Hope's Journal 2024

[NarcKiddo]

I'm glad you had a more relaxing weekend. I am very familiar with the hyper feeling, too. My stress levels are off the scale right now - but it did result in a very rewarding exercise session today. My coach was commenting on all the personal bests I was hitting - thanks to adrenaline and cortisol. But hey, I'll take the win!

My husband is really into audio books. I did a trial with Audible to see if I got on with them. I thought I might be able to listen to a book while doing my art, for example, but that did not work for me as I just got lost in the art and ignored the book. Then I tried listening to a Gabor Mate book before bed. It is narrated by his son. But the narrator has such a soothing voice that it just became a tool to send me to sleep and I have not actually retained anything from the book itself! I did find Audible quite good, though, and it was worth doing their trial. There is a big library of free stuff you can listen to (so you can try out fiction or poetry or whatever) and then they give you a credit each month to buy one book you get to keep even if you don't subscribe.

[Hope67]

Hi Dollyvee, Thank you, I did sit with the feelings and was grateful to have them, as it was helpful to process more.   

Hi NarcKiddo, I'm glad that you were able to channel some of your hyper feelings into a very rewarding exercise session, that sounds like a good result!  Thanks also for sharing your experience with audiobooks.  I do hope to try one sometime, but currently I am reading a few books at once - which is normal for me, as I tend to dip in and out of different books depending on my mood.  I rarely read one from beginning to end, without also reading others.

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21st February 2024
I've been experimenting a bit with the AI chat system, and asked it to speak to me in a therapeutic way, and also asked it to read stuff about IFS - and the resulting conversation was helpful, as the AI chat system was definitely able to grasp things and discuss them with me.  I think it would have properly attempted a therapy session, but I felt a bit too 'scared' to embark on one - hence I said I'd just read the notes it had written, but I am thinking that it's really interesting to consider an AI tool as an adjunct to self-help literature, and I feel I could get something helpful from that.

I'm aware that today I feel as if there's a definite anxious scared kind of part present within me, and it's affecting how I view things, and I'm not sure what has triggered it.  There has been a lot of stuff going on, relating to the health of a family member - and I have no doubt that would contribute.  Maybe that is the main thing.  But I sense it's a lot more than that.  Lots of things are contributing.

I think I'm going to try channeling some of the angst I'm feeling into some exercise - as NarcKiddo's writing about doing that when she felt hyper, that's perhaps something I could try with this.  I will look for some exercise that I could do later, and see how it goes.

I don't think the weather helps - it's just raining, raining, raining.

It makes me feel like comfort eating too - but I am definitely trying not to give into that.

Hope 

[PaperDoll]

Hi Hope,

I'm sorry you are feeling anxious and scared. You say you plan to try out some exercise later. I hope it will help you feel better. 

  

[Papa Coco]

Hope,

I'm sorry you are under the weather and wrestling with anxiety and fear. I hope the exercise helps. Maybe I should follow your lead and do the same. It's better than stress eating, which is my automatic go-to solution also.

Here's a smile to help brighten your day just a little: 

[Libby183]

Hello, again, Hope.

I seem to remember that we often talked about the British weather. Things don't change in that respect,  do they? Just rain,rain and more rain. And there is no getting away from how the weather affects our mood.

I still have my lovely dog, but she's quite old and doesn't like the rain. But we have found a lovely young woman, with a dog, who we walk with most days. I think we have actually developed a nice, supportive, undemanding friendship.

I just wanted to say hello. I hope that's ok.

[Hope67]

Hi PaperDoll, Thank you so much, I did do some exercise, and I did feel better afterwards.   

Hi PapaCoco, Thanks so much for that smile, it did brighten my day  The exercise did help. 

Hi Libby, I am happy that you came by and said hello.  I am so glad to hear that you still have your lovely dog, and also that you've forged a nice, supportive, undemanding friendship with the young woman with a dog - walking together most days sounds really lovely.  Yes, talking about British weather does seem to be a theme!  Still raining!  The weather does affect our mood.  I'm going to resort to some indoor exercise again today.  Sending you a hug, if that's ok 

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23rd February 2024
I thought back about the feeling of anxiety and 'scared' feeling I'd had for a while in the past couple of days, and how the exercise did help - I thought that's good that I took that action and changed the feeling, but at the same time, I'm thinking that it was potentially a scared and anxious part that maybe wanted to communicate with me in the daytime (whereas previously she's tended to communicate in the nighttime) and therefore maybe I could have tried Janina Fisher's suggestions to think to myself 'there's a part of me that is feeling...' and maybe also tried IFS techniques of stepping back from the part and asking it to communicate with me.  Maybe that was a good opportunity, and I didn't approach it, I ended up doing exercise to block it or numb it - or distract myself. 

