New here

[whs]

Hello

Hoping that this forum will be a place I can share and be understood.  I have not had that in so long.

Wow, just writing that brings tears.  A very rare occurrence...

[colicmel]

Hello and welcome, I am new too but just by reading through some threads on here it seems like there are many here who will understand.

[NarcKiddo]

Welcome. Of course you can share and I guarantee there are people who will understand. Most of us, probably, if not all of us.

I hope the tears felt therapeutic. Well done for finding the courage to join.

[Armee]

Welcime hugs, if they feel safe and ok.

It is a relief to finally feel understood and to feel like what's happening to you makes sense and to not feel alone with it all anymore. Tear worthy for sure (also there are a lot of us on here who can't cry or feel emotions other than shame, you're not alone in the not crying department).

[whs]

Welcome. Of course you can share and I guarantee there are people who will understand. Most of us, probably, if not all of us.

I hope the tears felt therapeutic. Well done for finding the courage to join.

Grew up with the notion that boys do not cry and men are stoic. So part of me feels guilt when it happens.  The thinking part then dismisses the guilt. 

Part of coping for me is to review feelings (feeling side) and decide if they are rationale (thinking side).  If not, try to ignore them.  The challenge is doing that mid conversation, without undue pauses that some take as being "slow" in thought.

[whs]

Welcime hugs, if they feel safe and ok.

It is a relief to finally feel understood and to feel like what's happening to you makes sense and to not feel alone with it all anymore. Tear worthy for sure (also there are a lot of us on here who can't cry or feel emotions other than shame, you're not alone in the not crying department).

Either I do not understand what feeling shame is like or I do not feel it.  Others try at times to shame me, but I either push back because it is coming from ignorance, or if that does not work then turn to avoidance.  Many think they can "read" body language but often do not "get" me when they try.   
 For example, reading "fear of not being believed" (a trigger) as "not telling the truth".

[Kizzie]

Either I do not understand what feeling shame is like or I do not feel it.  Others try at times to shame me, but I either push back because it is coming from ignorance, or if that does not work then turn to avoidance. 

So many of us here would give our right arm to stop feeling the shame we were indoctrinated with so that's awesome you don't feel it.  Also great that you have boundaries enough to push back or turn away 

As a couple of members wrote, there are a lot of survivors who can't cry because of similar messages you got about crying being weak or whatever, or they knew to cry was to bring down more abuse on them so they swallowed it along with any anger or fear.

Such a very messed up way to grow up, so most here will understand what you post about and it's a relief not to be alone with our CPTSD anymore. 

[Larry]

Hi WHS,  welcome 

[whs]

TW - Trigger Warning

Either I do not understand what feeling shame is like or I do not feel it.

I think the lack of shame is because I am 100% certain that the reoccurring accusation's are not true.  I was labelled gay in my early teens in a community that was openly hostile towards that 'lifestyle' at the time.  I was too young and naive to understand what it meant back then.  I was subjected to daily harassment, ridicule, hatred, threats, shoving, attempts to pressure me to change, etc. This by dozens of students, teachers, admins, church leaders, etc.  It was over a year before someone explained what it meant in terms that opened my eyes to what it was about (my first response was "how is that even possible"?) It was then I became certain it was not true for me.  But, by then it was too late.  Denials were dismissed or ignored.

Note, I am tolerant of those who are gay, but not of those who are abusive to anyone they think is (true or not).

Note, I left my family unaware of what was happening.  Home was my sanctuary.

Today, the rumors are still occurring.  Mostly in church settings when I am asked to share my witness.  Despite being married, having a son, and no one being able to identify any instance where i did something like that.  The flashbacks I get when the topic is broached make it had for people to believe me.

[Papa Coco]

WHS,

Welcome to the forum.

I truly, TRULY resonate with your story. I want to tell you mine too, but it's sort of long. I'll tell it to you if you ever want to hear it, but for now I'll just throw out a quick summary. The cliff notes. 

In summary, At 10 years of age, my best friend tried to give me a ring. I was confused by that and didn't accept it. He became infuriated. Today I know he was a narcissist and did what all narcissists do: He accused me of being what he was. I'll keep this short: The entire school believed it. From age 10 to 14 I answered to the nickname "Homo" and didn't even know what it meant. I was in a Catholic school, where my peers had shunned me, humiliated and beaten me, and convinced me that I was gay and that even God hated me. I became seriously hypervigilant, as I spent the next many years trying to keep that nickname from leaking out of the school and infecting my family and neighborhood friends.

When 8th grade graduation effectively ended the abuse by the church kids and teachers, I went to a new school and made friends hand-over-fist, some of whom are still my friends today, 50 years later. But it was too late. Those years before puberty are so incredibly critical to who we believe we are, that I have been a suicidal, anxiety-ridden mess ever since. Having all my friends turn so viciously against me because I didn't know I was supposed to accept a ring, has left me always sure that I am one mistake away from making any friend or loved one turn on me and then turn my entire world against me.

