Hope's Journal 2024

[Chart]

Sounds like an excellent plan, Hope! Hope you have a nice weekend.
 

[Hope67]

Thanks Chart, you too.   

[Hope67]

4th August 2024
I just tried a couple of Christy Gibson's videos - watched the one about Havening, and also the one about Tremoring.  I found them both useful, but I didn't actually tremor at all - Christy didn't talk about people who don't tremor, so I don't know how typical that response is.  I will however try it again another day, to see what happens.

In one of the Havening exercises, she happened to suggest that people could imagine breathing out smoke or possibly moths - she suggested to use the imagination to think of what might be most appropriate for different people - but I thought it was quite interesting that she equated breathing out moths with getting rid of things and breathing in butterflies to represent positive things.  It reminded me of my nightmares with the giant moths.  Made me think of the guy that Dollyvee found who has a website dedicated to people who have had dreams of moths.  I just wanted to mention it in my journal, to remind me of these things. 

Sounds a bit bizarre now I've written about it, but anyway.

I didn't tremor at all - in the tremoring exercise.  I wonder why that is.  Christy didn't mention whether people typically can do it at the beginning - I think she was suggesting that they could.  But I certainly didn't.  Nothing happened apart from my lying there.  But maybe parts of me wouldn't allow me to tremor.  Maybe they don't feel safe to let out the tension and trauma.  I don't know.  I'll certainly try it again another time.

I feel like I've done a work-out though!  It was a bit like doing some yoga.  She was working on the PSOAS muscle I think. 

Hope 

[Hope67]

5th August 2024
I found that I got a delayed reaction to the tremoring exercise - because when it came time for me to go to bed and relax for sleeping, I then experienced some release of bodily feelings - starting with tingling in my hands, and it went like a wave through my body.  I didn't jerk or move like Christy Gibson had done in her video, but I definitely felt the feelings. 

I have felt these same feeling before, when doing stuff related to Janina Fisher's work - so I think it's the same kind of bodily release kind of thing.  Anyway, I think it was good that it happened, and I feel more positive to try the exercise again later in the week.

I am however aware that maybe I've found the videos useful due to already being somewhat practised in meditation and mindfulness, plus the fact I do regular EFT (trying to do three sessions per day).  I coupled EFT in my morning practice with a round of Havening too, and I definitely felt some more positivity in my feelings - so I think the delta waves were operating! 

I feel positive about this, I hope I can continue to make these things part of my routines, as it is benefiting me.  There's such a lot of difficult disturbing and upsetting stuff going on in the world at the moment, and I need to keep grounding myself so I can cope with those things in addition to my own issues.

There was a scary part about last night though, as at one point I remember feeling as another strong wave was coming into my body - and I thought I might be having a stroke, and apparently I shouted out 'I'm having a stroke' and my partner reassured me 'No, you're not, you're ok'.  I remember thinking 'How can you know?' - but I also felt his concern and the fact he checked with me as to whether I was ok - and he was right, I didn't have a stroke, and I was ok.  I felt sorry for him, as he told me he'd had difficulty getting to sleep, and had finally managed to sleep at the time that I shouted out, and woke him up!  I feel bad for him that he couldn't sleep and that I disturbed him, when he finally was able to sleep.

I've also been splashing cold water on my face more often (which helps with the hot weather) but I also feel like it is re-setting my nervous system - which I read happened with that action, so now I understand more why it might be beneficial, and it's made me consider 'doing it' more frequently - and I have to say it's really helped too.

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

hope, thank you so much for writing about this.  i looked up 'tremoring', did a little of it, and immediately noticed a release of tension.  i want to keep doing this.  i'd have never known about it except for you, so thanks again.

interesting that you had delayed reactions.  i'm going to watch for that. 

i hope your weekend went well, you got a little emotional rest.  i think you're doing a great job of taking care of you.  love and hugs

[Chart]

 

[rainydiary]

Hope, I appreciate you sharing about your experiences with your body sensations and reactions. 

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic, Chart and Rainydiary,
Thank you so much for what you each said.  SanMagic, so glad to hear you found it ok when you did it - I am hoping to do it again later this week, or maybe on the weekend.
Hope 

[dollyvee]

Hi Hope,

I'm glad you had a positive experience with the tremoring exercise. Sometimes it's a lot to go through feeling all those things that come up.

Moths are funny things. I recently saw a white moth in the same place I saw one when I was moving into the flat, when I was moving out of the flat four years later. I can't say I remember seeing one in the four years in between there, but maybe I also wasn't really looking.

Sending you support and a hug if that's ok,
dolly 

[Hope67]

Hi Dollyvee,
Thank you  Really interesting to hear about the white moth you saw. 

