Hope's Journal 2024

[Hope67]

19th July 2024
I also felt I wanted to add that I have quite a few 'books' i.e. different plain books for writing in, with different covers that I like, and yet, somehow I never allow/permit myself (for whatever reason I'm not sure about) to actually write in them!  Hence when I was considering yesterday doing some journalling of things I might succeed at and do - I had envisioned using the books to do that.  Yet, I haven't.  I haven't used the books, and I haven't done the goals.  Interesting.  Maybe it was because my M (FOO) would instill fear in me for how I handled a book - i.e. 'look, don't touch it' for some books that were clearly ones she treasured.  I don't know.

Just wanted to jot down these thoughts today. 

It's a hot day here - I am trying to dress in light clothes to cope with the heat.

Hope 

[Hope67]

20th July 2024
Just after I wrote my last entry in this journal yesterday, I found that I had an incredibly strong EF where a much younger part of myself ended up blending with my body and I think I walked in a somewhat dissociated state into a room where my partner was sitting - and he looked at me in a very concerned way and asked me what was wrong.  I was unable to speak (brain being offline I think) and I just burst into tears, but the great thing was that he came and hugged me very compassionately and it enabled me to just let that emotion out and then over time, I was able to explain to him what had happened and why I felt upset.  I think this was really good, because that younger part of me felt validated in my emotion and I felt it in my body, and it felt like a healing and supportive thing. 

My dreams last night were very much related to work - I haven't worked for a long time now, but the dream involved being at work, and once again it was very realistic.

I am finding Christy Gibson's book to be good.  I think I could actually try some of the exercises she suggests - they make a lot of sense. 

I found this paragraph to be very pertinent - it is on p. 92 of her book:
"Have you ever tried to look into someone else's eyes?  What about for a long time, like a minute or more?  The kinds of feelings that show up, from kindness and connection to terror and discomfort, can be surprising."

(I have experienced quite intense feelings of terror and fright when looking into my own eyes in a mirror sometimes (mainly at night , but I think it's because I probably look quite a bit like my M (FOO) and the terror and fright is how I might feel if I'd looked into her eyes for any length of time.  I have been doing a practice where I smile and wave at myself in the mirror in the morning and also at night - and that has helped a lot at beginning to feel more nice feelings - it has worked.  But reading what Christy wrote in that paragraph made me think about the significance of it again, and I related to it.

I also particularly liked a section in her book which is Chapter 7 "Preverbal" where she said:
"While trauma manifests in people through similar body responses, there are two separate pathways to get there.

If you experience events where your body (or someone you love) is at risk, that's the shock trauma pathway.  You believe that the world isn't safe.  In this scenario, exposure to fearful experiences while being in a calm body will be part of the healing process.

If you experienced adults who were supposed to be caregivers but not able to be consistent or safe, this is an attachement trauma.  You believe that people aren't safe.  In this scenario, exposures to trusting relationships while being in a calm body will be part of the healing process.

So, you can see that the calm body figures into both of these paths.  We will spend a lot of time on that in the second half of this book.  Complex trauma tends to involve both paths."

(I feel very optimistic about this, and also really like the distinction between the two paths.  I feel that both my pathways are affected.  I am grateful for focusing on attempting to calm my nervous system over these past few years - and focusing more on somatic things rather than cognitive stuff. 

I'm looking forward to the remainder of Christy's book.

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

interesting stuff, hope.  i'm intrigued by the idea of the 2 pathways.  i hope you get a lot of good out of this book. 

once again, so very glad you have such a caring, compassionate partner.  i have no doubt he is on one of those pathways to healing for you, and has been helpful in you getting as far as you've gotten.  that's wonderful.  love and hugs

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
Thank you so much   
Hope 

[Hope67]

23rd July 2024
Somehow I feel more 'adult' in my body today - I feel like I've been processing more things in a calm body.  I have got through a challenging social experience yesterday - I did dissociate in that experience thanks to being triggered by certain things (the strong resemblance of a friend of mind with a FOO family member), and I was shocked by how that interaction felt - but I'm thankful that I was able to continue to appear as if I was present (even though within myself I was clearly not present).

Today I acknowledge that some feelings of guilt came up - regarding how I am unable to be there for that family member (due to sheer fear and all the past stuff and current estrangement). 

I hate how clunky I feel my language gets when I'm trying to write about this stuff.  I feel it as I write.

Anyway, I have quite a few practical things I need to do today.  I am relieved that I feel like an adult today.  I think that today will be a good day.  I feel more positive about things and also about the future somehow. 

(note to self - remember to write about how I'm coping with nighttime stuff) - not now, when I feel more time available - but don't forget  to write about it).

Hope 

[dollyvee]

Hi Hope,

It sounds like you're coming to some realizations about how your family shows up in your life. I'm glad you had a chance to write in the books. I have fears of "making mistakes" and that certain things are only used for "certain occaisions," which I think comes from being in trouble with FOO. It was all about appearances at times.

