OCD

[Canotia]

One of my many co-morbidities is OCD.  I've had it for a long time, but because it isn't stereotypical OCD I wasn't aware of what it was.  I do check probably more than most (at an OCD level), but that isn't the real problem.  When I get upset I can't let it go. Something small will dominate my thoughts 24/7.  When I wake up in the middle of night for any reason, it is right there. First thing in the morning I'm thinking of what upset me.  This has gotten so bad that it turns into SI, which then becomes another obsessive thought. This can turn into weeks or even months of non-stop obsessive thinking.  Last big episode I went inpatient for a month.  Medication helped, but I feel like the OCD wasn't treated.  All my therapy focused on childhood trauma.  While I understand the basis for that, I never really learned how to get out of an obsessive thought pattern without more medication.  They had me read the book Brain Lock, that helped some but the book addresses more traditional OCD and I couldn't apply some of the tools it recommends.

[Blueberry]

When I get upset I can't let it go. Something small will dominate my thoughts 24/7.  When I wake up in the middle of night for any reason, it is right there. First thing in the morning I'm thinking of what upset me.  This has gotten so bad that it turns into SI, which then becomes another obsessive thought.

I react in a similar way, especially to not being able to let go.

On here SI refers to 'suicide ideation', but I know that elsewhere it can be 'self-injury', so I'm wondering which you mean. I have trichotillomania, which means pulling my hair out obsessively and is my major form of self-injury. OCD used to be listed under my comorbidities but the last time I was inpatient, they removed it from the list. Not because I got better though. My not being able to let go has a lot to do with the emotional abuse I endured as a child, teen and indeed adult in FOO.

I have been prescribed medication for it to be taken on a as-needs basis but I hardly ever do take it. I have been inpatient many times because of cptsd and depression mostly. But all the comorbidities and symptoms are there of course. In earlier inpatient stays, they used to work more on symptoms with me but now that I've finally found somewhere that's really trauma-informed, it's more on trauma and general lowering of inner agitation etc.

It may be that it's not possible to treat the OCD w/o doing general trauma treatment first? In my experience, there's been no hundred percent improvement of anything. In fact if I have the feeling some symptom has improved by 10%, that's great. Small steps count here. Unfortunately of course. Don't we all wish it would go easier and faster! Feel free to ask more specific questions. I don't think I'll be able to respond for a few days though.

Welcome to the forum

[Canotia]

I intended SI to be suicidal ideation. Right now, I'm not having any issues with it.  I really think my medication helps significantly.  However, there was a tradeoff.  I soon as I started taking it, I gained significant weight.

[Blueberry]

Thanks for clarifying your meaning of SI. It's great you're not having any issues with it atm   Come to think of it, I used to get flashes of SI, more like an impulse from somewhere within like from a Part. Not nice, putting it mildly. When I sort of understood what was going on it became easier to bear and then it all much reduced anyway, though I don't know how exactly. I presume just through general trauma T.

In my last inpatient stay they gave me some very mild medication to stop the obsessive thoughts. Unfortunately, all the emotions came up almost all at once (within a couple of hours) instead, which felt far worse, especially since I didn't immediately have one-on-one T to start dealing with those emotions. I'd rather have the obsessive thoughts, so long as they're not on SI, which they aren't any more. We're all different though and I'm really glad medication works for you, Canotia  

Weight gain? Me too, but w/o the medication. Over-eating is one of my unhealthy crutches and I'm not the only one on here with that. So you're not alone with weight gain, if that's any consolation.