Scared

[blue_sky]

How is it that I can go from almost feeling fully functional to suicidal in a matter of a day?

H had therapy yesterday and was telling me how his T suggested that when he needs "space" either one of us should go outside and be by ourselves. He is getting heavily affected because of me since he's the only carer and I depend so much on him. That made me feel a bit sad that I was causing harm by being a CPTSD patient.

He woke up this morning and was not normal self. He seemed low. I asked him what was wrong but didn't respond much. Ate breakfast together, he just kept looking down, not talking to me. Before leaving for work i asked for a hug and he said no. Felt sad 2nd time. Asked him if he is angry, No, if he hates me, No, if he loves me, No. He just kept shaking his head and then didn't want to hear me speak or look at me. He then said he just needs space from me. That means no talking, no seeing my face, no hearing my voice.

This broke me. The one person who is there for me. The one person for whom I live.

I don't understand "space". I didn't grow up getting "space". We don't have the concept or "space" or "boundaries" at home. I dont know what that is.

I drove to work as my suicidal scale kept getting higher. Parked and started looking for "options" online. I felt so scared, I called lifeline. When they picked up, I hung up. I couldn't get myself to speak. I texted them as I started crying. Sent an email to boss saying I can't come in today even if I am parked less than 200 metres away from the office.

I have called multiple private hospitals but they don't take emergency cases. I'm too scared to go to a public one. I'm scared they will reject me or will judge me even if they accept me.

I don't know what to do. Why is it that animals get put down when they're sick but we don't have that option? If I'm not allowed to post this, please feel free to delete.

[Armee]

 

Sending you huge hugs.

I hope you can find some help and that H will be in a better place soon.

The way you describe his behavior today it reminds me how I am when I am swallowed by shame (usually irrational shame).

Do what you can to get through...moment to moment to moment...

[Kizzie]

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this and with SI.  To have your H be non-responsive, even rejecting is terribly frightening I can see that.  I can see how frightened you are and why.  Maybe if you can manage it you could give him  a bit of space because it sounds like he is very emotional and mixed up. Something in his therapy session unleashed a lot more than he can manage at the moment but chances are that will settle in a bit. I don't think it is you per se but his own fears that have overwhelmed him. 

One thought I had is that when the time is right perhaps you could see a couples therapist/counsellor because his individual therapy may be working at odds with your relationship. Seeing someone together means working together on making things better for both of you.

In any case Blue, I really feel for you, what you are going through and why. CPTSD brings up terrible fears and it's really hard to deal with when it overwhelms you.

 

[NarcKiddo]

I am so sorry. I agree with Kizzie's suggestion that your H may have had something come up in therapy that is hard for him to deal with.

Are you able to contact your T to talk things over? Somebody who is familiar with you and your situation may be a helpful option for you. And if they think a hospital is the right place for you right now then they will probably know how to go about arranging that.

 

[blue_sky]

I went to emergency department in public hospital. they checked my vitals and I kept getting moved from corner-to-corner, from one bed to another. the on-call psychiatrist came to talk to me. she said if private hospital has a bed then she'll arrange my transfer. Then in the evening i was told it's too late to transfer as the bed manager in private hospital has gone for the day. They gave me my regular meds and lorazepam to help me sleep.

close to 10pm, they asked to change back to my clothes and said they're transferring me to another hospital ward. Then i had to be checked in to another place almost midnight and so sleepy.

Found out my private health insurance can't cover for the private hospital so i have to either upgrade to more expensive one or continue staying here or go home. Both my psychiatrist and psychologist are on holiday this week

Husband is coming to pick me up. I dont know what's next. The psychiatrist at this ward was scary man, he triggered me instead. At the other hospital, it was a lady and i asked her to euthanize me but she said it's illegal.

I am so tired. I have been starving now. Wish i could have my OOTS fam in-person here to pull me out of this

[Armee]

Oh, darling. I wish I was there to sit by you.

[NarcKiddo]

I am thinking of you and hoping you are not feeling so bleak today. 

[Kizzie]

Oh Blue, I wish we could all be there for you.  Please no we are all here for you in spirit and send you big warm group hug    You're doing all that you can for yourself, just keep going if you can.  Could you perhaps see your H's therapist and see if they will help you out?  I don't know if that's a conflict but you could ask your H if he would talk to them about what is going on. They may be able to help rather than you trying to find help when you are in crisis.