I'm glad your partner was able to be there for you when you needed it. That sounds like a big step.

dolly 

[rainydiary]

Hope, I resonate with feeling adult in my body right now too.  I appreciate you phrasing that as it helps me describe how I feel.

[Hope67]

Hi Dolly,
Yes, I related to what you said about realizing how FOO show up in my life.  I didn't manage to write in the books by the way - I still haven't done so, but I do intend to do so - hopefully sometime soon.  Thankfully I have been able to write quite a few of my rough notes on the bag of my dot-to-dot book pages, thereby being very sparing of paper, and making good use of it.  I had previously shredded lots of previous notes - thankfully I don't regret it.  I tend to transfer things I want to 'keep' into this online journal - because I value being able to keep it somewhere that I consider safe, to re-read at later points in time.  It's helpful for me.  Yes, I am grateful for my partner's ability to be there for me and that he indeed was when I needed him, and that I effectively sort his support at that time.  Thanks Dolly for the hug also 

Hi Rainydiary,
Yes, the feeling adult thing in the body - I'm glad you also feel that way presently.  It certainly comes and goes for me - sometimes moment to moment, but yesterday I definitely felt it for a longer period of time. 

******
26th July 2024
My dream last night was one that focused on a kind of event where there were work related things, but my part in it was that I was not actively working anymore, but attending it for some other reason - my FOO (both M and D) were there - and somehow I was experiencing some feelings of grief around the fact that I was intending to leave them, i.e. not see them again after that event was over.  I remember feeling these feelings of grief about leaving them when I tortoise strode across the room and literally ended up on my lap, and yet it seemed suspended in the air (maybe like it was leaping or flying) and someone said 'Watch out!' and I noticed that the tortoise literally pooped on me, but thankfully it missed my body and landed on a rug that I was sitting on.  I then later remember that someone else had wrapped the rug around them, without realising it was dirty from the poop, and I was wondering whether to tell them - bearing in mind that making a noise at that moment would have caused attention being drawn to me, and I didn't want to bring attention to myself - as I was considering how to get out of the situation and leave without being seen.

I think of this dream as significant in that it looks at 'endings' of relationships - both with my work, and with my FOO.  I have always been highly triggered by endings - as I never had my feelings about such transitions allowed and therefore could never properly process them.  Hence, to be now beginning to experience some feelings in my dreams about endings - I think that's progress.  Also, I allow myself to 'feel' whatever it is - and notice where in my body I feel it.  I keep doing this with many things now, both in daytime and at night, and I think it has helped me quite a lot.

I don't think I've had any night-terrors for a longish time now.  The feeling of dread and terror isn't there as often either - so I think I am improving in my night symptoms quite a lot. 

Hope 

[Hope67]

30th July 2024
I have been reading a lot this past few days - I finished "The Modern Trauma Toolkit' by Christy Gibson - I enjoyed reading it.  I was pleased that it included quite a lot of things that I've read about previously - and what I liked (especially at the beginning of the book) was how kind and trauma informed her style of writing was.  I found the middle bit less interesting - somehow part of myself seemed to lose interest at that point.  But I continued to read and finished it.  I was glad I read it, but I don't think I learned anything new from it.  Something I thought I might try at some point was called 'Tremoring' and is something that Dr David Berceli created, which he terms 'Trauma (or Tension) Releasing Exercises' (TRE).  But I am a bit apprehensive to try it.  In that book, p.208, there are instructions on how to do the tension-releasing exercise.  I hope to try it before I need to take the book back to the library.  If I try it, I hope to write about how it went.  Note to self here to remind me or my intention.

I then read a book which is a Memoir by Ingrid Clayton called 'Believing Me: Healing from Narcissistic Abuse and Complex Trauma' (2022).  Wow, that book was something I related to a LOT.  I found it really powerful in that parts of me really listened and felt engaged with each and every page.  I found it really helpful in validating some of my FOO experiences.  I would definitely recommend reading that book to anyone who has experienced narcissitic abuse and complex trauma. 

Regarding nighttime - the night before last, I knew I'd had another very realistic dream - where I was at another event where my FOO (parents) were there, and I was being helped by a friend of mine to escape - and it involved some very physical escaping where I was literally crawling along a dirty ravine to escape.  But the theme of having someone from real life who was actively helping and supporting me to escape - that was what meant a lot to me.  It does reflect some truth of what did happen too, as that friend was very helpful to me in giving me support.  I just wish I could have had support as a child, rather than having to negotiate things very much alone.

I hadn't mentioned that dream to my partner, but he happened to say in the morning 'You were funny last night' - I asked him 'Why? What happened' and he told me that I had said 'It's ok for you, you don't have him in your face'.  He said that before that, I had sounded a bit frightened, and he had reassured me, and that was the point that I'd said what I said - I thought about this, and I think it's showing a more empowered side of myself that I was able to say something like that.  Like I was standing up to the situation of the man who was in my face.  I think that represents my F.  I told my partner that is who I think it referred to.  But I don't know for certain.  It could be someone else, but I think that was who I was referring to.

I also told him about the dream, and the fact that I think it has some good themes in it - i.e. being enabled to escape from my FOO with supportive people in the dream helping me. 

