My journey so far

[StartingHealing]

Little2Nothing,

If ok with you, sending good vibes. 

Wishing you and yours, all the best

[Little2Nothing]

SH, it's okay and appreciated. 

[Armee]

 

When this happens to me I feel like I have fallen into a flashback tunnel. There are lots of paths in (triggers) but once you get there you don't (yet) have paths out and can't retrieve yourself because we put these walls around the trauma bits in our brains. That's how it feels to me. Like getting stuck with no path out. I have a second T I see...she's a music T but also does a lot of somatic type work. We were working on that yesterday because I fell in the tunnel this week too.

First she worked on grounding me and getting me to a place where there are good feelings. For me that's reminding me of how I feel around my kids which is happy and powerful  (meaning I would protect them with all my might).

From there she had me just tiptoe up to the edge of the tunnel then she verbalized for me the thoughts I could make for myself...no. I'm not going in there. No this is not good for me. No I don't need to go in there. Stop. Etc. It did work in that moment where I was teetering on the edge of feeling bad things but didn't get consumed. I don't know if it will work when I am alone and when the trigger happens too fast to catch it. But I've noticed that triggering has slowed down where I have more time now where I could wedge a foot in the closing door and do something different. I often don't, because I feel like I "should" be able to handle whatever triggering situation I am in. But there is more space now for me to be able to slow the snowball roll.

So I don't know if that will be feasible for you yet, I don't know if it is feasible for me but I'm sharing in case it helps today or later. I also thought about well is that like ignoring our exiles and leaving them in their trauma but I don't think so. If we can stay at the edge instead of falling in that's the only way we can witness, otherwise we reexperience and become blended and we can't save our exiles that way.

Other than that I am really sorry that you went through all these horrible  experiences and now have to relive them all the time. It's really difficult. I think you are doing so well considering everything. Truly I do. It's always going to be there but I do believe it will get less intense and you'll have more peace over time. 

[Chart]

L2N, It is said that the underworld has nine levels. It seems you were dragged down to some of the deepest. That you have regained the surface with your heart and soul intact is a testament to your deep strength and determination. I do not believe you are weak. But I understand your feeling of weakness. The adult sees and feels still the emotions of the child, yet judges themselves as though they were an adult. It cannot be. The child that wasn't permitted to "be" a child, simply lives on. It seems you have come face to face with that child and now more than ever you know how much he deserves something else than what he got. It is indeed too late for justice for the perpetrators, that route is utterly useless and leads to emptiness. But there's another path possible. It runs in all metaphorical terms the exact opposite to "vengeance": What does your wounded child-self need and deserve? And how can you provide it? Is such a thing even possible?

You say "The struggle is mine alone." Forgive me if I contradict you. Maybe the work of healing is yours... and yet... Maybe you are struggling more terribly than you've ever struggled... indeed... But are you truly alone?

Your story fills me with inspiration... and this motivates me. You have done something for me with your writing AND your work. Please know that you are NOT alone. You have touched me and I feel you. My experiences are not the same as yours, but I know that of which you speak. Please, of all the things you are struggling with, don't think that you are alone. I feel confident speaking for everyone here, the way is terribly hard, but we are not alone.

[Little2Nothing]

Armee, thank you for the encouragement. The process you went through sounds logical and helpful. At this point looking at those things even on the periphery is difficult, but I hope to get there. I know I have to face these things and learn to see them as a past event that isn't happening anymore. 

Chart, I deeply appreciate your response. I am grateful to be on this forum and to have conversed with folks such as yourself and all the others. Thanks for reminding me that here I am not alone. 

I want to add to everyone who has encouraged me in this process that your collective wisdom has been invaluable to me on my journey. Everyone has been so supportive and kind. So thank you guys for being here and caring. It means a lot to me.

[Little2Nothing]

I contacted a local mental health group this past week to find out about ketamine infusions. Of course insurance doesn't cover it and would cost around 1k per session. So that is out. 

They told me about Spravato which esketamine. Apparently in the ketamine family. Instead of infusions it is administered via nasal spray. They told me it was very effective. 

Has anyone tried Spravato?