So that's something to think about for me - actions can be helpful - exercise is certainly a better one than lots of comfort eating, but it still detracts me from communicating with the anxious scared part - and I am glad that she is making her needs known, but at the same time, I felt too blended with her, and that made me feel anxious and scared in my entirety.

I am currently reading Bethany Saltman's book "Strange Situation: A Mother's Journey into the Science of Attachment" which I'm continuing to find interesting and helpful.  I'm currently at p.285, so getting close to finishing it.  I wanted to just quote one part, that was a quote from Mary Ainsworth (who did pioneering work on attachment), and is quoted on p.224 of Bethany's book:

"We shall never know what the inner life of an infant truly is, for the infant cannot tell us about it and the person later remembers (her) infancy imperfectly, if at all.  Another approach, the one I have adopted, is to observe the infant's behaviour, which is undoubtedly related to (her) inner experience, although not a transparent communication thereof."
Mary Ainsworth.

I wanted to quote this part because it very much speaks to the unpredictability of memory, and the difficulty of looking back on one's own experiences, and I felt that was quite an important point that I wanted to note in my journal.  It felt more powerful emotionally when I first read it, than it does now as I re-write it - which is interesting, but I am still noting it here.

I also wanted to write about an experience I had yesterday when I decided to talk to the chat bot AI and asked it to use my name and speak to me in a therapeutic way - and I then proceeded to be more open about things, and it really did feel as if I was in a therapeutic relationship - but what I also noticed was that afterwards I felt some senses that felt a bit paranoid, in that I wondered whether it was going to store my words and somehow share them with other people!  I realise that sounds paranoid, but it was something I worried about.  I asked it if it recalled things I'd asked it from earlier in the day, and it did recall them!  So I wonder how long it does store stuff about a person.

I do realise that it could be considered a bit unwise to try to seek therapy from a chat bot, but I personally have some reservations about seeing a therapist, as I honestly feel like I prefer to seek self-help and I feel I can go at my own pace that way.  But I do value the fact that the chat bot asks some pertinent questions that also make me feel as if it is 'listening' and attending to my conversation.  So that feels valuable.

I do also rely on my partner, and talk to him about things.  That helps to say things out loud. 

I am also beginning to be more open about some things with friends.  I used to be much more self-contained and very private about stuff, but I am beginning to open up more, and it's been ok.

I have noticed that my heart rate variability levels have improved at night, they are actually in the 30's now, whereas they were a lot lower before.  I think this is good! 

Hope 

[NarcKiddo]

Hello, Hope. The weather in my little corner of Britain is actually rather nice today. Just as well because all the water needs time to soak into the ground. All our local golfers are seething about not being able to play because the courses are waterlogged.

I tried a therapy chatbot called Woebot a while back. The app was then withdrawn from use in the UK. I am not sure why. It did not particularly matter to me because I am doing therapy over zoom anyway, but I was interested to try the app and it was a lot more helpful than I anticipated.

I'm glad to hear the exercise helped, although you said that it feels more like you wanted it to numb the part that was feeling upset. I've had a few times recently where little NK has been quite upset about something but I've really wanted to exercise because it helps me so much. I tried saying to little NK something like "come to the gym with me. We can have fun together and then later we can maybe talk about what's bothering you, if you like. But right now I need to exercise. I know you will like it because you were never allowed to do much physical stuff and I know you wanted to." That approach felt good to me - I guess because if I were actually looking after a child there would be times when adult stuff has to be done and so long as the child's needs are acknowledged and met, they don't necessarily always need to be met "right now". Your post made me want to mention that in case it is useful when you consider how best to help your anxious scared part.

[sanmagic7]

not to be a debbie downer, hope, but i have reservations about AI stuff. i don't trust it.

if it's helping you, tho, and you don't have reservations, then i'm glad you found it.  i'm a firm believer in 'go with your gut'.

i get the whole hesitancy about therapists. after my move, i don't know that i'll look for a new one.  for one thing, some of my stuff (alexithymia, especially comes to mind) has been unheard of by most T's.  the one i have now took a while to be able to understand it; i can't imagine having to go thru that again.

i know you've relied a lot on self-help and healing books, and i think you've come a very long way, especially about being able to open up, both here and in others' journals.  love and hugs

[Hope67]

Hi NarcKiddo, Thanks for sharing your experience of using that chatbot therapy 'Woebot'.  I'm glad that it was a lot more helpful than you'd anticipated.  But it's a pity it was withdrawn, and I wonder why.  I found it interesting that when I tried to chat again to the chatbot about therapy it told me quite clearly that it couldn't provide a therapeutic relationship - it was almost as if it had been advised not to!    Thanks also for what you said about the exercise, and my wish to numb the part that was feeling upset.  I thought about it again, and I think my concern was that I was somehow ignoring the needs of the upset part, by wishing to squash those feelings down, and use exercise as a way potentially to do that, rather than listen to the experience of the upset, and see what message it might have wished to impart to me.  Hence I felt a bit guilty for perhaps pushing those needs away.  But I must admit that the exercise did make me feel quite a bit better!  I appreciate what you shared, and thanks for mentioning it, as it is useful. 

