Family Triggers

[Heartly]

(This will be rather long, I'm afraid!)

I recently was given an expense paid trip to Thailand to visit my cousin for a month.  A trip of a lifetime, extremely generous and not expected.  How lucky!

Some background:  My cousin has retired to Thailand.  He is 4 years my junior and is divorced, no kids.  His Dad and my Dad were close brothers.  My Dad and I had a difficult relationship, and I really loved his Dad.  My cousin really loved my Dad (and his).  My cousin had a very difficult relationship with his sister.  My Dad passed away when I was 30, and my cousin's Dad passed away 2 years later.  They were all living in Scotland, while Dad and I were in Canada.  My cousin has always thought of me as the "sister he never had".  I am single with no kids.  My cousin and I are in constant contact with social networking.

The first thing that caught me off guard was that his language is very sarcastic, a trait I was reminded my father had, and not one that I had ever liked.  (It's very British, and to me, smart-assy and cold.)  This didn't show up in our social networking exchanges.  However, I jumped back into it regardless and honed my skills.  But I wasn't really happy about it.

He also at times just ignored me when I was speaking, looking at his phone.  This REALLY reminded me of Dad;  I used to say that talking to Dad was the same as talking to the wall.  And I had a recurring nightmare about this as well in my youth.  Sometimes I would raise my voice to get my cousin's attention, and sometimes I just couldn't be bothered.

I had had a bad fall on the way to the airport before I left with my forehead bashing into the sidewalk pavement, initially causing a huge lump, and over time, very bad bruising around my eyes.  I have also had a concussion in the past, and was prone to falling/not being steady on my feet.  We went for a walk along the beach but the tide was quite high and I was very nervous about my balance.  I let my cousin know this.  He went off walking way ahead of me and not checking back to see if I was alright.  He wouldn't have been there for me if I had gotten in trouble.  This type of thing happened on another occasion as well.  I felt very invisible.

For my cousin, his sister (now deceased) always used to blame him for everything.  What I knew of her, I'm certain she had an undiagnosed mental illness of some sort and was very narcissistic.  She was very difficult with everyone.

So here we were, together for a month, and I think both being triggered in different ways.  We talked about mental health therapy once.  He seems to be of the opinion that therapy is all about blaming your parents for your problems.  I said that it's not about blaming your parents, but understanding the dynamics and having someone who gives you a different view of the situation and provides new information for you to consider.  It's about learning something new and seeing things from another perspective.  We didn't talk any more about it.

I would like to write to him about this, but I'm really not sure if I should.  I know he would like me to visit again, so another approach is just to forget about it for now, and perhaps try to have a more honest discussion with him at that time.  However, I would really like to have a different relationship with him if possible.

There ... it's out there.

[Blueberry]

Oh Heartly, been there, done that.   

It's so hard!! Based on his behaviour and his words, I would say your cousin is sadly either unwilling or unable to understand the things that are crystal clear to us on here.

I tried for ages to get my FOO to understand, having been brought up to believe that if you get that final good argument in or the 150% correct word, then the other will understand. But unfortunately that's certainly not true. I found out the hard way.

I like the 3 C's from our sister website Out of the Fog: I didn't Cause it, I can't Cure it and I can't Control it.

Yup, the British sarcasm (and irony), I know them well in FOO. Anything to not feel.

We understand here, we get it.

What I found useful when I wanted to try and explain something to a FOO mbr was to write it here on Letters of Recovery https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?board=43.0  These are letters you write for you, for your recovery. They are not to send but they really helped me get to my real feelings about FOO and FOO 'events' and with time my inner rage and pain lessened. I also got responses from mbrs of the forum and encouragement, along the lines of: Good you wrote that, don't send it to FOO though!

When I started setting boundaries in FOO and tried to say - this is how I would like xy to be on a FOO holiday, that's when they started really showing who they are and what my position and rights are within the family. I've had to go the route of less and less contact, for my own sanity.

[Heartly]

Thanks for your feedback, Blueberry.

You're right about the 3 C's ... I'll take a look at the OOTF website as well.

Thanks for the suggestion of the Letters of Recovery.  Might be useful for me.

And your observation about British sarcasm:  "Anything to not feel."  Bingo.  I was always told I was too sensitive, etc.  Since then, I have recognized that I am a Highly Sensitive Person (Dr. Elaine Aaron https://hsperson.com) which made things worse.  Or did the CPTSD bring about the high sensitivity?? Doesn't really matter.  It is what it is.

Thank you very much for your kind thoughts and helpfulness.  Much appreciated.

... I think some of my angst is that I wanted to find a family member that I connected to in a healthy way, but am beginning to think that this might not be possible.  Makes me feel sad and isolated.

 

[Kizzie]

It may be that because of his sister, your cousin has some issues with letting anyone get close and if that's the case you just being a caring compassionate person (with boundaries) may make a relationship with him possible. It's a little harder when you live apart but through letters and calls you may be able to connect with him in a better way.  I guess it depends on whether or not it's worth the effort. When I mentioned boundaries what I meant is that it's about holding firm but respectfully so, like it sounds you did when you talked about mental health. He may soften if he has someone who is open and honest about their opinions but listens to him. Just some thoughts.     

[Heartly]

Thank you, Kizzie.  I really appreciate your feedback.  Yes, I wondered if his bad relationship with his sister didn't help.  So far, I am keeping in touch by text.