Hope's Journal 2024

[Armee]

I'm sorry for the loss of contact with your sister. That must cause a lot of pain even when it is for the best.

[sanmagic7]

dang, i wrote a whole post and lost it.  hate it when that happens.

anyway, in essence, i had that unsatisfactory piece happen when contacting both my D1 and sister, so i can relate. it's kind of a raw feeling, so i can see the connection between that and triggers knocking you off balance.  i do hope you figure out the in-law piece, too.  it's a lot, hope.  love and hugs

[Hope67]

Hi Lakelyn - thanks for what you wrote - I will look up the book 'Leaving a Trace' it sounds interesting.  I also liked that you wrote about 'intuitively' being led to the next step.  It often feels like that - as if there's things that draw me in a particular direction sometimes.   

Hi Armee - I really felt the emotion when you mentioned it being a painful thing - I am thankful to you for validating that pain, it helped me feel it, and I felt I needed to feel it.  I thought about it for some time over the subsequent days, and feel I've processed some of those feelings in a way that needed doing.   

Hi SanMagic - thank you for sharing your situation regarding D1 and your sister, and relating to the raw feeling.  I am sorry that your post got lost - it's annoying when that happens.  But thanks for writing what you wrote - I appreciated your validation.   

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2nd October 2024
I have been reading the book by Rachel Reiland called 'Get Me Out of Here: My Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder'(2004), and am on p.203 (Chapter 15) so almost over half-way through it.  I am finding it to be an incredible book for enabling me to vicariously process some emotions of my own, and I especially appreciate the detail she shares about her relationship and therapy sessions with her psychiatrist (Dr Padgett).  The way that Rachel has written the book makes everything easily understandable to me, and I can feel my different parts each finding different aspects within it to relate to.  It is like it speaks to me at a relateable and powerful level.  I really feel so glad to have found this book.

The therapy is Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy, and on p.34 of her book she writes: "The origins of neurosis and emotional pain developed in early childhood.  The therapist would work with the patient to reveal painful, buried emotions.  The patient's natural desire was to keep them buried through defense mechanisms, but the fears would become manageable in the light of adult, rational understanding, along with free association and uncensored thoughts."

"The therapist would align himself with the patient to cut through her defenses and allow the frozen feelings to surface. As a 'blank screen', he would reveal little of his personal life or his feelings to facilitate transference, the phenomenon where patients direct emotions intended for someone else in their lives, most likely from childhood, onto the therapist.  This transference often reveals more of a patient's buried feelings and subconscious motivations."

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I really appreciated Rachel writing the detail in this way, as it helped to see what process she was going through in her own therapy - and the book is amazing (in my opinion). 

Anyway, something I gleaned from it helped in my relationship with my in-laws - in that I recognise that I sometimes project my feelings onto my MIL, when essentially she isn't deserving of those projections, and this knowledge, which I thankfully thought about more when I saw her on the weekend, helped me not to act out any inappropriate things.  Hence our relationship seemed to be repaired in contrast to what had occurred the previous weekend.  I am relieved.

(I need to write some stuff about 'shame' as I have been thinking more about that emotion - but not sure how to approach it) - maybe I'll just free-associate when writing and that might help me express some things that might be helpful.  I'll think about it further, and make a decision on how best to try to express/process it.).

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I was so pleased yesterday that I mended my partner's trousers (sewing) using the sewing machine, because I had previously struggled a lot in doing any sewing - (I did attend a course to help to learn how to sew again in the past year - so I had worked hard to overcome my struggle in doing it) but the satisfaction of being able to help him out by mending his trousers - it was such a nice feeling.  It felt really good. 

Hope

I'm going to try to just sign off without putting a smiley face after my name - mainly because I had read an article where they contrasted different generations use of emoticons, and apparently it was noted that putting a smiley after a name might not necessarily be viewed in a positive way.  That, and the combination of how I feel when I might have said a comment or post that is sad or some other emotion, and then signing with a smiley face - also makes me think it isn't congruent.  Anyway, I am going to see what it's like to not put the smiley face after my name, and see how that is.

Hope

[sanmagic7]

i'm glad you were able to find some satisfaction from sewing/mending, hope.  personally, i love to sew, haven't been able to for too many years.  it's the 'doing something with your hands' kind of accomplishment feeling, and it feels good.

psychoanalytic therapy is often a long, long road.  my D1 had it suggested for her, and she did it for a while, but we couldn't afford it long term.  i think it's amazing, tho, that the author was able to tackle borderline PD by utilizing it.  i'm sure it's a fascinating read.

i'm curious to know how it felt not to put the smiley face after your name.  interesting stuff. 

i'm also glad you recognized something that you could change re: your MIL, which made the interaction less upsetting for you.  well done!    love and hugs

[rainydiary]

Hope, I appreciated reading what you wrote as it is so helpful to find ways to explain our experience and I love coming across people that help us do so.

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic - Yes, I think it is something to do with the 'doing something with your hands' kind of accomplishment feeling - definitely!  It does feel good.   Regarding psychoanalytic therapy, the author of the book (Rachel) also mentioned the vast cost of that therapy - and I am definitely NOT considering going for any therapy myself.  I really feel I need to pace myself and go down the route of self-help - because I think that I have parts that are just too resistant to seeing any one therapist - except maybe for the one I did see in the past (a few years ago now).  I like the thought that I 'could' access it - if I needed to - but right now, I feel I'm ok.  (Definitely have a resistant part to considering therapy).

So far, I think I'm feeling ok about not putting the smiley after my name.  It's surprisingly ok!  Feels better infact - as I think it feels as if I'm being more 'authentic' - rather than having a smiley following me.    SanMagic thanks so much for the love and hugs 

Hi Rainydiary - Thank you for writing that.   

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3rd October 2024
Struggling to think about what I wanted to express just now.  I might pop back later.
Hope

[Armee]

I think it's smart to try experimenting with not putting the smiley face and finding ways to be more congruent with what you are saying and feeling. 

[Chart]

Thank you Hope for relating all your experiences and insight. I find it immensely helpful and inspiring.
 

[Hope67]

Thank you Armee and Chart   

[dollyvee]

Hi Hope,

I'm glad you found the book and the writing about her experiences helpful. I feel like beginning to recognize projections is a big step. I also find I do this a lot and helps me to get out of my head a bit when I begin to see it happening, and try to process what might be driving it underneath.

Congrats on sewing the pants  and hope you're to express some of the thoughts around shame that you want to say.

Sending you support,
dolly

[Hope67]

Thanks so much Dollyvee