Winter ramblings

[Bermuda]

Forgive the lengthiness.

Winter holiday, oh the feelings. I wanted to post to document my thoughts and feelings so far. Every year feels like peeling back a layer of a strong onion, and every year exposes new feelings. The early adult years were sad, and the underlying emotions were loneliness, injustice, inadequacy, and deep sadness. In recent years I have struggled a lot with traditions, the thought of tradition. I struggled a lot with the idea of rituals, creating rootedness, and lying. I can't fathom the thought of lying to my children about magic. I have since decided it is okay to tell them about the magical things people believe, framed as just something that people do for fun. This year I have new feelings. I hope you don't mind if I share them in a waffling kind of way.

My thoughts and feelings this year have been centred a lot around things, physical things. I grew up in the sort of home in which children were not allowed their own property, and when they had things, they could never be visible. It was the sort of home that when you walk in you wouldn't know children live there. I have quite a few stories of my mother destroying things that she said belonged to her, but I have shared enough about that previously.

I didn't have toys, by the time I was old enough I was too old. I let my mother sell all my things. Today I went to the toy store to buy presents for my daughter, and as I stood in line with the other parents waiting for it to open, I happened to see a display in the window of the last toy I ever owned. It set me into an emotional whirlwind. I was 6 years old, I just looked it up. The original Sky Dancers were released when I was 6 years old. I wanted one so badly, and I got one from a relative for Christmas. A couple months later I let my mother sell it. I was too old for toys. I wanted to prove to her that I was mature.

I went into the shop completely overwhelmed. I was there to shop just for my daughter today. She loves dolls. I stood in front of the dolls befuddled. So much pink. "Pink is for sissies." An unwelcome voice. I had to control my breathing. I buy things that my children like, and there is nothing wrong with pink dolls. My son wants a makeup kit with green nail polish, he also wants dinosaurs. It's fine. There is nothing wrong with being feminine. I push my thoughts from my mind and focus on the task. I load up my basket with dolls and doll furniture trying to imagine how you play with it. How will I show her how to play with these things? She always shows me.

My home is one in which everyone knows kids live here, before they even walk in. They have drawn welcome signs for the front door, and their painted window clings adorn the windows. Children live here. They refer to the family room as the play room. All the rooms are their rooms, and on winter holiday we will welcome more things. Wooden doll furniture.

I often feel drowned by the things in my home. I have conflicting feelings about it. I am at a stage in life where I am focusing so much on creating legacy. It's very different than tradition. I want to create magic, but I am so sad and so over-encumbered. Every step is a pitfall. I usually say I want nothing for the unnamed holiday, but this year I asked for buildings for a holiday village. I explained that my grandmother had one, and every year people would gift her a piece that reminded them of something special they had done with my grandmother that year, or somewhere they had been together. It was huge and ornate. When she died there was a big fight over who would get the holiday village. My grandmother had promised it to a cousin who was fascinated with it since she was a little girl, but my aunt faught and wouldn't allow it to skip a generation. I don't know where the holiday village went, but I want that. I want to foster memories, but I only have my husband, and his family don't like me. Maybe a holiday village is not something to aspire to have.

I came home from shopping, with more items than I would like to admit. I got home and began wrapping. Wrapping gifts is a pitfall of it's own. I come from a huge family, and my mother loathed gift-giving, holidays, and everyone and everything else basically. It was always my task to wrap the gifts for everyone, even my own gifts. I was given the money to do the shopping for gifts on her behalf, and I wrapped them as well. The extended family always marvelled at her gift wrapping, and I would say I had done it. I stayed up all night gift wrapping, only to be told I used too much paper and too much tape. Now, whenever I sit down to wrap gifts I'm bombarded with memories of my lack of a childhood.

I see posts about not buying children toys, saying it's better to buy them things to follow their interests or create experiences, but I just want to say as someone who didn't have toys  and they allow children to act out their interests and allow them to create experiences.

My daughter likes baby dolls. She wants to act out being loving and nurturing. I don't know how to help her with that, but I bought her dolls and I will sit next to her and follow her lead.

Feel free to share you own feelings and triggers. Take over the thread as much as you want. I never want to comment because I feel like I make things about me too much, but oddly I want others to share and make things about them.... So if you feel that way too, go for it.

[NarcKiddo]

A holiday village sounds lovely. And also a great gift idea for others, and a super way to build memories. We don't have a village of separate buildings but we do have a beautiful decoration showing part of a village. It's a corner where two rows of houses meet, and there's lights in the windows and a street lantern and snow and it is such a pretty thing. I found it in a shop, long ago closed down, just after we moved into this current house. You can't get anything like that now and even then such things were not made here. It's from one of the Nordic countries. I particularly like it now because it was the first Christmas decoration I bought after moving to this house. I have never been attached to places and did not think I would become attached to this place, but I have.

