Looking forward to learning about myself

[CraneWings]

Hey there. I'm new to CPTSD communities, and have only spoken about this in sporadic parts to different people.

My mother has narcissistic symptoms, and my parents had a codependent marriage. I wasn't close to anyone growing up, and was aware nobody in my family or school would accept my honest personality. My dad has always been needy and possessive. He will overstep your boundaries daily and often if you let him. He physically assaulted me once, but my issues with both parents are mostly emotional abuse.

(TW: sexual abuse)
I dated an old friend as a teenager. It complicated as her mental health issues became gradually clear, and a few months later, it felt like the dynamic had changed in a significant way without my consent. My own inexperience contributed, and I didn't know how to respond until things were already out of hand. She also had PTSD from an SA she experienced as a child, and heavily codependent tendencies.

I feel I've made progress, but there are points where I still get overwhelmed often. I look forward to learning about my C-PTSD symptoms and being more honest. If it's not against any rules, I'll mention more detail in this topic at later dates.

[Hope67]

Hi Cranewings,
Welcome 
Hope 

[NarcKiddo]

Hello, and welcome. I'm sure you'll find plenty of support and friendship here.

[Papa Coco]

Hi CraneWings,

Welcome to the forum. A lot of very kind people are here. It seems like those of us with childhood trauma recovery issues tend to be some of the nicest people I ever meet. I hope this forum gives you what you need. It has been a godsend for me for the past two years. These people get me. They understand me. I trust they will be a great support for you as well.   

[Blueberry]

Hi CraneWings, a warm welcome to the forum 

We get it here. Recently I wrote that with the bizaarest of my symptoms, there's always at least one mbr on here who gets it. I hope you find the support here as good as I have found.

Looking forward to more posts from you.

If it's not against any rules, I'll mention more detail in this topic at later dates.

The rules are in Member Guidelines, so check them out if you're unsure.
https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=1616.0
Basically not too graphic on SA (or PA) and add a Trigger Warning, which you did in your post up above  

[CraneWings]

Thank you for the welcome, everyone. You're very kind.

I currently feel stressed, because I feel stuck. I'm working on a large creative project, and reached the second half, but I feel so drained that most days I either don't touch it, or barely touch it. I know the quality of the project is very high, but I still can't bring myself to it. The start was easier, and I got gradually more inconsistent.

I've started to get demotivated, because my living situation is currently with some family members who are triggering. And there's a large financial payout after this project, which would allow me to go somewhere comfortable. I love the thing I'm making, and the freedom I'll gain after I finish it. But for that, I need to finish it.

I feel tired and anxious when people ask me how it's going. It's a normal and positive conversation topic, but I just say something vague, like it's going well or I'm working hard. Which I am, but not in the sense that I'm working many hours. I'm working hard to even show up. On a productive day, I manage to take a few notes, watch a movie, and socialise as a distraction.

[Papa Coco]

CraneWings,

I can feel your lack of enthusiasm for finishing the creative project. I'm a writer. My first projects were fiction novels, but up until 2010, I couldn't get the novels out of my head and onto the page. It wasn't a motivation problem for me, it was a writer's block problem. The novels were in my head, but as soon as I'd turn on the computer my head would go blank. Each word I'd try to write felt like it was a sin that I was writing it. It felt like I was going to be punished or seriously disapointed by writing the words. At the end of page one I'd give up completely. I couldn't feel the creativity flow through me.

Then, one day in 2010, my FOO finally got so ugly and cruel that even I couldn't love them anymore. At fifty years of age, I cut myself off from the FOO. My parents, siblings, uncles, aunts, nephews and nieces. All of them. It's something I only recommend doing when there's no other choice, but if it's the right thing to do, I support anyone who feels they need to go No Contact. For me it was my FOO or my life. I chose my life. I was so suicidal I had to leave them. I changed my phone numbers and email addresses and I've never spoken to any of them since. That was in 2010.

I no more than broke free from them, and my creativity came alive in ways I didn't even know it could.

I discovered that, for me, my family had been relentless in making sure I always knew that anything I created was either stupid or made them feel angrily jealous of my creativity, so, for the first 50 years of my life they humiliated me for any creative accomplishment I'd ever had. So, at 50, when they finally were so dangerous that I couldn't live any longer with them in my life, I left them, and WOW! The creative juices just started flowing. I couldn't hold them back. I say that my first book was written so fast my fingers were smoking hot on the keyboard.

I'm not suggesting you estrange yourself from your FOO, but I'm just putting it out there that my creativity was heavy and murky as long as my FOO was still able to make me feel self-conscious for being creative. It was them who was stopping my creativity. When I read books like The Artist's Way, I see that I'm not alone in this. Books that teach how to unleash creativity seem to support that a lot of our stuck energy comes from our FOOs.

Your reason for struggling to finish this project might be totally different than mine. I just thought I'd share my experience in case any of it MIGHT resonate with you as well.

[CraneWings]

Thank you for sharing your experience, Papa Coco. It sounds like you were really struggling to create because of your FOO.

I relate to that, and I also plan to go No Contact as soon as possible. Once this piece is complete and I can go elsewhere without complication, I will. It's a good future to focus on.

I relate to your writer's block, and I think it's great that you took action, and did what you believed was best for your mental health.

I'll look into The Artist's Way as well. I'm feeling more focused today, and might complete my first hour long shift in weeks. It's exciting.

[Larry]

welcome