Hope's Journal 2024

[sanmagic7]

yep, hope, it's ok to not give yourself any rules about that kind of thing.  good observation.

balance is always a good thing, to my mind, so i'm glad you're looking to keep your stuff in balance.  little by little, small steps, all those good things, will get the job done.  you're doing great.  love and hugs

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic, Thank you so much!  That feels very validating and really helps me.  Thank you 

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1st March 2024
I just popped back, because I was reading more of the book "Healing Developmental Trauma" by Laurence Heller & Aline LaPierre, and although I wasn't intending to write any notes till I read the whole book, I did want to just note this paragraph from p.196 of the book, as it seems to be a particularly helpful summary for me:

p.196
"A core value in NARM is to support clients as they learn to listen on every level of experience.  The more we learn to listen to our thoughts, feelings, and sensations, the more we experience an internal flow.  When we chronically do not pay attention - do not listen - to our body, it finds ways to get our attention, even if it needs to "scream" at us in the form of symptoms.  When we learn to listen to our internal states, it is easier to regulate ourselves, and we become less symptomatic."

I really like the content of that paragraph, it makes so much sense.  A great summary.  Reminds me of Janina Fisher's work, and how she recommends listening to every thought and feelings as if it is a communication from a part.  Being curious about it - to ensure the wise mind is online, and that blending with the part is less likely to happen. 

I recognise that I had been a bit over-blended with some of my parts in recent days, but I am being mindful of keeping myself balanced and titrating my experience - and I feel grateful to SanMagic for what she said - very validating. 

I am finding the book to be really helpful - it is bringing up some realisations as I read it, and also lots of helpful things that I know I will be able to use, and infact already feel as if it's changing me.  I feel I was ready at this point in my life to find more benefit from reading such a book.

Hope 

[Blueberry]

I feel positive, hopeful and light-and-airy when I read your past two posts on here, Hope     

I would also say    to san's post from today

[Larry]

    

[dollyvee]

Hi Hope,

I'm so glad you have a good reaction to this book   

I hope that you're able to sit with your parts and what is coming up for them about sharing the dream you had. One thing I like that I've heard before about this, is asking the part what's the worst that could happen, see if they could tolerate a little of it to, and then see what happens. I think I need to practice this more.

Sending you support,
dolly 

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry, Larry and Dollyvee, Thank you all so much for what you said     

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4th March 2024
I have had quite a tough weekend, which has been full of emotions and it has felt quite challenging for me, but I've made it through, and the book I've been reading has helped me to realise some of what happened in that reaction.  The book talks about after a period of 'expansion' that there will be an inevitable 'contraction' and I think that is what happened to me - I was feeling quite 'expansive' and open and experiencing more positives, and then there was the inevitable (and now I realise, quite a normal thing) of 'contraction' which showed up for me in terms of my inner parts really getting what I'd call 'discombobulated' (concerned and they expressed these concerns overtly to my partner - in that I ended up really feeling and sensing their presence in things I was saying to him).

I was incredibly emotional (crying a lot) both in talking to him, and later in reading more of the book - I think another factor that had caused this was doing the EFT tapping stuff - I listened to Dr Arielle Schwartz's meditations, and I really hope I can find the one she did again, that she has put it somewhere where I can find it again, so I can listen to it more regularly - but whilst it was powerful, I think it contributed to the powerful feeling of expansion, and then the contraction.  The contraction was painful, emotional, but I do think that things are 'clearing' and I'm staying within a level of tolerance (today at least) - yesterday not so much!

I wanted to talk about this here in a more coherent way, but I don't feel it's going that way.  I will just continue though - as I am glad to write these things down here, and it feels good to do that.

I noticed that at night I was experiencing feeling closer to the anxious frightened and terrified part, that I sense if often there in certain parts of the night, but instead of trying to calm that part, this time, I took her hand and walked alongside her, asking her if my presence alongside her would be comforting and at the same time wondering where she might lead me, and what we might find.  I think that's a significantly different thing - and whilst it was frightening, I also thought that there was sufficient 'adult me' there to enable us to cope with it.  But of course, I didn't get to see what it was that was so frightening, and I wonder if I can even know - because I'm realising that my terror is most likely connected to a pre-verbal situation, and therefore I might never truely know what it was.  But at least I am finding a way to comfort parts of me, that previously I shied away from, and didn't know how to react/what to do.

