Healing journal (tw) Angering / strong emotions

[StartingHealing]

6 -Dec 2024

Had a conversation the other day. Odd that there were many parallels twixt us.  We both are doing what we can do to get by and maybe it's the season, maybe it's in the zeitgeist right now, lots of old fecal matter being processed along with that the non-truths are being exposed.  It's at time hard as (insert cuss word) to 'see' those people that were in positions of authority over me as flawed humans instead of the all powerful beings that child me thought at the time.  Most, if not all have exited this realm.  Odd in a sense, I still remember those that believed in and encouraged me.  While the ones, shall I say that were phoning it in, I don't recall them as much.  Some of the ones that encouraged me, I did reach out after many a year of being lost, attempting to find self and when I did find the kernel of self, I did reach out and let them know how much they saved me at the time they did.  Some, I found out that they had gone on to their next adventure and even then, I let their family know what a positive impact they had been in my life.  And now on the back 9 as it were of this existence I find myself considering the legacy that I am leaving behind. And perhaps it's my radar that is being overly sensitive, 25 years with a personality disordered individual will do that, yet it seems that the negative behaviors of the former spouse is kind of the norm nowadays out in the wild as it were.  Even not doing anything can lead to issues just because someone makes an unfounded claim all based on that they were feeling a certain kind of way at that time.  You know, that is some scary stuff.

 Our talk drifted into other things and it came back around how sometimes conversations go, and they said that being in a culture that you find comfortable is a worthy goal because being in such a place would remove a great deal of hyper-consciousness about interacting with others in public.  That would allow us to as it was put 'go to the next level'  and if said culture location happened to have more hours of sunlight, and water, because I have never lived somewhere that I was at peace and had water within a short bicycle / car ride away, that could be very good for us both.  We both agreed in many ways modern society has lost it's marbles somewhere along the way.  Logic says that there are pockets in the country that I currently reside in that the local culture would be decent and yet..

IDK  the idea of going somewhere else, different culture / language, going as native as possible, get out from under all the levels of gov with the massive ongoing overreach,  and allow a rebirth from all the old assumptions / old patterns of being.  That is really attractive to me. What I need to live comfortable really isn't that much.  I honestly do not know how it's all going to buff out.  I do know that it will buff out. Even if it feels like the buffing takes a long time, it will eventually buff out. 

I am reminded of times where sitting on the bank of a lake, (pre former spouse) got a line in the water that only had a weight on it.  And simply sitting and enjoying.  Had a fishing license and all but the fishing wasn't the purpose.  Or laying under an old elm tree watching the clouds dance in counterpart to the leaves whispering in the breeze.  Being in a city isn't ... convenience is nice but at what friggen cost???

Nothing will be decided that has been cast into concrete.  Waiting is hard sometimes.  We parted ways and it is so refreshing to have actual face to face communication with another human that isn't playing all those stupid games of modernity.  They enjoyed it as well.  when schedules align, then perhaps another round.  Saddened slightly because that was something that was never there with the former spouse.

Wishing all here all the best

[StartingHealing]

12-10-24
2024 is almost over and 2025 is not yet here.  Walking my doggo this a.m., neighborhood quiet, smells waft on the breeze, memories rise unbidden, some bittersweet, as cut grass, diesel fuel, hot engines, the skunk of cannabis,
the sound of my doggo's paws on the concrete / asphalt, slight squeak from my shoes, far far off road noise, and in that moment, I was content.

Emotions still rise and fall, at times crash, and I remind myself, I am not the person of back then, the past is dust.  Tender areas abound still.  I remind myself yet again, that forcing it does no good.  I fall back into the work, the breathing, the centering and grounding.  And for a moment, a blink of an eye, I am again content.

Wishing all here all the best     

[Papa Coco]

SH

Your walk on the morning of the 10th sounds relaxing. You're right, the past is dust. The future is a guess. Only the present moment is real, and when we can find ourselves enjoying the simplicity of the morning dew, and the doggo's paws and panting, then that's where peace is found. In the moment. What they used to call, stopping to smell the roses.  Or slowing down to hear the music. Take in the moment. Breathe and just be. These are terms I've heard my whole life, and now we've simply updated them to call this "Mindfulness." A new name for an old concept.

