxic actions.  Good.  Let her.  It's a fantastic sign that you are becoming more indifferent!  I love your strong resolution to have nothing to do with her, ever again!  That shows real recovery on your part. 

[StartingHealing]

I can relate to this deeply.  I will admit, I have become bitter and jaded to a degree.  I was completely betrayed by my FOO, and also by the larger community.  It's frustrating when you do all the "right" things (as I did), and yet life still isn't happy happy joy joy like they promise. 

natureluvr, is it that it's bitterness and being jaded or rather seeing through all the BS, finally, for the first time?  That is how I am looking at it.  Seeing the man behind the curtain as it were.  Now, seeing behind the curtain, while is does sssuuucccckkkk, at least now I can take appropriate action where I couldn't do that before. 

[StartingHealing]

I'm old school enough that I have 2 at a minimum, external hard drives that I back up data to.  Usually on a weekly basis. Still DO NOT trust the "cloud".  It's just a server somewhere, and good luck getting access, retrieving, or deleting that data if something hit the fan, or if you go to new hardware.

I'm the same way.  With an external HD, you have complete power over it, unlike the cloud, so it's a smart thing to do.  I assume you are getting rid of all pics/vids of former spouse? 

Maybe that is part of the healing journey as well.  No, she abused the living sh-t outta me.  No chance on any level of he77 that I'll take her back.  F!!!!! that.  I can "see" though, the he77 that she's in, and with 25 years of exposure, I saw the trends and in my estimation, none of them go to a good result.  I'm slowly gaining more and more indifference.  Perhaps in a couple more years it will be like that one song lyric "there was somebody that I used to know".

She is probably living with the consequences of her own abusive and toxic actions.  Good.  Let her.  It's a fantastic sign that you are becoming more indifferent!  I love your strong resolution to have nothing to do with her, ever again!  That shows real recovery on your part. 

Not 100%.  I've kept certain photo's in the legal proceedings external hard drives. Tech tip, get a SSD from a laptop that is being salvaged out from a business, get an adapter and boom, 256gig external fer cheap!  Well, in my journey I have concluded that it's better to not engage with places, things, people that have proven that they are toxic to me.  I don't wish her any harm, she does that perfectly fine on her own. I just don't want to around.  Don't even want to be a fly on the wall.

[StartingHealing]

June 2 2024

Had a few days where I was trying to get a bead on things.  Attempting to "see" the current situation(s) in the place I live in a objective manner.  I forget where I read or heard this, anyway it goes something like this:  To take effective action one much first have understanding the the situation(s) that are presented.

I took at look at the current situations and also the trends that have led the country in which I live currently to the place(s) that it is at.  Generally speaking of course.  However, there are things that are outside of my control, and I fully realize that, which can impact my daily experience. One example is the inflation rate as an area that is fairly widespread amongst the places in the world that use a fiat currency as a medium of exchange.  Out of my control, what steps can I take to mitigate the impact as much as I am able?  I went through the list.  A risk assessment of sorts. And attempting to reach a conclusion what I can do, which perhaps that is due to how I'm wired. I know that my conclusions will have to change as the situations change and that's fine. 

While I was attempting to do my objective assessments, I reached out to my mentor.  It was taken as if I had totally gone black pill and was seriously thinking about deleting myself which really struck me as f-cking weird. 

I then reached out to a friend of mine that is former military.  I explained what I was trying to do and the interaction was totally different.  I don't know if it was because of prior experiences that each had or perhaps it was a difference in their wiring?  Both are logical, both have what I would consider a really solid objective viewpoint, both are very insightful and both have no issue with calling me out on my BS. 

I mean, am I mistaken in wanting to figure out what steps can be taken to help mitigate things?  yes, one must have spiritual input / be grateful yet one has to also take action, right? 

Anyhoo, finally got to conclusions and that it feels that I really needed to get there. 

Wishing all the brave souls here, all the best.   

[Hope67]

Hi StartingHealing,
I sounds like you got somewhere with that.  I'm glad you got to some conclusions.  Your friend from the former military sounds helpful.  I'm glad you've got that friend.
Hope 

[StartingHealing]

Thank you Hope.

06-04-2024

the epiphanies are continuing.  More of deeper insights into how the threads of the events from my past has influenced the desires that I had / have. 

Fer instance:  Adoption situation, the abandonment aspects, the dynamics of the adoptee family, has 'tweaked' the natural desire of having 'family'.  Having a 'family' having that singular someone to share life with, and how that ended up leaving me wide open to be taken advantage of by a person with BPD. 

Me head knows that I need to become complete as a human being, needing nothing from others, while at the same time, that will also help the connection(s) to current family / friends.  The paradox of life.  My heart on the other hand... sigh.  I think I am still in grief. 

Also attempting to come to grips with that my particular genetic code, at this point, may not go forward in time.  Yes, I have a daughter, who never cottoned to the idea of having children.  In a few more years she'll not have the ability. 

Da-nit, there is something there, it freaking hurts, and my chronological age is such that, well, which gal that still can become pregnant is going to 'be' with me?  Age gap and such.

Need to do something else now

peace to all here