I didn't know what gay meant. I didn't know what a "homo" was. But I answered to it because they convinced me it was true.

At age 22, I married a cute young lady who happens to be slightly on the autism spectrum. She's just high enough on the spectrum that she is completely honest and always on my side. That's how we've stayed together for nearly 41 years now. Honesty is paramount with me. It helps me feel less afraid that I don't know what she's really thinking, because if she's thinking it...she says it. I like that. I NEED that.

Today I am a staunch advocate for LGBTQ rights. My mantra is: It isn't being gay that makes gay children 9 times more suicidal than straight children, it's the way bad people treat them that makes them suicidal."

My story is much longer and has a lot of complexity already worked out. I've been writing about it and talking about it for 20 years now, so I have a lot to say about what it feels like to be in the shoes of someone who has been through what you and I have been through.

For now I just want to say that whenever you feel the need to reach out to others who might feel what you're feeling, the people on this forum are kind and usually pretty tuned in to know what it feels like to be where you are at any given time. Any time you really want to dive down deep into the years you were being abused for what they said you were, I'll be quick to respond, because it's a topic I am always ready to discuss.

If I can be selfish for a second, I'm thankful to you for sharing this story because sometimes I need to know that I'm not the only person who has lived through what I've lived through also.

[whs]

I'm thankful to you for sharing this story because sometimes I need to know that I'm not the only person who has lived through what I've lived through also.

WOW! I have never known of anyone with a history even remotely similar to mine before.  Although I am very sorry to hear that it happened to you.  Still it validates my story in a way, with those who say I must have imagined it, that it could never have happened, that I must not be telling the whole truth.

So much of what you say parallels my story.  Not understanding what it meant, working to keep it compartmentalized in my life, wanting honesty to be fully transparent, deep seated fear that the "world" may just turn on me at any moment.

left me always sure that I am one mistake away

I believe that doing what is right in your eyes is never a mistake.  When we do not do what others want, some will get very nasty or manipulative as a result.  But I have to live with my conscience.  If I do what others want when it does not seem right I will feel guilt and those very same people will see that and try to use it.  When I do what I see as right I can and will defend that no matter how much it results in being hated or punished. For example, refusing to admit to offenses I have not done no matter what the consequences of refusal bring.
 

[Armee]

I'm so sorry you were bullied for so long through your youth and still have to contend with active triggers with the rumors at church events.

It makes sense to me, why you don't experience shame, that you seem to have had safety and support at home and have that experience of safety at home. Im glad you escaped at least that part of cptsd.

Again, welcome to the forum and as you see from PapaCoco's story, you'll find people here who do understand, and you being here and sharing what you have been through and are going through is helpful to others, too.

[Papa Coco]

WHS,

I am intrigued by your situation where you don't feel shame. I'm so the opposite of that. But I'm in a place right now where I'm being given the chance to learn how to address that. In fact, just last night, as I was binge-watching old Tosh.0 episodes, I got a strong message. Daniel Tosh was interviewing a young, not so famous comedian. He gave this comedian some advice that really, really struck me. To the comment that being a comedian sets you up to be ridiculed by "the haters" on Social media, He said, "I'm going to give you the best comedic advice that was ever given to me--; Everyone is wrong. And it just doesn't matter. Just do what you want to do, and if you enjoy doing it...great." D. Tosh. To me, that was a message that we should be who we are and not let others' criticism stop us.

I'm learning that the shame is not necessary, and I'm hoping to move forward in my healing a little faster if I'll accept that concept.

Thanks for bringing it in to my view.

I think I worry that if I don't feel the shame that it makes me a narcissist. That's absurd in real life, and I'm learning that I am of no use to anyone if I stay steeped in shame for things I have absolutely no reason to feel shame for.

[whs]

Papa coco

The statement that everyone else is wrong (not your statement) seems hyperbolic.
 
But it makes me want to clarify...   I am/was referring to doing what I think is right when being pressured to do something else.  Like the boss who tries to talk me into stealing food from the cafeteria.  I refuse, but am somewhat torn because I am also being disobedient to an authority that can make my work-life more difficult.

[Papa Coco]

WHS

Thanks for clarifying. That's one of my least favorite moral dilemmas when our superiors direct us to bend--or brake--the rules. We have to go inside and search our morals and our values and decide what to do about it. Sometimes, in order to keep a job, the answer isn't as easy as it should be. I'd never let anyone tell me to steal food from a cafeteria, but I hate it when a superior tells me to find (and acquire) him a better desk chair from another office. It's not technically stealing if we don't take it off property, but still...knowing where to draw the line for me is not always easy.