I had a very bad day.

[Bermuda]

Today my professor said that he will probably fail me. He said it's really a shame because I test three levels higher than everyone else, but if I cannot speak than I will fail my oral exam. He divided us up into groups, and teamed me with him. We were to talk about our lives and our experiences in the educational systems. He started, and talked about his normal life, and then he said it was my turn. He started by asking, at what age did you start school and where was that? The next question was why did you go to three kindergartens?

I completely fell apart. My jaw was trembling to badly, and I couldn't speak at all. Tears were in my eyes. He told me to just to relax, not to pressure myself. He thought I was nervous and unprepared to talk about educational systems. I eventually was able to say that my difficulty with speaking is because I don't enjoy talking about myself. He said he understood, but he didn't understand. He kept asking questions that I couldn't answer. I physically couldn't answer. I was shaking all over and feeling so sick. That's when he told me he would have fail me even though test so well. I cried the whole 30 minute bicycle ride home. I can't stop vomiting. He's going to fail me, and there is nothing I will be able to do about it.

I prepare everything I may have to say before class, in case, but I can't make it easier to think about that. I don't want to think about that. I will be gone next week, but I might as well drop the course. I feel so disappointed. No matter how much effort I put in, I'm still going to be a failure.

[Kizzie]

Oh Bermuda I am so so sorry this happened. Is there any way you could explain to him about your trauma background and why speaking about it causes you to fall apart?  Perhaps in writing?  The university should have policies about assisting students who have trauma induced acquired neurodivergence just like most do for neurodivergence, learning difficulties, disabilities, etc.

Big warm hug for you if that's OK   

[Armee]

Hi. 


That was an incredibly triggering experience. Please take some time to let yourself settle from that experience alone of being grilled in a way that brings up so much of your trauma.

He has no idea that you are dealing with very serious trauma around the very topic he is asking you about. You are not a failure even if he stupidly fails you for having PTSD without knowing that's what is going on.

At this very moment, Bermuda, you are likely having emotional flashbacks. You are not a failure. If he fails you, HE is the failure for not seeing or understanding.

I wonder if at some point you might be able to write something to him along the lines:

I cannot speak about this topic in relation to myself because of severe childhood trauma and PTSD. I cannot provide any more personal details because I continue to feel unsafe. I hope that you will consider ways to make accommodations with an alternate assignment that would allow me to demonstrate my knowledge without triggering these traumatic reactions.

Is that something you could fathom doing? There should be some kind of avenue for reasonable accommodations and an alternate assignment.



I'm sorry this is happening. He probably thinks you have anxiety about speaking and has no idea what is going on and is trying to scare you into overcoming your fears. He likely thinks he is helping you instead of harming you.

[Kizzie]

He probably thinks you have anxiety about speaking and has no idea what is going on and is trying to scare you into overcoming your fears. He likely thinks he is helping you instead of harming you.

I suspect Armee is right about this. If/when you feel better it may be that he and the uni need some educating about students who have Complex PTSD, if you're up to it that is.  Perhaps we could send a copy of the book we're writing to the institution once it's published, sounds like they could use it.

Group hug too if that's OK 

[NarcKiddo]

Oh, Bermuda. Big hugs to you.

Is there no way round this? Might you be able to tell him something about the CPTSD difficulties you have? Not specifics, but that discussing your school experiences brings up traumatic memories. You were very brave even to tell him you don't enjoy talking about yourself given the stress you were under but that does not explain the trauma reaction and does not give him much information to help find a way round this. Might you be able to record a video of you talking to someone safe (maybe from the Zoom group) and have him watch that? Could you ask why the oral exam has to be about your personal experience with the educational system? Could you interview somebody else about their experiences (your husband, or one of us) and relay that information to him orally?

It seems to me that he has some concept of your vulnerability because he paired you with him not another student and from what you say he seems to be trying to pass you if he can.

Whatever happens, Bermuda, you will not be a failure. You are not a failure. If he fails you that still does not make you a failure. But you've worked so hard and it would be a great shame if you did not get the course qualification.

[Kizzie]

I'm with NarcKiddo, the institution and the professor are failing you so as hard as this is, please hold onto that thought and maybe when you feel better you can do something about it. Absolutely no pressure of course, but as a retired prof I know universities are sensitive to being called out on these types of issues, at least they are here in Canada.

An example - My son and his fellow medical students were really annoyed at a prof who was fat shaming in talking about obese patients in a course last year and they took it to the Chair of the department. They got results as well they should have. 

[Bermuda]

Thanks for your replies. It means a lot. I understand what everyone is saying, and I do logically know that, but I can't bear the thought of outing myself in that way.

I don't want him to know what he already knows. I don't want the students around me to know. I don't want to be made an exception. I don't want him to look at me.

The little things people say really hurt me deeply. It's always other people who connect the dots for me. I told my professor that for part of my education I went to a type of school where you do work independently and send it in, and he replied with telling me that that makes a lot of sense. That's why I am always so prepared with perfect notes on the lesson before the lesson is even given. I'm used to taking responsibility for my own progress. He has no idea.

