Hope's Journal 2024

[AphoticAtramentous]

I hope I'll get a good balance of those things.

I'm sure you will! Nice to hear that you're finding help in your reading, and it's pleasant to hear you interacting with your parts like that. Your inner communication is inspiring.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[Hope67]

Hi Phoebes, Armee, Rainydiary, Dollyvee & Aphotic,

I really appreciate what you each said - thank you so much         

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2nd September 2024
I've not been able to come in here for quite a few days - there have been mixed reasons for that, but essentially I'm trying to keep things together for the next couple of days in particular, to get through some stressful stuff - but I'm thinking that I will be ok and will get through it - it's like being in a tunnel that has felt scary and long, and not being able to see the light for a while, but then hearing the kind voices of supportive people and finding the light, and knowing that the air will be sweet and bright and airy at the other end of that tunnel.

I have something stressful to get through tomorrow and possibly the day after too (depending on how tomorrow goes) but finger's crossed, it will be ok!!!  I'm glad to have been able to write this today to acknowledge it.  I don't want to write about the details - as I fear it will be recognisable to the people involved potentially - although unlikely they'd necessarily find their way here!  But my hypervigilant self/part is keen for me to not write details so I'm honouring that.

I am so relieved to be able to come here to read things though, which I have done in past days - and it's been good to do so.  I hope later in the week or on the weekend, that I'll be feeling more chilled out and through this stressful time.  I think things will look so much better then.

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

good luck w/ the stress coming up, hope.  i think it's wonderful that you can honor your fears.  you do, after all, know what's best for you. love and hugs

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
Thank you so much - I really appreciated you saying that.  Love and hugs to you too 

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5th September 2024
I am feeling quite positive and optimistic today.  I have coped with the things that were stressful in the past few days/weeks.  I am grateful that I coped.

Just shared a resource that I found helpful, so wanted to also include a link to it here, so I can find it myself (should I look at the resources again):
https://thesurvivorstrust.org/members-operating-nationally/
It's a link to The Survivor's Trust - and gives some helpful links to different support groups.  I hope to have a further look in the coming days.  I came across that link when reading a somewhat disturbing newspaper article about a case that is going to court in France at the moment.  I was glad to have access to the resources and know that there are support groups available.

Hope 

[Hope67]

7th September 2024
I wanted to write about this subject for a while, but was triggered about it this morning, as I was on an app called Duolingo, and doing some French language lessons on that app.  I am in the section that is called 'Use past participles' but I can see that the next section is called 'Describe your childhood' - this reminds me of the awkwardness of being in a language class (I remember back to when I was doing my O'level French - and needed to do an oral exam where I had to talk about my family) - I remember the anger I felt at the time about what sanitised version of my family I could give in that exam.  I've experienced it again when I attended a language class as an adult, it was similarly awkward when talking about family things. 

I had decided that the Duolingo app was a safe way to experience advancing my language skills, but knowing that the 'describe your family' session is coming up (when I get through the past participle section) - it is triggering and annoying me! 

I just wanted to get that out here - as writing about it (it's helpful!).

I wanted to put this in a more public part of this forum, but couldn't decide what section it fitted in, so I decided just to write it here - but I think language classes are challenging for people who have traumas relating to their families. 

BUT, if I was brave enough to attend another language class in the future, I think I might try to be more honest about my family experiences and so maybe it's something to consider for the future.  (Although writing that, I think that I might avoid it and not put myself through it.  I don't know).

I have been doing more reading and I hope to summarise some of the things I've read, as I have found them to be really positive.  I am so far enjoying this weekend, despite the thoughts about the triggering aspects of the language app. 

I have some nice plans for today with my partner, and I'm looking forward to them.  A nice brunch to look forward to. 

Hope 

[Chart]

My experience with learning French was very much impacted by my trauma. I know this isn't exactly what you're referring to, but maybe it's similar. Language is "opening" and sharing and reaching out. But so much of trauma is a big block to those sorts of things. So try not to stress too much for the upcoming session in Duolingo. You could treat it like a math problem and just answer the questions. Or better yet, make up an imaginary family having nothing to do with your own! A family of otters or dolphins
Anyway it's great that you're working on your French!

[dollyvee]

Hi Hope,

I hope you're able to find a way to express what you want to say about your family in French. I think it's a struggle that a lot of us deal with: the need to "sanitize" our families and then we're never really seen. It's like having to cover up for them and take responsibility again when it's not ours to take. I was open with a colleague about my family the other day and their behaviour after my m passed away, and there was a look of disbelief on their face. When you say your sf wanted to cut you out of the estate because it was you, you can't help but to think you're sowing a little doubt in their minds about you. So, sometimes I also feel it's good not to share. I hope you're able to find someone to witness what you want to say about your family.