I am trying to read a fiction book now - but I still have a couple of books I got from the library - and think I might tackle them in the coming days.

They are:

"Parenting Traumatized Children with Developmental Differences: Strategies to Help Your Child's Sensory Processing, Language Development, Executive Function and Challenging Behaviours' by Dr Sara McLean

and the other book is:

"Being 14: Helping Fierce Teens Become Awesome Women: A Comprehensive Guide for Parents in Understanding What Daughter's Need" by Madonna King.

A teenage part of myself is particularly keen for me to read the second book - so I will most likely start with that one.  I am keen to try to re-parent different parts of myself, and find that reading books like these tend to help me attempt to do that.

Hope 

[Blueberry]

I don't know that particular book that you mention at the end Hope, but reading books meant to guide parents on raising healthy teens or in fact younger girls 10-12 yo etc really helped me. Because it's as if I had a complete blank slate - like no idea at all how to reparent!

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on the reparenting - and reading books to help with that.  I must admit that I nearly gave up on continuing to read the book today - because it did trigger me into what I realise was outside of my Window of Tolerance, but I feel grounded again now, and I think I might continue with the book on another day - but I'll pace myself! 
Hope 

[Hope67]

1st August 2024
I had some difficulty getting off to sleep last night, mainly because my inner teenager was active and I felt like she needed me to hear her and respond to her needs (after reading the book 'Being 14' had been a bit triggering for parts of me) - anyway, eventually I remembered to try to calm my body (after responding to her concerns and calming her) and eventually felt my body calmed sufficiently for me to get a good night's sleep for the remainder of the night.

I think I need to prepare better for reading the book, and do some EF tapping before and after maybe - and make sure I'm around to talk to my inner teen about stuff that is in the book - as I read the book.  That's my plan.  I think I'm going to do other things today - rather than reading though - I have plenty of tasks I need to do in the house and in the garden too - so I need to focus on those.

I want to put a link to a resource that was in Christy Gibson's book - it has some videos about Havening, Tapping, Tremoring, and Qigong plus some Audio recordings too - I've not watched any yet, but I didn't want to lose the link, hence putting it here in my journal - so I can find it easily - and maybe other people might find it helpful too.

Here is the link:

https://www.moderntrauma.com/book-practices/info

It is related to Christy Gibson's book 'The Modern Trauma Toolkit' (which I think was written really well and in a trauma informed way clear to understand.  I am thinking that her videos will probably be good - but I must admit I've not looked at any of them yet.  I will do so though - hopefully later in the week - especially the one about Tremoring, as I would like to try that (providing the video doesn't put me off trying it!)  I doubt it would put me off, but I can't be sure till I watch it.

My inner critic parts have been really having a go at me this past couple of days - in terms of telling me a few negative things, but I am telling them that really it might be because they care about me that they want to put me off doing some things, and that essentially I am safe in this time and space, and therefore they don't need to criticise what I'm attempting to do.

Hope 

[Hope67]

I just had a quick listen to the beginning of the first video (about Havening) that Christy Gibson had done in that resource section online, and I really liked how calming she sounds and that she's going into detail about the resource, so I've added it as a section in the Resources section on this forum too - just incase others would find it helpful.

I am particularly interested in trying Tremoring, but I'm also a bit apprehensive - has anyone tried Tremoring, and what were your experiences of doing it, if you are happy to share them

Anyway, I am also pleased that she has a video about Qigong too - as I read a book and tried some exercises in the past, and so I'm hopeful to see what her video about Qigong is like.

(For some reason I am feeling exceptionally positive today - I'm wondering if it's a part that is driving my bus along an excited path of joy and optimism).

Note to self: I think that a 'positive' and 'hopeful' part tends to write things sometimes, and misses out the other aspects that also are part of my experiences - i.e the sense of guilt, shame and feelings of doom that also reside within me, and maybe I need to achieve a better balance - I feel too compartmentalised in so many ways.

However, it's 1st August, and I do think that this month could be a good one, and I need to really embrace any positive things within it - including the sunshine 

Hope 

[Chart]

Thanks for this link Hope! I just watched five minutes and it looks very interesting. Haven't gotten to Tremoring. Is that the shaking of the body? Like animals do after surviving an aggressor? It's all so fascinating, I simply need more time!
So glad you're having a burst of positivism!
Thanks again, hugs!

[Hope67]

Hi Chart,
I can't remember what Christy Gibson said about Tremoring - but I hope to watch her video sometime soon, and when I do, I will hope to maybe try the exercise and then maybe I can have something more knowledgeable to say about it.  I am intrigued about it - and whether it might be helpful to me, but I must admit that part of me also feels some apprehension about it, so I will need to look carefully and consider if I want to try it or not. 

***********
2nd August 2024
I've decided that I'll take the weekend off from doing any self-help reading and shall see how the weekend feels without doing that.  I had been getting quite over-focused on reading as much as I could, and I think I overdid it.  I'm going to pace myself better on the weekend.  Chill out a bit.  That's the plan.
Hope