I think children should have toys and I think children should have the toys they want (within budget, obviously). I had toys as a child but nothing felt truly mine. My mother would buy us toys she would have liked as a child. We knew better than to refuse an offer even if we didn't particularly like the item in question. My mother's mother would buy us very expensive and fancy toys which were far too posh to play with. My mother always had to be involved in the naming of any toy and when I was very young she would also dragoon my father to come up with good ideas for names. When I was deemed old enough to appreciate it she bestowed on me her childhood teddy bear and that was to be my special toy.

If I had children I would probably be concerned with having our own family traditions. As it is I just try to live through the season as best I can. There are all sorts of family pressures and expectations. There are aspects I enjoy. For example I love a prettily decorated tree but I am very conflicted even so. Some years I don't bother putting up decorations. Other years I do, reluctantly, and then enjoy them and feel very sad when they have to be put away again.

I may come back to this thread to let off steam about gifts, but that will be a whole essay all of its own.

[blue_sky]

Bermuda I want to start by giving little Bermuda a hug if they're okay with it  Just a nice warm hug to the little one who IMO is amazing and so strong!

I think holidays, special events and family traditions can be such a trigger time. Although the unnamed holiday wasn't a thing in my FOO country, there are other festivals and events that I can relate to. In particular, there is one festival where you honour your sibling. In my case that would unfortunately be my perpetrator so for years I had to "worship" and honour him for "protecting" me 

It has been almost two years that I have officially been NC with the sibling. And this particular day, I have renamed it as Blue's Independence Day and instead of spending money on the bad guy, I actually spend it all on me. I buy things for myself and for little and teenage Blue.

When I moved countries, I got fascinated about the unnamed holiday. I have chosen my own family, my friends, my dearest husband and my two furbabies. We chose our own tradition. We build them and edit them as required. We have a tradition to buy something special (within budget) for each other, we have a tradition to donate to the shelter where we rescued/adopted our furbabies from. Every year I buy ONE special decoration for the tree, something meaningful.

"Family isn't always blood. It's the people in your life who want you in theirs. The ones who accept you for who you are. The ones who would do anything to see you smile, and who love you no matter what." - Maya Angelou

I love this saying. That's why I keep saying OOTS feels like a family to me. 

[Blueberry]

Your post is very moving, Bermuda.  for Little Bermuda if it feels safe.

There were a number of years when I often wandered around toy shops or the children's sections of bookshops, as an adult I mean. If you have time for that or even to buy yourself something that appeals to an Inner Child, like sky dancers (had to google that) go for it. For me, those were healing steps. As far as I can tell that idea about giving children experiences instead of toys is about not overloading children with toys and about getting parents and other family mbrs enjoying quality time with their children rather than children not having toys at all. And anyway, even if there are people who decide on 'no toys', it doesn't mean it's right for you. Children have had some form of toys since time immemorial, I can't imagine that cutting that out would be good for children.

I find wrapping gifts somehow difficult. It takes me a long time. Not sure what's going on, but something. I end up distracting myself and not getting on with it. You had to wrap your own gifts?    That shouldn't have been.

I think the idea of a holiday village is lovely too.

Generally I don't find the winter holiday season triggering. I'll see this year, since for the past while I've basically given up. It won't be too much fun or too joyous if I keep my head under a blanket for 2 weeks.

[Kizzie]

Just a quick thought Bermuda but your daughter is likely modelling a certain percentage of nurturing her dolls and that must come from you. We are hard on ourselves, maybe too hard not realizing how much we do give to our children because it matters so much to us that they don't grow up as we did. 

Recently when my H went to Nova Scotia to help my B take care of my M's estate, he and our S had some lovely long talks about how much he appreciated our love and support, how much we had given him in terms of confidence and curiosity and so on.  He is 31 so will now speak about these things but it made me understand these feelings were always in there even if he did not articulate them.  I'll bet your kids will say similar things as they get older.

Just a final note, if you can't get your GM's Christmas village maybe each year you can gift yourself a piece? They are so charming, I love them too.   

[Bermuda]

Sorry it has taken me so long to reply. I have been defunct. I have heard all the comments.

NK, you let that steam flow, better a locomotive than a bomb.

blue_sky, I cannot fathom you having to celebrate him. Even being forced to see my brother was traumatising for me. What a horrible, horrible thing. I am so glad you got away and built a new family. I have more feelings toward that, that are just impossible to express. You are strong.

Blueberry, the thought of gifting myself things is still quite difficult for me. I love gift-giving, but the process of shopping, and especially for myself is difficult. I did however buy myself quite an expensive vintage dress last month after an exceptionally bad day. I guess I find it easier to justify a secondhand useful item while everything else seems frivolous and wasteful. I am only just now conscious of that as I am writing, so I suppose I have something to address now. Hah.