One of the great gifts our canine companions offer us. They live in the moment. And they are able to help us to do so with them at walk and play time.

Wishing you the best in return,

[Hope67]

Hi StartingHealing,
Your words were so evocative to read - they really created the walk you experienced - I felt as if I was walking there alongside you.  I am glad you were feeling content in the moments of walking.  I like the phrase 'the past is dust'.
Wishing you the best. 
Hope

[StartingHealing]

SH

Your walk on the morning of the 10th sounds relaxing. You're right, the past is dust. The future is a guess. Only the present moment is real, and when we can find ourselves enjoying the simplicity of the morning dew, and the doggo's paws and panting, then that's where peace is found. In the moment. What they used to call, stopping to smell the roses.  Or slowing down to hear the music. Take in the moment. Breathe and just be. These are terms I've heard my whole life, and now we've simply updated them to call this "Mindfulness." A new name for an old concept.

One of the great gifts our canine companions offer us. They live in the moment. And they are able to help us to do so with them at walk and play time.

Wishing you the best in return,

Hi PC 

Very true.  Always have had doggos, or rather they have had me. lol  I was once told that doggos do not have a heart chakra because their entire being is heart filled.  and dog is god spelled backwards.  The morning walk is a looked forward to thing by both of us.  I don't know how relaxing it is when we cover just shy of 3 miles in a hour and 1/2... Getting in some cardio.  I let him have his head and he has settled into about 5 different patterns of where he goes usually.  He still will throw a curve every once in awhile.  I admit that walking does clear my head for a good long while. 

Wishing you and yours all the best

[StartingHealing]

Hi StartingHealing,
Your words were so evocative to read - they really created the walk you experienced - I felt as if I was walking there alongside you.  I am glad you were feeling content in the moments of walking.  I like the phrase 'the past is dust'.
Wishing you the best. 
Hope

Thank you for the hug.  Much appreciated.  Thank you for the kindness shown to my words.  Means a lot. 
Wishing you the best

[StartingHealing]

15 Dec 2024

Weather has changed into the common one for fall.  Surprised at how long I have been here. 2026 will be twenty years. I haven't stayed that long even in the state where I grew up.  Always had an itch to see somewhere other.  Memory playing tricks on my sense of time, expected actually, years spent on the front lines of a personality disordered person messes with things.

Walk this morning, chilly, almost time for muffler, stocking hat, and doggo jacket, ambient noise abounds as people have deployed the fan powered yard figurines for the holiday that is fast approaching. caught myself smiling at some and wondering in which year did I stop doing that?  Working the diaphragm against the pain that arises in my back, getting the parasympathetic to trigger, while my doggo looks at me wondering if I'm ok.  I speak softly, I'm ok buddy lets go.  With that I must run to keep up while he lopes along until a smell grabs his attention and he stops to have his sniff. I know that soon, he will settle into a trot that as long as I can speed walk doesn't fail I can keep up.  A stranger remarks how pretty he is and I thank them for that, they smile a genuine smile, those smiles that reach the eyes,  and wish me a merry Christmas and a happy new year.  I return the good tidings and the sniff done, we continue.  Later an older gentleman, kind, sweet, speaks of his dogs and of the ones he had recently lost, as mine smells his pants drawing deeply the scent of the other dogs.  We shake hands as if we have known each other before, parting ways my dog and I continue on, leaving him in his bittersweet musings. 

My doggo finds a bush in an undeveloped lot which he has determined needs fertilizer, after he is most insistent that he must fluff! throwing plumes of dust skyward, a sneeze, Holding him back I do my best to gather his waste, a body shake and he's off again until another smell draws him in. 

Arriving home spending time petting and loving on him until he gets his fill.  At that moment I am content.

[StartingHealing]

12-17-24

The moon is waning from being full and perhaps? it's that + unknown variables. Seems like for some (insert cuss word(s) here) reason(s) more memories are pushing their way out.  Mixed bag because while dealing with them ssssuuuuccckkkkcks it's good that more of that crapola is coming out.  The spiral has come back around again I guess. Sheesh.. Sometimes, I wonder how many times the spiral is going to come around on this until I will be "done" with it.

Wishing all here all the best 

[Armee]

I wonder the same...how many times till done.

