Way too much TW CSA/SA

[Saluki]

I've blocked so much out but horrible memories are recently seeping through the blocks I thought my brain had made.

I was abused by a paedo from age approximately 5-15. Last night I realised that he was the first person to touch me in private places. I don't know why that didn't occur to me before. That just really upset me last night.

We were playing Cards Against Humanity yesterday and I got a card about losing your virginity. The rest of the game sort of went by on autopilot. It shouldn't have been a paedophile raping me. (different paedophile).

Then I realised that there's a connection between paedophile 1 and some things I completely buried due to feeling so much shame and dirtiness. I can't talk about it. I can't speak it. I think I'm going to have to talk about it with my therapist when I finally get allocated one. When that will be I have no idea.

Then there are my university years. Waking up in bed with a stranger after a drunken night. I don't consider that SA and I have no idea if I slept with this person in the sex way but it was definitely connected with having been sexually abused previously as I had no concept of being able to say no. I don't remember how he ended up in my bed or how I got there either. There's other stuff I feel absolutely mortified by like the rape when my drink was spiked and fighting off two men, screaming and a woman coming into the room. The drugs they'd given me must have been wearing off but I'd already been raped.

The rapist who abused me for 10 years knew the rapists who drugged my drink. I can't talk about that much either but suffice it to say there was a ring of them and there will be more victims, as I prefer to say, survivors.

I hate so much that my mother abused me teaching me that sex was dirty so that sex was a punishable offence: so that when I was abused as a child she made it my fault.

She called me every name under the sun. She made me the guilty one.

If I hadn't been sexually abused and had had a mother who was kind and supportive, none of the CSA or SA would have happened. I honestly think the initial paedophile chose me because he knew there was something very wrong with my home life. He also worked with my mother so he probably groomed her too.

I feel sick.

I don't want to feel ashamed.

I talked a little with my partner last night about the SA but I started dissociating really badly so I had to stop and to be honest I want to forget, not talk about it.

But how do I stop the intrusive thoughts? I wish I knew.

[Saluki]

I think I was sold by paedophile 1 to some creepy men when I was a teenager. I kept getting approached and I can't talk about it but I think it was a paedophile ring. My childhood friend was having the same happen. We were young and naive and didn't understand what was happening. She was being sexually abused by several men and all of them knew paedophile 1.

When I reported this to the police years later nothing came of it. I was made out to be a liar and her statement was basically ignored.

We were child victims of a paedophile ring and we didn't even know it.

[Saluki]

So anyway many years later I am safe but my life has been so negatively impacted in so many ways I feel physically sick thinking about how disgustingly I was treated.

And because I don't feel real it's really hard to feel anything.

[Bert]

Hi Saluki,

I'm so sorry for your experience. Please accept my biggest of e-hugs. 

If I can offer a thought or two; I think the path to recovery, true recovery, is not to wish or will that the past didn't happen? Or to reject the idea of processing the past, now. Of course, you must feel safe enough to do so - I guess that's where therapists can come in.

I only offer this because you seem wanting to share with your partner - but the disassociation / depersonalisation kicks in as a result of chronic stress flooding your system. Then, as you mention, you just want to stop and forget all about it which is very likely your surviving mechanism. As you say; you are safe now, that survival mechanism doesn't need to activate.

I trust your partner is a safe person for you. It will likely do you a world of good to bring them closer to you with this. You'll be surprised how compassionate, understanding, empathetic and caring good people are... This is something I'm learning as I'm really going through the thick of my situation.

Also. I read somewhere here, something along the lines of; "when addressing that inner child, I feel ashamed. I don't like them. Because they didn't stand up for themselves. Didn't say what needed to be said. Didn't say no. Didn't do more to seek help. They just surrendered and let things happen." - this was a little "aha" moment for me in my recovery journey, because at that point I realised this is what I harboured towards my own inner child... I kept trying to address my inner child unknowingly that I (my Self) didn't like or respect them. But then I guess that opens up the opportunity to re-evaluate the circumstance, and find compassion for yourself. I guess, to forgive? Maybe at that point, healing can accelerate?

