Mixed race, racism in family, and the role played in identity

[Crow_]

I don't really know where else to put this and I don't really have the space irl to talk about this.

But I feel as if I'm stuck in a liminal zone in terms of my race and ethnicity. Both sides of my family were terrible and I faced abuse and neglect stemming from racism from the Spanish side. The Caribbean side was not really in my life after what my Mother did that lead to the divorce.

I grew up very isolated and didn't really know any other people outside the family that looked like me. Nor had any friends for that matter.

And now? I'm just classed as white passing but I feel so wholly rejected by both sides of the family, I feel like I'm nothing at all. I know some of the multiracial community dislike the broad label of "mixed," but personally I feel like it's the only label that fits me.

It's a blank slate, giving no credence to the source. A meaning that applies very well to how I feel as a whole person.

[Bermuda]

Hi Crow_, I relate. Albeit, I don't know where I fit into it all.

I put so much emphasis on how other people see me, that I can't see myself. That's a trauma response. It comes from needing to fit in to avoid conflict.

From a social sciences perspective when we use the word race, it's used in quotes, or not at all, because you are homo sapien sapien. Anything else that anyone has taught you says nearly nothing about the multitude of intricacies of you.

I struggle with this so much. I come sort of from the same region, and racial identity is so profound and even in layers of colour and percieved belonging. Dark, indigenous, foreign, mulata, pale. There is no winning at this, even in families. If you are dark, you will be insulted. If you look indigenous, that's also an insult. If you have complex features, there is an insult for that. If you look foreign, there are words for that. If you are fair, there are some slurs for that as well. I know these words all too well, but I prefer to keep them to myself. Someone told someone they were different, and that person told someone else, and it become a problem even within people who identify the same.

In a loving stable environment, your appearance at birth should not affect your belonging. Just as your actual belonging isn't because of your appearance or even how you identify. I don't know if what I am saying makes sense, because I struggle so much with belonging. I guess what I want to say is that you are not alone, and that it's not your fault, and people can be unknowingly harmful. You belong. It's hard to feel that because of the trauma that is entirely too common in those regions. You are a whole person.

If I have said something upsetting, I'm really sorry. I understand how sensitive this topic is. I am probably the most sensitive to it myself, so I'm sorry if I am too crass.

[NarcKiddo]

I cannot comment on the racial aspect from anywhere near your perspective. I am white European. My parents come from different countries but my mother made an active choice to identify only with her husband's country and we were brought up in that way. We were not ever taught her mother tongue, for example.

I can, however, identify with the feeling of not fitting in anywhere. Growing up we moved a lot so I never had long term friends. My mother had and has weird ideas about "outsiders" so deep and trusting friendships were discouraged.

I am now in my 50s and trying to find myself, which I think will be the key to finding where I fit. Until I know who I am and what I like, I cannot know even where to start looking for "my tribe". Maybe that is an approach that will help you. Find you.

I do find it very interesting how racism seems to figure heavily in people with personality disorders. My FOO were the type of people who would have a "token black" friend, so they could say "We cannot possibly be racist. We have a black friend." I was brought up to be racist and am quite surprised (and relieved) to realise I am actually not. (Both parents are also rabid misogynists, and I was expected to be too, which is a bit of a mind- when one is female.) I take people as I find them. Maybe not fitting, or being expected to fit, into a particular preconceived slot could be a benefit if you can find the good in it.