Disfrutes tu fin de semana con tu esposo (from my duolingo),
dolly

[Hope67]

Hi Chart & Dolly,
Thank you both for your responses - I appreciate what you said.  (Dolly - I am also learning Spanish, so was glad I could understand what you wrote), and I am enjoying the weekend so far with my partner. It is a good weekend so far.  Chart - I think a family of otters or dolphins sounds lovely!  What a good idea. 

Dolly, I am sorry that your colleague responded in that way to your being more open. 

Hope 

[Hope67]

7th September 2024
I don't know why, but part of me feels a bit embarrassed about sharing this - but I want to share that I have been finding a particular u-tube channel very helpful in my relaxation practice.  I have been trying to meditate in various ways for the last couple of years, and I do try to do it daily.  But I've recently discovered ASMR - Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response, and in particular a person who does this on u-tube, and is called WhispersRed ASMR.  She has a very relaxing voice and I feel as if she's a motherly kind of presence.  In particular, she has a session called 'ASMR Energy Healing Session: Reiki, Crystals, Affirmations, Chakra Balancing & Smoke Cleansing' - and that session is the one I've ended up listening to about twice a week, and finding it to be incredibly relaxing!  I really feel like it's doing my body and mind a lot of good. 

Anyway, I thought I'd mention it in my journal, as I think it's such a relaxing and lovely experience. 

Sometimes I have fancied the idea of paying to have a session of something relaxing, but apart from an occasional massage or aromatherapy, I've not really tried other things, and finding a u-tube video that I can just listen to with my ear-phones, it's like I'm having a bespoke session that feels very indulgent, and caring and seems to be 'mothering' in a nice way to my younger parts.

Hence, I feel embarrassed, as I guess it's something that other parts aren't so happy about - but honestly, it is very relaxing.

I had a headache early this afternoon, and I put the session on, and relaxed listening to it, and afterwards my headache had completely gone.

It took me a while to get to trust the session though, as there was a hypervigilant part that wanted to make sure that she was a trustworthy kind of person, and wasn't going to hurt me.  But she is so kind and seems very nice. 

Hope 

[Hope67]

8th September 2024
The other things I like on the WhispersRed ASML utube site are the sessions where she 1)Does a make-up session where you imagine she's doing your make-up, and 2) a Doctor's visit where she role-plays doing a thorough doctor's session.

I am fascinated by the fact that I like the Doctor's scenario, because I have a massive fear/avoidance of seeing the Doctor/G.P in real life.  I do cope, in that I have seen my new doctor once so far - and it was ok - but my blood pressure went up significantly when I was attending the session - to the extent that I had to do some recordings of it to provide for the doctor to realise it was purely a 'white-coat' kind of scenario.

I found using the make-up session helpful when I was preparing to see my in-law, as it somehow bolstered my confidence that I was 'made-up' and somehow protected from any situations I'd come across during the visit that would be triggering/stressful.  I don't wear much make-up these days (in real life) so that was interesting to think about why that might have been helpful.

I also wanted to comment on my initial resistance to WhispersRed - in that when I first watched her video - I wasn't sure if I saw a malevolence in her eyes (the maternal gaze) - I am sure that was part of me that knows that a 'mother' is potentially dangerous (in relation to my own real life mothering experience of being mothered by a scary mother) - but over time, I was able to genuinely feel that WhispersRed didn't have any malice or ill-intent in her gaze, and therefore she was a 'safe' mothering kind of presence.

******
Wanting to mention some of the things I've read recently - just briefly to remind myself and keep track.

I read a book by Fearne Cotton - I think it was called 'Little Things' but I can't remember if that's the right name or not, but it was a light read that was enjoyable for me, and I found her interviews with people in the book to be interesting and relevant. 

I read 'The 5 Resets: Rewire Your Brain and Body for Less Stress and More Resilience' by Dr Aditi Nerurkar (2024).  This was helpful for me as it was clearly written and she has researched quite a bit.  She also speaks as a person who has experienced significant stress in her daily working life.  She is a Harvard trained doctor with an expertise in stress and burnout. 

Just want to list her 5 resets to remind me:
1) Get Clear on What Matters Most
2) Find Quiet in a Noisy World
3) Sync your Brain and Your Body
4) Come Up for Air
5) Bring Your Best Self Forward

A technique she recommended was called 'Stop - Breathe- Be.  She listed so much helpful information in the book, but that's something I thought was helpful as a short technique.

I then read:

"The Little Book of Bhavana: The Thai Secrets of Everyday Resilience" by Dr Leah Weiss (2019).  Dr Leah Weiss is a Stanford professor and her book is relatively short (136 pages) and a lovely book (in my opinion).  I want to list the 5 steps of Bhavana:

1) Clarity
2) Attention
3) Embodiment
4) Compassion
5) Wisdom

*************
Now, I'm reading another book, which is called "How To Be Sad: Everything I've Learned about Getting Happier, By Being Sad, Better." by Helen Russell (2021).
Helen is an author, journalist and speaker.  It says on her book info: "She's spent the last eight years studying cultural approaches to emotions and regularly speaks about her work around the world"

Her book is a part memoir, as well as sharing her research and interviews etc with people surrounding the topic.  I find it very helpful and enjoyable to read. 