I may be missing the mark completely - but I didn't want to not reply. Please know I am with you.

[blue_sky]

Saluki, no words to say except that I had CSA and SA as well in my past. You're not alone. And it really does make our lives so challenging.     

[Armee]

Those are terrible things to have had to endure as a child and you are right to place the blame there on your mother and on the abusers. That's also who the shame belongs to. I am truly so sorry.

And I've had but a small fraction of your experiences and I know how awful that small fraction was to deal with when the intrusive memories came up. The hope I can give you is that eventually it gets better. Eventually those memories get appropriately processed if you are able to have appropriate therapy as long as is needed. My feeling is the intrusive stuff is there to help you understand and to get the help you need. It may be possible to let the intrusive stuff know you appreciate what it's doing but to respectfully ask it if it could slow down or wait until you have a little more support to manage the information. They can be really horribly brutal to go through and we'll be here as you do, listening and believing.

Thank you for trusting us to share this. You are incredibly strong to have survived this all. I'm honored to know you here.

I remember when I was trying to work up the courage to tell my husband. I would sit down to talk to him and pass out. Like I was aware, my brain was processing things, but my body was non functional and i couldnt speak or move, and it appeared I was asleep. Another time I prepared to tell him and could not remember what I was trying to tell him or why it mattered. Eventually I got pieces out, very disjointed. But having his support and especially his reminders that it was bad what happened and not my fault and he loves me and believes me...that was very helpful toward healing. So I do hope over time you can let your spouse know more and support you more. And you may need to go safely and slowly.

[Saluki]

Thank you Bert and Blue Sky.

Bert, what you say makes so much sense. I hated myself so much for freezing, for not being able to talk (I became selectively mute) for not fighting back. I hated myself for "allowing" so much more abuse to happen for so many years. It's easy for me to say to others "it wasn't your fault" and to offer empathy and logically I know it wasn't my fault and that I'm not stupid or feeble or pathetic but I don't think I really believe it, not properly.

My partner is kind and compassionate and I'm not used to being treated kindly and it's wonderful. I often wonder if they are a figment of my imagination. I sometimes panic if for example we are out and I am waiting outside a shop with my dog, I think my partner doesn't exist. Sounds stupid but it's a very real fear.

I also have a lot of self deprecation, like I did nothing good or productive with my life...I barely stood a chance but hey ho I "should try harder" (ingrained from childhood I guess).

Lots of work to do on me.

I actually feel like I'm overburdening my partner with my CPTSD (my worry, they've never said so) but it's good to have this place to talk to fellow survivors. So thank you.

[Saluki]

Thank you so much Armee. I must have been typing at the same time as you!

[Saluki]

How do I tell the intrusive stuff to slow down? I'm overwhelmed by it and it's making my life that should be safe and happy now so difficult because it won't let me experience here and now properly...

It's always there. I sometimes hit myself of my head (not too hard any more, not these days) to try to wake myself up because I feel like I'm not real or dreaming...

I used to hit my head against concrete when I was younger.

My rapist violent abusive ex hit me so many times in the head I think I must have brain damage. I wish I hadn't hit my own head so hard...I think I actually fractured my skull once. When he was threatening to "smash" my "face in" I said "Look, you don't have to I can beat myself up perfectly well all by myself." I had multiple egg sized bumps all over my head one time from what he did and I called the police and they wouldn't even look or touch. They let me down so many times. If I hadn't been abused as a child I would never have fallen into his trap. He was evil.

[Saluki]

Armee I exactly know that feeling of passing out trying to say the trauma stuff and not remembering what or why it matters.

I often question myself "what's wrong with you? It's nothing! So what: just get over it and stop moaning there's nothing wrong with you".

It's so confusing.

Today I feel like my head is...I can't explain... it's kind of buzzing. It's like it's muffled and buzzing and horrible.

[Armee]

For me that muffled buzzing is dissociation. The sound of my brain shutting down. It's my clearest sign I am dissociating.

