Poem - Life without Death (Trigger warning - suicide ideation)

[BecomingMe]

This is my poem about saying "goodbye" to death. Having battled with suicide most of my life it has not been easy to get to this point and I can honestly say now that I want to live. I cannot remember the last time I felt that. It's really hard at the moment dealing with emotions that have been buried for years but I know now that I will heal. The hardest times ARE behind me - it just doesn't "feel" that way right now.

I discovered a band called Citizen Soldier on one of the forum posts here the other day. Listening to their songs is the first time something or someone else has really captured my feelings and I find their music so powerful. The song "Give up to Ghosts" has been a real source of strength and courage for me. I encourage anyone who's struggling to listen to it.


A LIFE WITHOUT DEATH
Death introduced himself when I was a young child
When he offered his hand I was immediately beguiled
I'm certain most people could never understand
But things somehow felt easier with him holding my hand

I learned early in life I had no rights or control
And the abuse I endured ate away at my soul
I cried out for help but no-one heard my voice
So death came along and he offered me a choice

He walked quietly alongside me each day before school
He offered a way out when life was too cruel
We postponed it each day, saying there's always tomorrow
If I could no longer withstand my intense pain and sorrow

By the time I was an adult my abusers were dead
But their torments continued to replay in my head
So I built a new life and it took all of my time
And as long as I stayed busy it all seemed to be fine

For some years he was silent and I thought he had left
But he always re-appeared when I felt lost and bereft
I had packaged up my past and placed it on a high shelf
But it was futile to think I could outrun myself

Life's frequent challenges led me back to despair
And death continued to remind me that he always was there
My dependable ally, he was always steadfast
And as you do with old friends, we'd reminisce on the past

He reminded me of my shame and that I had no worth
A message that was instilled soon after my birth
I would try to turn away and not look at his face
But every time he appeared he took me back to that place

He visited me recently, offering the same trusted cure
It was incredibly hard to resist his sweet lure
I begged for relief but despite my pleading and crying
I could only receive his salvation by dying

Death's been my companion through all of these years
And saying goodbye has reduced me to tears
But he's no longer helpful and it's time to part ways
I know I'll meet him again at the end of my days

I'm sure this all sounds just crazy - let's not try to pretend!
But it's hard to say bye to such a long-standing friend
Death kept me alive and while that may seem askew
In my darkest of times, he helped me get through

[Kizzie]

I'm so glad to hear you've reached a point in recovery where SI is behind you BecomingMe. I agree SI provides us with some relief in an odd sort of way. It's an out we keep in our back pocket so to speak, for when we are alone/isolated with the symptoms of CPTSD and it's just too much. I personally believe (hope?) once we are connected to other survivors and can bleed off some of the pain by sharing it, the need for SI will decrease.

Glad you found your way here and tk you for the poem 

 

[BecomingMe]

thank you Kizzie

[blue_sky]

I have become a huge fan of your writing BecomingMe

Another beautifully written poem with so much pain and I can totally relate.

 

[Moondance]

BecomingMe,

Thank you for your poem and for your courage to share your story.

I can so relate to these feelings.