Remberin

[Remberin]

Hello everyone. I am struggling mega hard right now and since forever. I lived through abuse as a child and it turns out I've had OCD at least since I was 8. My life has just been filled with so much pain. There's traumas, disabilities, illnesses, and trust issues. Everything seems to be reinforcing each other. With mental health, I've been hospitalized in the psych ward over 6 times, seen specialists, done intensive programs. Nothing helps. It feels like every time I try something, it backfires in some way. It's gotten so hard to keep trying. I just honestly don't know what I can do anymore.

As a child, my father was an alcoholic (later dying from OD of hard drugs when I was 26) and my mother was a control freak. We were low income. My little brother used to have a terrible temper which I got the brunt of. Physical torment multiple times a week. My mother didn't do anything about it and sometimes blamed me.  I also got in a serious bike crash with a serious concussion. After several years, my family ended up splitting up; my dad and I in one state and my brother, mother, and her "boyfriend" in another state 1k miles away.

I was finally free from the physical abuse but something even worse started. My (undxed) OCD started focusing on a certain aspect of my physical health that I don't want to get into, but anyway it took control of my psyche and started to completely unravel my life. I knew it was going to ruin me. I knew it was a self-fulfilling prophecy, but I couldn't stop because I knew nothing about OCD. It was awful. I, a previously school-focused kid, started missing chunks of school in 11th and 12th grade to try to sleep the days away. It was eating me up. I could not find any help because it was so terribly embarassing and the few doctors I did see were no help. I ended up being controlled by suicidal thoughts for much of my 20s because of this issue. I had no success in my career because of the emotional difficulties.

I tried to get help with meds and therapy, but obviously they weren't very helpful. I tried my heart out, but nothing could heal the holes in my soul. Then I started having new health problems in my mid 20s. Doctors constantly minimized what I was going through and denied me (which I was already so sensitive to from before). They blamed it on "depression" and kept saying I was fine. Then my dad died as the problems were getting really bad. I had to live with people for free for 7 years, including the first 3 of the pandemic.

The pandemic has been incredibly hard for me with my personal anxieties. I have no sense of community and I feel constantly under attack as a disabled person. I have very little hope or faith and am so terrified of what is going on in the world at large. To top it all off, my partner's kid was diagnosed with cancer 5 months into us moving in together, and we're going to have to sell the house and move.

Support is appreciated. I honestly don't know if I can hang on.

[Kizzie]

Hello and a warm welcome to OOTS Remberin.  I am so sorry to hear of all that you have gone through and are going through.  Life is hard enough without having trauma layering on top.

I am the Admin here so I looked up where you live, then went to Psychology Today's database and searched for trauma therapists. There quite a few to choose from. I won't put the link here as it would identify where you live, but just go to this link https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists and put in your location. If you're close to another city you could also look there as many therapists will work online. Broadening your scope may help you find the right T to work with.

Coming here and sharing what's going on and also starting therapy with a professional who knows trauma are two good places to start.  Having support can help when you feel like you can't hang on. 

[tofubreadchillicoriander]

Wow, Remberin. It looks like you're going through a lot. I'm so sorry to hear about your partner's kid. I hope you and your partner get support (this forum, relatives that are healthy and supportive, a therapist, friends) as I can only imagine how hard it must be to care for your loved one who suffers from cancer. My father, upon autopsy, was discovered to have cancer, so I can somewhat relate, though I can only imagine how it is when a child you care for is diagnosed with this illness.

It must be difficult to be in your situation where there is combined adversity. Please be kind to yourself and make sure to budget in self care practices.

I do not know what is the situation in your state and/or whether finances allow, but have you tried to see if there are any OCD specialized therapists in your area? If not, maybe a trauma therapist? I'm sorry to hear the doctors you saw were dismissive. Their role is to be curious and get educated on their patients illnesses, NOT to dismiss them. I don't know why, but I get the feeling they must have been psychiatrists (not that I've anything against psychiatrists -I'm sure there are good ones out there-, it's just that more often than not I've encountered dismissive ones that doubt their clients rather than befriending them).

[whs]

Hello Remberin;

Sorry about all the tribulations you have experienced, but happy that you have survived them to tell us about them here.
You are stronger than you realize...

[NarcKiddo]

I am sorry you are struggling with so many difficulties.

Welcome to OOTS. I hope you find comfort here.

[Armee]

 

[storyworld]

Rememberin,
I'm sorry you are in such pain. I wanted to pop in to hopefully offer some encouragement, or at least let you know you're not alone. I have OCD also. Contamination OCD. I do understand the shame that can attach itself to the condition. I have found mine has decreased in intensity and I attribute this to two things: First, I'm on anti-anxiety medication, which has helped me immensely. Second, I've been working through some of my past gunk. I also read that Accelerated Resolution Therapy can help with OCD, and I think perhaps EMDR does as well (although I'm not sure). I have been told that OCD is often the result of past trauma. I don't know how often this is the case, but if there is a strong connection, then it seems to me that as one heals from their past trauma, their OCD decreases.

One thing that has helped me immensely is that I have been more open about my OCD. As mine is contamination, I find eating out (when waitresses hold a glass where I would place my mouth/drink from, or when eating utensils are placed on the table rather than the napkin) stressful, so when eating out with others, I simply say, "I'm a germaphobe" and then express what I need in that moment to feel safer. (Ex: I need a new fork, please.") I have found people are very understanding and accommodating. I also choose what aspects of my OCD I want to share and with whom. I will say, with my version, covid made it easier for me to acknowledge as suddenly everyone understood the fear of contamination, to some extent.

