First post. Hello!

[BrotherAughra]

Hello! I am a 28 year old NB trans man (he/they pronouns) and I have been trying to mostly deal with this all on my own because I am very afraid of most people, and I worry about being believed or understood. My CPTSD comes from my family. Before he took his life my dad was usually absent and, when present, emotionally unpredictable and quick to scream. My mom was neglectful and verbally/emotionally abusive, but disguised most of it as "teasing." Her MO was basically to bully us out of needing her. I was parentified to take care of my violent younger brother. My grandma was a child therapist who gaslit me into thinking my mom was the best and I just needed to try harder to take care of my mom and to accept the way she expresses love (through having no boundaries and bullying us worse than any classmate.)

I left home at 18 and my mom has never tried to talk to me once. I spent a long time dissociating and blaming myself. I learned about CPTSD last year and it really got me started on trying to heal, it has not been easy. I reconnected with my older brother, and I learned our high school stepdad had once tried to push him down the stairs, and our mom knew and explained it away. He said our grandma had slapped him, emotionally abused him and that all her "advice" was just ways she taught us to cover for our mom's neglect (and I have reason to agree in retrospect.) It was just so much worse than I thought it was, and it deeply scared me to realize that my mom cared so little about us that she wouldn't care if someone tried to hurt us. My grandma cut me out and sent a drunken, angry rant about my brother and I to the grandpa I am still close to (grandma's ex husband, they are my moms parents) and blocked us both, which has me feeling really weird. She spent years playing like fairy grandmother and the message was quite bitter and angry.

As for me and where I'm at; I struggle a lot with constant fear. After learning about the stepdad, I had an intense nightmare that was so upsetting I struggled to eat the entire day. I have trouble keeping my emotions in check. I feel physical dread and fear almost every second of the day and it is exhausting. I feel like a pot about to boil over. I just want to be able to live and breathe. I am tired of my inner critic stopping me from expressing myself and I am tired of being so afraid of people that I can't even ask my boss a question without feeling intense fear. I have a boyfriend of 10 years who is truly in love with me and has supported me through everything, and I want to enjoy our life together. I fought for this calm, supportive life and I want to live it. I found Pete Walker's books helpful and want to try inner child work. I took up the bass guitar to help express myself. I want to feel allowed to speak and express myself, and I want to rid myself of the constant guilt I feel for not being "useful" enough. I just want to be able to talk to people and feel as "allowed to be here" as anyone else.

Hopefully this isn't too long! Thank you for reading.

[Papa Coco]

BrotherAughra,

Welcome to the forum. Your story really touches my heart. No child should ever have to endure so much family insanity. It sounds like you are truly a survivor. I understand the fear you feel day and night. I'm glad you learned of C-PTSD a year ago, and that it's helping you to at least identify how you came to feel this fear.

It's nice to hear that you have a 10-year long relationship with a boyfriend who is supportive. What a gift, especially with your own family being so cold and abusive.

I hope you find warmth here on this forum. It's been a godsend for me for about 2 years now. I hope you find this to be a safe place to share in your healing journey with others who are surprisingly all very similar. We all have different backstories, but we really do seem to have the same symptoms. The support I see for each other on this forum is surreal. It just feels good to have a place to talk about real issues with likeminded people. We get it. We understand each other.

I'm glad you found us. Welcome!

[Kizzie]

Welcome to OOTS     I'm so sorry for all that you have gone through and are struggling with. CPTSD is a bumpy ride to say the least but you have a community here where you will be accepted and that can help. 

 

[Moondance]

Hi BrotherAughra,

A warm welcome to you. I'm glad your here. It takes a tremendous amount of courage to get that first post going. Good on you for doing it.

I can relate to your first post quite a bit.  Most of all though the all enveloping fear that you feel is where I live as well.   

This forum has been supportive, understanding and very resourceful as well.

Wishing you well on your journey.

[Bert]

Welcome to the forum BrotherAughra,

I hope that this place becomes a useful resource for you, like it has for me.

I am so familiar with the feelings and sensation you describe in your intro. I'm so sorry that you've experienced and endured this type of behaviour from various family members. It isn't right for them to have behaved like this towards you.

I am also familiar with parts of your story, specifically the gaslighting aspect that you experienced from your grandma. Being parented by a highly troubled and/or unavailable person, to then have their gross shortcomings be supported and defended by another parental/authority figure is exceptionally confusing (to say the least) and devastating, to be honest...

The fact that you write about the feelings of fear and dread as you navigate life, rings so true to me also. And given the details of your experience around mental/emotional abuse and being gaslight is all so familiar in my story too. For me, reading your intro has afforded me to feel a little normal in my experience given the similarity of our situation. I hope that you too can afford yourself a little self-compassion and self-understanding for how you're feeling and dealing with it all.

I hope to see more of your posts around the forum and look forward to speaking with you more. Sending hugs.