Dissociation in Therapy

[Dyess]

Okay almost made it out of the session without dissociating. I try so hard to keep that from happening but either my guard was down or it was just meant to be. I don't know.
"Yesterday just as the session was about to close I made a comment of we had talked about a lot in that session and then it hit me. So zoned out, I could hear my T talking to me but it was like she was so far away, or even muffled. I verbally responded back to her with a "yes" a couple of times, I think. When she realized I was dissociating she asked me to find 5 Blue things in the room. It didn't make sense why she was asking that, there was still this push/pull going on in my head. I found the items and she counted, I don't think I could have done both. Anyways, I was still stuck "out" of myself. Got into the car and it all felt odd, a little bit of slow motion and being numb. My hands felt like that had big, light gloves on them, like balloons. Drove to Lowes, sat in the car for a while when I got there, trying to recall the drive and I couldn't. So I went inside and everything Blue caught my eye, but I continued to walk around the store until I got to the items I needed. I started coming out of it a little bit and drove home. When I got home(approx. 2 miles) I was so relieved to get there. I had something to eat and went to bed. Felt better, but exhausted mentally when I got up."
My question is how do you prevent something like this from happening when you have no warning it's happening? You don't even know you are "out" until you are well into it.
Are there different intensities to dissociation? This one seemed to have a stronger pull for some reason. 

[Dutch Uncle]

My question is how do you prevent something like this from happening when you have no warning it's happening? You don't even know you are "out" until you are well into it.

I don't have an answer to your question. My immediate reaction/thought was: Is it not already good progress you gain awareness of your dissociation when you are well into it? You spotted your dissociation already before your T did and asked you to look for 5 blue items, am I right?
My logical mind would say you can't prevent this from happening at the moment. How can you prevent something that you don't see coming? But I hear you working on gaining awareness of it happening in the first place, which is a wonderful and courageous first step. I think (but I'm not a T) that with training (as you do with your T) you will gain tools to get out of your dissociation, learn to recognize it sooner, learn to apply your tools then sooner (and thus get less 'deep' dissociated) which may lead to a quicker 'recovery-time'.

Personally I don't have much experience with dissociation, so I can't offer much help. I do wish for you that at some point you'll have gained a routine where you'll spot the early signs of dissociation, and apply the tools your T teaches you to a point where you feel you are actually preventing the dissociation taking place. I do think that's an achievable goal, and I do think you are already on your way to getting there.

I wish you patience, but understand so well you have the feeling you can't wait to get there. That's something I experience as well: "Oh no! Not again! Why can't I prevent this from happening! Arrghhh!  " (that's my Inner Critic speaking, I guess) But in my own recovery, my own process, I often am able to see now: "Yes, it happened again, Dutch Boy, but every time it's a bit less severe. You are making progress.  " (and that would be my "Inner Healer" speaking)

And last but not least:

Okay almost made it out of the session without dissociating.

Dutch Uncle

[Indigochild]

Hi Dutch Uncle and everyone else

I know its frustrating. The other day, i came near the pain, and I disassociated, just completely shut off, numbed out.
My T said that I have to take it slow, that i cant possibly do it all at once.
She said its a panic response. It is totally unintentional, but i guess you can only do so much of feeling painful emotions, and maybe the time it takes to disassociate each time will lessen.

But yes, dont know if that helps you guys, i know its frustrating, just thought id let you know that you are doing all you can do at the moment.

[Dutch Uncle]

But yes, dont know if that helps you guys, i know its frustrating, just thought id let you know that you are doing all you can do at the moment.

Yes, it does help.
Thanks!

[Indigochild]

Im glad Dutch Uncle. 

[Dyess]

Thanks everyone for the responses. On one hand I feel what's the big deal with dissociation?  If I'm at home it's really no big deal other than not getting things done at home that I need to. Fortunately I live alone and have no responsibilities to anyone. Can't imagine how someone with a family would deal with this. My biggest concern is when it happens away from home. Could I cause an accident? Hurt someone else from being in this daze? Maybe I will acquire the tools to head this off earlier in days ahead.  It's just so frustrating to fight it through a session then it still hits you before you leave.

[Dutch Uncle]

My biggest concern is when it happens away from home. Could I cause an accident? Hurt someone else from being in this daze?

Yes, I can imagine you are concerned about that. Is it possible to take public transport to the sessions with your T? And if so, would you be comfortable in public transport on your way back, possibly having a dissociative period?
Or take a cab?

