How to forget *TW PA*

[Phoebes]

This new year is weird. Usually I feel a sense of renewed energy, goals or inspiration. This year it's just another day, but I feel down on myself that it's been a long time now-almost a decade- since going NC and learning and trying to heal. I've felt a real setback and major depression lately, and a lot of shame about not moving forward or making things happen that I wanted to happen in my life.

One thing that keeps popping into my mind often, with visual, auditory and olfactory reminders is the PA aspect, and how I feel like these memories that were entertained so much with the EA and VA are the ingredient that makes it so confusing.

Maybe it is because my NM always claimed she never laid a hand on me, "only threatened." Or retold stories to new people implying she would have never treated her kids that way." Yet, I remember the enraged looks on her face as she was doing it, making me feel like she could have easily killed me, accidentally or on purpose. I remember the sadistic methods and unfair and extremely harsh "reasons" for doling out such abuse.

Her husband recently told me (in a Hoover) that "she is traumatized by how she raised me." What? I thought she "doesn't remember!" Now it's just more "poor her." Yet she has never issued a real apology, just vague gaslighting ones like "sorry if I did things I don't remember."

It's all so crazy, I logically know the deal, I understand the whole thing and why..it makes no sense to give it a morsel of energy. I just still have a lot of flashbacks or memories of it at many random things throughout my days. Just the sight of my cousins is a reminder, because a lot of amped up abuse happened when they were around, and many times it was me getting PA for what THEY in fact did.

[Armee]

 

It's so hard when the abusers are still in our lives because even though logically we know things they make our brains feel crazy with the twisted stuff they say and do. Even though NC if her husband is still relaying messages she's still there in your life. I'm sorry.

I don't know if this will somehow help you feel better. When you think about the way you see the rage as she'd abuse you if there is any doubt in your account...you are right that these things happened and you are right about how you interpreted them. We (me and my sis) knew the same with my mom but also without proof you wonder if you are the crazy one. But our mom made an offhand comment as if it were funny one day toward the end of her life in the doctors office about how she should have thrown my sister off the Golden Gate Bridge. She smiled like it was the cutest thing to say. Meanwhile it just hung in the air as proof of what we knew.

It's a horrible thing to really accept but please also don't doubt yourself or your perception of what was going on. You are right about it. It's horrible. In the world there are some people like that. It isn't your fault or anything you did wrong. Just bad draw of the proverbial straws, like all of us here.

You aren't crazy or wrong or confused about what happened. You know.

[Phoebes]

Thank you, Armee, for that important reminder. It took me a couple of years of NC for it to sink in that she in fact gaslit me so much I had always questioned my reality. Not that it happened, because I remember many instances clearly. But that there was any issue with it. She was after all the parent and could do as she pleased (I was raised to believe.)

The only mistake lately is I thought her husband was blocked on my phone. My sister, I
Niece and nephew are in my life, and theirs, so unfortunately I hear the random situation or comment. My niece and nephew don't know why I am NC. I assume they just think I'm wrong for it. They can't imagine. Although when she says an off color comment that to me would have been not a thing at all, they are very hurt, or sad, or angry at how "mean" or "strange" she can be. I wish she could be a distant memory but I don't want to lose them, or they me.

It's weird how NM, ND, and my GC sister all claim to not remember a single thing. Yet I remember "too much."

[Armee]

That's a tough balancing act, staying in touch with some of the family and trying to protect yourself too. I'm glad you know it is real, as hard as it is. The gaslighting is crazy making.

It's also weird how siblings experience things differently. I was actually the GC. It was just my way of coping with the situation and just trying something different than what my sister was trying. Neither approach worked out for our mental health though. Both were quite damaging. I also have almost no memory. It must be a protective thing. The only way to act like the GC is to simply not register the things. My sister tells me all sorts of stories and I'm always like "really? That happened?" Things I should remember, but only remember instead that "things like that would happen." I hope someday your sibling will accept and understand what happened and support you. The thing I feel the worst about from my childhood is that I tried to soothe my mom instead of my sister. But at the same time I was just a kid, 5.5 yrs younger just trying my own bag of tricks to keep things a little ok in the house.

I don't know if it's helpful or not helpful to share those things but I'm thinking about you and knowing a little bit of how painful it is. (I was "split" all bad by the end of my mom's life, even though I was her primary caregiver, so I kind of get a little bit the scapegoat role too, though not as a developing kid, which is much worse than as an adult.)

[Phoebes]

Yeah, I don't know where you fall age wise in comparison to your sibling. I am 7 years older, so a LOT had happened, in private, by the time my GC sis came along. Even so, there would be things she was allowed to do that I wasn't, and many unfair instances. I questioned one of the, ONCE, and that is all it took for me to keep my mouth shut.

I would say NM was malignant and sadistic. She enjoyed making me miserable and now had GC as another source of sadistic supply. She said to me she was the favorite because they had more in common. Oh. Is that a thing parents think and say?

[Armee]

Not a thing healthy parents say, no.

[Phoebes]

Well-said 

[NarcKiddo]

What?! SHE is traumatised by how she raised you? Gosh, my heart bleeds for her. /end sarcasm.

Honestly is there no end to the self-centredness of these people?

The sibling differences resonate with me. I am nearly 6 years older than my sibling, so, like you, plenty happened before mine came along. Neither of us had consistent roles growing up, but she was certainly the GC for a good portion of my earlier childhood.