As for slowing down the intrusive stuff...acknowledge it, see it. Then ask if now that you've seen it you could maybe just put it on a shelf for a little while to get back to when you are stronger.

All I know is ignoring it makes it turn up the volume. But also you don't want to focus too much on it in a way that becomes overwhelming.

With the head hitting...it might actually be a flashback. Reliving the times you were hit in the head.

This has happened to me, too, where I have urges to smash my head into a wall. I finally realized that it was a flashback to when that happened. Same thing with urges to cut a specific part of my wrist even tho I had no desire to harm myself. That was where things were tied. I was only trying to cut it off not knowing it wasn't there in the present. Once i realized these things and the connection to the trauna they stopped.

There are explanations for these things that you do that don't involve you being bad in any way. 

For dissociation what helps me is getting out for a hike or gardening. Walking I seem to be able to continue spacing out but something really physically immersive helps.

We're here. You aren't alone anymore.

[Saluki]

Thanks Armee. I hadn't thought of the head hitting being flashbacks. That actually makes sense when I was concrete head hitting, I thought I was trying to make myself wake up with the other (open palm both sides of head or more often rubbing my head really hard all over because it feels like it's going to explode with the pressure... maybe there is no pressure...??))

[Bert]

Good morning Saluki,

I'm pleased that you found something in what I said. I'm even more pleased that your partner is kind and supportive for you.

Indeed, hating our past / past-self is all too easy. I don't feel I have the right to suggest a cure or a way through this as it's one of my struggles also. What I do want to say though, just for validation for you: when the abuse began Saluki, you were delicate, innocent, helpless. Let me tell you that you had absolutely no chance to fight back and your mind was certainly developing. It is not your fault that terrible things happened and I encourage you to recognise that you, as that child perhaps, developed a way to survive and that is incredible...

Granted, you must now do your very best to try to unlearn and rebuild the mind that your inner child was forced to build, but that is absolutely not your fault... As I write this, I feel so compassionate and thankful towards your inner child, as you are here now, intact, with a lovely partner, and actively looking to better yourself.

Perhaps I can inspire you to see this from my angle? And to inspire you to build a small bridge with your past self.

I hope this helps - strangely, this has helped me a little too.   

[Saluki]

Thank you Armee. I thought I had replied. I keep doing that, thinking I've replied. I caught myself several times, just holding my phone staring at the apps menu page innanely ..."staring into space" as my school teachers used to write on my reports. I think I must have been thinking about your post whilst randomly staring at app icons. I have to laugh: it's my best medicine.

Gardening really helps me too. And walks outside. I have fibromyalgia which is a bas£@&* and I haven't done anywhere near as much gardening as I would have liked but just getting out there helps. I feel so lucky to have a reasonable sized garden where I can grow things.

I hadn't realised the head banging thing could be flashbacks. Sh*£. Yeah it's like I'm trying to knock the bad memories out of my head a lot of the time so it probably is. Thank you for that explanation.

It's a balancing act I am yet to master: obsessing over my mother and her vile behaviour has got completely out of control. I read about "compartmentalizing" but haven't a clue how to achieve putting her bulls#-£ into a box. I have vague memories of a therapist trying to help me with that and me being very angry that I couldn't...that was possibly in rehab. I was "the angriest client they'd ever had". Now my anger is a festering malignant monster buried so deep I can't even feel it but I'm very scared of it. I don't know when it could emerge or what it's capable of. It did something horrible once, really horrible and yet I don't have shame about that: I have nothing. I feel shame about things that the abusers should be ashamed of, not me and logically I know I shouldn't have that shame but inside it's still very present.

[Saluki]

uh, suddenly my small reply I don't remember writing pops up. My brain isn't making sense today. That's the 3rd time that's happened. I don't know what's happening.

Thank you for your reply Bert, I only just saw it.

I've been thinking a lot about little me. I have so much to process there. So much.

Thank you for your kind words. Thank you all of you. I very very much appreciate your kindness and understanding.