Again, sorry for your pain.

[tofubreadchillicoriander]

Such good points, storyworld. Not that suffering from OCD is fun (and not that I would know as I don't suffer from it, though I can imagine).

[Remberin]

Hi everyone. Thanks for the kind words. I really appreciate them.

I'm hoping being connected here can help me, although I'm really not sure how I should go about best using the site. I guess it varies from person to person. I really wish I had more like-minded people IRL because in the real world there's so much of this attitude that much of this is my fault. I think that's part of the culture that keeps us cogs in the cruel machine.

Also I'm a little worried (it's probably nothing) about the name I chose here, different from my normal online names to stay anonymous. It's Remberin (as in "ember"), not Rememberin, but I'm not sure how important other people getting your name 100% correct is for the functioning of the website.

Anyway, replies to specific people (I've cut down the quote sizes to take up less space):

have you tried to see if there are any OCD specialized therapists in your area?

Coming here and sharing what's going on and also starting therapy with a professional who knows trauma are two good places to start.  Having support can help when you feel like you can't hang on. [...]

I'm on anti-anxiety medication [...] I have been told that OCD is often the result of past trauma. I don't know how often this is the case, but if there is a strong connection, then it seems to me that as one heals from their past trauma, their OCD decreases. [...]

So yeah... I've tried lots of therapy, including trauma and OCD specialists, and lots of meds. Unfortunately I've had so many problems with those. It all feels so forced and like they're not addressing the root problems. I don't like to go straight to talking about finding another therapist. I mean that with my whole chest, so please respect it. I have trauma from the psychiatric system. Some therapists have treated me really poorly, some have refused to continue treating me due to insurance BS. I just have so much pain wrapped up in that so that is not the support I'm looking for right now. I will open up my search again when I'm ready.

Yes, I agree that my OCD definitely seems to be related to my trauma/abuse/CRTR. I've wondered if OCD is a form of CPTSD, back before I found this site. But unfortunately, I've tried many therapists and meds already. My 2nd major health crisis (starting in my mid 20s) affects the way I process all kinds of drugs, including alcohol, advil, other painkillers, medicinal MJ, and every psych med I've tried. It's really scary and really sad for me, actually.

Unfortunately the side effects for psych meds are too much for me to handle. It's traumatizing to go through those side effects. I also have trauma about psychiatrists and therapists pushing me to stay on meds to "fix" me and ignoring/minimizing the side effects. It makes me feel so broken, so wrong. But also so betrayed by those people. I think honestly the first step is to better address the health problems, but so far that has been incredibly hard for me. Opening up here is giving me some hope though, so maybe I can work towards that at my own pace.

As far as those treatment modalities go, Storyworld, thanks for the info. I'll use that when I open up my therapist search again.



Well, it feels good to get that out, at least. Please be gentle with me. I hope I didn't offend anyone, and I certainly didn't mean to. But it's very important for me to set boundaries because I have a lot of triggers that bring up so much stored pain. I hope you all understand.

[tofubreadchillicoriander]

Remberin, so sorry you had to endure retraumatization at the hands of professionals who are there to, supposedly, help you in the first place. I had my share of incompetent people so I know how it is, although not to the extent of your experience.

If you're looking just for support on this forum, one place suitable for whatever frequency you decide on (hourly, daily, weekly etc.) is the journaling section: https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?board=61.0 . There, you can write unlimited posts, in your dedicated thread, and other members will read your journal and even write to you offering support. Of course, this is just one approach - writing specific issues in specific (sub)forums on this website is also a viable option. It's up to you to choose what's best for you.

If you're in a crisis and you require immediate help, I strongly urge you to call a helpline in your country.

[Remberin]

Thanks tofu. I'll look at the journaling section. And I'm not currently in a spiral or anything, although I definitely have been in those. ... I think I just realized the way I communicate about my issues is heavily influenced by the time restrictions that you always get in therapy. Hopefully I can relax out of those habits in time

[tofubreadchillicoriander]

You're very welcome. Your posts can be as long or as short as you want them to be. Feel free to express yourself as you like (of course, within the forum rules).

Hope you're having a nourishing Christmas day. 🎄🎁

[Remberin]

Thanks so much! You too

[storyworld]

Remberin,
I apologize if my response felt dismissive or like I was trying to give advice. Thank you for sharing your feelings of frustration regarding therapy and medication. I'm glad you are here and I hope this forum provides comfort and encouragement and is a space where you feel welcome and accepted.

[blue_sky]

Hi Remberin, Welcome to OOTS.

I'm sorry about what you've been through. You are such a strong fighter like all of us here at OOTS.

I don't think you need to worry about what name you choose for the site as long as you're comfortable with it. And I think you can change it if you want to. (although an admin could probably confirm this).

It can be quite difficult to find like-minded people IRL but with time hopefully you find connection even through OOTS.
One way I found people who could connect/ understand what I talk about was when I did group therapy like DBT. But the one I did was only 9 people so it felt more close-knit.

Well, it feels good to get that out, at least.

Glad you feel that way. Feel free to write as you want. I have found that people in OOTS are so understanding and respectful of each other as we all have been through some kind of trauma and we get it. Hope you are having a good day today.