Release

[j i m]

It's been a very hard week.

But I made some genuine progress I was hopeful to share.

Last night, I started slipping back into what I've been calling 'spirals'. Logically, some part of me can know that things are ok, or I'm catastrophizing, but emotionally I block these facts and become overwhelmed with fear, paranoia, grief, anger, dread, hyper anticipation. But I managed to catch myself. I heard the way I was talking in my own head... and I fully accepted it for what it was. I didn't just internally roll my eyes and think, "Yeah, right, it's 'just trauma' talking." I told myself I was triggered and started repeating a phrase my partner suggested I remember in times of difficulty. I repeated it over and over and reminded myself of some other things I've picked up reading books, talking it out, watching videos. I told myself that just because I feel something doesn't make it true. I told myself I needed to look at what was happening from a greater distance, with objective curiosity. I told myself that this past version of me is just trying to protect me. I felt thankful and reminded myself that this is no longer serving me the way it used to. It's time to take a different approach.

In the past, when things got difficult, I would really spiral, and end up pretty well shutting off for days, weeks, months, even years at a time. Shutting off was a double edged sword. It brought a sense of relief from all of the chaos and turmoil for a little while before I'd poke my head back out and eventually it would all return. But something about last night was different. It was more. I felt a true and genuine sense of release of something. A kind of uncoiling. Like a muscle that had been charley-horsed finally soothed.

I don't want to be too optimistic. I'm certain these things will come up again and again and it will take practice to get where I want to really be. But I'm renewed in feeling like it is actually possible and all of the hard work I have been putting in these last months, years, are really feeling fruitful.

Whoever you are, where ever you are, please don't give up. My heart's with you. I hope so much that you can also feel some peace.

Thank you, so greatly, to everyone here who has been so powerfully raw and compassionate. Some of you have really helped me much more than you know, just by being yourselves. I am so very grateful for you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

[NarcKiddo]

That was a great update to read. I am happy that you are feeling the progress and some of the fruits of your hard, healing work. When you have experiences like this, I think you are showing past versions of you that the present version is actually strong and capable of protecting you. And this is wonderful, because in my experience you can reassure past versions of you until you are blue in the face but until some circumstances actually makes you DO it the past versions are apt to say "yeah, yeah" and continue taking emergency action when they think it necessary.

Well done!