***********
16th August 2024
I feel like I've been processing things in my sleep - because in the dreams I've had, I have on occasions been processing 'Goodbyes' and feeling the emotion connected to that process - this is a BIG thing for me, as I don't think I was ever given chance to process any 'Goodbyes' or transitions like that, and so to be beginning to 'feel the emotions' connected with those things in my dreams, it's a HUGE thing to me.  I am grateful for it, as I think it's letting out quite a bit of grief about those changes.

I re-read my 'timeline' today - that's something I am grateful that I didn't delete.  I had shredded a whole ton of written stuff (notes and factual finding stuff) but I had kept a digital copy of a time-line which covers my entire life, and I tend to occasionally re-read it, and add in reflections (with the date I make the reflection) and then I can see how I alter in my thoughts and reflections over time. 

Anyway, what came to my attention today was the fact that I am able to process/look at these things much more in a 'here-and-now' perspective - I am no longer dissociating off (which would have happened a lot before) - I am glad that experiencing a pendulation of experiencing emotions has enabled me to learn to self-regulate better in this way. 

I have also been looking up places I used to live at online and in some cases I've been able to view the inside of those places, because they've been re-sold and therefore there's been opportunity to see them, and it's helped me to place some stuff which had somehow gone into the wrong time-slot.

I wrote some notes today as I was reading my time-line, and some realisations came up for me:

My past relationships - they tended to be with guys who were somehow unavailable, or didn't treat me very well.  I can see it much more clearly now.  I was blind to many things within those relationships, but now it's like I can see things much clearer for what they were.  I have some regrets about that of course, but - the great thing is that my current relationship is the one that makes me happy and he does treat me very well. 

Another thing I noticed was that I had written in my time-line about times when I had 'blacked out' - i.e. couldn't remember incidences, and how those times relate a lot to intimate situations (sexually) - and I recognise how the part that rubs things out, tends to operate in those areas of my past.   Even relationships as an adult, there is basically a lack of knowing what did or didn't happen in that respect.  That is concerning to me.  It does bother me.   

However, I am able to not get too bothered by it - as it is in the past, and I am in a relationship in the here and now that is a healing and heartfelt one.

I am aware that there are memories for one particular house that I lived in - from the ages of 13 upwards, that I have difficulty remembering the actual details of the house itself, and I wonder why that is so blocked out from my memory and whether it will come back to me at some point.  I wonder why it is so blocked.  That worries me too.  But not too much.

Glad to have written something today.  I had experienced a few days of being in some kind of EF recently last week as well - but not really sure what had triggered me, and why I couldn't express myself or write about it here.  Not sure why. 

I feel much more adult in my body again now, and I am looking forward to the weekend.

Hope 

[Hope67]

17th August 2024
A couple of weeks ago, I read a book called 'Our Little Secret: A Graphic Memoir' by Emily Carrington.  I found it very helpful and it seemed powerful by being in graphic form - I think more of my parts were able to relate and read that book as a result of it being in that medium.  I am grateful to Emily for writing it and telling her story.  It was emotional to read it, and I related to it from my own experiences.  I asked my parts today whether I should keep the book a little longer, or take it back to the library - the general consensus was that it should go back to the library.  I sense that there are some parts who still aren't comfortable about having literature related to CSA around, and tries to hide them.  I have been considering whether to read Mary Bratton's book - that is about CSA, BUT the part who hides things, has hidden that book.

So, I think I might go back to Bradshaw's book about Shame next - as I was reading it, and then got distracted onto other things.  But I do feel ready to go back to it now.  Well not now, but maybe the start of next week.  I am hoping to do some relaxing things this weekend - as well as some housework.  I hope I'll get a good balance of those things.

Hope 

[Phoebes]

Hi, Hope, I just wanted to say I've read a good deal of your journal, and it really helps to see how you come back around to regulating your emotions in different ways, and always seem to have helpful books going! I miss reading books. I used to, but you've inspired me to get back to taking care of myself more and remembering to do the things that calm my nervous system, too.

I really related to how you can see that you were sort of blind to maltreatment in previous relationships. I remember that not computing for me as well. I really appreciate seeing the healing that has and is clearly taking place in your life.

  Phoebes

[Armee]

So much wisdom Hope. I appreciate you posting about the things you do. 

[rainydiary]

I appreciate you mentioning how helpful it can be to read things with graphics or visual elements.  I like that too.

[dollyvee]

Hi Hope,

I hope you had a relaxing weekend. I am also aware of how difficult the Bradshaw book is to read 

Sending you support,
dolly