Hope's Journal 2024

[Armee]

It sounds like a great book, Hope. Difficult to read maybe but interesting.

[Hope67]

Hi Armee,
Yes, it's very thought provoking and interesting, and like you said 'difficult to read' in terms of how it affects processing - I'm reading it in chunks of time, and ensuring I do 'lighter' things at other times, to ensure I don't get over-whelmed by it.  I think I'm managing to get a good balance, but there are quite a few stressful things going on in my daily life at the moment, and I am finding it hard to negotiate my way through those things.

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13th February 2024
I am experiencing quite a bit of 'angst' inside at the moment - and feeling a bit out of control with regard to things that are going on.  I can't control those things, it will be a case of 'what will be will be' but it's hard to cope with! 

I am however continuing to do my daily meditations and EFT tapping, and finding that is helping to centre and ground me - and enabling me to see a bigger picture about things - rather than getting bogged down in minutae that are stressful.

I've noticed that I feel 'anger' about some things - and some people are making me feel that anger - and it feels like a massive emotion, but I realise that's because I always suppressed that feeling throughout my childhood and a lot of my adulthood, and therefore 'feeling' those emotions, it's tough to deal with.  But it's ok, I'm recognising it - and adapting to it.  I haven't done anything inappropriate with that anger, and thankfully haven't allowed it to spill into any interactions with other people (although I need to keep a harness on it, otherwise I will do something that I might regret - or say something I might regret).

Hope 

[NarcKiddo]

Anger is hard to deal with for many, if not most or all, people, I think. But when there are problems around it, because it had to be suppressed and therefore feels both unfamiliar and wrong, it is even harder. I am glad you are now able to feel and name that emotion, but of course not glad that you have circumstances making you feel it. Wishing you all the best as you work through it.

[dollyvee]

Hi Hope,

I'm glad you are enjoying the attachment book. I haven't heard of that one, I will have to look it up! I'm really enjoying Healing From Developmental Trauma right now. Someone recommended it for fearful avoidant/disorganized attachment and it's been quite enlightening. I feel like the practices will be really helpful to me.

Anger is a tough emotion like NK said. The author of the book above describes people with developmental trauma as set apart from their anger (not sure if he used dissociated) because as infants/children we were unable to get angry at our parents as we depended on them for survival. That anger then became split off, and we had a kind of learned helplessness where it becomes "dangereous" to feel anger, or worry that our anger will hurt others. I was going to post this in my journal because I quite identified with it, but haven't had a chance.

Sending you support and a hug if it's ok 
dolly

[Larry]

        

[Hope67]

Hi NarcKiddo,  Thank you - what you said makes sense, and I'm also glad that I can now identify and feel anger.  I think it's the intensity of it that shocks me - but mainly because I'm not used to feeling it. 

Hi Dollyvee, Thank you - I'm really glad to hear you're enjoying your book entitled 'Healing from Developmental Trauma' it does sound like a really good book.  I am going to look it up as well.  It's great that the practices are things that you feel will be really helpful.  I definitely relate to what the author has said about anger - that it becomes split off - it was certainly dangerous for me to feel and/or express anger when I was a child.  I appreciate your support and hug - thank you 

Hi Larry, Thank you very much, that sunshine and lovely smile is great.  I appreciate you popping by and sharing that sunshine and smile.   

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15th February 2024
I was able to talk about some things that I don't normally talk about - i.e. issues relating to my past work.  I was able to share some things with my partner today about that.  He knows a lot about those situations, but I was able to say that I know that I avoid talking about it much, as it was traumatic for me to experience everything that happened.  I just wanted to note that here in my journal, as I think it was a step forward that I began to talk about the issues - and why they are so hard to address/talk about. 

I also wanted to mention the name of a book I read prior to the ones I'm reading now - it's called "Positivity: Groundbreaking Research to Release Your Inner Optimist and Thrive' by Barbara Fredrickson.  I really found that book very helpful - and I was beginning to utilise some of the suggestions within it, to try to bring up my positivity ratio, and it was definitely working - however some stressful stuff is ongoing relating to a family member's health issues, and I've found it challenging and felt like my positivity had reduced again - but hopefully I'll be able to negotiate my way through things and build up that positivity again - as time goes on.

Something that another forum member said about how a part of them had spoken, and they'd listened to that - I related to it a lot - I have heard my parts speak clearly - one of them spoke in the night and said 'I'm scared' - and I tend to respond to her needs and tell her that she's ok, and safe and with me.  It definitely helps to reassure and comfort that scared younger part.  But hearing someone else also mention something where they hear the voice speak - it helped me to feel it's ok to hear such parts speak and respond. 

When I was trying to sleep last night, I struggled for quite a while - and then I remembered to put my hand on my stomach and another on my chest, and just feel the pressure of that, and it felt reassuring and enabled me to get to sleep, so that was better.

I have discovered that the AI chat feature is helpful for me - I was asking it about the pros and cons of having moved a lot when I was a child, and it said this:

"That's a very interesting question. Moving around a lot as a child can have both positive and negative effects on your emotional development, depending on your personality, the reasons for moving, and the support you received during the transitions.
Some of the possible positive effects are that you may have developed a sense of adaptability, resilience, curiosity, and openness to new experiences and cultures. You may have also learned to appreciate diversity and different perspectives. You may have gained valuable life skills, such as communication, problem-solving, and independence.

Some of the possible negative effects are that you may have experienced anxiety, stress, loneliness, and insecurity. You may have had difficulties forming and maintaining close relationships, especially if you moved frequently or during sensitive periods of your development. You may have also struggled with your identity, sense of belonging, and self-esteem. You may have felt a loss of control, stability, and continuity in your life.