Kizzie, I don't know what my kids will say, but I know how I will reply. I will listen. I will accept their point of view. I will try to be what they need, even if it doesn't seem to make sense to me. I'm not perfect, especially lately. I'm so frazzled. I can't control everything, but I can listen and grow. I can tell them when I am wrong, so they don't grow up thinking that I am right. I have been so snippity lately.

I told my husband I needed a holiday, and he immediately booked up a weekend away in a cabin. It was lovely. We roasted marshmallows on a campfire, explored a hayloft, found a stinkhorm mushroom egg... But like the meme says, "Going on holiday with small kids is simply parenting in more challenging locations." Not well rested, but well distracted at least. Now I can continue forward with this winter holiday weight.

[Armee]

It was a beautiful and sad post Bermuda. You deserved so much love. I just marvel at what a beautiful gift you give your children by being you as their mom. They are loved. They feel loved. they get to be children. You are a great mom. And I agree with NK your daughter learned how to nurture her dolls from you.

I'm trying to think what your posts connects to for me. Holidays were a mixed bag. I think often we'd be sent to our grandparents house early ahead of the holiday. That was amazing. Even though my grandma was strict, her strictness made sense. If I lied I'd get paddled. But the paddling was to help me know right from wrong. At home, it was psychotic. There weren't lessons other than don't say anything or do anything because what is going to cause my mom and stepdad to fly off the handles is not predictable.

So we'd be with our grandparents who were the closest things we had to real parents and we loved them and they loved us. My grandpa would take photos. My grandma would decorate cookies with us. Later my mom and sometimes stepdad would join depending on if he was in our lives that year. And then there would be massive terrifying fights. One I remember sitting downstairs hearing her scream at everyone upstairs and hearing my kind placid aunt scream back at her that she deserved to go to jail for what she was doing to us kids. I don't know what she was doing to us kids. 

Later when my kids were young my mom wanted to adopt that tradition of decorating cookies with my kids. I thought that was nice. Her last year alive she was angry with me she wanted to do it but then would not want to do it. She was tired of course with cancer so I offered to bring the decorations to her porch and do all the prep and cleanup but she didn't want to. She was angry with me because I had finally decided I was going to stop catering to her and was going to do something else for Christmas I think it was go to my brother in laws house. Or else we werent going to do anything at all? Oh yes, that was it...we were going to go to her porch to open presents but not have a gathering because it was the peak of COVID and things were locked down. Being in public health i felt obligated to follow the rules. I was also exhausted and so tired of having to host every single holiday gathering...Thanksgiving and then Christmas every single year so we could still see my in laws but also cater to my mom. I was so tired. I was still working. Kids were home because of the pandemic. I was taking care of my mom and all her appointments.

It would be her first Christmas alone and she was angry because her sister in Maine was seeing her kids...but Maine is different from California and the risk was low. And she had cancer and i had kids.

She refused to put up Christmas decorations. She complained to my aunt and sister and all her neighbors how much she loved Christmas decorations but was just too tired to do it this year. The neighbors would offer to help her and she'd say oh no I'll ask my daughter to do it. My aunt and sister would tell me how much she wanted her decorations up and implore me to help her. I'd offer. She'd push my offer away. Then she'd tell everyone else how much she wanted them up and how I was going to help her. Then word would get back to me and I'd offer again and again but she'd push my help away.

This went on for weeks. I was constantly being told how I needed to help her and how much she wanted them up but to me she'd insist angrily she did not want them up and did not want to celebrate and did not want my help.

Eventually she agreed she did want them up and we made arrangements for the kids to come visit her and for me and my husband to help decorate. She cancelled last minute and then continued to tell my aunts and sister how sad she was she couldn't have decorations and continued to tell the neighbors I was going to help her. She wanted to make me look like a jerk and also she was like a raging toddler in an old woman's body.

These types of thing would happen all the time. She made it sound to my aunt and sister like I never came and saw her never brought her food never helped her and only her neighbors were doing these things. Meantime I was there multiple times a week.

She ended up in the hospital for several months that Christmas during the peak of covid when no one could visit her because hospitals would not allow anyone in. She never forgave me because she thought I put her in the hospital (she had a massive toxic reaction to chemo and doctors ordered her there or she would have died. She nearly did).

That was the year I had to reckon with how could I be a kind person like I thought I was but sob for an entire day when I found out she was going to make it and wasn't dying.

Wow stream of consciousness about the holidays went dark....I kind of forgot about that last Christmas "with" her. It was torture to be in her life and yet she wasn't trying to be cruel either. But sometimes she was. Ugh. I think there's still some healing to do.