He's not wrong in that. I am always the most prepared. I am always the first one to a lecture. When another student is lost in the building, I get a message. When someone can't find a link or a resource, they ask me. ...But I will still fail. Succeeding in this world has so little to do with effort. None of it matters if I can't command a discussion. It's heartbreaking because studying has always been something I enjoy so much, and this always happens. Honestly, I'm surprised I lasted this long before being discovered this time. Fortunately, university is free and I will find something else somewhere else where no one knows me. The next city over has a cultural anthropology course that looks good, and I can minor in Hebrew, or maybe it's best I just give up on social sciences. Not sure what else I qualify to study for in this country. Finland is looking very attrictive right now. I love fog, mycology.

[Armee]

Please don't make a decision right now while you are in the middle of an EF, Bermuda. This does not have to mean you flee. Don't flee this time. Do something different. Challenge the trauma response.

And you CAN command a discussion. Just not a discussion in which you are tremendously triggered because it is about YOUR trauma.

Finally I'm sorry to challenge you but I'm doing it because I care about you. You have not been found out. You have not failed. You do not need to divulge specifics or personal information other than this:

I have had an extremely traumatic past, it is not safe or healthy for me to provide details, I need an alternate assignment that does not involve leading a discussion where I am required to divulge personal information that is traumatic. This is not something I can simply overcome by willpower alone. In the real world I will not be put in a position to lead a conversation specifically  about my past and so I think it is reasonable to assess my readiness for this field in an alternate way.

Please, translate that and send it to him. It's OK to let him know that little information. That does not out you. It does not provide any specific information that someone can use to track you down. It doesn't tell him what happened to you.

Stop running. You don't need to run this time. You are safe right now. You FEEL unsafe because you are massively triggered.

I'm sorry to give advice and especially advice that feels like I am not hearing what you are saying. I hope you can forgive me because I respect and value our friendship here and because I can viscerally feel the panic and that this is coming from a triggered place.

 

I've done this too. Multiple times. But we don't need to let trauma dictate our lives to this extent. If the field were wholly unsuitable to someone with a trauma history that would be one thing, but it's just this assignment. Get the assignment changed so you can keep going instead of changing your degree, university, city. It's OK to ask. He thinks you are shy, he doesn't know. Let him know the bare minimum he needs to know to help you pass. But again I've done this too. I'm not saying this with judgment, just a rearview mirror.

[NarcKiddo]

 

We are standing with you.

 

[Kizzie]

 

 

[Blueberry]

    

Please don't make life-changing decisions in the middle of an EF. Visit Finland some day, sure, but don't move there.

I remember talking to Head of the Dept when I was doing my Bachelor's about problems I was having with concentration. That was before the days of allowances being made for anything, but it was a relief. I didn't know about trauma then nor that I was in a semi-permanent EF that year. Also when I was doing my Honour's Paper in my final year, allowances were actually made for the whole Arts Faculty because almost everybody was late with their Honour's Paper, for whatever reason, as I was informed by the univ. library. That was not something visible in any way. I had no idea that a whole bunch of other people doing other Arts degrees where struggling too. It is really OK to ask for help, e.g. in the way Armee suggested.

Before all that, and later, I fled all the time. So I do understand. Sending good OOTS energy as support  

[Moondance]

 

[Bermuda]

I just wrote I text to send to my professor. I haven't sent it yet. I am staring at it for a while first. I think I need a bit of encouragement. In all my time as a student I have only ever written a professor once, and it was to imform him of a mistake. I did it in the shortest phrase possible, which my husband said was extremely weird. 

This is the (Google) translation of the text I have prepared to send to my professor:

I want to give an explanation for my behavior. I have CPTSD. CPTSD is an acquired neurodivergence. It can affect my cognition, memory and speech. I have a strong freeze response because of that I prepare everything I say in advance. I enjoy writing, I'm a writer, but I also write down phrases that I might need, in case I can't speak. Since I don't have a culture, a country or a family, the discussion has been particularly difficult for me. That's why I ditched the assignment and wrote about fish instead, and that's why my speech is getting worse. I will be gone for week 41. I know I will fail the oral exam, and I will do it again.

[NarcKiddo]

I think it is good to give him a way to help you. He may have questions and you will probably not want those raised verbally. Maybe you should consider adding a request that he raise any questions in writing (without promising to reply)

You are making a good step here, I think.

 

[storyworld]

Hello, Bermuda,

I haven't read everyone's replies to you, so apologize if I'm repeating something someone said or misunderstanding, etc. But I wanted to say, I am so very sorry about your experience. I can understand why you reacted to that question as you did. I imagine we all have certain things that thrust us right back in our moments of abuse/fear/hurt. I have just recently realized brown carpet is a trigger for me. (At least, I am associating current fear responses with an image of brown carpet.) To anyone else, this would probably seem highly irrational. I also understand you not wanting everyone to know you have CPTSD. I don't know how much is known about trauma and mental health where you live. (And I know, from my daughter's experience with professors in the US that many of them are out of date in their understanding in relation to many things.)

That said, is there a way to say something like, "Due to some past experiences, there are areas/time periods of my life I am currently not comfortable discussing." It seems you should have a write to decide what parts of your story you share and that it is a boundary cross for him to push you to do otherwise. Could you say something like, "When I signed up for this course, I thought I would be --doing x-- and did not know I would be asked to speak on certain time periods of my life. Is there a way I can show competency without discussing areas that I am, for personal reasons, uncomfortable discussing?"

Again, I am so very sorry for your experiences.