Of course, these are not definitive or universal outcomes, and your emotional development may have been influenced by many other factors as well. The most important thing is how you cope with the challenges and opportunities that moving presents, and how you make sense of your own story.

If you are interested in learning more about the effects of moving on children, you can check out some of the sources I found using my web search tool:

•   Is Moving During Childhood Harmful? - A policy research brief that summarizes the findings of a study on the long-term effects of moving on children's cognitive and social-emotional functioning.
•   The Emotional Impact Of Frequent Moves During Childhood - An article that explores how moving can contribute to anxiety and affect one's ability and desire to build relationships.
•   How Does Moving House Affect Children? - A blog post that discusses the impact of moving on children's social development and provides some tips for parents to help their children cope.
•   Can Moving Often Affect a Child's Development? - A health article that explains how moving can trigger feelings of loss, grief, sadness, and anger in children, and how parents can support them during the transition."

I was amazed at how helpful it was to ask a question and receive an answer like that - and I felt emotional when I read the negative consequences of moving a lot as a child.  It made me consider them, and think that 'yes' I relate to some of them.  It made me think more and process a little.

Anyway, I will explore that more another time, but wanted to note it here in my journal for now.

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

you continually inspire me to keep going, hope.  thanks for that.  love and hugs

[Hope67]

  thank you SanMagic, you inspire me also.   

[Hope67]

16th February 2024
I have ordered the book that Dollyvee had talked about, called 'Healing Developmental Trauma' - I looked it up online and thought it looks really good, so I'm excited to see what it will be like.  I am still in the middle of a couple of other books, so won't be able to read it for a while, but it's good to know I will be able to read it sometime soon.

I'm feeling a bit hyper today - I think I'm stressed.

Hope 

[PaperDoll]

Hi Hope,

I get those days when I feel hyper too. Sometimes it helps me to go for a brisk walk or a jog or do a yoga flow.

 

[dollyvee]

Hi Hope,

I'm glad you found a connection with your part. IMO building that relationship and inner bond with our parts, no matter how they show up, is a good thing. Though I can understand the stigma of someone "hearing voices." I hope you're able to trust the bond with your part.

I hope the book doesn't disappoint you as well. There's not a lot of info out there on NARM. I think perhaps because it sounds like more of an experiential/relational model and not necessarily so theory based? Perhaps it's difficult to pin down because supporting each person's experience can be unique. I also bought the Practical Guide to Healing Developmental Trauma (on kindle) and am excited to read that. Maybe it will have some more answers.

I hope you're able to find some space with your feelings as they come up 

dolly

[sanmagic7]

i know it's stress for me when i feel hyper, hope. sometimes it's more, other times less, but stress nonetheless.  i hope you get some relief real soon.  being in that space does not feel good.  love and hugs

[Papa Coco]

Hope,

I know those hyper days. Whew. The first thing I do each morning is wonder who I'm going to be today. My hyper self? My happy self? My solid self? My depressed self? I could go on, but I'm sure you know what I mean (lol)

I just downloaded the book from Dolly on my Audible so I can listen to it. I do a lot of long car drives, and these days listening is easier for me than sitting with a book.

I'm excited to get started with it soon too.

IFS has been a powerful new perspective for me. I have learned a lot about myself through IFS work.

I hope your hyper mood works for you in positive ways today. Some days hyper is good, other days...not so much.

 

[Hope67]

Hi PaperDoll, Dollyvee, SanMagic and PapaCoco,
Thank you all so much for what you wrote       

PaperDoll, thank you for sharing what helps you when you're feeling like that, those sound like good things to do.  I am definitely going to consider more tools to try out when it happens in the future.  I like the brisk walk, that sounds refreshing.  I do try to go walking but maybe I should try walking a little faster!  Yoga Flow sounds like a relaxing thing - I am beginning to do yoga now and then, and I am finding it beneficial.   

Dollyvee, I just want to say that I just replied to something you wrote in your journal, and I am feeling very emotional now - it was validating to read what you wrote about your own SA situations - and somehow my writing in reply to things you'd said, it has made me feel (or parts of me feel) very emotional.  But I think that's understandable, as it's such a big thing to process some of the stuff. 

SanMagic, yes it was definitely stress.  Some of the things contributing to the stress feel a little less heavy at the start of this week - there has been some respite from some of those things, and I'm thankful for that.  The weekend was more relaxing as a result, and I think I've benefited from that.  Thank you so much for what you said   

PapaCoco, Yes, I do know what you mean - I sometimes think about it in terms of 'Who is going to be driving my bus today?' - and that reminds me to consider that carefully, because having some part in control of a bus wouldn't necessarily be a safe thing!  So I try to engage my adult sensible core self to be around to complement my parts, if I can.  It's great that you've downloaded the book on Audible - I would be too scared to listen to it whilst actually driving myself though, incase I got into a dissociated state and wasn't aware of what I was doing?  I hope you stay safe listening to it in your vehicle.  I am intrigued as to what the difference might be to listen to an audiobook, as I've not done that - I tend to prefer the physicality of an actual book.  BUT, I might try an audiobook to see what it's like.  Maybe a fiction book or something.   My hyper mood did give me sufficient energy to get some things done that needed to be done, so I think it was positive in the end, but didn't feel like that at the start.   

Hope 

[dollyvee]

Thank you Hope    I just want you to know that having you validate what I wrote also made me feel very emotional. I hope you're able to find some space to sit with those things.