I am not sure how one forgets any kind of abuse. I mean, I have very few memories of the period of my life before my sibling arrived, and I am not sure why. The memories I have are not unhappy but nor are they happy. Then from age 6 I remember loads of things in vivid technicolour and I wish I didn't. I am pretty sure that I probably have some memories from earlier but I guess I blocked things out then and continue to do so. That's not forgetting, though. I guess we just have to deal with the memories as they come up.

Wishing you all the best as you continue along your healing path this year.

[Phoebes]

Yes, poor her. Just like poor her that her father SA me. And poor her that she PA me because she was "just doing what was done to her." (You know, in those times she doesn't remember.)

My family comments on my vivid memory from a young age as some kind of "bad" trait, like it's akin to holding grudges. I can describe in detail the apartment we lived in that we moved out of before I turned 2, etc.

It's funny, when I was in kindergarten, and my sister was about to be born, a teacher came to ME and said, "I bet you're so excited to become a big sister!" I distinctly remember that being the first time I felt someone be concerned with how I felt. I remember feeling kind of confused and "seen" at the same time. Someone concerned with how I felt?? Does not compute, but it felt nice.

The way my mom "taught" me was by hitting, slapping, "marching me to the bathroom" in stores to be whipped. Whipped in front of people, in public or in front of neighbors, etc. this happened a lot before my sister came along and then through the age of 12 or so. Very humiliating and much older than my peers. After I'd have been banished to my room and could often hear her in the yard talking to the neighbor saying how "when I say jump she knows to do it and not ask how high or she knows what's coming!" In her "tone." Always a tone of disgust or denigration. In hindsight she was painting a picture of what a "disrespectful bad kid" I was so no alarms would be raised, because I'm sure she thought they could hear the abuse. And they were old so they were like oh yeah you gotta discipline!

Anyway, dad was mostly gone but was present for it enough to know, and he did nothing. There were so many instances, sadistic and twisted. Not just "I did something wrong and got spanked." I would love to completely forget, get it out of my body..sometimes I can't wait to know what the next life will bring because this one is so broken.

[Armee]

Aw I'm so sorry Phoebes. And you can even see the inconsistencies in her stories from the piece you tell of her convincing the neighbors you were a bad kid so deserved to be punished...juxtaposed with her gloating that if she says jump you know to do it and not ask questions.

Sorry. You didn't deserve the abuses you were forced to endure.

[Phoebes]

Thanks, Armee. It took until almost 50 yo for the injustice to sink in. she is full of contradictions, depending who she is around. It's not just childhood, it's throughout life, and even tho we have been NC a long time, she is still smear campaigning. But she always did.

I know now that none of her behavior was about me, and I was just born to this person by chance. I know some realms of thought say that we "choose" our life of family. Tell that to the millions of kids being trafficked as sex slaves! I get confused by TOO much information on the internet and ways of framing things. I guess what trips me up is the trauma bond and at times remembering the "good", and missing that, or what I perceived it to be.

[Phoebes]

Thanks, Armee. It took until almost 50 yo for the injustice to sink in. she is full of contradictions, depending who she is around. It's not just childhood, it's throughout life, and even tho we have been NC a long time, she is still smear campaigning. But she always did.

I know now that none of her behavior was about me, and I was just born to this person by chance. I know some realms of thought say that we "choose" our life or family. Tell that to the millions of kids being trafficked as sex slaves! I get confused by TOO much information on the internet and ways of framing things. I guess what trips me up is the trauma bond and at times remembering the "good", and missing that, or what I perceived it to be.

[sanmagic7]

i've been struggling w/ the idea of forgetting my ex and all that happened recently, too, phoebes. have talked w/ my therapist about it and she told me the extent and complexity (all that mental/emot. abuse is never simple) of it is what makes it so difficult to get out from under it.

i believe it's wrapped around my neural networks and has changed them, so i'm working on changing them back, but that's a very slow and tedious project. i've also had him appear in my life, either directly or remotely, which brings all the crapola from the past rushing to the forefront of my mind once again.

it's a battle, a struggle, but i really think all we can do is keep fighting. if writing about it helps, please continue. love and hugs 

[Phoebes]

  Thanks San.

I hope your nervous system is able to heal fully. It really helped me to learn that it's not just all in my brain, but in my nervous system, and that that is a normal response. A big problem throughout life has just been being shamed and also shaming myself for not just being able to get over stuff easily or put things in the past. It seems like the oblivious people believe they do that and are able to. Maybe ignorance really is bliss. I've just always wanted the truth because I knew there was so much truth that was never uncovered.

Anyway, I guess it is ongoing and may be cyclical. I'm getting in a better headspace now and I really never want to revisit that low headspace I was in before Christmas. I just found out my sibling is getting married so that will be one more event, I will likely see, the group of abusers. It's sad that I can't enjoy the thought of going to my own sister's wedding or nieces performance or anything like that. I think it should be the crappy people that are stressed about it not me.

[sanmagic7]

you'd think the crappy people would be somehow stressed, but i think their crappiness just doesn't give a care.  nope, it's us uncrappy people who wear the wounds and try to muck thru somehow.

i've held that shame about not getting over something, have also been judged/questioned by others why not just 'let go'. i agree w/ you, it's in our entire nervous system, possibly even down to a cellular level, which prevents us from living by platitudes (let go and let god from 12-step programs - i can't tell you how many times i've heard that one!)

i know i can say in my head, and to you, that the shame/blame belongs to the perps, and i truly believe that, but that doesn't prevent it from creeping up and upsetting me over and over.  we'll get thru this.  keep up the good work, ok?  love and hugs