The other thing I wanted to say today, is that I watched all of the episodes of 'Breath again' (sorry, I think I've not remembered the title properly, but it's about the pandemic and how the doctors and nurses coped during that time, and it caused me to cry a LOT.  I am triggered big time by any 'endings/goodbyes' and of course seeing people dying in that way, it was very upsetting and I cried a lot.  So I know I've been opening up my channels of emotion a lot lately. 

I feel like today - I am feeling better than I was yesterday, and I think it's been good that I've been able to cry and let my emotions 'out'.  I am worried about whether I've caused my partner any upset by my behaviour and distress infront of him - but the fact is that he accepted me, and didn't make me feel bad for anything I said.  He was supportive and loving, and I am so grateful to him for his non-judgemental and supporting care. 

I do feel quite vulnerable at the moment, but I also feel some sense of strength there too. 

Anyway, that's how it's been - but having the concept of 'expansion' followed by 'contraction' - it really helps me.  I know now to expect both these things, and therefore I feel I can get through both.  I really do.

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

wow, hope, what a lot of 'release'!  well done for sticking with it, going thru it, and coming out the other side w/ that feeling of strength inside you.  that is so huge!     i think you deserve a break after so much emotional dredging.

you continually strive to get closer to you, your parts, and your partner.  allowing yourself to be vulnerable w/ him is part of that, and kudos to him for accepting you as you are.  i'm so happy for you that you have him by your side.  love and hugs

[Papa Coco]

As your emotions are so open right now, I want to just offer a big hug, Hope.

 

I can't help but feel drawn in when someone is feeling their emotions so openly right now. Your partner sounds like a good person. I'm glad you and he are able to talk while you are in your vulnerable state of mind.

Here's another hug for good measure. 

[NarcKiddo]

I think it is great that you were able to walk alongside the terrified part and were brave enough to do that. You may well be right that you will never fully know what the frightening this is, but the more you walk alongside the terrified part when she shows up, the more both of you will realise that adult you is there, and strong enough to deal with whatever it is. So whether or not you know exactly what it is might not really matter in the long run. I have no idea if this fits in with how you feel about the situation and I apologise if I speak out of turn, but that's how I would try to approach it, I think.

I'm really glad you have a supportive partner.

 

[Blueberry]

   to you Hope.

[Armee]

 

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic, Papa Coco, NarcKiddo, Blueberry & Armee,
           - thank you so much.  I appreciate your support and everything you've said.   

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5th March 2024
I am feeling quite a bit better today - in terms of calmer and more regulated.  I have enjoyed the morning, and especially that the sun has been shining.  Enjoying the Spring flowers and feeling a sense of optimism, which is very nice.
Hope 

[dollyvee]

Hhi Hope,

Just wanted to say it sounds like the book is helping you process things and I hope that's continuing to be a good thing for you.

Sending you a hug if that's ok,
dolly 

[Hope67]

Hi Dollyvee,
Thank you so much.  Yes, that book was amazing - I finished it about a week ago, and since then I have been re-reading some of my old journals here in the forum, and making notes from those - because it's helped me to process more what's been going on over the past few years.  I feel much better for that - it feels positive!

Also, I've just got a new book in the post - which I'm keen to read in the coming days - it's by Dr Arielle Schwartz and it's called 'Applied Polyvagal Theory in Yoga: Therapeutic Practices for Emotional Health'.  I am excited to read it, and hopefully to apply some things.

Dollyvee, I found that book very powerful - NARM is definitely a good combination of therapeutic stuff - a framework that makes sense, and I am grateful that you recommended that book.  Thank you!

Sending you a hug too,  and thank you for yours!

Hope 

[Blueberry]

Hi Hope,

You sound upbeat and positive!

It's nice to read