As it is, you haven't caused anybody harm, so I'd say there is no immediate cause for alarm.
You come across as a self-aware woman, so you are definitely the one who can judge best if you continue to feel comfortable driving home after a session with your T.

[Dyess]

Those are good alternatives, but yes it may make things worse getting in a vehicle with so many people you don't know. The dissociative events don't always happen in a session. I try to keep moving and ground myself during these times, it's a real fight within the head to do this. It will all work out some how. I will talk to the T about what happened and see if she has any suggestions.
I am a very self aware person, that's why this aggravates me so much that I can't control the dissociation or manage the CPTSD on my own. Oh well.....

[Kizzie]

I'm no psychologist Trace but FWIW my understanding of dissociation, at least that which is fairly mild or moderate, is that although we may numb/distance part of our emotional selves our executive/manager self keeps working so that we are able to drive, cook, work, etc (although we may be somewhat foggy to greater or lesser degrees about having done these things).  Not ideal granted, but I doubt we are in great danger to ourselves or others (when dissociation is mild to moderate as it seems yours is), and that if some situation arose where our full attention was needed, we would be able to "snap back into ourselves."   

[Kizzie]

I do have a book (sorry, educational again but that is my field  ) I can recommend although I'm not all that far into it myself - so far so good though.  It's called "Coping with Trauma-related Dissociation by Boon, Steele & Vander Hart (2011).  Lots of skill exercises and strategies in this one (400 pages) and it's evidence based.

[Dyess]

Before I left my T told me not to drive if I didn't feel comfortable with it. That one of her clients did leave and was dissociating and was in a minor car accident. Have heard of others being involved in accidents as well, all minor I think. Though I don't remember driving to Lowes I'm sure someone would have blown a horn if I was not driving correctly. It was through a very heavy traffic area. So I think we do operate on an auto pilot when dissociating with things we know. I wonder how that would work out doing something new and technical.....hmmmm.
Probably would make it worse. When the T asked me to find Blue objects, for grounding, I about panicked and bolted out the door for some reason. Kizzie I may check that book out. But really I'm hoping all this stops and not have to deal with it anymore

[Dyess]

When the T asked me to find Blue objects and I think she said it was a grounding exercise. I almost told her "no" Why would I even think that? Was I that comfortable in the dissociation? Also my anxiety was surging. Why? It's always a push/pull fight in the head coming back in to the now, such a fight that I am mentally exhausted afterwards and in fog after that. As time goes on I am more aware of feelings (mentally and physically) during the event. A day later I can tell more about what happened.

[BigGreenSee123]

I imagine, as in most things, there are varying degrees of how severe a dissociative experience can be. That said, I've experienced this many times and have learned that, though I am a bit more distracted and foggy-headed (to say the least), there is a good chunk of my brain still working efficiently to keep me alive. I used to be afraid that I could endangering my self in others by moving around the world in such a state but experience has taught me that it's more like moving around the world with a bad headache - very uncomfortable but not life threatening. I've never blacked out or anything, though, so maybe I've got a sort of functioning style of dissociation - I don't know, I'm no expert.

So far, I feel like the best way I've learned to deal with these experiences is to just try and be present with them as much as possible, as odd as that may sound. Embrace the numbness, disjointed thinking, and odd lapses in time as much as possible, I'd say. Get curious about it if possible. After all, trying to further push away an experience that is one of pushing away all experiences seems like fighting fire with fire. It doesn't make it pleasant (though sometimes a nice bit of trippy dissociating is a welcome distraction from stressors I'm facing), but I think it makes it more manageable. It is tough, though; I'm still working on it myself.

Also, I speaking of the experience of the T - mine once told me that when I go into a dissociation she gets the feeling of being pushed away, like someone is shutting a door on her she once said. We never really discussed it further but I thought it was interesting.

Hope something in here is of use to you

[Indigochild]

Felt disassociated the past few days a lot, and keep forgetting where I'm putting things, ill put something down and ..its like i blacked out when i did it, i have no memory of ever doing putting it there, and it happens every five minutes. 
If someone says something ill forget in a second that they said it and ask the same question again.
I am normally a very organised person but the anxiety and dissociation makes it impossible.  I feel very drunk and incapable for doing stuff and organising myself. 
It really is like being drunk and makes me feel like I'm mentally not well.

Anyone have this?