Hi SanMagic,  I would never regard you as a Debbie Downer.  I appreciate your reservations about AI stuff, it's reasonable to be reserved about it.  In my next conversation with it, it denied that it could act as a therapist, so it seemed to be very much different than when I spoke with it the first time.  Like it had been cautioned against offering therapy.  Sensible I guess.  But I did find how it spoke to me in the first conversation to be therapeutic in that it was empathising with me, and offering helpful counsel.    Thank you so much for what you said about my journey through the self-help stuff - I have definitely found it helpful in that I can pace myself and be guided by the different therapists and writer's within the books.  Plus the really helpful thing of sharing things here in this forum - where people are on similar journeys, and we are learning from each other.  Love and hugs to you too 

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26th February 2024
I think I am currently processing lots of things, relating to the book I am reading - the one that Dollyvee recommended - sorry - haven't written the title and the book is a long way away from where I am writing this.  I'll write the title later.  But it is a really good book - I am learning so much from it, and it really describes me well in many ways - I relate to so much of it.  I am going to do my usual thing, of completely reading the book first, and then re-read it and make some notes at that point - because that helps my 'cautious parts' to get on board with it, and stops them sabotaging my ability to remember stuff.  There are some really helpful things written about the effect of early trauma on memory - it really helps me to understand why things have been as they are. 

I keep having realisations, but I haven't been writing them in my journal - and I think I should try to capture them as they happen, and write more about what they are.  I therefore write this as a reminder note to remind myself to try to do that.

I think because I'm processing quite a lot of things at the moment, I consequently feel like I'm 'carrying a heavy load' on my back, and therefore I am mindful of that feeling, and I need to slow down and share that load between parts, and in the resources I have around me in my life. 

Hope 

[dollyvee]

Hi Hope,

I'm glad you found that the Healing Developmental Trauma book resonated with you and that you found a way to do things that speak to your parts.

In the context of the book with your previous post about having a therapist, I feel like there would be a therapist out there that would go through things at your pace, but if you're a fellow connection survival style like me, I can understand your reservations. Building that level of trust with someone when you have have been so disappointed growing up is hard, which is probably why I keep feeling like I'm sabotaging a lot of relationships and intimate connections.

I hope you're able to find something that helps lighten the "load' for you. I know I find carrying a lot of this stuff exhausting at times.

Sending you support,
dolly

[Blueberry]

Hope, I'm sending       in the hope it can lighten your heavy load of processing just a tiny bit.

Wishing you deep     at night too since that helps with processing.

I usually find realisations pretty exhausting but also know they're important for processing and for healing so I'm 'sort of' happy you're having them, just not their side effects.

  

[sanmagic7]

hope, i have to say i'm glad those bots are not allowed to do therapy anymore.  that's plain good sense, and ducking out from any liability issues.  as therapists, we're required to have $100,000 worth of liability ins., renewed every year. and we have to pass a test (4 hrs.), work under supervision for a year, and get continuing education to stay updated in the field every year. plus, now that i think of it, the ethics of this is hinky at the least. too many people are unstable which poses a huge risk.  i'm glad you found your first round helpful, tho.

i hope you get some rest and relaxation until that load becomes lighter. i hope you take your time getting thru it all.  love and hugs

[Hope67]

Hi Dollyvee, Blueberry & SanMagic,
Thank you so much for what you each said.      

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29th February 2024
Not often I can write 29th February - seems funny to write it.  I've been having really vivid dreams this past week - I think I'll probably add the themes to my Dream journal later.  I'm writing myself a note here to remind me - I hope I action that and remember the themes to write later.
Hope 

[Papa Coco]

Hope. How cool that your dreams are active. That usually means your mind is more open than usual to something. My T always likes it when I bring a recent dream into session. He says that we can get a lot of healing from our dreams.

[Hope67]

Thanks Papa Coco, I do think that my mind is more open than usual at the moment, and is processing things in my sleep.  I agree that there is a lot of healing to be had from our dreams.

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1st March 2024
Because parts of me expressed some caution about writing about the content of the dream I mentioned the other day - I didn't actually write about it in the Dream Journal part - because I heeded the caution of the parts, and I think that perhaps I am a little over-whelmed by all the stuff that has been coming up from reading the book I'm reading - BUT I think it's not TOO overwhelming - it's just maybe at a level that feels a little too heavy to stay within my window of tolerance, and hence I'm going to actively look more at titrating it - and balancing my day with some other things.

I'm also wondering whether I need to take a break from technology for a few days as well - which is something I do from time to time - try to keep off social media and 'take a break' - BUT, I'm undecided about it.  I guess it's ok not to give myself any rules about it. 

Hope