The other benefit besides getting it out that I've noted on my last go around the spiral is these spirals point to what is left needing healing. Handing us a little road map. Road trip bingo?

[StartingHealing]

18 Dec 2024

How freaking weird is this?  Throwing a link here for others.

https://culteducation.com/group/798-abusive-controlling-relationships.html

Who would have thought that cult like behavior was exhibited by people with a personality disorder?  Like * you know?  Goes a long long way to explain many things of why it takes the time it takes when putting one-self back together once free of them (in my case anyway).  Does raise some questions, like what is the difference between cults / religion / leftish ideology?   Also makes me wonder about resistance to that kind of crap going forward.

Wishing all here all the best 

[StartingHealing]

I wonder the same...how many times till done.

The other benefit besides getting it out that I've noted on my last go around the spiral is these spirals point to what is left needing healing. Handing us a little road map. Road trip bingo?

Armee,
I would agree that the spiral points to what is left to heal.  Wishing you all the best

[Chart]

SH, Thanks for the vicarious dog walking experience. It's been decades since I've walked a pooch, but your journal brought it all nicely back. Hugs to the four-legged friend too!
 

[StartingHealing]

26 December 2024

Chart, you are most welcome.

Lots of things trolling through the thinking meat.  Have taken vacation and don't go back to office until the 6th.  Attempting to not place blame on any one thing for the morass that is within.  The season ... not having light is now a thing for me which I don't remember having before which could be from being on mission for so many years of my life.  There was always something or someone that needed attention outside of self that .. perhaps I missed the memo from Pappy on where the balance point is between care of self and care for ________________ is.  Needing to be needed is a powerful thing for a guy.  Being tossed aside as I had been, repeatedly during that time with the personality disordered former spouse, would be tossed aside then taken back up and round and round it would go.  Anger still towards the actions she took.  I've forgiven yet the not forgetting, for I cannot forget the lessons learned for I care too deeply at times for my own good.  Attempting to stay objective on my self assessment of the how I was sucked into that cult of one.  Seems so plain now, so out in the open and yet at the time.. Was it the backwards monkey flips in the bedroom?  Was it the love bombing, was it ? I know the pattern, the pattern of my genetic mother, the pattern of the one in the role of mother, the other SO's till 25 years spent.  Saddening, so saddening.  All part of the same pattern.  Which at times scares me fecal matter less.  55 maybe 56 years of life,(depending on end point chosen) my life, being within that pattern.  D--n.  And then recognizing the larger societal patterns that were manufactured that this pattern nestles into.

Currently caught in a loop of what to write here.  Many areas of concern for me to place here and yet at the same time, realizing that most are things that are me wrestling with another red pill. Big food. Big Pharma. Big oil. goobermet agency capture of digital platforms. private interests capturing most banking, at times it feels like I'm trying to ice skate up hill. Ironic that at one time I did ask for an objective knowing of reality so I could move appropriately going forward.  The Universe sure didn't hold back on that request. It's just a whole heap to wade through is all. 

I do wish all the brave souls here, all the best. 

[StartingHealing]

Dec 27 2024

I do not know the why's behind when events happen.  I do not know the why to a lot of things.  Don't rightly know if that would help or not.  Guess some times ... sigh

All the small indicators have come together and I'm pretty certain of a thing.  Waiting to find out if my mentor will be able to converse with me today for verification.  It's gonna suck.  Really suck if I'm right. 

Trying to keep my mind from running amok with assigning blame, for projecting forward because the event hasn't happened yet.  At the same time, knowing what I know, I am so very saddened.  I'll have to schedule things and all kind of other stuff.  Gotta be responsible and all when all I want to do is curl into a ball and cry. 

It sucks. 

Wishing all here all the best

[AphoticAtramentous]

Wishing you well in return, StartingHealing. Attempting to ice skate up a hill doesn't sound pleasant at all, perhaps - if it's a metaphorical icy hill, remember that it's important to take slow and steady steps (do one thing at a time) and maybe make sure you're wearing protective gear (make sure you're looking after yourself). Take breaks when you're feeling tired, drink water to rehydrate, rest your feet if they get sore. No pressure to do any of this of course, just my little metaphorical recommendations.

Regards,
Aphotic.