It says this on the book info "How To Be Sad analyses how we express our emotions, from the dizzying highs to the painful lows.  Russell interweaves personal testimony with the latest research on sadness from psychologists, geneticists, neuroscientists and historians as well as the experiences of writers, comics, athletes and change-makers."

I'm currently on p.50, so am happy that there is plenty still to read, as I am really enjoying reading this book.

***********
I think the combination of reading those different things in the past couple of weeks has permeated my brain, and made me think more about tackling each day in a more balanced way - I also feel each day is more precious somehow - probably relating to the Buddhist book and aspects of approaching life and time etc.

I watched a film last night called 'Australia' with Nicole Kidman and Hugh Jackman - my partner and I got this on DVD to watch, and I allowed myself to feel the emotions that came up (and ended up crying a lot in parts of it).  But what I've noticed today, is that I feel really much happier. 

***********
So, I feel positive today - and I am feeling more hopeful of how to approach this coming week ahead - somehow being in September feels like a fresh and new period of time, and I am keen to make the most of this month. 

**********
Just thought of something else - I started in the section in Duolingo about 'describing childhood' and have done about 5 lessons of it - themes seemed to be learning words for primary school and such, and also talking about whether there are monsters under the bed or not - and people saying that there are, and that they're not.  That was interesting, as it reminded me of childhood bedtimes - but thankfully I didn't feel overly triggered, as I think I am now much more grounded about how I feel about that whole side of things.

**********
Wow, written more than I anticipated today!  But glad I have. 

Hope 

[dollyvee]

Hi Hope,

I appreciate your reflections around ASMR. I realize that relaxing, especially around other people can be quite a difficult thing for me and probably especially around other people. Like you, I suspect that when someone is helping me to relax, I need to make sure whether I am safe or not, especially if they might remind me of my mother. Funnily enough, NARM t sort of looks like my m and I've caught myself being aware of that a couple times, but haven't looked at how it affected me.

His reaction was ok, just reminded me that my experiences with my family are likely outside of the scope of most people. So, it's always the struggle of to share or not share, or share and be aware that no one is going to understand validate, or I may alienate them a bit, and do I want to expose myself like that.

Sending you support and a hug if that's ok,
dolly 

[NarcKiddo]

I'm glad you found that WhispersRed site and am glad it is helping you. Thank you for sharing. And well done for starting to get through the DuoLingo family section. Like you, I would be conflicted about sharing information of any kind rather than simply making up a family for the purpose of the lessons.

[sanmagic7]

thanks for sharing that youtube channel, hope.  i wrote it down and plan to take a look at it.  i used to do an 8-min. relaxation segment on the internet which was helpful, but for some reason stopped.  i do want to look at this, tho, so i'm glad you shared it.  i hope you're feeling less uncomfy about it.

as always, the many, many books you read/have read astonishes me.  and now you're doing languages as well.  that's amazing, you're amazing!  keep up the good work - the idea that you are more able to deal w/ family/childhood stuff now is a testament to how much you have healed yourself.  i'm so proud of you (if it's ok to say that).  love and hugs 

[Chart]

 

[Hope67]

Hi Dolly, NarcKiddo, SanMagic & Chart,
Thank you so much for what you each said       

SanMagic - if you do try the sessions - I would recommend having earphones to enable an emmersive kind of auditory experience, as it's definitely been better for me when I've used earphones. 

**********
12th September 2024
I have been attempting to walk in an 'embodied' kind of way - i.e. focusing on being in my body whilst walking and feeling that - rather than my previous tendency to be more cerebral and in my head.  I think it's helping me to feel more in my body.

I think I've been coming into contact with some more feelings of 'grief' - regarding the feelings about my childhood and earlier life, and regrets about how it was.  But at the same time, I also acknowledge that it's in the past, and I can try to make the very best of the present and the future, and I hope to do so.

I was thinking about 'shame' and whether it might be beneficial for me to try to write a letter about shame.  I might consider that more - and I might share it, depending on what it is like.  Or of course, I might not action that thought - but at least writing it here, shows me I had an intention.

I was a bit concerned today, when taking another book from the library, that I couldn't actually remember if I'd already read it or not - it looked familiar somehow - it is disconcerting not to remember for certain.

I did find that I'd read a book called 'Joy' in the past twice - without realising I'd read it previously - and I think I did it with another book as well - so I wonder if I just can't recall.  As far as I know, I am not having memory issues.  But it is still a bit disconcerting!

I treated myself today to a cake - felt very decadent to do that.  It was delicious.

Hope